![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gwen on January 26, 2001, at 6:46:05
How are you?
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 26, 2001, at 8:27:42
In reply to Ant-Rock, posted by gwen on January 26, 2001, at 6:46:05
> How are you?
Thank you for asking Gwen.
Experiencing so many different emotions, still pretty messed up. I wake up very early in the a.m. everyday with thoughts racing through my mind, trying to make sense of it all. Definitely drained. Exercising every day helps somewhat.
Every single person that knew us, when I tell them what happened, they are in total shock. They all say the same thing, we seemed closer than their own marriage. Like I said, we were best friends.
I've been through some serious life changing events for someone my age, but this is by far the worst. I know it will get better eventually, but for now , what can I say. Still in a daze.
She used to ask me if I would stay by her side if she ever got a serious illness. Of course I assured her I would, and I meant it. Things like this really mess with ones mind.
I hope you are well, Gwen. Thank you for all the advice and support. Everybody here has given me such great support, and I am truly greatful.Sincerely,
Anthony
Posted by gwen on January 26, 2001, at 21:58:58
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock » gwen, posted by Ant-Rock on January 26, 2001, at 8:27:42
Anthony,
I don't want to stir up any more bad feelings. Your situation is very close to mine, and has reminded me of a lot of things and brought up a lot of feelings. My exhusband and I went through a lot over the years. I thought we would always be together because we'd survived so many ordeals.
Unfortunately, during all this, another large bad thing happened to me that overshadowed the breakup of the marriage. It may have initially spared me from some of the anguish you are going through now. Or maybe I have forgotten some of it -- a blessing in itself. After the other bad thing settled down some, I did have to go back and deal with the divorce. It hit me in small increments. I'm still angry at times, but most of it is gone. It doesn't do me any good to be angry.
My friends were great during this time. I busied myself with them and their company. They were married, too, and it was interesting to talk out feelings and hear different perspectives from male and female sides.
One thing my pdoc pounded into my head was the need for finding ways to be good to myself. I'd buy flowers for no reason just because I needed them. (I overruled the usual practical tape loop in my head.) I didn't go overboard spending money, but I did do more things for myself. I didn't drive myself so hard. If I didn't feel like doing something, I tried to do something that felt good.
This is probably too early for you to think about, and your living situation is different from mine, but something else that made me feel better was wiping out remnants of him -- changing things about where I lived so that it would not remind me so much of him. The first thing I did was change the locks on the doors. I found a new route to drive to work. I got new dishes because our old ones were a gift from his mom. I was left with the house and all of the reminders. I changed colors on the walls. I changed the things on the walls. I moved furniture. This process has taken a couple of years. I have just now finished changes in the yard.
I used to hate weekends because I didn't know what I'd do with all of that time. Now I can't wait for them. Holidays still are hard. I need to begin new traditions.
My friendships have changed over time. My married friends have faded some. My single friends have come to the fore and I have found new ones -- I suppose because I identify more with them now.
I don't go to the places where we went (restaurants, shopping malls, etc.) because they bring back memories. Instead, I have found new places that I like. And I have become accustomed to traveling alone. It took awhile, but I really enjoy it now.
Rituals can help bring closure also. I can explain more some time, if you want.
In retrospect, I have to say this breakup is not the worst thing that has happened to me. It may sound selfish, but once the sadness and loneliness dissipates, there is a freedom and joy in realizing that you can do whatever you want, wherever and whenever you want -- without having to bend or compromise. It has been a novel feeling for me. I have finally learned to live with myself. I may not want to live like this forever, but for now it is liberating and feels good. And I have come to believe that it is essential before I ever become involved in another relationship.
Take care.
Gwen
Posted by Ant-Rock on January 31, 2001, at 15:35:43
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock, posted by gwen on January 26, 2001, at 21:58:58
> Anthony,
>
> I don't want to stir up any more bad feelings. Your situation is very close to mine, and has reminded me of a lot of things and brought up a lot of feelings. My exhusband and I went through a lot over the years. I thought we would always be together because we'd survived so many ordeals.
