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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yesac on July 8, 2003, at 10:41:07
Well, I'm leaving tonight to go back to the place that has become my home. It is my home because it is where I live, where I am a resident of the state, where my job is, where my car is registered, where my therapist and psychiatrist are, where I am trying to set up a life for myself. But here is what it is not: a place where I have basically any friends or family, a place that I feel comfortable and connected to. My house is not all that cozy and "homey" feeling. The worst thing is the loneliness though. My main social interaction is at work. Most of the rest of the time I am alone and totally bored. I have been back up here (in NH, where I grew up - spent 16 years of my life here, which is a lot considering that I'm 24) with my family for the past week. I really have not had the best time actually, and I feel really bad about that, but I was just extremely depressed over the weekend and unable to really enjoy much. Now I'm already leaving and I don't feel like I got enough quality time with them and my cat, and I don't know when I'll be here or see them again. Today and yesterday I've felt better. But I am now just thinking about going back to the aloneness of my real life.
I don't know, guys. I'm sure I'll just fall back into it, but is that really a good thing? Maybe I shouldn't live so far from my family. It was my decision about a year ago to make this leap, but it hasn't gotten much easier in the 9 months I've lived there. I don't know how it's going to get any better.
Posted by giget on July 8, 2003, at 11:01:01
In reply to going home and I don't want to, posted by yesac on July 8, 2003, at 10:41:07
This is something you are really going to have to think about. Why did you leave in the first place? What about weather? Being calm? These are some of the reasons I am moving....
Did you have alot of friends at your families home? Do you think you could hold it together there with your family always butting in? What were the problems you moved away from?
If things have changed at your families home, and you feel better there, and safe, then go back. No one ever said that once you move you can not move back. That is the fun of life. To experience something new but always knowing you can go back to the city you grew up in, even though it has probably changed.
That is another thing to look at. The place you left 9 months ago will not be the same if you move back. Buildings have been built, people have grown up, and people have not seen you in a while.
Don't move unless you have thought long and hard about the decision and what you expect to get out of it. You have to rationalize your decision not only on what you think will happen, what you need right now, but what it will really be like.
Your heart will tell you the right thing to do. Just go back to your house and think for a while.
> Well, I'm leaving tonight to go back to the place that has become my home. It is my home because it is where I live, where I am a resident of the state, where my job is, where my car is registered, where my therapist and psychiatrist are, where I am trying to set up a life for myself. But here is what it is not: a place where I have basically any friends or family, a place that I feel comfortable and connected to. My house is not all that cozy and "homey" feeling. The worst thing is the loneliness though. My main social interaction is at work. Most of the rest of the time I am alone and totally bored. I have been back up here (in NH, where I grew up - spent 16 years of my life here, which is a lot considering that I'm 24) with my family for the past week. I really have not had the best time actually, and I feel really bad about that, but I was just extremely depressed over the weekend and unable to really enjoy much. Now I'm already leaving and I don't feel like I got enough quality time with them and my cat, and I don't know when I'll be here or see them again. Today and yesterday I've felt better. But I am now just thinking about going back to the aloneness of my real life.
>
> I don't know, guys. I'm sure I'll just fall back into it, but is that really a good thing? Maybe I shouldn't live so far from my family. It was my decision about a year ago to make this leap, but it hasn't gotten much easier in the 9 months I've lived there. I don't know how it's going to get any better.
Posted by fallsfall on July 8, 2003, at 12:27:06
In reply to going home and I don't want to, posted by yesac on July 8, 2003, at 10:41:07
Have you made much effort to establish a social life in your new town? Join a club that is based around your interests, take a class (astronomy, philosophy, cake decorating, ice skating), join a church, join a choir, go to lectures or concerts or whatever, volunteer, join a support group. The idea is to be somewhere with people who might share your interests, and the bonus is that you have something readymade to talk about.
You won't get your family to move to be with you, but you may find that if you have friends and can visit your family that you will be OK. It is really hard to move away all alone. It is tempting to just stay in your nice safe house. But you need friends in your life. And there is a lot out there to do.
