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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 22, 2002, at 18:46:27
Well, I guess I may have done it this time, but I don't think I had a choice. Yesterday, I had to call some of my wife's sisters to tell them how worried I was about her depression, and that she has not gone to (refuses) counseling to help herself. I know that the "bloodline" ties can be a double-edged sword, but luckily they know me well enough (and long enough) to know I was telling them honestly how tenuous things with her had become. I fear for her safety, and the effects it has already had on me over the past 7 years, and how it is now really starting to be picked up by my 7 year old daughter. I mean, what do I tell my little girl when she asks "why is mommy sleeping all day"? I know the root causes of her depression, and it is over 30 years old. I really can't elaborate on an open forum, but it clearly is not an issue that is EVER going to resolve itself with time. What next? I don't know. No one can be FORCED to get counseling unless it can be proven that they are a danger to themself or others. I REALLY don't want to turn that stone over.
Those who have known me, or have read my posts over the past couple of years, know that I struggle with my own demon of depression, anxiety and insomnia. This deal with my wife really drags me down to where I cannot function well, fragile as I sometimes am in general. I even went to counseling last summer for about 6 months to learn coping skills to deal with HER moods, and to keep them from dragging me in, That worked for a bit, but things have come back around. Sorry, I guess I am rambling on here, it's just that I am desparate for a solution. I want my wife back, I want our family to function "noramlly", I want my little girl to see how a couple is supposed to interact so that she can develop a healthy attitude. What can I do? I know I'm not the only one ever to face these circumstances. I have let it go on for too long, I thought "maybe it's this, nmaybe it's that, maybe it will pass." And have thus been enabling her to keep hiding from the dark and ugly past. It's time for it to stop. So how and what do I do? Anybody?
PAX
in the spiral downward
Posted by susan C on April 22, 2002, at 19:20:50
In reply to Storm Warning, posted by paxvox2000 on April 22, 2002, at 18:46:27
my dear pax, I know you are upset, no, that is not the right word, something more than that, because you mis spelled a word, and you dont mis spell words. My dear pax. Storm warning, signal flags...that is what you did, you signaled to other ships, the coast guard is alerting all ships in the area. I hope your sister in laws can help. Perhaps in ways to care for your little one, as well as support your spouse to find help. You asked for ideas...is there anyone else she will listen to? Anywhere else you can get support, your church family?
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. What would happen 'if'. It came up because my hubs work has a way to 'bank' sick leave and vacation days that can be given to other people, if they run out of their own. Some one just had major heart surgery and has run out of their own time, so, everybody pitches in and helps. Needless to say, i wouldnt want to be on the committee that decides who gets some of the 'banked' time. But that is a surgery. a long time 'i give up', how do you bake cookies and bring by a casserole for 40 years?
My apologies for not coming up with more answers, only asking more questions.
mouse too far away to be much good
Posted by Zo on April 22, 2002, at 21:51:40
In reply to Storm Warning, posted by paxvox2000 on April 22, 2002, at 18:46:27
I think the answer is, You gotta turn that stone over a little. And that there are degrees. I would use whatever powers I could to get someone I loved into a doctor's/shrink's office, whether they wanted to go or not. This isn't like alcoholism where you have to wait for her to bottom out--and some people do set up Interventions.So I'd start with finding a shrink who'd be willing to do this because she needs help. It's okay for you to act now, and to have not acted before.
In other words, there's force and there's force. ..
Zo
Posted by Krazy Kat on April 22, 2002, at 22:45:22
In reply to Storm Warning, posted by paxvox2000 on April 22, 2002, at 18:46:27
oh, pax, this makes me so sad. i would say my husband feels similarly (he has some probs, too), except i have agreed to get help - it's just taking awhile. he, however, is reluctant to seek help.
the fact that you went to someone to learn how to deal with it is nothing short of "noble" - really.
is she the type of person who needs ultimatums to understand how serious a situation is? i mean, a drag down, awful argument with comments such as "we may need to seperate for awhile until this gets better"? (i know you're not pro-divorce at all, but my husband used to have to have it Thrown in his face to see a problem).
that's probably not much help, but you do have my sympathy. unfortunately we "difficult folks" seem to be attracted to each other, and that makes life a challenge to say the least.
