Posted by Amanda29 on October 16, 2008, at 20:11:27
In reply to hugs in therapy, posted by Amanda29 on October 15, 2008, at 17:05:32
I know I should probably give credit to the person whose thoughts these are, but I lost the name...but if you are reading this and these are your thoughts, please know that they are amazing and I have those same feelings 100 percent.
Never have I been able to find someone on the internet that has almost the exact same feelings that I do..and I found this post on the internet and selected the few parts that expressed how I truely feel at this moment in my life...and I wanted to share....
THIS WAS ULTIMATELY AN EMAIL THAT I SENT TO MY THERAPIST. WE MET TODAY.
(POST)
"I feel as if I were a little girl who just needs to be held and rocked to sleep and told she's safe and loved, that's me now, that's how I feel every where I go... ashamed of myself... of my body. I feel this deep, deep need of closeness and love and safe touch and hugs but I am so afraid that no one can love me... cause I have such a deep needs... needs of a little girl.(AMANDA)
we pretty much talked this through, but I do feel like a little girl and it is because I am lacking the love that I should have received when I was growing up. Someone told me on psycho babble that infants can die with lack of touch and that adults dont..but that their soul dies...and I feel like my soul is dying. I want to be loved so badly..and I am not talking about sexually.. I am afraid no one will want to love me because I am still living the life of a little girl...in my mind..I haven't gotten to the place where I SHOULD be an adult. I AM STILL TRYING TO LIVE MY CHILDHOOD LIFE. Does that make sense? I am not ready to grow up, I am not ready to be in the adult world. But, alas, I am, and I am scared out of my mind.
AND, I am clinging to my parents for as long as I can because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do and that pretty soon they will be gone and I will be alone in the world and even more scared ..and well, ...you better still be in business. ;)
(POST)
After waiting a year I was craving a hug from her (therapist) and when it happened, I surrendered to the feelings inside... to the tears and I cried and cried and cried safely in her arms. The little girl in me just wishes I could stay safe like that without anyone touching me or hurting me bad
(AMANDA)
I want to feel like this girl, I want to be able to hug you and be upset and for you to not judge me and for you to tell me that I am strong and I can get through this, and that I am not alone. BUT, I realize the boundaries of therapy, and I realize that this might not even be an option. I know every therapist is different. I know with Linda Smith, she never touched me except for one time where she patted me on the shoulder. I just want to feel safe. And, today I felt so different in therapy, in a good way, I was able to relax, I don't know if you could tell.
(POST)
I can't face life as a child but that is what I do cause all I want is to be loved and held safely and to be told that nothing bad is going to happen anymore. "(AMANDA)
I cannot say anything more to this...I told you I am scared to live and I am scared to grow...it is because of several things, but also because I am a child. I may be 29 but I dont think like someone that is 29, and I want so baldy to be loved and to feel safe..and for nothing bad to happen to me ever again. I have had too many things happen to me...and I need a break. In your office is the only place where I feel like I can be myself...
poster:Amanda29
thread:857610
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857840.html