Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: I am so sad in my marriage what to do

Posted by Enigma on October 11, 2010, at 11:36:31

In reply to I am so sad in my marriage what to do, posted by DAAIM on September 11, 2010, at 2:57:26

Hmm, first off, and I don't want to sound like a jerk, but please try to use proper sentence and paragraph structure. I found your post almost impossible to read and I REALLY wanted to help. I couldn't tell where one sentence began, and where another ended.

Some commas, periods, paragraphs, and such would make it much either for all of us to help you.

I think I got the jist of what you were trying to say and he sounds like me, except that in my case, I would tell me wife exactly what was going on.

I married my wife for the wrong reasons. Long story short, I dated her, no spark, no magic and tried to end it with her. She didn't get it, like all the other girls I dated did. She stayed around, no matter what hint I dropped. So, eventually I had to be a bastard, and be mean, and that finally did it. Or so I thought. She eventually called me back months later, and wanted to be friends. Since I felt terrible for the way I ended things (this is turning out to be too long) I accepted her friendship. Her bad.. she was in love with me, and I didn't know it.

Anyway, I continued, as I was doing to find my dream girl to marry. I failed. I gave it several years, and my friend, let's call her, Kate, was there all along. Meanwhile, we were friends with benefits (I promise this is going somewhere).. so, after I gave up on my sole-mate search, I decided 2 things. 1), I was lonely, and 2) I thought giving Kate what she wanted was the right thing to do (it wasn't). So I asked her out. She was overjoyed, like I can't explain in words.

This was the start of the end of my life.

I "settled" for someone that I was not attracted to, not in-love with (remember I said this), and not even intellectually attracted to.. not even her personality. The biggest mistake of my life, which I believe led to most of my incurable depression I suffered from 10 years later.

So, for the first 10 years, I didn't have too much of a problem.. oh yeah, we got married just a few years later. We had 2-3 kids by then. Then my depression started. I knew I was not happy, thought and dreamed of other women constantly, but never told her.
I never touched her. Ever. Never kissed her, never held her had, never snuggled, etc. She never got the message. I swear I even told her I wasn't attracted to her personality, her looks, etc. Still, it didn't phase her. She neither got depressed or even cared. I don't understand why this didn't bother her.
I guess that's what killed me. I should have got a divorce, but I was afraid to be all alone and didn't want to "do that" to the children. My depression just got worse, and worse, and worse. Nothing helped. I was already bi-polar, going into the marriage.

You seem to have noticed your husband pulling away. I don't know enough about him to know if that's his personality, if he was different before, or what's going through his head, but it sounds like he is not in-love with you, IF I had to GUESS. That's just a guess. Men can easily have sex without being in love. It's touching and intimacy we cannot handle if we aren't in love with someone. We don't want any part of that. Again, I can't stress enough that I'm just taking an educated guess as I'm a guy, and the situation sounds very familiar to me.

Some men fall out of love when women age, maybe the same is true for women. I really couldn't tell you. I know too many stories where women don't "age well" and the man loses his attraction to his spouse for reasons along those lines. Immature, sure, but does it happen, yes. That's not what happened to me, as I was never in-love with my wife. I married her for the wrong reasons, and thought I could handle it.. turns out it destroyed me. Leaving me unfulfilled, unhappy, depressed, sad, lonely (lonely as hell), especially after meeting the perfect women (whom I lost, 6 years ago - long story), and after meeting her and knowing what I could have had, my wife was even less appealing (which seemed impossible), but now we're separated... I have no one, and she's seeing some guy.

Go figure.

I wasted 20 years of my life, my entire youth, and not I find it impossible to meet someone new. Mostly because I wanted to give her what she always wanted.. me!..How unselfish to an unhealthy degree. Why she never detected that I wasn't in love with her is BEYOND ME. I showed her every single sign in neon lights hoping I didn't have to be a cruel bastard again and blurt it right out. I wanted us to come together and both agree we were BOTH unhappy, but that didn't work. I had to be the bad guy again, just like 20 years prior. She learned nothing in 20 years.

Anyway, I'm telling you my story because maybe some of it is similar to yours. Are you sure he isn't having an affair? It would be another reason men with withdraw from their spouse like it sounds like he has.

I know too many men, or, know too many women that have been cheated on my men, for whatever reason.. chasing younger, prettier, thinner, versions of women. Men can be bastards (not that women can't).

If you have tried everything, including marriage counseling .. and IF he refuses to go, then there's something terribly wrong there, and he's probably hiding something. My advice.. just MY opinion. GET OUT.. go find someone else and be happy. Don't chase someone that will never make you happy. Make 100% sure first, or as sure as you can be. Some men will NEVER open up and tell you what's going on. They would rather cheat on you and continue to lie about it rather than tell you and let you be free. I've seen everything, and nothing surprises me...with both men and women.

I hope nothing I've said hurt you, but if there's something devious going on, and there could be, you need to know and you deserve to be happy. Don't waste your time trying to please someone that doesn't reciprocate. Don't lower yourself. If he won't tell you what's going on, try a trial separation.. see if that shakes some sense into him. If not, it's probably over. Again, this is my opinion. Other people will have theirs.

Again, start with communication, marriage counseling, and then a trial separation, if you have somewhere to go. Don't be unhappy... it will destroy you. It did to me. Mine is somewhat permanent I'm afraid. I'm 41 now, good-looking, and even in great shape, and I still can't find anyone. My life, without someone to love me, and someone to love back, is pointless. Don't end up like me.
Don't even get me started on dating sites. They're the worst thing to happen to society in 100 years.

I wish you luck. Let us know what happens. The more you tell me about his behavior, the more I can try and predict what MIGHT be going through his head.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Enigma thread:962047