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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
My T - he's been very professional and pretty clear on boundaries in the 6 years I've known him. Sometimes I email him sometimes text, but usually just when I'm telling him I'm running late. Well the other day I saw him and I had text'd him that I'd be late. That night at 9:45 he texts me "noticed you called me "nicknameT". that is a nickname only my closest friends have used for years. It made me feel good to know you used it. Thanks"
So why would he do this to me, 9:45 at night, livin my life and minding my own business, here I'm going through a divorce and he knows I'm dealing with lonliness and he know that I love him? I've been trying to get the courage to quit therapy, because I think I only go now to see him. I'm not even sure I beleive in the merits of therapy anymore. But I don't quit yet because I figure that I need to talk to someone for a while longer as I'm coming through this awful time. Anyway - his text just revives my fantasy that he does have some feelings for me and that we could some day have a reltionship (ethically after 2 yrs) He has been going through some huge relationship challenges with his wife during the past several months but he doesn't talk about it any more (he only did a little bit before) Why do you suppose he sent me that message? I feel so lonely sometimes and right now is one of those times.
Joni
Posted by happyflower on October 26, 2008, at 19:38:09
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
Yeah, that is kinda strange for him to send something like that. It would make me feel confused about the relationship, that is for sure.
It is probably innocent, he was being nice, but it is a little personal, "his personal", that normally is for friends. You know the common babble thing to say is that you should talk to your T about this, or you could stay in the bliss of fantasy for a little longer. ;-)
Posted by raisinb on October 26, 2008, at 21:03:59
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
I am sorry you're going through such a hard time. You sound so overwhelmed.
Yes, talk to your therapist about it. I think they have to balance good boundaries with wanting a close (therapeutic, of course) relationship with us, and knowing that closeness will help us. Maybe he was trying to help you feel less alone; the message just didn't have that effect.
Sometimes I have this weird idea that therapists participate in our fantasies as long as we need those fantasies. Not in an inappropriate way at all--but somehow they know we need to keep certain wishes, hopes, desires, possibilities alive, and they provide the space to do that and a little help. Just because you go just to see him doesn't mean what you're doing isn't therapy.
But I'm sure a conversation about what he intended and its effects would be helpful.
Posted by muffled on October 27, 2008, at 0:32:01
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
(((((Joni))))
dunno what to say....
cept like the others say...just ask :-(
please be careful, it were proly innocent but the whole situation you and T are in lifewise is fraught with peril....
T is human.
T relationship is odd at best.
Sigh, it so hard :-(
Guess you not go find another T?
Best wishes, take good care.
Sorry you lonely.
Muffled
Posted by JoniS on October 27, 2008, at 6:57:19
In reply to Re: Why would he do it? » JoniS, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2008, at 19:38:09
Thanks HF. Yea, you're right the Babble standard reply is talk to HIM. Not gonna do it. I'll just stay here in fantasyland!
Posted by JoniS on October 27, 2008, at 7:02:50
In reply to Re: Why would he do it? » JoniS, posted by raisinb on October 26, 2008, at 21:03:59
Raisnb
Thanks for post. I believe that too, that they participate in our fantasies as long as we need them to. And it is weird. I have come to the place where it (therapy) just makes me mad because I have these deep feelings for someone who ony has a tiny window of time for me. It stinks.
Joni
Posted by JoniS on October 27, 2008, at 7:04:54
In reply to Re: Why would he do it?, posted by muffled on October 27, 2008, at 0:32:01
thanks Muff, and thanks for the hugs. Good to hear from you. Dont worry I'm careful. He's even much more careful. Take good care of yourself ;-)
Joni
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 27, 2008, at 7:54:00
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
((((Joni))): Yes, i can see where that would be confusing. Unfortunately, the only way you can find out his meaning, is t ask him.
I e-mail my t off and on, and sometimes he responds wonderfully...humanly....other times (I could tear my hair out, LOL), and he responds classic, textbook profession-wise.
I am so sorry about you going thru a divorce; I know how excruciating that is; I did that after 31 years of abuse.
Been with my t for 5 years. He shouldn't have shared his struggle (about his feelings for me) with me. It makes it terribly painful...being alone for over 3 years; loving someone you cannot have, etc...
