Posted by kellyR. on September 26, 2000, at 17:01:02
In reply to Re: Ups and Downs..lexieand kellyr » kellyR., posted by chdurie2 on September 25, 2000, at 10:35:37
> > > Looks like it's down again. I just don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless again. I told my therapist I didn't think I would be around in 5 years and that is exactly how I feel. I have some pills that I know for sure I could OD on but I just can't bring myself to throw them away, although I did make a promise today that I would. It is so much easier said than done. It is kinda like a "safey net". I don't know that I would ever act on it, I just know that they are there. But I did make a promise that I would throw them away, but then again I didn't say when. I wish I could just learn not to feel up or down just MIDDLE. Do any of you know what I mean? How do you learn to stay in the middle when you suffer from bipolar? Any suggestions? Help! JAMES Are you out there? Lexie
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> > Lexie I know how you feel, I was just talking to my Dr. about the samething last week."Is this my life up & down like a rollacoster I told him that i wanted to die & I had a way of doing it,He didn't ask me how I was going to do it but what makes me not do it.I said the fear of my kids finding me & going to HELL.I think I scared him because he said is that the only things stopping you from killing yourself? I said yes.
> > He then reminded me of my all the times i failed at killing myself.
> > One of my attempts was when I took alote of pills to kill a horse,I was 18yrs old It was a month after i was raped by my bests friends young brother,I was drinking & taking drugs w/ my meds that i was on at the time.It was around christmas i wasn't talking to my best friend after what happen so all i did was go to school,went to my therpist & group 3x a week.I couldn't stand nancy my therpist she blamed me for being rapped that if i wasn't on drugges at the time that this might of never happen,That made up my mind about living or dying.So the next day i walked in the woods behind my granmothers house went in real far so noone would find me,I sat down & took all the pills I had. After taking them I wasn't scared of dying,It was snowing & very cold and getting dark,so I walked back home to my granmothers house went to my room and fell asleep. The next morning My granfather woke me up asking if I was going to school,I felt like a car was on me I told him that I didn't feel good to go to school.When he went to work I tried to get up but my body couldn't move not even my finger,I could hear people yelling in pain & helicoper like it was in my room,I was so scared that I made things worse & I coudn't move the people yelling was making me think that I have to kill myself so I don't have to live like this, But I couldn't move to do anything.After 2hrs of not moving I could move my fingers then my arm I could move again not good but got up & walked to the other room.I was so sick that I stayed in bed for 3 days,I told my granmother that I had the flu or something.Now I'm 31yrs old married 3 kids still have my ups & downs but not as down like when I was teenager.
> > kellyR.
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> kelly and lexie: not trying to be shrink, but have either of your shrinks mentioned the diagnosis borderline personality disorder profile to you? if not, you should ask them. apparently, it's pretty common for shrinks NOT to inform patients of this diagnosis because it is one of the few that can be truly hopeless, and they think it would just depress patient more to learn this. reason i mention this is the books cindy w recommended to me by marsha linehan (sp?) might help you both if you read the BPD profile and see yourselves. might be good idea to get pro-active with your shrinks after at least skimming the book and the workbook. books aren't cheap, and are really meant for therapists, but she's come up with the first workable treatment protocol for bpd. i was just furious with my shrink for not telling me about his bpd diagnosis of me, especially when i suspected it myself and long time ago, had mentioned it to him. although the books are meant for therapists, if you can cut through the jargon and density, there's a lot of really good stuff there. reading/skimming them was really a turning point for me. she has a bunch of really good analyses for really profound hopelessness-exactly what it may and may not mean-and focuses on specific exercises and thought patterns you or both you and your therapist can work on to help dig you out. hope this helps. caroline
caroline,Back in 94' I had 2 DR's that said that I had BPD.But my DR's now don't think that I have BPD.So how knows each Dr. tells me something different. kellyR.
poster:kellyR.
thread:605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/694.html