Posted by noa on May 1, 2003, at 18:31:33
In reply to Re: My brother/ shar, posted by kara lynne on May 1, 2003, at 1:03:54
>>I was starting to realize yesterday that no matter what I do, I won't ever get them to see me. That's the illusion, that one day I will figure out how to do or say the thing that will get them to see--as long as I just keep trying.
But no matter how I play it or don't, I can't win in their system. It's almost freeing. Almost.
Yes, it is a sad, disillusioning kind of realization, but an important one.You probably cannot change them ever, at all, ever.
You must focus on how to deal with them as they are, and this will mean accepting the extremely disappointing reality of them and what kind of relationship you can have with them.
I have learned this over and over and over and over and over and over again--at first the hard way, the very hard way, but over time, the lesson began to stick a bit better. But it still hurts. But now it hurts while I am also able to hold on to my self, to be centered more and to see them for who they are and me for who I am, and the limits of what can happen in the relationship. So, it hurts less profoundly, for sure. It doesn't "undo" me anymore. It hurts in that it is very sad to me. But I can still be "me" and not lose myself in the craziness.
And, believe it or not, after a while, with my expectations based more realistically on who they are, I have been able to develop more positive relationships over time. Limited relationships in many ways, but more positive than before. We have found ways to relate. But as I said, it is within the limits of what I know I can expect from them.
I have a friend who has a much "crazier" family than I, and a much more painful childhood and early adulthood. And she has had a much harder time learning the lesson. She still goes back again and again, hoping that maybe just maybe they've changed. And it makes her so incredibly vulnerable each time. And hurt all over again just like she was as a child. The only difference is that she has the ability to remove herself from the situation, which she does. And she is able to recognize fairly quickly her error in thinking that they would be different. But she is still opening herself to be hurt very deeply each time.
You are right. The realization can be freeing. And, if I remember correctly from when people were sharing their ages, you are rather young (forgive me if I'm in error), so I am very impressed that you are gaining this insight so early.
poster:noa
thread:223177
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030426/msgs/223699.html