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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
hi, i am so sad and always lately so down and very sad and very lonely don't know what to do--my husband does love me but he does not show it to me we are two people living together but just as two bodies that is it the only time we talk it is either about decisions or about anything that concerns our kids (two boys 9 and 6) i do everything that is wanted from me around the house i don't postpone anything--i don't embaress him infront of his family or friends or coworkers i give him his space and his freedom i checked everything to see if i am doing anything that drives him to this but did not find anything but i stopped giving anything emotional like saying i love you like coming on to him like trying to be nice i just react and i don't act anymore before i used to do lots of nice things like surprising him with either gifts, changing looks, trying new receipies that he might like, anything you name it but now i don't cause i know he does not appreciate it and his reaction is the same for anything i asked him so many times is there is something wrong with me so i would change and make our relationship better he said no nothing at all--i was a working lady by the way full time ever since i graduated from college and i am currently in between jobs since 3 months ago and by the way this has been happening for a long time not recently -- i turned out to be sad all the time, feeling lonely, i just want to be loved for real i mean he tells me that he loves me but i don't beleive him and i don't know why before i used to beleive but now no, i lost interest in going out with him cause i don't feel happy and feel very sad when i look around and see couples holding hands, walking together and talking, cause when we are outside or even inside he doesn't touch me at all he only touches me when we are in bed (sexually) and by the way that happens twice a month and i find it very weired cause i don't mind and when i ask him why not more than twice or three times a month he always give me reasons like i am tired, the kids bla bla bla -- now i even lost intrest in bed as well, and everytime we do anything in bed at the time it is great for both of us we have a great time really till now but my problem is that i feel so bad afterwards cause i let him do that cause i feel so mad at myself that i gave in although i am sad and so mad at him !! mixed feelings i feel crazy now so crazy i am loosing it so many times i thought of divorce and i told him but he doesn't want out and he promises that he would be better but nothing happens i feel that i am talking to a brick i don't know what is wrong i am always mad always loosing it getting it out on the kids always nervous, and upset, don't want to go out anymore don't want to be with him -- want to be just loved in a simple way i want him to appreciate me,tell me nice things once in a while, i just want to be happy and don't know how help me please i don't know if i make sense or not i hope i did--we have been married for 10 years now i keep thinking of a divorce and even tell him but he just doesn't want to !! i keep thinking of hurting him emotionally like he is doing to me but i am not capable of doing so and don't know why probably cause i love him i tried travelling alone as well with no kids also we fight once in any travel cause he is not satisfying me emotionally !! oh and we fight a lot lately only about one subject and that i am sad because of the way he is treating me that makes me at the end feel sad and lonely
Posted by Lil'Deb on September 11, 2010, at 14:46:14
In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
Wow. I am so sorry that things are rough for you. It sounds to me that you suffering from depression - you don't say whether you're taking medication or not, and maybe you should look into this. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and antidepressants have helped many people cope with the stress of life. It also sounds like you feel a lot of resentment towards your husband, and this is a difficult thing to live with. It feels like he doesn't care, but maybe he just doesn't know how. A lot of time, men don't seem to get it (no offense guys). They're just wired differently then we are. Have you thought of marriage counseling? Maybe he is having issues that he doesn't want to talk about that are affecting the way he acts. Discussing things with someone may help both of you see where the other is coming from. Meanwhile, you have to take care of yourself first! This is soooo important! Good luck to you, and I really hope things get better.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 14, 2010, at 16:26:24
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by Lil'Deb on September 11, 2010, at 14:46:14
How about getting into therapy? I lived with an abuser for 31 years, and found the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Nothing is going to change until YOU do something about it.
Hugs n Love, SaSSY (also moderator of an abused survivors' group) and author of Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration.)
Posted by DAAIM on September 15, 2010, at 5:32:59
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do » Lil'Deb, posted by sassyfrancesca on September 14, 2010, at 16:26:24
Posted by nfc on September 21, 2010, at 3:58:55
In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
Unless you both find a way on your own so to speak to alleviate things for yourself and your husband, I would suggest couples counseling w/ a good, experienced marriage therapist. One that's caring, a good listener and wants good positive outcomes for you both together. You'll need meds if your anxiety, racing thoughts, depression etc gets worse but the key thing - Most Important is to prevent it from getting worse because w/o the right tools its very difficult to get outta the situation. Talk to caring friends/family that give unbiased listening caring ears. Chuck the advice that seems cold and stone hearted. You gave a lot of insight to how you think/feel. Yet w/ alot of ways our minds work, there's an underlying layer of thinking within each and every one of us thats been molded by all of our life experiences up to our current situation. Thats the thinking you have to decrypt and make sense of because thats what triggers everything else you feel. Try and think through these difficult situations and try not to feel emotionally as much as possible. Like if possible suppress from feeling too emotional. Easier said than done but in doing so it build emotional strength, like you can tolerate more and more and more. Like exercise/weight training. One of the key things that you should aim for is to feel happy and secure as much as possible although you're husband may not show as much attention as he should. As mentioned maybe he just doesnt know how. He may be treating you just like a guy, giving you space when if thats not suitable for you, it'll cause you discomfort as mentioned. Talk openly w/ your husband about anything and everything as much as possible. Honest exchange of communication does a lot to alleviate mental psychological problems. Goal is heal to a point where you're not looking to be cared for but to feel happy and secure that you can care for the other, teach that one to do likewise and you'll care for each other. It's like Attenuation. Syncing up to each other. Take care and hope the best for you both. Sometimes you have to reinvent the marriage so to speak and keep it runnin' on a positive high. Live by that notion, the both of you and wish you both the best.
