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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
I have been really sick for about a month and during that time, my depression has hit me really hard. I have not been able to eat anything but applesauce and rice for a month, and whereas I used to eat chicken fingers, and fries, and all of the fast food places I could find...(I eat for comfort)...but I couldnt do that..and still cannot do that, and so I have become depressed. I am being forced to eat healthy which is great, but I am having a hard time.
My family and coworkers dont understand that I am sick both mentally and physically and they think it is all in my head..and the only person I can really complain to is my T.
I believe that every person needs human touch..and I am not talking about sexual, although I believe that too..I am just talking about hugs, handshakes etc...but I realized I have not had a hug in FOREVER...from anyone..and I love hugs..(I know this is a cheesy post..but please bare with me..because it is a very touchy subject for me).
I emailed my T and told him I needed to be hugged and that I wanted to hug him but that I would never ask him for that becuse he is my psychologist and not my friend, or brother or parent...and it would be wrong of me to ask. I told him I wanted to hug him because he seems to have it "altogether" and I just want to feel the same even if it is for a second...(I know this sounds stupid). Anyway, he emailed me back and told me that after all I have been through this past month that I do deserve a hug and that it is a reasonable request for me to ask for one.
So, I guess this means he will be giving me a hug tomorrow. Granted I trust him with my life...I trust him so much that I know he would never do anything more than just hug me.
He hugged me one other time when I was reading him something out of my journal...it was something like "all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be OK and that I am going to make it"..so he said "Amanda, Stand up and I am going to hug you, and I want you to know that everything is going to be ok, and that you can get through this because you are a strong person"..something like that..I NEVER GET HUGS, he is the only one that ever hugs me!!! That is not normal. EVERY HUMAN NEEDS HUGS. I don't have friends...NO FRIENDS..and that is something I am working on getting out and finding new friends, but I have been so sick..everything got put on the backburner..and this is the first day I have been well...
I know it isn't an everyday thing for a T to give out hugs...:) but I dont know what else to do...I have basically given up on everyone around me..for the time being...and it isnt like I am going to ask him to hug me every week...
I told him if and when he hugs me I am probably going to fall apart. It has seriously been about a year since someone has hugged me. And I have never been in a physical relationship ...( I have no friends..and no one of the opposite sex has ever been interested in me...(another reason why i am in therapy)..and therefore have never been sexually active...so I have missed out on sexual touch as well...
I am craving for attention and love and I just don't know what to do.
I know this is a cheesy post and I thank you for reading it...whoever does...
My mother thinks I am only thinking of myself and that I need to snap out of my depression.. I AM SORRY but anyone with depression knows that that just CANNOT HAPPEN. Anyway, don't get me started. :)
amanda
Posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 17:21:35
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
Amanda,
Your post made me feel very sad. I also crave hugs, especially when I am feeling bad, but I can get them from my family. It is too bad that your family doesn't seem to believe in them. I believe that hugs have great potential for healing. I am sure that this is hard-wired into us as a species. I wouldn't be surprised if hugs actually release endorphins, which make you feel happy.
It is nice that your T can accommodate some hugs, but you're right, that cannot and should not be your regular supply. Do you have the opportunity (or inclination) to work with young children? Kids are fantastic and enthusiastic huggers. I have also heard volunteers to nursing homes say that many of those residents also crave hugs too. Like you, many no longer have opportunities to hug and they sorely miss it. So if you're so inclined, you might consider volunteering to work with such populations. The warmth you get from things like that is almost a hug, anyway.
Here's a virtual hug from me
(((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))))
Hope you're feeling better soon,
Lucie
Posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:26:31
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy » Amanda29, posted by lucie lu on October 15, 2008, at 17:21:35
My thing is, I am not very good with the elderly, OR small children. I have a 2 year old niece which I am pretty good with and she gives me hugs which is great, but I havent been around her for a month because of my illness..and my sister and I are fighting so we havent been talking at all.
My family doesnt really believe in showing affection to others, we do hug, but my relationship with my mom is not the greatest and so we NEVER hug, and if we do, it doesn't mean anything...I don't know..it is hard.
Don't worry my therapist and I have strict boundaries and they don't get crossed...so all is good. :)
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 15, 2008, at 17:26:36
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
(((((((((((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))))))))))))
I wish *I* could hug you right now, if that's OK to say. Therapy hugs can be complicated, depending on the situation. I am so very impressed that you have asked for one and my immediate hit from your post is that it seems like just the right thing for you. I *sure* hope it helps. I don't think anything you have said is cheesy. I *totally* believe everyone needs hugs (non-sexual) and I also believe sexual contact is important. Your post made me really want these things for you. And I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle with depression. Please remember that parents and coworkers won't often understand and that can make you feel worse. Post here as often as you like about what you are going through. I'm glad you have your T and I hope that you are able pursue other significant relationships in your life - so much easier said than done.
