![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
contacted me yesterday, trying to get me involved in some party not to take place for over a year, in honor of our parents 50th wedding anniversary. He's made a reservation which includes my drug addicted boyfriend who offered me $1400 (severence pay?) the other day to help me move out. My brother knows none of this; I don't tell him anything because he just loves me to be pitiful. I didn't answer his call, but I had to seriously fight the desire to call back and say that I might be dead next year and can't possibly committ to such a thing.
We're supposed to have some circus parade celebrating my parent's long and lovely marriage and all the joy it has produced. They have three grown children--the eldest son still living at home with a shred of a life, one tormentedly depressed, barely managing daughter, and the middle son, a desperate narcissist who must look like he's managing splendidly at all costs. They have no grandchildren, and it's looking like they never will.
Oh yay. Let's party.
And yet again, I can do nothing else because what a terrible, selfish daughter I would be otherwise.
No one has any interest in the real person.My boyfriend is leaving to go "take care of his problem" tomorrow. He'll go on a little road trip, take a vacation, start fresh, howsa bout it?
My cat has been following me around the house for the past five hours, whimpering and whining--almost howling. She won't let up and there's nothing I can do to make her feel better. She's at my heel every move I make. It's making me think something terrible is going to happen.
Posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 14:16:57
In reply to My brother, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
to sound so bitter and ugly. Im sitting here with sweat dripping down my face, nauseous and dizzy, trying to adjust to another med.
In my family anything but the truth is welcome. It's a difficult environment that has all but killed me. Hard to celebrate.
Guilt, guilt.
Posted by Dragonslayer on April 29, 2003, at 17:29:23
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 14:16:57
I'm really sorry for your problems. I know things are not really good for you right now and future stuff isn't high on the list when things are misreable RIGHT NOW. Maybe, if the new med kicks in, things will look better. Is being totally honest with the "party planner" out of the question? I think your feelings need to be heard - they are valid. Maybe the cat needs to be checked out. Mine really doesn't protest much, unless attention to something is needed. I'm not much help to you, I know. I wish I could offer something more than sorries.
Posted by gabbix2 on April 29, 2003, at 17:34:26
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 14:16:57
My friend Peggy, a Native Indian woman who was adopted by a white family, was told to tell people she was "french" because some french people were as dark as she was.
She had a greatvway of describing her parents denial of the truth, which sounds as extreme as your parents. She said if the earth suddenly tilted, her mother would simply rearrange the furniture so she wouldn't have to acknowledge it.Its so difficult when you are ostensibly single in the support you are getting, so you don't have another 'family' to validate you and help you pull away from such negativity, its so dangerous. And with depression unfortunately self validation is such an iffy thing. I wish you could see yourself as the wise and witty person you appear here.
Try to take one step at a time right now, your physically weakened adjusting to the medication which in itself is trying, to say the least.
You don't "have" to think about your brother right now. you dont. You can shut him out.
Nothings going to happen if you do that.
Just try and get through the minutes right now and lean on us.
Posted by coral on April 29, 2003, at 18:00:13
In reply to My brother, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
Dear Kara Lynne,
Your cat may well be offering you sympathetic comfort. They so instinctively know when you're hurting. The two felines whom my WH and I serve are very independent, except in times of trouble and they make sure they're close to offer their wise counsel, ... sometimes heard as a loud yowl.
Coral
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2003, at 20:27:11
In reply to My brother, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
I'm sorry Kara Lynne. Animals are immensely intuitive animals, and I'm sure your cat is upset because you are. My dogs do the same. Well, some of them. Some are happily oblivious.
It does seem ridiculous to celebrate something just because it's common custom to do so, when there is no reality behind it. My parents celebrated their fortieth a few years ago. My son was maybe four? at the time. He asked if a fortieth anniversary was something people did when they really hated each other. Out of the mouths of babes.
There's no reason to decide right away is there? I think it's entirely fair to put your brother off a bit to weigh which alternative will cause you less grief.
I'm sorry about your ex, but honestly the more I hear about him, the more I think you should throw a big un-anniversary "whew, that was close" bash for yourself.
Posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 21:38:47
In reply to Re: My brother » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on April 29, 2003, at 20:27:11
Thank you so for your posts and sorries (Dragonslayor, I like your name). My cat is very high strung and sensitive, all too good a mirror, and I do think she might be reacting to me. I didn't realize I was in that bad shape. My counselor suggested she might be sensitive to my biochemistry changes.
I worked out something to say to my brother--I've bought some time in any event. All of your feedback helped (including the consideration that I don't *have* to respond {{Gabbix}}). Still, the fallout is amazing. Maybe one day I won't equate family parties with death.
Dinah, out of the mouths of babes is right. What your son said was priceless. And I do like the idea of celebrating my "un-anniversary" if I should ever find my way out . Finally, a party I would go to.
Posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 21:48:01
In reply to Re: Kara Lynne's cat, posted by coral on April 29, 2003, at 18:00:13
Coral,
Thanks for reminding me. I know that about cats, but I guess even I didn't apprehend just how sensitive this baby is. What do you do when you look up and see yourself howling back in the form of a fluffy, white, very agitated Turkish Angora? Well she seems to have calmed down now, blinking serenely as I write this.Also, I hate to be cyber stupid, but what is WH?
Posted by Dragonslayer on April 29, 2003, at 22:00:24
In reply to Re: Kara Lynne's cat/ coral, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 21:48:01
Posted by leeran on April 30, 2003, at 0:46:34
In reply to My brother, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
Hi Kara Lynne,
Well, there's nothing like the prospect of a little family phoniness to make a break-up even more bearable, eh? Inevitably, calls like that come at the worst possible times.