Posted by Enigma on October 11, 2010, at 11:36:31
In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
Hmm, first off, and I don't want to sound like a jerk, but please try to use proper sentence and paragraph structure. I found your post almost impossible to read and I REALLY wanted to help. I couldn't tell where one sentence began, and where another ended.
Some commas, periods, paragraphs, and such would make it much either for all of us to help you.
I think I got the jist of what you were trying to say and he sounds like me, except that in my case, I would tell me wife exactly what was going on.
I married my wife for the wrong reasons. Long story short, I dated her, no spark, no magic and tried to end it with her. She didn't get it, like all the other girls I dated did. She stayed around, no matter what hint I dropped. So, eventually I had to be a bastard, and be mean, and that finally did it. Or so I thought. She eventually called me back months later, and wanted to be friends. Since I felt terrible for the way I ended things (this is turning out to be too long) I accepted her friendship. Her bad.. she was in love with me, and I didn't know it.
Anyway, I continued, as I was doing to find my dream girl to marry. I failed. I gave it several years, and my friend, let's call her, Kate, was there all along. Meanwhile, we were friends with benefits (I promise this is going somewhere).. so, after I gave up on my sole-mate search, I decided 2 things. 1), I was lonely, and 2) I thought giving Kate what she wanted was the right thing to do (it wasn't). So I asked her out. She was overjoyed, like I can't explain in words.
This was the start of the end of my life.
I "settled" for someone that I was not attracted to, not in-love with (remember I said this), and not even intellectually attracted to.. not even her personality. The biggest mistake of my life, which I believe led to most of my incurable depression I suffered from 10 years later.
So, for the first 10 years, I didn't have too much of a problem.. oh yeah, we got married just a few years later. We had 2-3 kids by then. Then my depression started. I knew I was not happy, thought and dreamed of other women constantly, but never told her.
I never touched her. Ever. Never kissed her, never held her had, never snuggled, etc. She never got the message. I swear I even told her I wasn't attracted to her personality, her looks, etc. Still, it didn't phase her. She neither got depressed or even cared. I don't understand why this didn't bother her.
I guess that's what killed me. I should have got a divorce, but I was afraid to be all alone and didn't want to "do that" to the children. My depression just got worse, and worse, and worse. Nothing helped. I was already bi-polar, going into the marriage.You seem to have noticed your husband pulling away. I don't know enough about him to know if that's his personality, if he was different before, or what's going through his head, but it sounds like he is not in-love with you, IF I had to GUESS. That's just a guess. Men can easily have sex without being in love. It's touching and intimacy we cannot handle if we aren't in love with someone. We don't want any part of that. Again, I can't stress enough that I'm just taking an educated guess as I'm a guy, and the situation sounds very familiar to me.
Some men fall out of love when women age, maybe the same is true for women. I really couldn't tell you. I know too many stories where women don't "age well" and the man loses his attraction to his spouse for reasons along those lines. Immature, sure, but does it happen, yes. That's not what happened to me, as I was never in-love with my wife. I married her for the wrong reasons, and thought I could handle it.. turns out it destroyed me. Leaving me unfulfilled, unhappy, depressed, sad, lonely (lonely as hell), especially after meeting the perfect women (whom I lost, 6 years ago - long story), and after meeting her and knowing what I could have had, my wife was even less appealing (which seemed impossible), but now we're separated... I have no one, and she's seeing some guy.
Go figure.
I wasted 20 years of my life, my entire youth, and not I find it impossible to meet someone new. Mostly because I wanted to give her what she always wanted.. me!..How unselfish to an unhealthy degree. Why she never detected that I wasn't in love with her is BEYOND ME. I showed her every single sign in neon lights hoping I didn't have to be a cruel bastard again and blurt it right out. I wanted us to come together and both agree we were BOTH unhappy, but that didn't work. I had to be the bad guy again, just like 20 years prior. She learned nothing in 20 years.Anyway, I'm telling you my story because maybe some of it is similar to yours. Are you sure he isn't having an affair? It would be another reason men with withdraw from their spouse like it sounds like he has.
