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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
OK, here's the sitch:
I moved to Silicon Valley. I got a job. It was the dream job for me: administering a non-profit computer training center. Basically, the same things I did in the cowtown of old.
So, why am I quitting? Let's see: I've let them walk all over me. My first paycheck was four weeks late, and no one seems to care. I know that the problems really aren't my problems. I know that I nagged for more than four weeks to get paid. I know that I called and emailed the person I had to go through daily for two of those weeks, with no response whatsoever. I know that NOTHING was done, despite my nagging. I know that when the check was finally made out, by someone else all together, spur of hte moment, because I had finally called EVERYONE on the board of directors until some one got a check written, and that person told me that I SHOULD have gone to so and so to get the check, Well, I know that that's not something which happened because *I'M* so screwed up.
In the last six weeks, I have been insulted, disregarded, micromanaged -- without receiving any support at all -- and blindsided in front of outsiders so that I feel like an idiot.
So, why do I feel like a failure? Despite the drugs, I'm getting depressed about this. I feel like a fat, sloppy, useless, lumpy, idiotic, worthless lump of flesh.
What now? Anyone have anything to offer? (Beyond what I already know: I may be allowing it to happen, but I certainly don't have the power to make them as truly screwy as they are! I guess what I want is to find out if anyone has any idea what causes this cycle of self-defeating thinking, and how to break out of the rut.)
Oh, and anyone have a job to offer me? I'd prefer one where the paychecks came in when they're supposed to. I dunno, I'm just a little anal-retentive that way...
(PS: does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen in it?)
Posted by noa on September 25, 2000, at 8:47:13
In reply to Screaming misery and frustration, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
Racer, you sound like you are at the crossroads of Angry Street and Depressed Avenue and aren't sure which way to go. Well, veer right onto angry street, girl!!!
You know how you want to be treated and it isn't how they are treating you and it is normal in the beginning to give them the benefit of the doubt for a little while, but now you realize they have taken more benefit and given you more doubt, so it is time to get angry and tell yourself you deserve to be treated better.
Stop blaming yourself for "letting them treat you this way", etc. You aren't letting them. You kind of hung in there for a bit to see if it was SOP or not, and now enough time has gone by to see that it is more SOP than just some random glitches. So, now you are ready to make a judgment about the situation.
And I would be really pissed off, if I had moved and all for a new job that turned out to be so disappointing. But it is NOT a sign of failure in you, it is the failure of the job to be what you expected, which is hard to know before you get in there and live it, and you are dependent upon the info they gave you to get you to join their company!
Please, don't blame yourself.
Posted by Kath on September 25, 2000, at 8:59:50
In reply to Screaming misery and frustration, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
Hi Racer - What a terrible thing to go through!!! I think you've done very well to realize that the things that have been happening are nothing to do with YOU, but have to do with others. I'm amazed that so many "disfunctional" people can work in one organization!! (you're not included in the "dis.........." people!!) Maybe each person starts out a certain way & allows him/herself to shift towards behaving like the others, ending up in most people behaving in a very unprofessional, uncaring, unthinking, unloving way.
I find it's pretty hard to stop the negative "tapes" that play in my head under the best of circumstances; to stop them under the circumstances you've described would feel to me like facing climbing a huge mountain (& I'm not a mountain climber).
Don't be hard on yourself for being affected by such horrible treatment. NOBODY deserves to be treated like that (even if they're getting paid ON TIME to put up with it, to say nothing of NOT getting paid on time).
I have found Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) extremely helpful for me in slowing down those negative tapes. I have never felt so accepted, cared about & loved as I have felt at my CoDA meetings. If you're interested & have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them.
Good luck in deciding what to do NOW. You'll be in my thoughts.
Kath
> OK, here's the sitch:
>
> I moved to Silicon Valley. I got a job. It was the dream job for me: administering a non-profit computer training center. Basically, the same things I did in the cowtown of old.
>
> So, why am I quitting? Let's see: I've let them walk all over me. My first paycheck was four weeks late, and no one seems to care. I know that the problems really aren't my problems. I know that I nagged for more than four weeks to get paid. I know that I called and emailed the person I had to go through daily for two of those weeks, with no response whatsoever. I know that NOTHING was done, despite my nagging. I know that when the check was finally made out, by someone else all together, spur of hte moment, because I had finally called EVERYONE on the board of directors until some one got a check written, and that person told me that I SHOULD have gone to so and so to get the check, Well, I know that that's not something which happened because *I'M* so screwed up.
