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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lexie on September 21, 2000, at 19:13:42
Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
Posted by Chris A. on September 21, 2000, at 22:36:19
In reply to Ups and Downs, posted by Lexie on September 21, 2000, at 19:13:42
How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help!
Dear Lexie,
I don't have any great answers - except that there is hope. Must admit that I've spent more of my life without it than with it (read my posts, perhaps three months ago).
Bipolar is nasty. My pDoc told me yesterday that it's my cross to bear. Ziprasidone is on the horizon in the U.S. - next month, he said. Just keep working on mood stabilization, taking care of yourself and flush your stash. Having a stash always made my depression worse. I viewed it as insurance, but it was always nagging me while I was in the pit. One night in June I used about half of it, felt guilty, so stopped ingesting it, and ended up in the hospital OD'd, not in the morgue.
At this point I'm glad I'm still here and am actually finding some enjoyment in life.
I wish you the best. Please hang in there because you are loved.Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by kellyR. on September 23, 2000, at 9:43:37
In reply to Ups and Downs, posted by Lexie on September 21, 2000, at 19:13:42
> Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
*************************************************
Lexie I know how you feel, I was just talking to my Dr. about the samething last week."Is this my life up & down like a rollacoster I told him that i wanted to die & I had a way of doing it,He didn't ask me how I was going to do it but what makes me not do it.I said the fear of my kids finding me & going to HELL.I think I scared him because he said is that the only things stopping you from killing yourself? I said yes.
He then reminded me of my all the times i failed at killing myself.
One of my attempts was when I took alote of pills to kill a horse,I was 18yrs old It was a month after i was raped by my bests friends young brother,I was drinking & taking drugs w/ my meds that i was on at the time.It was around christmas i wasn't talking to my best friend after what happen so all i did was go to school,went to my therpist & group 3x a week.I couldn't stand nancy my therpist she blamed me for being rapped that if i wasn't on drugges at the time that this might of never happen,That made up my mind about living or dying.So the next day i walked in the woods behind my granmothers house went in real far so noone would find me,I sat down & took all the pills I had. After taking them I wasn't scared of dying,It was snowing & very cold and getting dark,so I walked back home to my granmothers house went to my room and fell asleep. The next morning My granfather woke me up asking if I was going to school,I felt like a car was on me I told him that I didn't feel good to go to school.When he went to work I tried to get up but my body couldn't move not even my finger,I could hear people yelling in pain & helicoper like it was in my room,I was so scared that I made things worse & I coudn't move the people yelling was making me think that I have to kill myself so I don't have to live like this, But I couldn't move to do anything.After 2hrs of not moving I could move my fingers then my arm I could move again not good but got up & walked to the other room.I was so sick that I stayed in bed for 3 days,I told my granmother that I had the flu or something.Now I'm 31yrs old married 3 kids still have my ups & downs but not as down like when I was teenager.
kellyR.
Posted by chdurie2 on September 25, 2000, at 10:35:37
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs » Lexie, posted by kellyR. on September 23, 2000, at 9:43:37
> > Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
>
> *************************************************
> Lexie I know how you feel, I was just talking to my Dr. about the samething last week."Is this my life up & down like a rollacoster I told him that i wanted to die & I had a way of doing it,He didn't ask me how I was going to do it but what makes me not do it.I said the fear of my kids finding me & going to HELL.I think I scared him because he said is that the only things stopping you from killing yourself? I said yes.
> He then reminded me of my all the times i failed at killing myself.
> One of my attempts was when I took alote of pills to kill a horse,I was 18yrs old It was a month after i was raped by my bests friends young brother,I was drinking & taking drugs w/ my meds that i was on at the time.It was around christmas i wasn't talking to my best friend after what happen so all i did was go to school,went to my therpist & group 3x a week.I couldn't stand nancy my therpist she blamed me for being rapped that if i wasn't on drugges at the time that this might of never happen,That made up my mind about living or dying.So the next day i walked in the woods behind my granmothers house went in real far so noone would find me,I sat down & took all the pills I had. After taking them I wasn't scared of dying,It was snowing & very cold and getting dark,so I walked back home to my granmothers house went to my room and fell asleep. The next morning My granfather woke me up asking if I was going to school,I felt like a car was on me I told him that I didn't feel good to go to school.When he went to work I tried to get up but my body couldn't move not even my finger,I could hear people yelling in pain & helicoper like it was in my room,I was so scared that I made things worse & I coudn't move the people yelling was making me think that I have to kill myself so I don't have to live like this, But I couldn't move to do anything.After 2hrs of not moving I could move my fingers then my arm I could move again not good but got up & walked to the other room.I was so sick that I stayed in bed for 3 days,I told my granmother that I had the flu or something.Now I'm 31yrs old married 3 kids still have my ups & downs but not as down like when I was teenager.
