Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 8:30:43
So, umm, I have conceded after 2 years of therapy that maybe I am not all THERE. I am a little fragmented.
So here's an inventory of my different personality characteristics, as they stand right now. I take the point of view of an objective introspective observer
There is highly functional me. The one with the doctorate that can hold down cognitively and socially demanding jobs, that can make it to appointments and that can interact with people in a way to make my psyche look intact.
Problem: functional me is too independent. She doesn't know how to ask for help. Consequently she infers that no one cares about her. Lacking positive feedback from others at crucial points in her development she views herself as a miserably inferior being, barely worthy of oxygen. She strives, Faustian-style, and wonders why she gets nowhere.
Then there is the annihilative self. That part which seeks to destroy functional llurpsie. That one that (as Daisy wrote above) seduces one to fall into the pit, filled with vile critters and despair. This one probably developed due to a death wish I had for my older brother when I was a child/teen. It almost came true several times, but ultimately he survived death every time. My guilt overwhelms the functional me and forces me to recognize my role as a murderer. Triggered again my recent decrepitude of father, for whom I've also held a death-wish. Lacking any real power to murder these abusers, I internalized my rage and wish instead to annhilate myself. Note Beethoven 7th. Funeral March. put it on loop feedback. see what happens.
Then there is my womanhood. That part of me that is undeniably feminine. I had to deny that I was a girl/woman in order to protect myself. To tell myself that I was stonger than other girls. To tell myself that I could withstand all the sh*t that life threw me and more. To rebel against my mother, who was ultimately powerless against her abusers as well. Now mother has power, because of father's decrepitude. Watch the tables turn. When will I be liberated, though. How will I integrate my functional self with my feminine self?
On a positive note, I have noticed much less dissociating. Maybe it's due to abilify, maybe it's due to increased coping in the face of fear? I dunno.