Posted by kellyR. on September 23, 2000, at 9:43:37
In reply to Ups and Downs, posted by Lexie on September 21, 2000, at 19:13:42
> Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
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Lexie I know how you feel, I was just talking to my Dr. about the samething last week."Is this my life up & down like a rollacoster I told him that i wanted to die & I had a way of doing it,He didn't ask me how I was going to do it but what makes me not do it.I said the fear of my kids finding me & going to HELL.I think I scared him because he said is that the only things stopping you from killing yourself? I said yes.
He then reminded me of my all the times i failed at killing myself.
One of my attempts was when I took alote of pills to kill a horse,I was 18yrs old It was a month after i was raped by my bests friends young brother,I was drinking & taking drugs w/ my meds that i was on at the time.It was around christmas i wasn't talking to my best friend after what happen so all i did was go to school,went to my therpist & group 3x a week.I couldn't stand nancy my therpist she blamed me for being rapped that if i wasn't on drugges at the time that this might of never happen,That made up my mind about living or dying.So the next day i walked in the woods behind my granmothers house went in real far so noone would find me,I sat down & took all the pills I had. After taking them I wasn't scared of dying,It was snowing & very cold and getting dark,so I walked back home to my granmothers house went to my room and fell asleep. The next morning My granfather woke me up asking if I was going to school,I felt like a car was on me I told him that I didn't feel good to go to school.When he went to work I tried to get up but my body couldn't move not even my finger,I could hear people yelling in pain & helicoper like it was in my room,I was so scared that I made things worse & I coudn't move the people yelling was making me think that I have to kill myself so I don't have to live like this, But I couldn't move to do anything.After 2hrs of not moving I could move my fingers then my arm I could move again not good but got up & walked to the other room.I was so sick that I stayed in bed for 3 days,I told my granmother that I had the flu or something.Now I'm 31yrs old married 3 kids still have my ups & downs but not as down like when I was teenager.
kellyR.
poster:kellyR.
thread:605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/637.html