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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 0:03:36
This is such a big issue for me and many other posters I thought it might be useful to address it. There has probably been a similar thread in the past (link?) but it's always interesting to hear what others say and do - especially as we get into vacation season :)What I'd like most to know is how people cope with separations, e.g. vacations or other planned breaks, from their T's? What strategies do your T suggest to help and what have you personally found most helpful?
-LL
Posted by Tabitha on June 27, 2008, at 2:22:20
In reply to how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 0:03:36
Oh gosh, it's gotten a little easier over the years but it can sure be a rough time. I try to talk about it in the session before her vacation, just plan on it being a tough week (or weeks), try to use other support systems if I have them, and just take it as easy as I can. When it gets bad, journal, or come get support here.
Posted by star008 on June 27, 2008, at 3:00:25
In reply to how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 0:03:36
lucie,,
it can be very hard when they leave.. Gets better with time. I just try to igmore it now but i remember how i used to feel all alone. Mine left a number to call in case I got into trouble and this woman was such a B that i decided I would never call a replacement again. WE are hear to listen to you. Try to find things to do and let life go on as usual.. It is hard, I know, but it will pass.. YOu'll be ok
Posted by backseatdriver on June 27, 2008, at 7:45:24
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by star008 on June 27, 2008, at 3:00:25
Lucie,
My T will be gone for all of August.
One thing's for sure, I'm looking forward to being on Babble more. :)
I'm putting together some distractions, too. A busy work schedule, new exercise goals, and a pile of books and movies to enjoy.
And, finally, I'm trying to think about the interruption in a different way. It feels like an abandonment -- and this is a huge issue for me -- but it is really, truly something else. It must be. But, what? I spin lots of fantasies. If my life were a musical composition, this might be where the strings come up and the horns diminish for a while ... Not bad in itself, just a change that will persist until something else changes.
Yours,
the backseat driver
Posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2008, at 12:34:13
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by backseatdriver on June 27, 2008, at 7:45:24
Seriously you guys are very lucky to have found therapists that you all connect so well with. I do mean this Love Phillipa
Posted by Looney Tunes on June 27, 2008, at 20:22:04
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2008, at 12:34:13
> Seriously you guys are very lucky to have found therapists that you all connect so well with. I do mean this Love Phillipa
Yup. I agree with Phillipa. It is hard to connect with the right therapist.
With my old T, when he left for vacations, I would always ask for something. Nothing big, but something that would remind me of T. He always was creative...once a small book, once a card, once a stuffed bear (my favorite).
It helped to have something that I could look at and remember him, even if he was gone.
Hang in there everyone.
Posted by Daisym on June 27, 2008, at 20:26:44
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2008, at 12:34:13
I think reframing the abandonent into "something else" is a great idea. I still have a hard time with separations but it seems lately that I'm the one MIA - lots of work travel, etc. So we do phone sessions and email, a little.
But when he is gone, he encourages me to write to him as if he were there. That keeps him connected and up to date when he gets back. Other things that work for me - baking, coloring and shoe shopping! (not this year though - not walking well enough to shop.)
Some people have suggested "therapy" movies, like What About Bob, etc. But that has never worked very well for me. Makes me miss him worse. I'd rather read therapy stuff. I guess we each have to find what works for us.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 22:59:34
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2008, at 12:34:13
Phillipa, I still feel so sad over your disappointing experience. Your T sounded sooo unhelpful and I'm so sorry you were dealt a bad card in her. It's completely understandable that you might want to take a time-out now and regroup. But I really believe that you're far from too old to rebuild your life or at least improve those parts that aren't working so well for you. I'm over 55 and believe me, had no stars in my eyes! I have had more Ts over the years than I can count (seriously) but only as counselors or "bandaid" helpers. There were a couple of bad ones and I quit them, like you. I stumbled upon my present T as I looked for help with a short-term crisis. All I can say is that when I met him I just had this feeling about him - his warmth, respect, gentleness, something special - that told me he was a good match for me. I had no idea these relationships existed, truthfully. He opened up all of these growth and healing opportunities to me and I began to see that maybe some lifelong difficulties really could be changed. I doubt that I would have considered this path if I hadn't met someone who was such a good match.