>
> Unfortunately, during all this, another large bad thing happened to me that overshadowed the breakup of the marriage. It may have initially spared me from some of the anguish you are going through now. Or maybe I have forgotten some of it -- a blessing in itself. After the other bad thing settled down some, I did have to go back and deal with the divorce. It hit me in small increments. I'm still angry at times, but most of it is gone. It doesn't do me any good to be angry.
>
> My friends were great during this time. I busied myself with them and their company. They were married, too, and it was interesting to talk out feelings and hear different perspectives from male and female sides.
>
> One thing my pdoc pounded into my head was the need for finding ways to be good to myself. I'd buy flowers for no reason just because I needed them. (I overruled the usual practical tape loop in my head.) I didn't go overboard spending money, but I did do more things for myself. I didn't drive myself so hard. If I didn't feel like doing something, I tried to do something that felt good.
>
> This is probably too early for you to think about, and your living situation is different from mine, but something else that made me feel better was wiping out remnants of him -- changing things about where I lived so that it would not remind me so much of him. The first thing I did was change the locks on the doors. I found a new route to drive to work. I got new dishes because our old ones were a gift from his mom. I was left with the house and all of the reminders. I changed colors on the walls. I changed the things on the walls. I moved furniture. This process has taken a couple of years. I have just now finished changes in the yard.
>
> I used to hate weekends because I didn't know what I'd do with all of that time. Now I can't wait for them. Holidays still are hard. I need to begin new traditions.
>
> My friendships have changed over time. My married friends have faded some. My single friends have come to the fore and I have found new ones -- I suppose because I identify more with them now.
>
> I don't go to the places where we went (restaurants, shopping malls, etc.) because they bring back memories. Instead, I have found new places that I like. And I have become accustomed to traveling alone. It took awhile, but I really enjoy it now.
>
> Rituals can help bring closure also. I can explain more some time, if you want.
>
> In retrospect, I have to say this breakup is not the worst thing that has happened to me. It may sound selfish, but once the sadness and loneliness dissipates, there is a freedom and joy in realizing that you can do whatever you want, wherever and whenever you want -- without having to bend or compromise. It has been a novel feeling for me. I have finally learned to live with myself. I may not want to live like this forever, but for now it is liberating and feels good. And I have come to believe that it is essential before I ever become involved in another relationship.
>
> Take care.
>
> GwenGwen,
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I am sorry if bad memories were stirred up. I am still on an emotional roller coaster, feel really good for half a day, lousy the next half. The toughest pill to swallow is the fact that she basically is showing me she has no regard for my welfare. After 10 years , all she cares about is her life, and I guess her true colors are showing. Totally cruel and heartless.
I have a gut feeling that she became friendly with someone at work, and decided she wanted a new wardrobe regardless of who it hurt or what people think of her. I have no proof, but I am working on that for legal reasons.
How someone could live with themself is beyond me.
I really thought I knew her. Feel double-crossed and bewildered.
So much for knowing someone.
Am feeling comfort in the fact that we didn't have children, and that is certainly a plus.
Hope I learn something from all this, trusting again will certainly be difficult.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Posted by gwen on January 31, 2001, at 20:18:00
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock » gwen, posted by Ant-Rock on January 31, 2001, at 15:35:43
Why SHOULD you trust anyone? You've just been terribly wounded. It's a very common response for those of us who have been left.
Trust!!! Arrrrggh! I was fairly badly neglected as a child, so this is an issue for me. Of anyone in the world, I thought I could trust my husband. For a long time after the breakup I was absolutely positive that I wouldn't ever trust anyone ever again and that I'd never get into another relationship. I'm still not sure I'll be able to allow someone to get so close to me that I'll have to trust them that much, but I'm not ruling it out anymore. I have found over time that to live in this world, you have to trust to some extent. And I have come to see that not everyone is my ex-husband. I've also decided that I'm not going to make his mistake and jump into another relationship right away. If it happens it will be because it's right. If it doesn't, I'm OK living with myself now.
I had a friend who was left who got into a relationship with another who'd also been left. That seemed to help.