I don't really feel like I'm saying much that will help, but just know people are listening to you.
FMD
Posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:32:48
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 15, 2008, at 17:26:36
Thank you. :) My finding other relationships is extremely hard for me beacuse as I told him 3 weeks ago..I am afraid to live and afraid to grow...so that makes it difficult for me to break out of my fear and take risks...which makes it difficult for me to meet new people and make new friends if I am not able to get out and look..you know? I have a severe fear of doing anything..it is really weird...and it is all because I am lonely and I feel like I am alone in the world and who would ever want to be friends with me...so I live with my dogs and my cat and I am my own best friend and worst enemy...and I turned to eating as my source of comfort which is really bad...because all it does is cause more harm than good. But luckily with being sick, I have had to eat healthy.
I am rather nervous about hugging him tomorrow..if he hugs me first...but, I know it is for me to feel accepted...and "Loved". Which is something that I don't get or hear anymore.
Posted by antigua3 on October 15, 2008, at 18:13:51
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
I'm sorry you've been so sick. It just adds to the pressure you've been under.
I believe in hug therapy because my T hugs me tight at the end of every session now. It has helped tremendously.
I would never dream of getting a hug from my pdoc, but that's the structure of our relationship and I'm totally fine with that.(yuck!! is all I can say to getting one from him!)
You seem to have the right attitude about this, that this hug is within the boundaries of your relationship w/your T. If you keep that in check, you should be fine.
Enjoy the hug!
antigua
Posted by JayMac on October 15, 2008, at 18:22:16
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
Amanda,
Many, many, many hugs to you =)I completely understand what it's like to need physical touch/intimacy. I also know what it's like to be depressed.
How brave of you to ask for what you need! I think many of us have a difficult time doing just that, ask. And to receive it will truly be wonderful!
Take good care!
Posted by no_rose_garden on October 15, 2008, at 21:16:21
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy » Amanda29, posted by JayMac on October 15, 2008, at 18:22:16
I very much understand how you feel. In college, there was a person I trusted very much and I got hugs from him almost every week. He would hold me and squeeze me tight and not let go until I was ready (although I never wanted to let go). I felt so safe. That was 4 years ago and I REALLY miss it.
I hope the hugs from your T will help pull you through. I know how special it is.
-No Rose Garden
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 16, 2008, at 7:26:27
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
((((Amanda)))): Sending you hugs, sweetie! As humans, we all need to be touched and feel loved.
I don't think there is anything wrong in a t giving a hug (if you go into Dr. Zur's website, you will see he has different thinking than most t's....and I agree with everything he says.
There are so many rules and regulations in the t business, that it can become cold and inhuman.
My t and I have argued/discussed the hug thing many times. In the beginning he would hug me hello and goodbye. Then he stopped the hugs....we go back and forth; I have even given him articled on hugging, and that it is therapeutic.
I think for my t it is sexual. I told him that for me it is simply a human need and NOT sexual at all. He said he only hugs kids and little old ladys......
I am alone after 31 years of abuse, and am a huggy, kissy, touchy feely type of person....I need and crave hugs.
It's a fact that babies will die without touch, but we as adults won't die, but I souls will......if we are not touched.
Wish i could come right over and hug you for real, dear little friend.
Love and HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, Sassy
Posted by Kath on October 16, 2008, at 13:18:18
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
Oh Sweetie ((((((((((((((((((((Amanda)))))))))))
And HOW I wish it could be in person. Are ya anywhere near Toronto, Ontaro????
You sound like someone I'd like to have as a friend.
I'm sorry for so much of what you've talked about.
I don't know if you can afford it Amanda, but when I feel the need for extra touching (& I DO have people who always share hugs with me) anyway, I will book a massage appointment. I find it so nurturing to have this person totally concentrating on touching me!!
Please let us know how it goes, okay?
luv, Kath
Posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 17:41:30
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy » Amanda29, posted by Kath on October 16, 2008, at 13:18:18
Hello to all, He didn't hug me today. But, I had told him if he didn't hug me I wouldnt be upset and that I wasn't going to hold my breath...so I cannot get too upset. But, the session, I was expecting to be really emotional and it ended up being really laid back, and we talked a about a couple of things and it was just nice to talk. He has extended my session to an hour and a half instead of an hour because I told him I needed extra time...so that is GREAT. And, I didn't feel rushed, so I was able to relax and talk about everything on my mind, and I laughed and I felt "normal" which is something I never feel. So, instead of crying I was able to laugh, and I guess he felt like I didnt need a hug right now...which is fine. ( I still do) but I am not going to fret over it.
He usually spends time with his kids on thursdays (he is divorced) and so he has never met with me past five..and yet he has decided to do so now..so when I got out it was almost six, and his kids were standing right outside the door. I felt guilty because I dont want to take away from his time with his kids...but I also know that he wouldnt have said he would meet with me later..if he didn't want to.
