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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 8:30:43
So, umm, I have conceded after 2 years of therapy that maybe I am not all THERE. I am a little fragmented.
So here's an inventory of my different personality characteristics, as they stand right now. I take the point of view of an objective introspective observer
There is highly functional me. The one with the doctorate that can hold down cognitively and socially demanding jobs, that can make it to appointments and that can interact with people in a way to make my psyche look intact.
Problem: functional me is too independent. She doesn't know how to ask for help. Consequently she infers that no one cares about her. Lacking positive feedback from others at crucial points in her development she views herself as a miserably inferior being, barely worthy of oxygen. She strives, Faustian-style, and wonders why she gets nowhere.
Then there is the annihilative self. That part which seeks to destroy functional llurpsie. That one that (as Daisy wrote above) seduces one to fall into the pit, filled with vile critters and despair. This one probably developed due to a death wish I had for my older brother when I was a child/teen. It almost came true several times, but ultimately he survived death every time. My guilt overwhelms the functional me and forces me to recognize my role as a murderer. Triggered again my recent decrepitude of father, for whom I've also held a death-wish. Lacking any real power to murder these abusers, I internalized my rage and wish instead to annhilate myself. Note Beethoven 7th. Funeral March. put it on loop feedback. see what happens.
Then there is my womanhood. That part of me that is undeniably feminine. I had to deny that I was a girl/woman in order to protect myself. To tell myself that I was stonger than other girls. To tell myself that I could withstand all the sh*t that life threw me and more. To rebel against my mother, who was ultimately powerless against her abusers as well. Now mother has power, because of father's decrepitude. Watch the tables turn. When will I be liberated, though. How will I integrate my functional self with my feminine self?
On a positive note, I have noticed much less dissociating. Maybe it's due to abilify, maybe it's due to increased coping in the face of fear? I dunno.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on March 25, 2008, at 8:49:18
In reply to integrating the parts poss trigger, posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 8:30:43
I am happy your getting down to business LL.
It helps ALOT when you can start looking at yourownselves. More understanding and control that way.
Your lists of how you are organizing your days is very useful to me too, cuz I gotot learn to do that too.
As far as not dissociating so much, well that proly means you feeling safer and so less need to dissociate.
Maybe thats whats been causing some of anxiety. It was very hard for me when I stopped dissociating so much. I couldn't even when I WANTED to.
But I think its a good sign.
There are many aspects to our characters. All of us. Those that are more split and not split people too. Just for some, its more defined and separated. So getting to know how selves work is GOOD.
You have begun to discover selves. You will discover more.
For me it was very good to know that there were usu good and bad aspects to all selves. Though finding the good was sometimes a challenge...
goto go take son to dr. appt,
nice to see you
M
Posted by Phillipa on March 25, 2008, at 11:51:34
In reply to Re: integrating the parts poss trigger » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on March 25, 2008, at 8:49:18
I feel you're learning something that seems to come and go in me depending on life and that is when fully occupied no time to focus on old stuff and postive things happeded then down times and they come back. Could also be the addition to H understanding and the med. Hang in and time will tell. Phillipa
Posted by sunnydays on March 25, 2008, at 14:19:37
In reply to integrating the parts poss trigger, posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 8:30:43
I'm talking about integration of my little girl with my adult with my T. It is scary stuff, but we're fighting aliens together and we'll get through it! I'll post more about integration when I have more time.
sunnydays
Posted by Maxime on March 26, 2008, at 19:35:27
In reply to integrating the parts poss trigger, posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 9:30:43
Wow, therapists have told me that I need to be integrated and I never really knew what it meant until I read your post.
What did you do your doctorate in?
Maxime
Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 26, 2008, at 20:24:30
In reply to Re: integrating the parts poss trigger, posted by Maxime on March 26, 2008, at 19:35:27
> Wow, therapists have told me that I need to be integrated and I never really knew what it meant until I read your post.
>Cool! I'm so glad to help you (I hope I helped you). Well, anyways, I believe that a chunk of insight goes a long ways. Not always easy to swallow, but knowing oneself is something I used to take for granted. Until my self started dis-integrating.
> What did you do your doctorate in?
>
> MaximeI only answer that question when I'm wearing my "Geeks are Hot" t-shirt ;)
-Ll
Posted by rskontos on March 27, 2008, at 19:38:54
In reply to Re: integrating the parts poss trigger » Maxime, posted by llurpsienoodle on March 26, 2008, at 20:24:30
Li,
I too have been thinking in terms of integration, however I am not sure i have come to terms with it. I told my p-doc today I do not think I can be integrated. I personally believe I am too fragmented. Oh with therapy I sometimes feel a little blended. (my new word) But often I just still feel so disjointed that I cannot fathom it. I will have a 1/2 day of feeling good. Maybe sometimes a 3/4 of a day, rarely a whole day. I am still not sure if this new awareness of my parts is good. I am not sure that ignorance wasn't bliss. Oh no, I am wrong on that score. Ignorance is not bliss. But sometimes this new awareness is so hard to work with. And p-doc says we won't call it integration we will call it control over your parts so you don't feel so disjointed. Whatever. I guess if it means I can stop losing time, and losing reality, and losing connectedness with my body, it would be good thing. I still don't know about other things though.
So how does your t say to integrate. Any cool ideas?
I always like to hear. And for the record this will be the third post I have written on this topic but I deleted the other two. Maybe this one will be sent this time.
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
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