>
> In the last six weeks, I have been insulted, disregarded, micromanaged -- without receiving any support at all -- and blindsided in front of outsiders so that I feel like an idiot.
>
> So, why do I feel like a failure? Despite the drugs, I'm getting depressed about this. I feel like a fat, sloppy, useless, lumpy, idiotic, worthless lump of flesh.
>
> What now? Anyone have anything to offer? (Beyond what I already know: I may be allowing it to happen, but I certainly don't have the power to make them as truly screwy as they are! I guess what I want is to find out if anyone has any idea what causes this cycle of self-defeating thinking, and how to break out of the rut.)
>
> Oh, and anyone have a job to offer me? I'd prefer one where the paychecks came in when they're supposed to. I dunno, I'm just a little anal-retentive that way...
>
>
> (PS: does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen in it?)
Posted by shar on September 25, 2000, at 21:37:46
In reply to Screaming misery and frustration, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
Well, Racer, DAMN them for being such back-stabbing obviously threatened, uncivilized a-holes to you! And, SCREW them for embarrassing you even for one second.You get down here to Austin. This is high tech land (they call it Silicon Hills, which I hate because I love Austin so). Also, State capitol, also U of Tx here. You will have no problem getting a job.
Nobody has the right to treat you that way, ever, and I get PISSED OFF just thinking about it. You deserve billions times better than that. It is ironic but non-profits (some) can be really screwed up places in my experience.
Well, I'm just mad all over about their treatment of you and I hope to hell you won't take one iota of it personally, because you are head and shoulders above them when it comes to poise and grace and equanimity.
I can hook you up to a tech women's BB here in Austin if you are interested. And feeling like a "failure" is not unusual, but also not true. It is very rejecting, what happened, and I think the best thing is to try to get some distance on it (like, what if a friend of yours had written that post?). They don't even know you, so it can't be personal!
Love yourself, ignore the bozoheads.
Shar
> OK, here's the sitch:
>
> I moved to Silicon Valley. I got a job. It was the dream job for me: administering a non-profit computer training center. Basically, the same things I did in the cowtown of old.
>
> So, why am I quitting? Let's see: I've let them walk all over me. My first paycheck was four weeks late, and no one seems to care. I know that the problems really aren't my problems. I know that I nagged for more than four weeks to get paid. I know that I called and emailed the person I had to go through daily for two of those weeks, with no response whatsoever. I know that NOTHING was done, despite my nagging. I know that when the check was finally made out, by someone else all together, spur of hte moment, because I had finally called EVERYONE on the board of directors until some one got a check written, and that person told me that I SHOULD have gone to so and so to get the check, Well, I know that that's not something which happened because *I'M* so screwed up.
>
> In the last six weeks, I have been insulted, disregarded, micromanaged -- without receiving any support at all -- and blindsided in front of outsiders so that I feel like an idiot.
>
> So, why do I feel like a failure? Despite the drugs, I'm getting depressed about this. I feel like a fat, sloppy, useless, lumpy, idiotic, worthless lump of flesh.
>
> What now? Anyone have anything to offer? (Beyond what I already know: I may be allowing it to happen, but I certainly don't have the power to make them as truly screwy as they are! I guess what I want is to find out if anyone has any idea what causes this cycle of self-defeating thinking, and how to break out of the rut.)
>
> Oh, and anyone have a job to offer me? I'd prefer one where the paychecks came in when they're supposed to. I dunno, I'm just a little anal-retentive that way...
>
>
> (PS: does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen in it?)
Posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 23:25:27
In reply to Screaming misery and frustration, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
I figured it out, all by myself:
Yeah, they are truly idiotic. They made a mess of things. I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. You know why?
BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIX IT ALL FOR THEM!!!!!!
Now, as we all know, 'between the reality and the illusion/falls the shadow", so I still feel as though it's my fault, but at least I know that's because I thought I could walk in and fix things for them. So, realistically, I can say that a big sigh is in order, and then moving on.
So, now all I have to do is remind myself that if I could really fix everything, I'd have to be pope or president or chair of the UN or something unpleasant, and it's much better to be an average employed person than perfect. After all, I really don't want to have to seduce interns or anything, so the presidency really isn't so enticing...
Besides, I'm nice, I cook well (even my mother, who buries acorns in the back yard for the winter, says so), and I can be funny. People might actually like me even if I'm not perfect in every way.