I know too many men, or, know too many women that have been cheated on my men, for whatever reason.. chasing younger, prettier, thinner, versions of women. Men can be bastards (not that women can't).
If you have tried everything, including marriage counseling .. and IF he refuses to go, then there's something terribly wrong there, and he's probably hiding something. My advice.. just MY opinion. GET OUT.. go find someone else and be happy. Don't chase someone that will never make you happy. Make 100% sure first, or as sure as you can be. Some men will NEVER open up and tell you what's going on. They would rather cheat on you and continue to lie about it rather than tell you and let you be free. I've seen everything, and nothing surprises me...with both men and women.
I hope nothing I've said hurt you, but if there's something devious going on, and there could be, you need to know and you deserve to be happy. Don't waste your time trying to please someone that doesn't reciprocate. Don't lower yourself. If he won't tell you what's going on, try a trial separation.. see if that shakes some sense into him. If not, it's probably over. Again, this is my opinion. Other people will have theirs.
Again, start with communication, marriage counseling, and then a trial separation, if you have somewhere to go. Don't be unhappy... it will destroy you. It did to me. Mine is somewhat permanent I'm afraid. I'm 41 now, good-looking, and even in great shape, and I still can't find anyone. My life, without someone to love me, and someone to love back, is pointless. Don't end up like me.
Don't even get me started on dating sites. They're the worst thing to happen to society in 100 years.I wish you luck. Let us know what happens. The more you tell me about his behavior, the more I can try and predict what MIGHT be going through his head.
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2010, at 13:53:44
In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
If I understand correctly, your husband isn't abusive in any way, but he isn't expressing love to you in a way that you can feel it? Did he ever? It doesn't necessarily have a thing to do with you and his feelings for you.
It could be he's depressed. It could be that he's just not very demonstrative. Any number of things could be.
He says he loves you. He says he doesn't want a divorce. He expresses the intent of changing how he behaves, but he doesn't follow through. Maybe he really wants to but can't?
Is he home when he's supposed to be? Is he a good father? Other than his communication of feelings and your infrequent intercourse, is he a responsible husband and father?
Is it possible to go to couples therapy? It may be that the two of you are in a destructive loop. Or it could be that he, or you, is depressed and need treatment. A good couples counselor could help you figure those things out.
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2010, at 13:54:15
In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2010, at 13:57:50
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by Enigma on October 11, 2010, at 11:36:31
That could be what's going on, but it's far from the only option. Not all men are like you. The difference in individuals makes generalization difficult.
Posted by Enigma on October 13, 2010, at 14:53:05
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do » Enigma, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2010, at 13:57:50
> That could be what's going on, but it's far from the only option. Not all men are like you. The difference in individuals makes generalization difficult.
>I believe I listed a bunch of different options, not just what was going on with me and my marriage. Soooooo...
I talked about what many men I knew, and knew about have done as well, from women I know and have known, and from men I've known, not just what I have done (and what happened in my marriage). It's important to see the difference. Well, it's important to me anyway.
I'm a man, and I'm the last person that will come to their defense. Especially if these men did something wrong or immoral, unethical, etc. Many, or all? of my male friends have let me down severely, so there's no love lost between us, and I'm the first person to give away "their" dirty secrets, especially if they are hurting someone, and know they are.
A male perspective is *very* important here, as I think most of the responses were from women. I could better tell you what a guy is thinking than most any woman could, even a therapist. I am quite familiar with all their games, tactics, weaknesses, and so on. Seen them first hand, unfortunately, and most of these people I knew made me sick, and I kept my distance from them as much as I could, but when you're stuck working together, that gets difficult.
I hope I'm wrong, and he is not doing something "bad", it's unfortunately mostly what I've seen in my life, and her story sounds shockingly familiar to many I've heard before where something "bad", was occurring, meaning, something malicious. Just look at the divorce rate. I'm at least 50% accurate. Then there's still all those marriages that continue even though something "bad" has occurred.
I'd like to get some responses from the OP if she ever comes back to read our responses.