So. NO HUGS :( I am hoping that one day it will happen. He knows I am starving for attention and love...
thank you for your posts to me..you are all being very kind and I need that right now in my life...there is no support in my life right now..my Therapist is IT!
Posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 20:11:27
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
I know I should probably give credit to the person whose thoughts these are, but I lost the name...but if you are reading this and these are your thoughts, please know that they are amazing and I have those same feelings 100 percent.
Never have I been able to find someone on the internet that has almost the exact same feelings that I do..and I found this post on the internet and selected the few parts that expressed how I truely feel at this moment in my life...and I wanted to share....
THIS WAS ULTIMATELY AN EMAIL THAT I SENT TO MY THERAPIST. WE MET TODAY.
(POST)
"I feel as if I were a little girl who just needs to be held and rocked to sleep and told she's safe and loved, that's me now, that's how I feel every where I go... ashamed of myself... of my body. I feel this deep, deep need of closeness and love and safe touch and hugs but I am so afraid that no one can love me... cause I have such a deep needs... needs of a little girl.(AMANDA)
we pretty much talked this through, but I do feel like a little girl and it is because I am lacking the love that I should have received when I was growing up. Someone told me on psycho babble that infants can die with lack of touch and that adults dont..but that their soul dies...and I feel like my soul is dying. I want to be loved so badly..and I am not talking about sexually.. I am afraid no one will want to love me because I am still living the life of a little girl...in my mind..I haven't gotten to the place where I SHOULD be an adult. I AM STILL TRYING TO LIVE MY CHILDHOOD LIFE. Does that make sense? I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to be in the adult world. But, alas, I am, and I am scared out of my mind.
AND, I am clinging to my parents for as long as I can because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do and that pretty soon they will be gone and I will be alone in the world and even more scared ..and well, ...you better still be in business. ;)
(POST)
After waiting a year I was craving a hug from her (therapist) and when it happened, I surrendered to the feelings inside... to the tears and I cried and cried and cried safely in her arms. The little girl in me just wishes I could stay safe like that without anyone touching me or hurting me bad
(AMANDA)
I want to feel like this girl, I want to be able to hug you and be upset and for you to not judge me and for you to tell me that I am strong and I can get through this, and that I am not alone. BUT, I realize the boundaries of therapy, and I realize that this might not even be an option. I know every therapist is different. I know with Linda Smith, she never touched me except for one time where she patted me on the shoulder. I just want to feel safe. And, today I felt so different in therapy, in a good way, I was able to relax, I don't know if you could tell.
(POST)
I can't face life as a child but that is what I do cause all I want is to be loved and held safely and to be told that nothing bad is going to happen anymore. "(AMANDA)
I cannot say anything more to this...I told you I am scared to live and I am scared to grow...it is because of several things, but also because I am a child. I may be 29 but I dont think like someone that is 29, and I want so baldy to be loved and to feel safe..and for nothing bad to happen to me ever again. I have had too many things happen to me...and I need a break. In your office is the only place where I feel like I can be myself...
Posted by Kath on October 16, 2008, at 20:31:56
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 20:11:27
Dear Amanda,
How brave to be so honest.
Once an 'energy worker' told me to see if I could find photos of myself as a child of different ages. Then to look at the photo & hug myself & pretend that the Big me was holding the Me of the kid in the photo.
Even now, I can find it soothing to fold my arms around myself & hug myself & sort of say "there, there".
((((((((((((((you)))))))))) luv, Kath
PS - I think it's amazing & wonderful that your sessions have been extended! That is a pretty big thing, in my opinion!
Would you feel safe to ask him if, in the future, if you felt the need of a hug, would he be okay with you asking him?
Sometimes I hug my therapist, sometimes I don't. It's a lady, so maybe that makes it different. The first time, I said to her, "would you like a hug?" and she hugged me & told me that if I wanted a hug, I could just ask her & she smiled.
:-) xoxo, Kath
Posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 20:35:09
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy » Amanda29, posted by Kath on October 16, 2008, at 20:31:56
My therapist is a male and I have never asked him if I could hug him...I asked him if he would hug me... I think it would be awesome if I could ask for one and he would give me one if I needed it.
I think he could tell that I was at an OK place today and that I didn't "need one" ...even though we both are well aware that I want one.
Posted by Kath on October 16, 2008, at 20:38:45
In reply to Re: hugs in therapy » Kath, posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 20:35:09
I'm not sure the difference between need one & want one. Hmm - ok, I guess I can 'feel' the difference.
I think my T was trying to say to me that I can ask her for a hug instead of wanting a hug & putting it forward as "would YOU like a hug?"
:-) I did realize that I did want for us to hug - not for me to 'give' her a hug.
:-) love, Kath
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