- kk
Posted by trouble on April 22, 2002, at 23:01:42
In reply to Re: Storm Warning, posted by Zo on April 22, 2002, at 21:51:40
Hey Pax,
i am so moved by your post, it belongs in a book, it says it all, and I have advice but it may not be good advice at all, it is only the thing that worked for me, and I didn't have a daughter in the mix to consider, that might have changed everything, but his depressions were killing me, they were draining the life force out of me, and it was hard, b/c no one else could stand to be near him b/c his depression was such a heavy force, it took too much out of people to be near him, even though his thoughts, when he did manage to speak were the kind of thoughts you'd go into another room to jot down in a notebook.
This is the dilemma of loving a severely troubled individual, the goodies are better than anything out there, so not having a child to consider (and your concern for how this is affetcting her is IMHO very wise, responsible and fatherly)...anyway long story short I threw his ass out, this was like 8 years ago and today we are closer than ever, but he ended up certifiably insane and spends his life wandering the earth when he's not in a psych ward. So I did the right thing for myself, don't ask me if I did the right thing for him, that's one stone I'm not about to turn over.
I thought the reality of losing me and what we had would send him on the right path, you know, that he would start dealing w/ his material, and do therapy, see a shrink, take care of his mind... but that didn't happen.
Like I say we are close still, but will never live together again, and when he's manic and off his meds I won't have anything to do w/him. It's hard. But I keep thinking what this lady in church told me: do the airline routine, Robin, put the oxygen mask on your own face first, only then will you have any chance of helping someone else.
OK, that's it.
We are here for you, and your wife too. What's the chances of her ever dropping in to tell us what's going on w/her? Have you ever suggested it? Sorry if I don't know the details, I'm a relative newcomer, not familiar w/ everyone's psb history, but I must ask next to you, where is her haven?trouble
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 23, 2002, at 13:26:58
In reply to Re: Storm Warning, posted by trouble on April 22, 2002, at 23:01:42
Thanks for all your heart-felt responses,and sorry, Mouse, the one thing PSB lacks is spell check, and I type like a chicken hunting for seeds in the yard. Anywhooooo..........for Trouble, my wife's haven,as it were, is to either sleep, study the Bible (and that's an irony I didn't even get into, as she is a Christian as am I) or to go spend money (or just cruise) at Walmart. What drove my actions Sunday, was returning from church to find a message on the phone machine saying " I am going for a ride..to the beach probably...I'll be back sometime tonight...and well...I love you, bye."
I fear that if it were NOT for the children ( we also have a daughter about to turn 19) she might consider the "ultimate" haven for those thinking that there is no way out. I have tried church friends, and non-church friends, but they can only do so much. The trouble, is that my wife can put on the smiley face for a while amongst others, and then do a 180 when she sees me back at home. I have become her target of anger, which I'm sure makes her feel guilty (she HAS to know how things affect me, she sees it). I'm sure she still loves me, but cannot use me as the support I could be. She does not like to talk about problems, ANY problems, and this is a BIG problem.
Guess I'll see what happens the rest of this week, and if her sisters have called like they said they would, then take it from there.
Thanks, ya'll, for your concern.
PAX
Posted by fi on April 23, 2002, at 17:34:51
In reply to Re: Storm Warning, posted by paxvox2000 on April 23, 2002, at 13:26:58
Reading your messages makes me concerned for *your* welfare- I hope that you have some support too (like you had with the counselling).
Have you told her doctor how she is? Just from the point of you not having to carry all the responsibility- and it sounds exhausting that she is venting everything at you. Doctors should also be used to people who put on a smiling face but are feeling appalling.