Gosh, I feel for you. I'm one of those people who hates wedding showers, baby showers, anniversary parties, etc.
I don't mind giving the gift, but I mind like h*ll giving of myself and my time (selfish person that I am). My husband's family is very sincere and they really seem to enjoy one another, plus, the food is always so good that it takes away any possible discomfort. I can handle situations better with layer upon layer of carbohydrates.
I guess one of the advantages of being an only childhood is the Murphy Brown factor (I would have to rent siblings for such an event). Do you have to travel for this event as well?
I'm with everyone else, I think your cat senses your agony. Our dog seems to watch my every move/mood. I don't know if "Alpha Cat" holds true like "Alpha Dog," but if it does, your kitty takes her lead from you. Talk about unconditional love. They think the world of us and when we hurt, they hurt . . .
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Kara Lynne. Lingering break ups are so difficult, even when you know it may be the best option.
Take care of yourself . . .
Lee
Posted by coral on April 30, 2003, at 3:16:18
In reply to Re: Kara Lynne's cat/ coral, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 21:48:01
Dear Kara Lynne,
Sorry ---- WH = Wonderful Husband - it's my own short hand.
When I'm in a rough spot and the cats notice (which is always), catnip does wonders (for them... not me).
I also frequently talk to our cats and I know they understand.
Coral
Posted by shar on April 30, 2003, at 20:28:17
In reply to My brother, posted by kara lynne on April 29, 2003, at 13:10:35
> And yet again, I can do nothing else because what a terrible, selfish daughter I would be otherwise.
> No one has any interest in the real person.
>KL-
Wow, does this one ring bells!! I struggle like crazy with this issue, of being the bad daughter because I don't jump into the dysfunctional family business. My sister has started going on week-long (or more) out-of-town workshops. My mother gets sick regularly (with stuff like heat stroke, preventable, but someone has to take her to the ER).I'm the one here to do it and if I don't there is a whole host of people to look disapprovingly at me for it.
You have my sympathies. Life sucks real bad sometimes.
Shar
Posted by kara lynne on May 1, 2003, at 1:03:54
In reply to Re: My brother » kara lynne, posted by shar on April 30, 2003, at 20:28:17
"I struggle like crazy with this issue, of being the bad daughter because I don't jump into the dysfunctional family business. "
Truer words were never spoken.
I was starting to realize yesterday that no matter what I do, I won't ever get them to see me. That's the illusion, that one day I will figure out how to do or say the thing that will get them to see--as long as I just keep trying.
But no matter how I play it or don't, I can't win in their system. It's almost freeing. Almost.Boy, what a heavy responsibility that is to be saddled with-- weekly runs to the ER with mom (avoidable ones!). I'm glad you can even consider that you have a choice. My brother tried to convince me yesterday that I was free to do whatever I wanted (now that it's a fait accompli). It felt akin to someone asking if they can help with the dishes once you've already cleaned the kitchen. Uh huh.
Posted by noa on May 1, 2003, at 18:31:33
In reply to Re: My brother/ shar, posted by kara lynne on May 1, 2003, at 1:03:54
>>I was starting to realize yesterday that no matter what I do, I won't ever get them to see me. That's the illusion, that one day I will figure out how to do or say the thing that will get them to see--as long as I just keep trying.
But no matter how I play it or don't, I can't win in their system. It's almost freeing. Almost.
Yes, it is a sad, disillusioning kind of realization, but an important one.You probably cannot change them ever, at all, ever.
You must focus on how to deal with them as they are, and this will mean accepting the extremely disappointing reality of them and what kind of relationship you can have with them.
I have learned this over and over and over and over and over and over again--at first the hard way, the very hard way, but over time, the lesson began to stick a bit better. But it still hurts. But now it hurts while I am also able to hold on to my self, to be centered more and to see them for who they are and me for who I am, and the limits of what can happen in the relationship. So, it hurts less profoundly, for sure. It doesn't "undo" me anymore. It hurts in that it is very sad to me. But I can still be "me" and not lose myself in the craziness.
And, believe it or not, after a while, with my expectations based more realistically on who they are, I have been able to develop more positive relationships over time. Limited relationships in many ways, but more positive than before. We have found ways to relate. But as I said, it is within the limits of what I know I can expect from them.
I have a friend who has a much "crazier" family than I, and a much more painful childhood and early adulthood. And she has had a much harder time learning the lesson. She still goes back again and again, hoping that maybe just maybe they've changed. And it makes her so incredibly vulnerable each time. And hurt all over again just like she was as a child. The only difference is that she has the ability to remove herself from the situation, which she does. And she is able to recognize fairly quickly her error in thinking that they would be different. But she is still opening herself to be hurt very deeply each time.
You are right. The realization can be freeing. And, if I remember correctly from when people were sharing their ages, you are rather young (forgive me if I'm in error), so I am very impressed that you are gaining this insight so early.
Posted by kara lynne on May 1, 2003, at 20:38:39
In reply to Re: My brother/ shar, posted by noa on May 1, 2003, at 18:31:33
Hi Noa,
I just want to thank you for taking the time to write me such a thoughtful post, especially with everything you're going through at the moment.What you write goes straight to the core. I am heartened to hear that while it still hurts, you no longer get undone by the disappointment. (Reminds me of a dream I had with that song "She's Come Undone" playing in the background.. I think I'm older than you think!)
Maybe the crazier the family the more you stick in those patterns, like your friend sadly does. If there is any hope for me, someday I'll have a family of my own to put my heart and soul into, instead of watching it drain away into the heartbreak of the past.
Thanks again for posting; it meant a lot.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.