> kellyR.kelly and lexie: not trying to be shrink, but have either of your shrinks mentioned the diagnosis borderline personality disorder profile to you? if not, you should ask them. apparently, it's pretty common for shrinks NOT to inform patients of this diagnosis because it is one of the few that can be truly hopeless, and they think it would just depress patient more to learn this. reason i mention this is the books cindy w recommended to me by marsha linehan (sp?) might help you both if you read the BPD profile and see yourselves. might be good idea to get pro-active with your shrinks after at least skimming the book and the workbook. books aren't cheap, and are really meant for therapists, but she's come up with the first workable treatment protocol for bpd. i was just furious with my shrink for not telling me about his bpd diagnosis of me, especially when i suspected it myself and long time ago, had mentioned it to him. although the books are meant for therapists, if you can cut through the jargon and density, there's a lot of really good stuff there. reading/skimming them was really a turning point for me. she has a bunch of really good analyses for really profound hopelessness-exactly what it may and may not mean-and focuses on specific exercises and thought patterns you or both you and your therapist can work on to help dig you out. hope this helps. caroline
Posted by kellyR. on September 26, 2000, at 17:01:02
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs..lexieand kellyr » kellyR., posted by chdurie2 on September 25, 2000, at 10:35:37
> > > Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
> >
> > *************************************************
> > Lexie I know how you feel, I was just talking to my Dr. about the samething last week."Is this my life up & down like a rollacoster I told him that i wanted to die & I had a way of doing it,He didn't ask me how I was going to do it but what makes me not do it.I said the fear of my kids finding me & going to HELL.I think I scared him because he said is that the only things stopping you from killing yourself? I said yes.
> > He then reminded me of my all the times i failed at killing myself.
> > One of my attempts was when I took alote of pills to kill a horse,I was 18yrs old It was a month after i was raped by my bests friends young brother,I was drinking & taking drugs w/ my meds that i was on at the time.It was around christmas i wasn't talking to my best friend after what happen so all i did was go to school,went to my therpist & group 3x a week.I couldn't stand nancy my therpist she blamed me for being rapped that if i wasn't on drugges at the time that this might of never happen,That made up my mind about living or dying.So the next day i walked in the woods behind my granmothers house went in real far so noone would find me,I sat down & took all the pills I had. After taking them I wasn't scared of dying,It was snowing & very cold and getting dark,so I walked back home to my granmothers house went to my room and fell asleep. The next morning My granfather woke me up asking if I was going to school,I felt like a car was on me I told him that I didn't feel good to go to school.When he went to work I tried to get up but my body couldn't move not even my finger,I could hear people yelling in pain & helicoper like it was in my room,I was so scared that I made things worse & I coudn't move the people yelling was making me think that I have to kill myself so I don't have to live like this, But I couldn't move to do anything.After 2hrs of not moving I could move my fingers then my arm I could move again not good but got up & walked to the other room.I was so sick that I stayed in bed for 3 days,I told my granmother that I had the flu or something.Now I'm 31yrs old married 3 kids still have my ups & downs but not as down like when I was teenager.
> > kellyR.
>
> kelly and lexie: not trying to be shrink, but have either of your shrinks mentioned the diagnosis borderline personality disorder profile to you? if not, you should ask them. apparently, it's pretty common for shrinks NOT to inform patients of this diagnosis because it is one of the few that can be truly hopeless, and they think it would just depress patient more to learn this. reason i mention this is the books cindy w recommended to me by marsha linehan (sp?) might help you both if you read the BPD profile and see yourselves. might be good idea to get pro-active with your shrinks after at least skimming the book and the workbook. books aren't cheap, and are really meant for therapists, but she's come up with the first workable treatment protocol for bpd. i was just furious with my shrink for not telling me about his bpd diagnosis of me, especially when i suspected it myself and long time ago, had mentioned it to him. although the books are meant for therapists, if you can cut through the jargon and density, there's a lot of really good stuff there. reading/skimming them was really a turning point for me. she has a bunch of really good analyses for really profound hopelessness-exactly what it may and may not mean-and focuses on specific exercises and thought patterns you or both you and your therapist can work on to help dig you out. hope this helps. caroline
caroline,Back in 94' I had 2 DR's that said that I had BPD.But my DR's now don't think that I have BPD.So how knows each Dr. tells me something different. kellyR.
Posted by Lexie on September 26, 2000, at 18:58:49
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs.. » chdurie2, posted by kellyR. on September 26, 2000, at 17:01:02
Thank you Chris for the support. I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking in all the wrong places I haven't had a drink in 3 months until tonight. I am caught up in a cycle I just can't stop. I am not sure it is going to ever end. Lexie
Posted by Noa on September 27, 2000, at 11:30:31
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs, posted by Chris A. on September 21, 2000, at 22:36:19
Lexie, what kind of treatment are you getting now?
Posted by Lexie on September 27, 2000, at 17:25:10
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs, posted by Noa on September 27, 2000, at 11:30:31
> Lexie, what kind of treatment are you getting now?
I am taking Topamax 300 mgs for Bipolar 2 and I just got back from my doctor he just added Zyprexa 2.5 and I can increase to 5 mgs. a day if needed. Also, I have seen a therapist about 5 times so far. I think I just need to be stabilized. I just can't seem to hang in there long enough without wanting to give up. I will give the Zyprexa combo a try. Although I am not to hopeful. This is not a medication board so enough about that. Thanks for asking about me. Lexie
Posted by Chris A. on September 27, 2000, at 23:28:03
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs, posted by Lexie on September 27, 2000, at 17:25:10
Dear Lexie,
Zyprexa sounds like a good choice. I know a couple of people in real life who say it gave them their lives back. Expect some sedation at first.Blessings,
Chris A.
Posted by noa on September 28, 2000, at 16:06:52
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs, posted by Lexie on September 27, 2000, at 17:25:10
Keep us posted. I hope you can hang in there. I'm rooting for you, to find the med combo that will work, which can get you that stability, and then you will feel more hopeful, and find therapy more helpful, probably.
If needed, consider hospitalization until you are stabilized. It can sometimes take a while to find the right med combo and if you don't feel strong enough to hang in there until you do, the hospital, or perhaps day treatment, can help you feel safer until the meds start to work.
This is the end of the thread.
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