I do hope that, if the desire returns, you get back up on the proverbial horse and look at a few more people. Perhaps it has been different for others here, but perhaps trust your first impressions and maybe that will help you weed out unlikely prospects like Dr Iceberg :)
Love, Lucie
Posted by Sigismund on June 27, 2008, at 23:03:53
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by backseatdriver on June 27, 2008, at 7:45:24
I'd been seeing my T daily for 2 and a half years when (as planned) she went away for the best part of a year.
There was nothing I could do about it. I didn't deal with it. I just waited.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 23:39:48
In reply to how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 0:03:36
These are all great suggestions and very helpful. Every year my T and I have struggled with this issue as his vacation approaches. Some years we have had extra sessions beforehand and talked, talked, talked about it, preparing for the break. He's left voice mail so I can hear it when he's gone. But truthfully, I still feel I'm looking into a void the three weeks he's away.One year was especially traumatic. My marriage was hitting a rough patch and my H (BTW what does DH stand for? I assume it's not designated hitter) suddenly decided he needed to spend our vacation alone to focus on himself. Unfortunately he left two days before my T. My best friend also was away. I had to arrange to take our two girls on vacation since they were looking forward to one. I had one weekend completely alone (girls were away) before we left. I had a list of things to do for distraction but found myself perpetually erasing thing after thing, lowering my expectations until I just sank into complete immobility, like being into some timeless ice cave. I was like that for three days. We did end up having a successful vacation and I felt good about doing that under the circumstances, my marriage survived, my T came back of course, but given my abandonment issues this was one of the most painful experiences of my adult life. Instead of feeling resilient I still can't get that pain out of my mind even though several Augusts have passed since then.
My T and I have a curious thing about his vacation. We are not in contact for the duration, I don't even know where he goes. He does so much for me the rest of the time, is always available for me, that it's just an unspoken boundary I have never even tried to cross. He leaves a backup T but I have never been in danger and don't want anyone else, just him. I couldn't see him giving me anything transitional and it makes me sort of sad and wistful to hear that other T's do. That's just not him and I just accept all his other great qualities, but it does make it hard. I think my T still feels stymied with my distress as all his efforts prior to leaving don't seem to help. Sometimes I pick a fight. Arggh! I wish I had had babble back then. Maybe this year will be different...
Posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2008, at 19:13:12
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 22:59:34
Oh I did connect with one. And boy what a surprise as it was a very young new grad female in the ER. Forget why there. I think they asked me if I wanted to speak to one and yes. And an instant connection I loved her even with the large age difference. But she only works for the hospital no private practice so it was a shame. Love Phillipa and thanks for caring.
Posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2008, at 19:16:40
In reply to thanks everyone, such a tough subject, posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 23:39:48
As far as I know I think DH stands for Darling Husband but mine's not a darling at all. Love Phillipa and boy do I have abandonment issues in life.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 28, 2008, at 20:29:43
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations? » Lucie Lu, posted by Phillipa on June 28, 2008, at 19:13:12
Now that you mention it, Philippa, I do remember you saying something along those lines in an earlier post. If it was a little while ago that you saw her and she is a relatively new grad, maybe you can try to track her down? Maybe she is in a new situation now. Sounds like you two had some chemistry. Worth pursuing? You know what they say, if you've loved once you can love again ;-) Love, Lucie
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 28, 2008, at 20:36:16
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations?, posted by Sigismund on June 27, 2008, at 23:03:53
S - Somehow when I first read your post it didn't fully register... you were seeing your T *daily* for over two years and then had several months hiatus?! I admire your philosophical approach and survival skills :) -Lucie
Posted by Phillipa on June 29, 2008, at 19:45:27
In reply to Re: how do we deal with T separations? » Phillipa, posted by Lucie Lu on June 28, 2008, at 20:29:43
Saw her there last year also nothing had changed and she likes her job. Good benefits etc. Darn!!!! Love Phillipa
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