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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:41:03
Hi,
I'm isolating more and more and just wish people, esp. my family, would quit emailing me with, "How are You doing?" Just leave me alone. It just reminds me over and over again that I'm a mental case. They don't understand depression at all and that's one reason why I just don't "share" with them anymore. My one sister told me once, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." PUUHHHLLEASE!!! I've run marathons, ultramarathons, can out-lift most men at the gym, but when I go down for the count with a serious bout of depression, no amount of toughness helps. All I want to do is stuff my face with junk, sleep and cry. Oh, and hide or run-away from everything!!!
I know they mean well and I should be grateful the care. (Whoops, old therapist said warned me about those "shoulds"), but those emails that pop up after I've disappeared for a while with that question just get's on my nerves. And family events: DREAD 'EM! I'm in a panic over my father's upcoming 80th birthday 'cause it means some hideous family/dinner/social event that will include my red-neck, hunting-loving, right-wing brother-in-law who molested me when I was 17. Of course, all my family thinks he's wonderful. Why can't they ever just say, "I understand" when I find socializing too difficult at times?. They think it will help. It doesn't.
I've also lossed friends because I just cannot plan to do things. Never know what mood I'll be in and sometimes cancel at the last minute, although my original intentions are good. God, how I envy people who can actually PLAN vacations, events, dinners, etc and carry through with them, and even, dare I say, enjoy them! What a luxury.
Just venting.
Posted by Gabbi on August 16, 2002, at 14:36:07
In reply to Family,isolation,etc., posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:41:03
Okay, you were just venting, but I have written that same post, repeatedly, archives) On a good I'll make a plan, and then overnight my mood changes, and I can't carry it through. I've lost almost all my friends.
And as for comments like "when the going gets tough" I wrote a post on those too, the only good in them is that they can take my mind off my depression and have me contemplate homicide for a few minutes. I also know they mean well, but its absolutely exhausting trying to explain that its not about one problem, or feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't perfect.
The depression sucks the life out of everything. I used to kickbox, and now I have people saying "good for you" if I walk to the store. I've gone to therapy groups to appease my family and they freaked me out, teaching things like how to prepare a meal personal hygeine. Cooking I did very well and enjoyed pre-depression, and I still shower for god sakes.
When I mentioned how awful that felt, my mom said "well I don't see you cook much"
And I flipped, you know Van Gogh couldn't always paint when depressed, it didn't mean that painting lessons would help him. !!!!!!!Sorry, Just venting back,
Thats such a sore spot with me, and because I know they mean well and its wasted effort anyway, I just blow up here.You have my empathy
In the mean time, Cheer up, think about how lucky you are, what would you do if you had a real problem? (just kidding)If you look in the archives march 20 2002 You'll find a whole thread started by Lili80 that pretty well covers all the stupid things people have said to make you feel better. And in that "oh I'm not alone way", it did make me feel better.
Posted by BeArDedLADY on August 16, 2002, at 14:48:39
In reply to Family,isolation,etc., posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:41:03
I have a nice family, and I've never been molested, but I saw this and thought, "That's my uncle!" We're Jewish, so it's pretty unusual to have a redneck, hunting-loving*, right-wing anything in our family. Gatherings with this man are always dreaded.
I do want to say, though, that those well-meaning family members don't mean to remind you of a mental illness. They probably do really care. And if you'd like them not to bother you when you "disappear" for a while, drop a line to tell them you're okay before they e-mail you.
I suppose if you're not grateful that you have a loving family, that's something to bring up in therapy. But do express your feelings with your family; tell them it bothers you when they check in on you like that. But offer them something to calm their fears.
beardy
(*No offense to the hunters out there.)
Posted by Medusa on August 19, 2002, at 7:44:07
In reply to Family,isolation,etc., posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:41:03
> just wish people, esp. my family, would quit
> emailing me with, "How are You doing?"can you put an automated response on your e-mail? maybe with links to sites for family/friends of depressed persons?