I can see you are in a difficult position as any efforts you make to get her to seek help risk making her even angrier at you.
*If* a calm explanation to her of the effect her state is having on your child might help her consider help, that *might* be one option- but you have more expertise in this; I cant tell.
Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Fi
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 23, 2002, at 19:02:13
In reply to Re: Storm Warning » paxvox2000, posted by fi on April 23, 2002, at 17:34:51
Thanks for the feedback, I think you have hit on some of the key points of the issue. I have had a lot of time to ponder the possibilites. I just know now that there is no more going back, everything I do from now on has to be a step toward a reslolution. It has to be more than the "two steps forward, one step back" pattern it has been. With the enocouragement of you, and others of like mind, I will find the answer somewhere. It does make me glad to know that in this all-too anonymous world, there is a forum such as this where human compassion knows no boundries. Thanks again for you support.
PAX
Posted by Krazy Kat on April 23, 2002, at 20:06:10
In reply to Re: Storm Warning, posted by paxvox2000 on April 23, 2002, at 13:26:58
pax:
this is a Very personal question, so perhaps it is better on chat when you have time, If you want to discuss it.
Are you Catholic or Born Again, or something else?
I ask b/c I grew up Born Again, am rather a dietist(that's spelled wrong - I don't mean dentist :)), and my husband is Catholic. Someone on this site recommended:
A Candle at Midnight
a book about depression and waiting on God. The author is female and she does take medication, so there's an immediate connect there. Also, she seems to be Catholic, but is pretty broad in her spiritual statements.
Can you go see a priest/reverend? The fact that you both believe similarly is a great start, imho! I went to see a priest with my husband during the marital trouble time and it helped. But they have to be savvy enough to understand that depression is an illness, not the "blues". Unfortunately ours wasn't, so there was only so far we could go.
If you have a loving and caring spiritual counselor at the helm, so to speak, perhaps it would be easier. I have been shocked to learn how many couples go to their pastors for marital help. Even My parents did. :)
- kk
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 25, 2002, at 7:09:40
In reply to Re: Storm Warning » paxvox2000, posted by Krazy Kat on April 23, 2002, at 20:06:10
We are Presbyterian,though wife was raised Catholic. I have tried to get her to see someone at church, or the Christian counsellor I saw, she did not wish to go. I do have several people at church she is talking to who hopefully can help aim her in that direction.
PAX
Posted by Krazy Kat on April 25, 2002, at 10:20:10
In reply to Re: Storm Warning » Krazy Kat, posted by paxvox2000 on April 25, 2002, at 7:09:40
Posted by Fi on April 25, 2002, at 12:49:06
In reply to Re: Storm Warning » fi, posted by paxvox2000 on April 23, 2002, at 19:02:13
I wanted to say I'm thinking of you, and your difficult situation. Sounds so exhausting, and may take a while to sort out.
Hope you are giving yourself any breaks/treats that you can (eg chocolate, sitting in the sun, playing with your child- whatever yours are).
Take care.
Fi
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 18:08:11
In reply to Re: Storm Warning » paxvox2000, posted by Fi on April 25, 2002, at 12:49:06
Thanks again for your support. Sometimes just a nice little comment can be very helpful. This makes me feel all the more "guilty" for not visiting PSB for a few months until about 3 weeks ago. I could have been using that "good" time I was enjoying to have been of assistance to someone else. I know, I know, self-flagellation and that good ole' 20-20 hindsight are not good things to fixate upon. I think, however, I have learned a valuable lesson in how the sharing aspect of a board like this works in a cyclical manner. We need to be here when we are doing well or poorly, and to share our successes or failures, even if we may not feel like it. It has been nice to renew my friendships with some of my old chatting pals, and to find some new names in the mix as well. As they say, strength in numbers, or better yet, three strands twisted together are not easily torn. So, I'll be here to help and be helped, to encourage and to recevive encouragement. Thanks again to all who have dropped a line my way!
PAX
This is the end of the thread.
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