Good luck
P.S. NH Rocks!!!!! 8^)
Posted by Penny on July 8, 2003, at 14:35:45
In reply to going home and I don't want to, posted by yesac on July 8, 2003, at 10:41:07
What made you move in the first place, if I might ask?
I know what you mean about not having any friends here - I have one (my roommate) and she has her own group of people she hangs around with.
And in Charlotte, the only friends I made were people I worked with. Here most of the people I work with are significantly older than me and many of them live outside of CH/Carr anyway. So, like you, I have nobody.
And I have yet to find a good way of meeting people. I think about volunteering, but haven't started that yet, thinking more seriously about a support group as I just talked to the substitute therapist about that, but friendships as in people to hang around with don't usually arise from support groups, at least not in my experience - perhaps I am wrong!!! Have tried to think of other ways to meet people, but so far have only met people in my classes, and they're all significantly younger than I! ha!
I'm (much) closer to home than you are, but I don't go there if I can help it. Make the occasional trek to Wilmington to see my grandmother but almost never go to where I spent the majority of my growing up years. And it doesn't really matter anyway because I'm no longer in touch with the folks I went to high school with. And my college friends have all moved away (minus my roommate, who is from Durham anyway).
So, I see your point.
But, I don't think 9 months is long enough to really get settled somewhere and put down your own roots. I've been back in CH since August and still don't feel settled in the least. Still think fondly of Charlotte, where, even though it took a while, I had formed my support base of friends and people who were like family to me.
Not that fortunate here, but really really hoping that will change.
Another problem - your mood has dipped seriously (as has mine) and now it's even harder to think about trying to find friends, etc.
I'm sorry you feel so alone. When you get back, weigh your options and try to remember why you moved here and list the pros and cons...etc. etc.
Take care.
Penny
Posted by janejj on July 8, 2003, at 16:29:57
In reply to going home and I don't want to, posted by yesac on July 8, 2003, at 10:41:07
Hey Yesac,
I am basically in the same situation as you, I moved to a completey different country and it is very hard and depressing to try and establish yourself.
It will take longer than nine months for you to feel settled, damn i have been here for over two years and still feel like a stranger!! It does get easier, although there will be times where you'll still feel isolated and homesick.
You have to really try and get involved in the community some how to make new friends and connections. I know this is easier said than done, especially when you are depressed, but it will go alog way towards making your new state 'home'.
The other thing you can do is move back to where your friends and family live, you need their support right now. You gave NH a fair shot, nine months is a long time!
Take care Yesac,
Janejj
Posted by yesac on July 10, 2003, at 16:23:04
In reply to Re: going home and I don't want to » yesac, posted by janejj on July 8, 2003, at 16:29:57
I just wanted to respond to some of your questions and comments about me moving...
Well, the key reason that I moved was because I wanted to establish residency to go to grad school here. I did give it a lot of thought before moving here, and decided that I really just needed to take the plunge. It would have been safer and "secure" to just stay in NH, and I suppose I could have found a job there. But even though it feels more like home there, there were problems too. I didn't really have any friends there - lost touch with friends from high school. Plus, I don't feel like there are as good of job opportunities, and no grad school that I would want to go to. I would have felt like I was just taking the easy route by staying there, and always would have wondered. Not that I couldn't have moved later, but it was a good time, and it probably would have been harder if I waited because I would be more settled there (I was back and forth for 5 years during college and my ensuing stint in AmeriCorps).
I have tried to get involved here. I do some volunteering and I joined a church, which is rather shocking as I am not religious in the typical sense and haven't gone to any church in years. But I guess I just need to do more because I still feel like I have way too much spare time on my hands, and haven't exactly made any friends.
It's just hard. I don't regret my decision, and in some ways it's really nice because I truly feel independent and like a "real adult" and brave for stepping out on my own like this. But all of those things don't make the day-to-day realities and struggles any easier! That's for sure...
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