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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
I have to make conversation with a guy in the coffeeshop. I keep seeing perfect opportunities and wrecking it by being just frozen with shyness.
Last weekend I sat next to a cute black guy who was reading the paper. He started yawning loudly, I think he was trying to get my attention. All I had to do was look over and smile, I think he would have talked to me, but I couldn't do it. Or I could have said "hey, you're making me sleepy with that yawning". But I just couldn't do it. I sat there for 10 minutes like a big dumb idiot and left.
The only time I'm able to talk to strangers like that is if I'm drinking. That's the whole appeal, alcohol obliterates my shyness and I get to talk to people.
My therapist says it's like jumping off the diving board. She asked me how I'll feel if in ten years my life is just the same and I haven't made any changes. What a godawful thought. So I'm supposed to talk to strangers. Yikes. It's taken me years just to get halfway comfortable chatting with the coffeeshop employees when I buy my coffee. I never talk to strangers. Never. I'm just too frozen. Yikes. Now I'm supposed to talk to them. It's my homework. Yikes. :-]
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 2, 2002, at 7:04:23
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
I can totally relate.. my therapist agve me homes work 2 weeks ago of going into a shop and asking for something they obviously didn't sell... To show me that people won't laugh at me.
I tried.. i really really tried, but I really just couldn't do it. She wasn't angry at me when i turne dup th enext week and told her I hadn't done it.. but she did take me out and make me go into a shop and do it with her.. we went to the local news agents and she made me ask for socks. Needless to say to woman chuckled... just re-inforcing all my ideas... so the therpaist made me do star jumps ont he edge of a very busy road.. no one batted an eye lid but I hate going back to that road now incase anyone recognises me.
Do your best... these things are very very hard.
Nikki xx
Posted by SandraDee on October 2, 2002, at 9:35:14
In reply to Re: My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by NikkiT2 on October 2, 2002, at 7:04:23
Therapists give out this kinda homework for their own enjoyment or something. Like making you do star jumps (I'm guessing jumping jacks) on the sidewalk. Why does everyone have to be sooo outgoing? I mean, I'm actually one of those people that DOES talk to strangers in the checkout and make light hearted silly convo like "I ALWAYS pick the wrong lane" after a price check or the woman that forgot her checkbook and has to run to the car to get it. But that doesn't make my life any better than those who DON'T make small talk. PLUS it embarrasses my husband when I talk to others as openly as I do sometimes. AND I think of myself as SHY. hahahahahaha Soooo whaaaatever works I guess.
Posted by mist on October 2, 2002, at 13:01:12
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
I think it's better to talk to people when you're doing some shared activity. A discussion group, volunteering, hiking, etc. I don't see the point of talking to strangers unless it happens spontaneously and is comfortable for you. In my opinion, it's not necessarily healthier to be able to do that. Some people are just reserved.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 14:40:18
In reply to Re: My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by mist on October 2, 2002, at 13:01:12
It's my repeated griping about the problem that prompted this. I really want to talk to people but feel paralyzed with shyness and self-criticism. I can get to know people in social clubs but it takes forever, like a year around the same people before I start to open up. Even if I take an 8-week class I can go thru it and not really meet anyone, so I quit bothering. Paralysis. I don't have time to hang out in groups for a year just to finally meet a few people.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on October 2, 2002, at 15:06:58
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
> I have to make conversation with a guy in the coffeeshop. I keep seeing perfect opportunities and wrecking it by being just frozen with shyness.
-------------------------I don't think that "normal" people meet each other by that route either. How many couples do you know that met by having one spontaneously introducing themselves to the other in a public place? Almost without exception, every couple I know met either at work, or because they were part of a group of common friends. For me, the most useful exercises were simple things like maintaining eye contact with people, or asking someone the time.
Also, the therapist seemed to generalize my social anxiety to everyone I met, but I was perfectly fine talking to, say, old people. It was people in my peer groups that I had a problem with.
Posted by alii on October 2, 2002, at 15:12:29
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change, posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 14:40:18
Tabitha,
I'm not sure if you have read this book or not but many shy people in my life have said that it helped them. (Partner is quite shy and has had much difficulity over past several years with schooling and student teaching)
Shyness: What It Is, What to Do about It
Subtitle: A Bold New Approach: The Latest Scientific Findings, Plus Practical Steps for Finding Your Comfort Zone
By Philip Zimbardo
ISBN: 0201550180I have quite a handful of terribly shy people as friends and I admire them in the challenges they face daily that I take for granted as being a 'usual' transaction....when to them it is the end all be all of challenges.
