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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Hi all, my mom died in March '95 and every year when the anniversary approaches the deep sadness comes back. I feel adrift. Our relationship was pretty awful but it would be so nice to have a mom to be able to call up, like an anchor back to reality or something.
Last year I hardly noticed the anniversary so I thought maybe I was more over it, but this year it's worse. Just seems so unfair that someone is dead forever. In my irrational mind I'm like, OK, I've been putting up with this loss for so long, it's time for it to stop, it's time for mom to not be dead anymore, OK?
I just spend a month or two in a state where if I think about it for a second I'm in tears. And she visits me in my dreams, which is good but then I wake up and remember.
What's the point of being wired this way, to feel a loss for so long?
I miss my mom. Crazy mom, depressed mom, manic mom, obsessed mom. Still mom.
Posted by beardedlady on February 5, 2003, at 13:51:20
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
You must have been a fly on the wall at my therapy session today. This is exactly what we spoke about not two hours ago!
I'd been wondering if the subconscious remembers things when we don't, like anniversaries of deaths. I had a pregnancy end in the 8th week last year; I was due on my 40th birthday. From around that time until my daughter's birthday, my insomnia was awful. When it passed, I got a clue from a tv show as to what was bothering me.
But my insomnia began because of my inability to stop grieving. Like you, I have been hanging on for five years now. My dog died a month after my daughter was born, and my grandmother, who'd just been to my house to hold my girl, died suddenly (and probably from hospital mistakes) two weeks later.
We spent today's session talking about death and fear of death, fear of others dying, grief. My one dog just died before Thanksgiving. The fifth anniversary of my other dog's death is in two weeks; my grandmother's is two weeks later. (My mom had a recent bout of insomnia for one night. It wasn't until she got up after sleeping just two hours that she realized her best friend died that exact night two years earlier.)
Anyway, I'm rambling and don't have any answers for you. I understand exactly how you feel, though. And sometimes company is good for our misery.
Meditation and accupuncture are supposed to be good for both. My therapist has been pointing me in the direction of meditation for a long, long time. He's had some amazing results with it in his patients.
Oh, and about your dreams--I have had tons of dreams in which my grandmother comes back to life after years of being dead, only she was lost in an airport in another country and couldn't get back, or she had amnesia. It was always some misunderstanding. And when I'm up late, I still grab the phone to call her, out of habit.
The best poem I've ever written was a tribute to my grandparents--about things I found in the pockets of their old coats while we were settling the estate. Writing it was like a magic charm. I was able to let so much of it go. Maybe writing can help you a little, too.
Take care, Tabs.
Beardy : )>
Posted by IsoM on February 5, 2003, at 14:16:06
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Beardy's advice is really good. Write about it. Don't plan anything fancy like a poem or memorial - just let your emotions run out of the end of your pen. It helps immensely with healing & reaching a peace that seems to elude you otherwise.
Because of all the comments I've heard from others of their mom passing, I'm writing my mom's biography now. It's nothing fancy & isn't for publishing but I want to write a tribute to her while she's still alive. And by talking with her to get more details of her life, I've learned so much more.
We always will miss those we lost, sweetie. Write your heart on to paper. It's just for you & your mom.
Posted by beardedlady on February 5, 2003, at 15:04:43
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
What Iso said about not making it fancy--a poem or tribute--is excellent advice. I wanted to write something completely brilliant about her, but I couldn't write it for yours. So when I didn't try, it came--from a journal entry.
beardy : )>
Posted by bozeman on February 5, 2003, at 23:19:17
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
Hi Tabitha
I think that being "wired this way" is a protective mechanism for the species, so we can survive really traumatic circumstances and not just abandon each other (when a member of the "pack" falls off a cliff and is badly injured, so we will stay and nurse them back to health, even if it takes years, when it would be "easier" to just leave them at the foot of the cliff to die. So our gene pool survives, we are wired to not let go of our loved ones.)
But even if that's true, knowing it won't help you feel better. I too have noticed that every year around certain anniversaries (marriage date, divorce date, miscarriage date, ex husband's attempted suicide date, etc.) that I fall into a funk several weeks ahead of time. Unlike you, though, it took me over ten years to figure out it was happening. I try to be extra-gentle and nurturing toward myself at those times, and take advantage of the support of those I love (generally I'm much too independent to let anyone help me.) I also dream repeatedly of "unresolved" grief in my life -- having moved far, far away from home to go to college and never moved back home after graduation like I intended -- I have dreams of driving, driving, driving, trying to get there to see my parents, but I never make it. By the time I get there, they've moved or something. In my case, it's unresolved grief and guilt, though I know I "should" feel neither, I still do.
I don't know anything I can say that will lessen the pain of the very real loss you feel (like you said, your mom is still mom, no matter what.) What I can tell you is, I understand and empathize, and hope you can find something to support you through this difficult anniversary time.
Hope you feel better soon.
bozeman
>
> What's the point of being wired this way, to feel a loss for so long?
>
> I miss my mom. Crazy mom, depressed mom, manic mom, obsessed mom. Still mom.
Posted by jodie on February 6, 2003, at 0:08:29
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
I'm sorry you are going through this. You have had some good advice. Great support here. :-)
You're in my thoughts
Jodie
Posted by Tabitha on February 6, 2003, at 2:18:08
In reply to Re: Tabitha, posted by jodie on February 6, 2003, at 0:08:29
It helps to know I'm not so unique.
B'lady, that's an overwhelming amount of loss for you. It must help to be able to trace the insomnia to something. You were so worried to be in its evil clutches. It helps me to know when my crazy symptoms make some sense. Sometimes they're just a message trying to get heard. I wish they would just mail me a nice letter instead of manifesting physically.