Posted by Ant-Rock on February 7, 2001, at 22:01:07
In reply to Ant-Rock, posted by gwen on January 26, 2001, at 6:46:05
Extremely difficult times. The grieving, up and down rollercoaster, constantly on my mind. Wondering if an anti-anxiety med would help. Dreaming about the past, marriage, happy times etc. Wake up from these dreams with mind racing. Very depressed. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about life without her. Even after the cruel way she has cut me out of her life, treated me so horribly cold since the separation you think i would be able to get angry and use the anger to move on, but the hurt and self blame is preventing this.
Would not wish this on anybody. Having doubts I can make it through this living nightmare.
Posted by gwen on February 8, 2001, at 19:42:52
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock... Bad times, posted by Ant-Rock on February 7, 2001, at 22:01:07
It IS a living nightmare, but you can get through this. (Real easy for me to say, right?)
Drugs: My pdoc gave me Ativan for a short while because I was prone to aimlessly roaming the house while sobbing. It helped a lot -- the Ativan, I mean. I'd take one at night at the first sign of sobbing and go to bed. I was also taking Remeron, which helped me sleep. Regular sleep is so important when I'm stressed (would that I'd follow my own advice!).
Sometimes if I was feeling bad, I'd call up a friend and just listen to them talk. It was such a break to hear someone else tell me about their problems and just plain stuff. It helped me get out of me, and it was a good distraction.
Other times I'd write letters to distant friends. The payoff was not immediate, but when a friend wrote back it was always a pleasant and unexpected surprise in the mail -- gosh, someone wrote ME a letter! It wasn't a bill and it wasn't mail sent to my stupid husband! I also emailed a lot.
Are you talking to a therapist? That helped me, too.
Are you doing things for yourself -- pampering yourself when you can? You're worth it, ya know. Lately, I've gotten into drawing mandalas (not the religious kind). It's very relaxing. I can choose either to let my mind drift, or I can work problems out in my head. Usually I do it to relieve stress.
What about pets? Do you have a pet? Can you have one where you live now? It helps me to have a living being to come home to and to take care of and talk to. Mine know when things aren't right or when I'm feeling badly... and then they sit on me whether I want them to or not. Even my fish are happy to see me. (OK, I'll admit it's just because they see me as their personal chef, but I like to think they're glad to see me!)
Please take good care of yourself, Anthony. It's the least you can do for yourself and you certainly deserve it!
Best wishes,
Gwen
Posted by Ant-Rock on February 9, 2001, at 12:53:28
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock... Bad times, posted by gwen on February 8, 2001, at 19:42:52
> It IS a living nightmare, but you can get through this. (Real easy for me to say, right?)
>
> Drugs: My pdoc gave me Ativan for a short while because I was prone to aimlessly roaming the house while sobbing. It helped a lot -- the Ativan, I mean. I'd take one at night at the first sign of sobbing and go to bed. I was also taking Remeron, which helped me sleep. Regular sleep is so important when I'm stressed (would that I'd follow my own advice!).
>
> Sometimes if I was feeling bad, I'd call up a friend and just listen to them talk. It was such a break to hear someone else tell me about their problems and just plain stuff. It helped me get out of me, and it was a good distraction.
>
> Other times I'd write letters to distant friends. The payoff was not immediate, but when a friend wrote back it was always a pleasant and unexpected surprise in the mail -- gosh, someone wrote ME a letter! It wasn't a bill and it wasn't mail sent to my stupid husband! I also emailed a lot.
>
> Are you talking to a therapist? That helped me, too.
>
> Are you doing things for yourself -- pampering yourself when you can? You're worth it, ya know. Lately, I've gotten into drawing mandalas (not the religious kind). It's very relaxing. I can choose either to let my mind drift, or I can work problems out in my head. Usually I do it to relieve stress.
>
> What about pets? Do you have a pet? Can you have one where you live now? It helps me to have a living being to come home to and to take care of and talk to. Mine know when things aren't right or when I'm feeling badly... and then they sit on me whether I want them to or not. Even my fish are happy to see me. (OK, I'll admit it's just because they see me as their personal chef, but I like to think they're glad to see me!)