Good luck and keep up with that homework. Best wishes.
--alii
Posted by mist on October 2, 2002, at 15:30:26
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change, posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 14:40:18
Tabitha,
Oh, I didn't realize that it was a goal you chose for yourself. I was thinking back to when a therapist implied I should expect to meet people in the produce section. I doubt I'll ever be able to relax in the produce section. :) I thought maybe all therapists imposed a similar scenario on their shy clients. But if it's something you want, I wish you luck in being able to do it. I'm very shy, so I know it can be hard to talk to just anyone. And I agree the group thing doesn't always pan out into friendships. For me it just feels safer and, in theory at least, more likely that I'll connect with someone.> It's my repeated griping about the problem that prompted this. I really want to talk to people but feel paralyzed with shyness and self-criticism. I can get to know people in social clubs but it takes forever, like a year around the same people before I start to open up. Even if I take an 8-week class I can go thru it and not really meet anyone, so I quit bothering. Paralysis. I don't have time to hang out in groups for a year just to finally meet a few people.
Posted by Phil on October 2, 2002, at 19:22:06
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change, posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 14:40:18
Tabitha, You want to meet someone? When a situation presents itself, stick out your right hand, stare them in the eye and say,"Hi, my name is Tabitha." 9X's out of 10, they will shake your hand, introduce themselves and you'll then notice something peculiar. They will look shy and uneasy. If it feels right, if they're cool, just say, "I Really have a hard time meeting people, I never know what to say." They will say, "Me, too. I don't know who to trust."
yada, yada...you go girl.
Or, next time you checkout anywhere, ask the cashier, with true concern, doing okay today? or How's 'your' day been? When they hear honesty in your voice, it shocks them a bit but you see their wall come down and they talk. They remember you because in 20 years, nobody has done that! haha
Here THE secret to communication: Listen intently. Don't think: What do I say to this person. Do small talk but show in your eyes that you're really more interested in what they have to say. People need listeners and they will like you.
__________Shoulders back, chin up, be comfortable with yourself, hold your head up high, look open with your body language.
____________
1. Most people struggle with meeting others2. Hear what someone is really saying.
Learn to be curious about people and talking will come from that. And that's real.
Once you get to know some people you move to step #2..How to get rid of them.AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by SandraDee on October 2, 2002, at 20:43:37
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change » Tabßitha, posted by Phil on October 2, 2002, at 19:22:06
That's the therapy I need. How to get rid of the user people that I attract because I talk to people too easily. I need to learn to be more picky about who I chose as friends and not feel badly about the ones I just don't want to even have time for. I know that sounds snobby and selfish, but if you knew the people that I usually attract, you'd understand completely.
Posted by lawrence s. on October 2, 2002, at 21:57:34
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
> I have to make conversation with a guy in the coffeeshop. I keep seeing perfect opportunities and wrecking it by being just frozen with shyness.
>
> Last weekend I sat next to a cute black guy who was reading the paper. He started yawning loudly, I think he was trying to get my attention. All I had to do was look over and smile, I think he would have talked to me, but I couldn't do it. Or I could have said "hey, you're making me sleepy with that yawning". But I just couldn't do it. I sat there for 10 minutes like a big dumb idiot and left.
>
> The only time I'm able to talk to strangers like that is if I'm drinking. That's the whole appeal, alcohol obliterates my shyness and I get to talk to people.
>
> My therapist says it's like jumping off the diving board. She asked me how I'll feel if in ten years my life is just the same and I haven't made any changes. What a godawful thought. So I'm supposed to talk to strangers. Yikes. It's taken me years just to get halfway comfortable chatting with the coffeeshop employees when I buy my coffee. I never talk to strangers. Never. I'm just too frozen. Yikes. Now I'm supposed to talk to them. It's my homework. Yikes. :-]
>Tabitha, speaking for myself, shyness is a plus in a woman. Chances are that the guy was saying to himself. "She's so fine, she's out of my league"??
Posted by wsj on October 3, 2002, at 0:19:51
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
tabBitha,
you talk to strangers all the time thru your keyboard! have you tried thinking about it like your posting on a web site? how do you get the fancy B in your name?wsj
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:29:06
In reply to Re: My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by wsj on October 3, 2002, at 0:19:51
> tabBitha,
> you talk to strangers all the time thru your keyboard! have you tried thinking about it like your posting on a web site? how do you get the fancy B in your name?