>stuff my face with junk, sleep and cry. Oh,
> and hide or run-away from everything!!!make an effort to take care of your bod - get some salads in there with that junk. Hard to do, I know. *If* you give yourself permission to isolate, maybe you can more easily take care of yourself, so that you'll feel as good as possible, all by yourself.
> I know they mean wellYou sure? Maybe they want to assuage their consciences. Maybe deep down, they know they've screwed up and contributed to big family problems, and they know you're carrying the big black bag, and they want to be sure that you keep carrying it but they feel bad, and by calling they just want to ease their minds. "Knowing that they mean well" is loaded. Whose motives are purely positive?
>I'm in a panic over my father's upcoming 80thCan you get out of this? Now? The sooner you cut yourself the room you need, the sooner you'll be able to really enjoy your isolation. Yes, people will be upset. Yup, your father might be hurt. And if you go, you'll pay a price far greater than the sum of all of their irritation, hurt etc.
> all my family thinks he's wonderful.Again, I'm not so sure about this. I think people know deep down what's what (am I wishful- thinking?) and they WANT to believe that nasty in-laws and other molesters are 'wonderful', so they make a lot of effort to that. But look who's left paying the bills for this 'wonderful' family - YOU.
>Why can't they ever just say, "I understand"
They will NEVER understand. So start taking care of yourself - providing yourself the isolation you need - right now, and try to accept that they'll be not-at-all-understanding about this, because it'll disturb their delicate balance. Change is really hard, and until they understand that you're not going to pay for their fiddling, and they find a new equilibrium, they'll try to coerce you back into playing the role they're comfortable with you playing.
> I just cannot plan to do things.
I hear you. Wish I had a solution to this.
> Just venting.Venting can be good. Until it takes you around the same circles once more, and then it's not constructive. So vent all you need to, but be sure you do other things that you need to do, to take care of yourself, as well.
Please keep posting.
-M
Posted by mist on August 19, 2002, at 9:43:46
In reply to Another perspective -Re: Family,isolation,etc. » sjb, posted by Medusa on August 19, 2002, at 7:44:07
Posted by Ritch on August 19, 2002, at 10:40:50
In reply to Family,isolation,etc., posted by sjb on August 16, 2002, at 9:41:03
Hey, that is my WHOLE family to a tee! My Mom gave me her deer rifle with a scope for a Christmas present a couple of years ago. Gee, good thing I haven't had any suicidal thoughts for a year or two now! They all know I am bipolar :) Thanks MA! :) I use it for target shooting only with friends and the ammo stays at their house. When you are depressed you don't feel like anybody really cares about you, but they do.
Mitch
Posted by sjb on August 19, 2002, at 13:37:34
In reply to Re: Family,isolation, rednecks, et al » sjb, posted by Ritch on August 19, 2002, at 10:40:50
Thanks to all. Some great advice that I will put to use.
As for diet, I eat a raw veggies and fruit just about about everyday. Sometimes, however, the craving for sweets, esp. baked goods (lots of them) are overwhelming and I go into a frenzy/gorge and feel horrible afterwards. When I wrote my post I was in the middle of such an (all day!) episode.
The "How are You" emails from family are trivial. It just started me off for some reason. I kinda flipped once to one sister and she's backed off quite a bit. I did aplogize and I know it hurt her. I feel badly about that.
Also, I know I push people away and then wonder why I'm so loney. Duh!
I am greatful for my many blessings. As different as they are from me, I know most of my family are good and caring folks. Yes, some probably have an agenda, some are definitely in denial. I need to accept that they will never understand and to keep family events to a minimum. They usually push my buttons.
I have a wonderful husband and 3 great cats. They are so cool.
As for therapy, I've had over 6 years and it didn't help much. I tired of it.
Thanks, again. Going back to check the thread from March 20.
This is the end of the thread.
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