Hell, even Mary Poppins was only *PRACTICALLY* perfect in every way...
Now, any advice on how to remember these pearls of wisdom next time?
Posted by ksvt on September 26, 2000, at 7:13:57
In reply to Epiphany! I know why I feel this way!, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 23:25:27
> I figured it out, all by myself:
>
> Yeah, they are truly idiotic. They made a mess of things. I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. You know why?
>
> BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIX IT ALL FOR THEM!!!!!!
>
> Now, as we all know, 'between the reality and the illusion/falls the shadow", so I still feel as though it's my fault, but at least I know that's because I thought I could walk in and fix things for them. So, realistically, I can say that a big sigh is in order, and then moving on.
>
> So, now all I have to do is remind myself that if I could really fix everything, I'd have to be pope or president or chair of the UN or something unpleasant, and it's much better to be an average employed person than perfect. After all, I really don't want to have to seduce interns or anything, so the presidency really isn't so enticing...
>
> Besides, I'm nice, I cook well (even my mother, who buries acorns in the back yard for the winter, says so), and I can be funny. People might actually like me even if I'm not perfect in every way.
>
> Hell, even Mary Poppins was only *PRACTICALLY* perfect in every way...
>
> Now, any advice on how to remember these pearls of wisdom next time?Congrats for analyzing this so well. I don't have alot of advice, since I seem to get on the "I need to be perfect track" without even realizing it. I can tell you that I'm very impressed with the way that you 1) advocated for yourself, and 2) had the guts to get out when you realized that your best advocacy wasn't getting you anywhere. These folks were idiots. If you had stayed in that situation you would have probably felt bad about putting up with something you shouldn't, so in my book, you did everything right. Maybe the next time you feel so bad about yourself, you can look back on this experience as one where you did not allow a bad experience be your fault and it will help you remember that doing that is not where you want to go. Good luck. ksvt
Posted by Greg on September 26, 2000, at 10:02:40
In reply to Screaming misery and frustration, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 4:29:12
Racer,
The company you work for is not representative of all the companies in the Silicon Valley. I've been working in SV for nearly 20 years and all my employers here have been great. Especially the one I'm working for now. They treat me with respect, pay me well and give me great benefits. Most importantly, they respect me. I think your company may be the exception rather than the rule.
I think it sucks big time that you have been treated in this manner. No one deserves that. Unfortunetly, companies like yours exist everywhere. You should really move on ASAP. My company is always looking for good people. If you'd like, e-mail me at the address above with the type of work you do and I'd be glad to see if there is anything available here. No guarantees, but I'd be glad to check into it for you. Always glad to help a fellow Babbler.
Greg
> OK, here's the sitch:
>
> I moved to Silicon Valley. I got a job. It was the dream job for me: administering a non-profit computer training center. Basically, the same things I did in the cowtown of old.
>
> So, why am I quitting? Let's see: I've let them walk all over me. My first paycheck was four weeks late, and no one seems to care. I know that the problems really aren't my problems. I know that I nagged for more than four weeks to get paid. I know that I called and emailed the person I had to go through daily for two of those weeks, with no response whatsoever. I know that NOTHING was done, despite my nagging. I know that when the check was finally made out, by someone else all together, spur of hte moment, because I had finally called EVERYONE on the board of directors until some one got a check written, and that person told me that I SHOULD have gone to so and so to get the check, Well, I know that that's not something which happened because *I'M* so screwed up.
>
> In the last six weeks, I have been insulted, disregarded, micromanaged -- without receiving any support at all -- and blindsided in front of outsiders so that I feel like an idiot.
>
> So, why do I feel like a failure? Despite the drugs, I'm getting depressed about this. I feel like a fat, sloppy, useless, lumpy, idiotic, worthless lump of flesh.
>
> What now? Anyone have anything to offer? (Beyond what I already know: I may be allowing it to happen, but I certainly don't have the power to make them as truly screwy as they are! I guess what I want is to find out if anyone has any idea what causes this cycle of self-defeating thinking, and how to break out of the rut.)
>
> Oh, and anyone have a job to offer me? I'd prefer one where the paychecks came in when they're supposed to. I dunno, I'm just a little anal-retentive that way...
>
>
> (PS: does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen in it?)
Posted by shar on September 26, 2000, at 12:49:51
In reply to They don't deserve you., posted by shar on September 25, 2000, at 21:37:46
Hi, Racer.