My love and hugs to you dear ((Joni))).
Sassy
P.S. Babble me if you'd like to talk.....
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2008, at 12:54:16
In reply to Re: Why would he do it? » JoniS, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 27, 2008, at 7:54:00
Been through three divorces one after 21 years thing is it's only now the lonliness married now to a man who doesn't talk or want to share our lives. Now I'm looking back first yes was verbally and he cheated and drank, second was a wonderful older man and should have stayed with him, third a faithful truck driver but nothing in commom and he also drank. Now this one is verbally abusive but can't go through another. People keep saying I need meds but if the relationship worked I wouldn't need them as didn't in the two year hiatus between marriages. And no to marriage couselling been there done that for seven years with first husband. Point in writing all this is that I do know the inner lonliness. You can be with someone and be lonlier. So if you and T keep healthy boundaries that is good. Love Phillipa and sincerely hope you feel better today.
Posted by Kath on October 27, 2008, at 19:58:25
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
> So why would he do this to me, 9:45 at night, livin my life and minding my own business, here I'm going through a divorce and he knows I'm dealing with lonliness and he know that I love him? I've been trying to get the courage to quit therapy, because I think I only go now to see him. I'm not even sure I beleive in the merits of therapy anymore. But I don't quit yet because I figure that I need to talk to someone for a while longer as I'm coming through this awful time. Anyway - his text just revives my fantasy that he does have some feelings for me and that we could some day have a reltionship (ethically after 2 yrs) He has been going through some huge relationship challenges with his wife during the past several months but he doesn't talk about it any more (he only did a little bit before) Why do you suppose he sent me that message? I feel so lonely sometimes and right now is one of those times.
> Joni~ ~ ~I don't know why Joni ((((((you)))). But I do know that in my opinion he most certainly should NOT have. I think it was at the very least, unprofessional & at the very most - cruel.
I hear that you need someone to support you through this difficult time. I agree. I truly hope that you can obtain this help from another source.
What he has done has 'muddied the waters' in my opinion. I don't read a lot of posts on this board, but I've certainly read loud-&-clear how many people are in so much pain from developing romantic feelings for their therapists. Your therapists has gone outside the bounds of what is OKAY. In my opinion he had no right to do this & I would think the safest thing for you to do is to terminate the relationship as soon as possible.
How can you ever relate in the same way again? That'd be my quesiton.You sound like you're ready to go ahead strongly in your life. You deserve to eventually be involved romantically (if you want to) with someone who is there for you as an equal partner. Also, I might add, hopefully it will be someone who is ethical & if they're involved in a profession, that they're responsible & morally accountable to any standards set by that professioin.
I am so sorry this has happened.
I've only read your first post, so have no idea what others have said or where you're at now.
(((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))
I care about you, Kath
Posted by Kath on October 27, 2008, at 20:03:26
In reply to Why would he do it?, posted by JoniS on October 26, 2008, at 19:24:15
Dear Joni,
I hope I didn't 'come on too strong'. I read the other posts & think that I might have.
I guess the thing I heard was that you were thinking of stopping going to this T (from my understanding). I think that when we reach that point, it indicates we're getting to a stronger place. I'd hate to see your emotions get pushed & pulled with the result being that you get pulled off track of going forward strongly with your life.
love, Kath
Posted by JoniS on October 28, 2008, at 23:07:39
In reply to Re: Why would he do it? » JoniS, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 27, 2008, at 7:54:00
Sassy,
Thanks for your reply to my post. It helps to hear from others who've been through similar stuff.
Joni
Posted by JoniS on October 28, 2008, at 23:09:04
In reply to Re: Why would he do it?, posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2008, at 12:54:16
Phillipa,
Thanks for your advice and well wishes. It means a lot.
Joni
Posted by JoniS on October 28, 2008, at 23:13:00
In reply to Re: Why would he do it? » JoniS, posted by Kath on October 27, 2008, at 20:03:26
Kath,
Thanks for your post. I know when the waters get too muddy, it's not a good thing. That's why it's peculiar to me. My T has a pretty strong track record for not muddying the waters in the past. He will not do anyting unethical, and he watches out for his client's best interest, always. I appreciate your encouragement.
Joni
This is the end of the thread.
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