Posted by DAAIM on October 18, 2010, at 2:22:12
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by Enigma on October 13, 2010, at 14:53:05
Thank you all for your responses. I will try to punctuate a bit to make it easier to read. Sorry about that. Well, he is an excellent father, he helps around in the house, he cares about his kids and is involved with everything related to them, we go together to all social events, either kids related or related to us, he never abused me verbaly or physicaly never, we do treat each other in a very respectful way, he is home when he is supposed to be home, he never went out if when any of us is sick, and he goes out with friends but not on fixed dates it is random and usually to do sports, and not that often really and it is his choice because of his limited time cause of his job so he prefers to rest at home sometimes than going out with his friends, his choice really, actually sometimes I encourage him to go when he is feeling tired or just lazy and tell him that he is going to have fun. As for cheating don't think so he doesn't have time and it doesn't show as far as i know. I asked him several times to try this sepration trial period but he refused and still refuses. I told him it is okay, may be you don't love me, or may be you loved me but now u don't, i told him i am okay with this if this is the situation, and that is okay to happen no problem, let us leave each other and be happy. His answer was no I addore you, I can not live without you, you are everything to me!! I was like if you are doing this for the kids then beleive this is not right, us leaving each other might benefit them more than us staying like this together. He was like no i am not doing this for the kids!! he keeps saying i am wrong you are totally right and i don't know what is happening and what i am doing !! he is driving me crazy and i asked him to leave the house several times but he doesn't want to leave, he keeps saying i don't beleive that this is the right solution. so i am like okay come up with a different solution. he is like i don't know. and so on and so on --- aughhhhhhhhhhh i don't know what is happening to us really. I even arrgued with him about the part that he says i can not live with out u and i love you, i was like okay prove it, tell me what you do that makes me beleive that you love me or that you can not live without me? what is it that makes you not able to live without me--name one thing -- he was silent, i was like see, these r only words that you don't understand!! Marriage counceling is not really good here in Egypt (this is where i live) there are marriage councelling but they are not that good. they are basically shrinks that don't know anything about anything they just have a college degree :-)) besides even if there is one good shrink he wouldn't go cause i discussed it before with him and he just refuses every time i open the subject with him. the last argument we had he was like i will change beleive me i will wait and see. the problem is that he says it before several million times but he doesn't change!!! okay he might not know how to do these things or unable to express fine i accept this but the probelm is that i feel that we r two machines living together. we only talk about the kids, progress at school, savings, budget, making decisions, ...... no time for us, to talk about us even for 5minutes/week !!!! i can't continue like this i am flesh and blood i need other things.. i can discuss all of this with a friend. i need a husband, a lover and i am 35 i keep telling him time is running i need to enjoy my youth or enjoy my life before getting old--hope i didn't forget to answer any of your questions. thank you for your care and replies at least i am talking to someone here that is listening thanks again.
Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2010, at 10:10:34
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on October 18, 2010, at 2:22:12
He's telling you he adores you, and wants to be with you. He's a good father, and helps around the house. Do you see any of those things as indicating that he really does love you? What would he need to do for you to believe he loves you? Do you think that there are different ways to show love, or only one way?
Is it possible that there is more involved here than your belief about whether or not he loves you? Could it also involve your dissatisfaction with him as a father and husband? Could it be that you think he doesn't love you because you don't love him? If you don't feel the loving energy in the space between you, is it possible that it is not entirely his responsibility for it not being there?
It's fair enough to say that this isn't what you want from life. Does it necessarily have to be his lack of love that is the reason for that?
IMO, staying together for the sake of the kids isn't all that bad. If both partners are willing to put aside their own dreams and make the best of what they have together. Are you willing to do that? Is he? You want something from him that he is unable to give. Is there any compromise you can reach that takes into account your needs and his temperament? Happiness is sometimes something you fight to carve out from reality.
Posted by Solstice on November 8, 2010, at 10:52:19
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do » DAAIM, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2010, at 10:10:34
> Happiness is sometimes something you fight to carve out from reality.>
Wow.Solstice
Posted by Chan Fook on November 9, 2010, at 16:39:56
In reply to Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do » Dinah, posted by Solstice on November 8, 2010, at 10:52:19
Hi DAAIM,
I read your story, and I believe everyone has the right to search for someone better in them, IF they think that they exist and are not the person they are currently with at the moment. If you think that he isn't "the one", then so be it, but what exactly are your goals from breaking up with him? How will you guys go between taking care of the kids at such a delicate age? The act of separation of husband and wife can be easy and selfish, or you can take it one step further to prepare yourself so you don't ever feel guilty about your options.
Now as for it not working between you two, I hate to bring it up, but it is very important between a functioning couple, but how is your sex life? I've always said to all my friends that there are two distinct features of a long-term relationship or marriage: good love, good sex. Failing either one can bring a relationship to an end or make some depressed. People might comment on this back and tell me I'm wrong, but deep down, for a relationship to really last, you need these two to be solid during the relationship.
If the sex isn't great, why isn't it? How can it be improved or CAN it be improved? Lots of people go through the stage in life asking themselves the question "can I do better" or "but I've never done this before", like you said, you think your youth is running out and you'd like to experiment. But, can you save your marriage, can you still experiment with him? Sex counselling with your partner will be an amazing way to revitalize your relationship from a sexual point of view. Read some books on saucing up your sex life, etc.
I know I've rambled on, but I like helping people in their tough patches.
Hope that helps,
Chan Fook.
This is the end of the thread.
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