As you can tell by my previous post I'm sort of in anger mode these days--better than suicidal, so says my counselor.Anyhow, congrats on your epiphany, next time I bet you won't have as hard a time recognizing what's happening. Your "I-have-to-fix-it detector" is starting to work. You will feel (as in your gut) something isn't right. That's the first step, then your gut feeling can lead you to "how come I feel this isn't right". And you will figure out what is happening.
It's interesting, we talked about this very issue (detectors, how we grow up without them (usually because of abuse or family dysfunction), and have to grow our own now) in my group last night.
Good luck. And I really strongly encourage you to contact Greg, he is an angel on earth (but don't tell him I said so). And my offer still stands too.
Shar
Posted by Racer on September 26, 2000, at 13:33:02
In reply to Re: Don't know if this helps, but.... » Racer, posted by Greg on September 26, 2000, at 10:02:40
Thank you, Greg. I've sent you an email listing all my perfections, and thanked you again for your generosity.
By the way, I feel better already! Honestly, I woke up this morning feeling more rested than I have in weeks! (I skipped my Prozac yesterday, which may have helped...)
Here's a funny thing: I gave notice yesterday. By the time I got up this morning, two people had contacted my SO to ask him for my resume, a recruiter who has ignored me for months emailed me an offer, Greg made this offer, and I've gotten an offer to do something I really want to do (unpaid, part time, but great for a portfolio...)
I think the universe really wanted me out of there!
Posted by Greg on September 26, 2000, at 18:07:01
In reply to Re: Don't know if this helps, but.... » Greg, posted by Racer on September 26, 2000, at 13:33:02
Racer,
I just e-mailed you with some info on my company's job openings. My cable service provider has been doing some upgrading to their system and my Internet and e-mail have been, shall we say, unreliable? If you don't recieve the e-mail soon, post and let me know and I'll re-send it from one of my other systems. I hope you see something you like and let me know if I can help in any way.
Greg
> Thank you, Greg. I've sent you an email listing all my perfections, and thanked you again for your generosity.
>
> By the way, I feel better already! Honestly, I woke up this morning feeling more rested than I have in weeks! (I skipped my Prozac yesterday, which may have helped...)
>
> Here's a funny thing: I gave notice yesterday. By the time I got up this morning, two people had contacted my SO to ask him for my resume, a recruiter who has ignored me for months emailed me an offer, Greg made this offer, and I've gotten an offer to do something I really want to do (unpaid, part time, but great for a portfolio...)
>
> I think the universe really wanted me out of there!
Posted by stjames on September 27, 2000, at 0:43:47
In reply to Epiphany! I know why I feel this way!, posted by Racer on September 25, 2000, at 23:25:27
> I figured it out, all by myself:
>
> Yeah, they are truly idiotic. They made a mess of things. I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. You know why?
>
> BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO FIX IT ALL FOR THEM!!!!!!
>
James here....I can relate. In another life I was a manager from a major retailer, responsible for million dollar invetories and millions is sale. I was there to fix everything and take the heat if it
was not right. I drove the folks at my next job after retail crazy 'cause wanted to fix everything. I have found that a good job description that both parties agree to helps me avoid trying to fix everything. At my present job
they asked me to manage and after discussing the job description I asked a few "what if's" to see
how much control I really had and it was clear they were still going to micro manage me so I declined to take the job.james
Posted by Kath on September 27, 2000, at 10:15:51
In reply to Re: Don't know if this helps, but.... » Greg, posted by Racer on September 26, 2000, at 13:33:02
Hi Racer,
What good things are happening as a result of you standing up for yourself. What great insight also in figuring out why you felt that way. Probably worth printing a copy of that post to look at if you ever need to in the future.
Take care, Kath
> Thank you, Greg. I've sent you an email listing all my perfections, and thanked you again for your generosity.
>
> By the way, I feel better already! Honestly, I woke up this morning feeling more rested than I have in weeks! (I skipped my Prozac yesterday, which may have helped...)
>
> Here's a funny thing: I gave notice yesterday. By the time I got up this morning, two people had contacted my SO to ask him for my resume, a recruiter who has ignored me for months emailed me an offer, Greg made this offer, and I've gotten an offer to do something I really want to do (unpaid, part time, but great for a portfolio...)
>
> I think the universe really wanted me out of there!
This is the end of the thread.
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