>Posting doesn't bring up the shyness reaction. I have time to think and react. I actually get shy doing chat though, because it's real-time. I'll bet the internet is full of shy people who are more comfortable in writing than in person.
That "B" comes from the non-english character set.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:31:14
In reply to shyness » Tabßitha, posted by alii on October 2, 2002, at 15:12:29
Thanks, I'll look for that book. I don't have a good book on the topic. Maybe I can chat up a bookstore clerk and kill 2 birds with one stone. :-)
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:45:52
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change » Tabßitha, posted by mist on October 2, 2002, at 15:30:26
Yeah, maybe I over-emphasized the whole my-therapist-is-torturing-me aspect. But it does feel like torture to have to finally take some action.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:53:39
In reply to Re: My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Eddie Sylvano on October 2, 2002, at 15:06:58
I'm just trying to get comfortable with casual spontaneous conversation, like at the coffeeshop where strangers do talk to each other, or probably want to at least. Can't say I know couples who met in that way, but I do know people who've made friends by being regulars at public places. In fact I've watched it happen from my lonely perch on the sidelines.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:58:55
In reply to Re: I actually do want to change » Tabßitha, posted by Phil on October 2, 2002, at 19:22:06
Those are good things to do. I know another one. You ever notice how some people say hi as though they recognize you, even when they couldn't possibly? That always makes me feel friendlier.
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 3:03:18
In reply to And you aren't offering lessons in that? » Phil, posted by SandraDee on October 2, 2002, at 20:43:37
I usually have no trouble at all ditching unwanted people. I guess since my natural state is "closed" it's easy to switch off the "open" sign. I'll trade you a couple notches of my shyness for a bit of your openness.
Posted by SandraDee on October 3, 2002, at 9:31:14
In reply to Re: funny... » SandraDee, posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 3:03:18
I didn't want to post it and be the odd-ball in this group, AND I didn't want to be recognized, but I *DID* meet my husband that sort of way. Cruising Hollywood. Sunset and Western. We were 19 and I hollered at him and he came running to my car. I gave him my (real) number and we 'hooked up'. Years later, married with 2 beautiful kids. Who'd a thunk it? (I'm gonna get a smack from Beardy for that one, I just know it!)
Posted by alii on October 3, 2002, at 10:28:27
In reply to Re: shyness » alii, posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 2:31:14
>>>> Thanks, I'll look for that book. I don't have a good book on the topic. Maybe I can chat up a bookstore clerk and kill 2 birds with one stone. :-) <<<<
Oh that's rich Tabbitha. Go get em tiger!
wishing you adventure,
alii
Posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 14:41:17
In reply to The really funny thing is... » Tabßitha, posted by SandraDee on October 3, 2002, at 9:31:14
Posted by Mal on October 3, 2002, at 14:50:14
In reply to That's the spirit! » Tabßitha, posted by alii on October 3, 2002, at 10:28:27
Tabitha, you are so witty, I never would have imagined that you are shy! I hope you get more comfortable with showing others (in person) what a fabulous sense of humor you have! Good luck with it- keep us posted!
Mal
Posted by Gabbix2 on October 3, 2002, at 20:13:58
In reply to Re: Awww, that is so romantic (nm) » SandraDee, posted by Tabßitha on October 3, 2002, at 14:41:17
And when I hear you are asking your daughter "You're going out of the house wearing THAT"? And "What are you doing giving your phone number to guys you meet on the street anyway"?..
I will send it to her
Posted by SandraDee on October 4, 2002, at 9:29:31
In reply to I'm going to print out that post Sandra Dee, posted by Gabbix2 on October 3, 2002, at 20:13:58
The story we tell the KIDS is... "We met at church." :) When people ask me "how did you and hubby meet?" I always ask THEM, "the truth or what we will tell the kids?" *grin* :)
Posted by Dinah on October 5, 2002, at 0:52:26
In reply to My therapist gave me homework and I'm scared., posted by Tabßitha on October 2, 2002, at 4:06:41
Can you start with something easier and work your way up to the coffeeshop? Around here, it's perfectly acceptable to make conversation in the elevator. And you don't have to worry about making it deep or trying to figure out how to end it because the doors open and you're out. I realize it's probably not the way to a lasting relationship, but it would give good practice. Slow moving checkout lines have the same advantage - limited contact. That would mean you'd have to give up the drive thru though. :)
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