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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rach on February 18, 2001, at 2:35:28
I have had one of the best weekends of my life. 4 friends, fun, a splash of alcohol, lots of food, great conversation, and a few vids.
Have you ever realised that you are you own worst enemy (to coin a cliched phrase)? I love my life. But I keep doing things to screw it up for myself. I don't know how I can trust myself not to ruin what beauty and love I have now. I am happy - and I am closer to committing suicide than I have ever been before. I keep looking at the kitchen knives. I think about all the pills in the house. I drove around trying to find a nice tree or pole to wrap myself around. I don't want to let myself make an utter mess of my life. I love and enjoy my life too much for that.
Posted by Rach on February 18, 2001, at 10:20:35
In reply to warning - trigger material contained within, posted by Rach on February 18, 2001, at 2:35:28
Yep, gotten over that now. Feeling really messed up inside, lots of things going on, but okay and safe. I am too strong to attempt something horrible. I don't want to. I never wanted to - it was just a way for me to get sympathy and to be released from my obligations. If I had have attempted anything I would have set myself up to fail because there is too much fun and good waiting for me - I don't want to die now.
Posted by ksvt on February 18, 2001, at 11:52:03
In reply to hmm..., posted by Rach on February 18, 2001, at 10:20:35
> Rach - you need to try to hold onto that thought the next time you feel suicidal. I know that depressive thoughts always have a permanent feel to them, but it sometimes helps me if I can remember that previous suicidal thoughts, no matter how strong, did go away. Also the next time you view yourself as your own worst enemy, try to remember that YOU brought yourself out of this one. K
Posted by Rach on February 19, 2001, at 7:03:19
In reply to Re: hmm... » Rach, posted by ksvt on February 18, 2001, at 11:52:03
Thank you. Your words are very wise.
I am feeling much more on top of things again.
Posted by Noa on February 19, 2001, at 14:13:14
In reply to kvst, posted by Rach on February 19, 2001, at 7:03:19
Rach, why the urges, do you think?
I am glad you have the response ready--I don't want to do this, etc. But I do worry about how close you come to the temptation. What kind of help are you getting? Why do you think there is this being drawn to the edge?
Glad you told us. I really do hope you have a safety plan, though, and people to help keep you safe, people you can call to be with if the urge gets strong. Hopefully it wont.
Posted by Rach on February 19, 2001, at 16:50:31
In reply to Re: kvst, posted by Noa on February 19, 2001, at 14:13:14
> Rach, why the urges, do you think?
>
> I am glad you have the response ready--I don't want to do this, etc. But I do worry about how close you come to the temptation. What kind of help are you getting? Why do you think there is this being drawn to the edge?
>
> Glad you told us. I really do hope you have a safety plan, though, and people to help keep you safe, people you can call to be with if the urge gets strong. Hopefully it wont.Hi Noa -
I'm wondering if my hormones are wreaking havoc on me at the moment. I've been on the contraceptive pill for about 5 years now. This month I went off it because I was having some probs with it. So for the first time in 5yrs my hormones are doing whatever the hell they feel like doing - instead of the regular hormone doses from the pill. Could this be part of the urges? The other thing is that I didn't turn up to school or work for a day - I was running away from the responsibility of that. I never wanted to die. I wanted to be released from my responsibilities and gain sympathy from people. I wanted whatever I was going to attempt to seem like an accident. I wanted to hurt myself, but I did not want to die. I was trying to escape the problems that I have.Thankfully, I have some close friends to help me out. One girlfriend attemped suicide a couple of years ago - so she completely understands. I am so fortunate to have people who accept that I sometimes need their help and compassion, and who know and understand about the depression I have.
I am extremely lucky. I do love my life.
Posted by Noa on February 20, 2001, at 11:49:56
In reply to Noa, posted by Rach on February 19, 2001, at 16:50:31
Rach, I do think the hormone thing might be very important!!
I am now reading "Screaming to be Heard". It is fascinating. You might want to take a look. The info is on Dr. Bob's books page.
Glad you are not really suicidal. I can relate to the wanting to escape thing. Maybe you can come up with a list of ways to deal with that feeling more directly?
This is the end of the thread.
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