Iso, get all the info from your mom you can. More awful than losing people is losing the chance to know them. I barely knew my mom's history, and her surviving family hasn't been able to fill in much for me.
Writing is good. The only way through it is lots of tears and feeling sadness. Seems unfair, like a job on top of current stressors, but then again if the grief was over, that would be more sad. The grief is the last bit of connection.
Posted by Tabitha on February 6, 2003, at 2:56:04
In reply to Re: thanks you sweeties, posted by Tabitha on February 6, 2003, at 2:18:08
When the grief gets kicked up I always want to go have an affair with someone-- brief & passionate. let sex distract me from death.
i'm a dumb animal, driven by biology. gots to get me some of that biology. quick! I go through the list, people I know, who, who can I choose for this brief affair without dreadful consequences? nobody. better take a pill. sublimate.
Posted by bozeman on February 6, 2003, at 22:26:02
In reply to Re: P.S. mortality, sex, posted by Tabitha on February 6, 2003, at 2:56:04
> When the grief gets kicked up I always want to go have an affair with someone-- brief & passionate. let sex distract me from death.
>
> i'm a dumb animal, driven by biology. gots to get me some of that biology. quick! I go through the list, people I know, who, who can I choose for this brief affair without dreadful consequences? nobody. better take a pill. sublimate.
>Yup, um hum, have you been following me around, reading my mind? =)
Tab, I am the *Queen* of Sublimate. Witness my Kingdom, of unfulfilled Obsessions, rampant Anxieties, and carefully-but-barely avoided Disasters. Care to join me in the Castle? We'll have a feast, served by attractive, scantily-clad young eunuchs (that way no Regrets) waving fans, feeding us grapes.
That is, unless you want the Castle to yourself awhile . . . I can always go on Safari, and let you have the run of the place for as long as you like. :-) And the Red Phone is a hotline straight to the Doctor. Use it whenever needed, it's toll-free.
Hope you feel better soon!
bozeman
Posted by Tabitha on February 7, 2003, at 1:32:42
In reply to Re: P.S. mortality, sex - been there » Tabitha, posted by bozeman on February 6, 2003, at 22:26:02
what do unfulfilled obsessions and rampant anxieties look like? Warty and hairy? pinched and thin? So they join you each night for dinner, along with the scantily clad eunuchs. Must be quite a party.
Posted by paxvox on February 7, 2003, at 18:39:33
In reply to I miss my mom., posted by Tabitha on February 5, 2003, at 12:58:26
I lost my mother in 1991, and it changed me, and my life, forever. Yes, you will miss her, and that's a normal, and a good thing. However, the way I avoid the depressive thoughts is to think how proud she would be to see how far I have gone to improve my life. I guess a lot, too, depends upon your religious beliefs, if any. I won't elababorate upon that unless you ask me to, but it has made a difference in MY life.
PAX
Posted by bozeman on February 8, 2003, at 0:22:11
In reply to Re: P.S. mortality, sex - been there » bozeman, posted by Tabitha on February 7, 2003, at 1:32:42
No, sorry, forget that my multi-dimensional pseudo-reality trains don't always translate directly for everyone else.
What I meant was: Unfilfilled obsessions, rampant anxieties etc. are like virtual-reality games and life-size movies. Look real, seem real, but not-real. Think you can touch them, but you can't. Can sit and watch the movies all day, but they are still movies. The neighbor's hunky husband, who I would never go near in real life (not my style to poach) could be an "unattached mysterious hunk" in one of the "pseudo-reality movies" projected on the castle wall. I am the wizard, I can put myself in the VR if I want, but it's still VR and no one gets hurt, not even me with all my neuroses, and certainly not him in his obliviousness.
But, it might be easier to imagine him warty and smelly . . .hmmmm, I'll have to give that a try. Thanks for the new perspective.
*Still* wishing you peace and warm thoughts in your dealings with the past.
bozeman
Posted by Tabitha on February 8, 2003, at 1:49:13
In reply to Re: P.S. mortality, sex - been there » Tabitha, posted by bozeman on February 8, 2003, at 0:22:11
was only kidding about the Unfulfilled Obsessions and Rampant Anxieties as dinner guests. Maybe should have used one of the dreaded emoticons :0(
thanks for the warm wishes
but heck, if they're fantasies, then why eunuchs? bring on the hunka-hunka-hunks o burnin' love.
;-)
Posted by bozeman on February 8, 2003, at 13:59:25
In reply to Re: P.S. mortality, sex - been there » bozeman, posted by Tabitha on February 8, 2003, at 1:49:13
> was only kidding about the Unfulfilled Obsessions and Rampant Anxieties as dinner guests. Maybe should have used one of the dreaded emoticons :0(
>
> thanks for the warm wishes
>
> but heck, if they're fantasies, then why eunuchs? bring on the hunka-hunka-hunks o burnin' love.
>
> ;-)Only (for me) because that's my addiction. They are eunuchs so I can enjoy their presence without getting lost in the roller-coaster-inevitable-disaster that would result.
But if you don't have that problem . . . GO FOR IT!!!! Bring on the dancing surf dudes, Tabitha's ready for a PARTY!!
= )Thank God I have a healthy imagination, or I'm not sure I could have survived the last fifteen years of brain illness without actually "losing'" it an a more permanent sense.
Best to you in your journey (real, or virtual)
(and if you get together with those surfer dudes, be sure and tell us what fun you had!)bozeman
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