>
> Please take good care of yourself, Anthony. It's the least you can do for yourself and you certainly deserve it!
>
> Best wishes,
> GwenI'm trying to do things for myself, but the pain is always there to destroy my best efforts. To make matters worse, I checked out that web-site that was suggested, "depressionfallout.com" and sure enough it described almost exactly the stages my wife most certainly went through that led to her decision. Feeling helpless she couldn't shake me out of it. Silent resentment. Ending up seeing me/depression as one in the same. The sexual isolation grew, bitterness, etc.
It's absolutely killing me that I've lost my wife because of an illness. I'm sorry if I'm whining, but this is tearing me apart. I had a first visit with a cog-behav therapist the other day. Maybe some good will come out of it. He wants to deal with my underlying problems instead of the current crisis, but I don't know if thats such a good thing. I just can't get myself to let go of some hope for reconciliation, even though it's obvious she doesn't want this.
Thank you for listening, means a lot.
Posted by gwen on February 9, 2001, at 19:49:48
In reply to Re: Ant-Rock... Bad times » gwen, posted by Ant-Rock on February 9, 2001, at 12:53:28
Anthony,
> > It's absolutely killing me that I've lost my wife because of an illness.< <
I hear you. I'm sorry. This might be impossible, but maybe try not to think of it that way? There might be more than one reason, but she's articulating just this particular one right now. In any case, it's not your fault.
> >I'm sorry if I'm whining, but this is tearing me apart.
You're not whining. You are in a lot of pain.
> >I had a first visit with a cog-behav therapist the other day. Maybe some good will come out of it.< <
Good luck. I hope he helps bring some peace to you. How often will you see him?> >I just can't get myself to let go of some hope for reconciliation, even though it's obvious she doesn't want this.< <
You can let go of it in your own timeframe when it feels all right to you to do so.
Here you're full of pain and anguish and I'm just full of advice. I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep telling you what to do.
Wishing you peace.
Gwen
Posted by Noa on March 10, 2001, at 12:55:10
In reply to Bad times, posted by gwen on February 9, 2001, at 19:49:48
Antrock, I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. What kinds of support do you have?
Posted by Ant-Rock on March 12, 2001, at 17:13:52
In reply to Re: Bad times, posted by Noa on March 10, 2001, at 12:55:10
> Antrock, I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. What kinds of support do you have?
Thank you Noa. I am living with my parents, who are trying their best to help me, but they are suffering due to my pain, which kind of makes me feel guilty, but they have been great.
I really screwed up by leaving our house, I certainly shoudln't be the one starting over, but I never even conceived the thought that my wife would serve me papers. Guess I'm real naive about how cruel people can be.
I've been seeing a cognitive be-therapist once a week, and he has me reading a book "Mind Over Mood", which sounds like a lame "think positive" cliche, but in fact makes a lot of sense and I would highly reccomend it. The problem is, I'm so messed-up, and still in so much pain that it may be too soon for me to benefit from it.
Another problem is that all my friends are married, so I really have no one to go out and hang with to get my mind off things when I am feeling up to it. Weekends are by far the worst time for me. The pain can be so intense it's scary. I take adderal almost every day, and it not only gives me relief from my fatigue, but actually helps with the depression. Anyway, thank you so much Noa for your concern, every little bit helps these days.
I hope things are well with you, you have helped many on these boards and you should be proud.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Posted by Noa on March 13, 2001, at 12:20:55
In reply to Re: Bad times » Noa, posted by Ant-Rock on March 12, 2001, at 17:13:52
The cognitive approach isn't so lame--it can work. And, true, what you get out of it right now might be a bit limited, but you will get something out of it and that is a start.
Are there any support groups in your area for dealing with loss?
Good for your parents for helping. this is exactly the kind of event in a person's life where family support is the right thing to do, ya know?
You won't be there in their house forever, but you did need the help now, and to not be alone is probably good, don't you think?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.