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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
So tonight we argued for the small portion of the session where we actually spoke. Then we sat in silence.
I hate this and I feel so hopeless. She tries to tell me that my perception of things is distorted and that I'm following "old patterns." But it all sounds like criticism to me and I just can't take it right now. I don't know what would make it better, but I know this makes it worse.
Maybe I should just stop going. I don't think my life is going to get better than this.
Posted by star008 on January 17, 2008, at 21:16:45
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
LIfe has got to get better than this. Keep trying.
Do you normally have a good relationship with your T? Mine doesn't argue with me.. He just refuses to do it. He says what he wants and I might object but he just leaves it.. It doesn't turn into an arguement. That would be uncomfortable. Therapy girl, all we can do is to keep on trying. I know how you are feeling and it is so hard. I wish there were easy answers and an easy way through it. But life has GOT to be better than this. It is hard to settle for something less.
Posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 21:27:20
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
> So tonight we argued for the small portion of the session where we actually spoke. Then we sat in silence.
*I wonder if your T is frustrated and is unsure what to do? Does she consult with other T's when she feels stuck with a client? Mt T meets 1x/mo with a group of other T's to talk bout stuff.
> I hate this and I feel so hopeless. She tries to tell me that my perception of things is distorted and that I'm following "old patterns." But it all sounds like criticism to me and I just can't take it right now. I don't know what would make it better, but I know this makes it worse.*So, maybe you just want comfort and affirmation that you feel bad? Maybe you just want to feel she understands? I know sometimes thats all I want.
> Maybe I should just stop going. I don't think my life is going to get better than this.
*I think there can be improvement. Your in a bad place right now, but things can get better. I think you and your T need to brainstorm an decide what might feel most helpful to you at this time.
Sometimes its just putting one foot in front of the other and getting stuff done. Sometimes it helps to help others. Isolating definately is not good.
Will your T walk with you on a nice day?
Just walk and be together. Maybe sit somewhere with a view and look out at it and talk some. Tell her you just want some understanding. You do not want to fight.(iF thats what you want....)
Maybe try and get some concrete suggestions, a list, that you can mindlessly follow and DO. I did that awhile back. My T wrote some stuff, amnd I just kept referring back and 'doing'. Made soup, walked, cleaned fridge...etc.
Sorry you in the pit :-(
I'll throw you down some matches, look on the wall, you'll see my name there. I scratched it in the wall last time I fell in. But I am out right now. Its good to be out. You'll find the way out too.
(((TG)))
M
Posted by Daisym on January 18, 2008, at 1:11:56
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
I'm sorry things are so rough. Can you track it back to where it all started? Did you argue over something significant?
I think the relationship piece of therapy is so complicated and sometimes so hard to navigate. I often have said that we need therapy for therapy. But hanging in and fixing things usually is worth it and you will usually learn something.
But in the meantime, it hurts a lot, I know.
Take care,
Daisy
Posted by JoniS on January 18, 2008, at 7:52:53
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
TG,
So sorry you are in the middle of this difficult time. I hope you can stay in the struggle and work through it. I think it will make you stronger in the end. Maybe the silence will end soon and you'll arrive at a warmer place; I'm hoping for that for you!
Joni
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 12:47:33
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » TherapyGirl, posted by star008 on January 17, 2008, at 21:16:45
Thanks, Star. We normally do have a very good relationship (I've been seeing her for almost 23 years on and off). But this happens every time I get depressed. I don't know what to do differently, but I know this doesn't work for me.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 12:51:26
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 21:27:20
Thanks, Muffled. I know I need to try to get a handle on this depression, but it seems really overwhelming right now.
T is very frustrated with me and admits it. I don't know if she consults with others or not, but probably. Part of the problem is that I can't figure out what would be helpful. And then I'm a b*tch when she tries something that's not helpful. Maybe nothing is right right now, I don't know.
I think I do want her to just be with me right now and not try to talk me out of the depression or talk about how much I've changed or how I'm on the cusp of this fabulous life that doesn't even appear on my horizon.
I hope you're right about finding my way out. Right now it feels like I'm stuck here forever.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 12:53:01
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by Daisym on January 18, 2008, at 1:11:56
Yeah, I can track it back to the depression. It seems like every time I hit the skids, T and I go downhill, too. I'm sure it's all my fault. I just don't know how to make it better.
I did call and leave her a message last night asking her to call me today so that I could see if I could make it better now instead of waiting until next week.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 12:53:29
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » TherapyGirl, posted by JoniS on January 18, 2008, at 7:52:53
Thanks, Joni. I appreciate it.
Posted by raisinb on January 18, 2008, at 13:13:55
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
Hi TG, I can identify with a lot of what you've said. I can almost predict that whenever I feel bad, my T will make me feel worse. It's complicated by the fact that I then criticize her response to me, she argues, and things just deteriorate from there.
There's also *nothing* that makes me madder than voicing real disappointment, sadness, or anger-- then her telling me it's really my feelings about my mother/father--or, one of her classics, "I feel like you've felt like this in other situations," which is the same thing, mildly disguised. I certainly feel criticized. We have this argument over and over. I want sympathy and support, to be heard; she wants to analyze.
This time (it happened again, recently, over something that's not important), I decided to adopt a line that a client used in In Session, "No. This is about our relationship and what I need from you." I kept saying that, calmly, or a version of it, over and over. And you know what? I won. I got what I was asking for (a different response from her) and I feel like I have a little more power in the relationship.
I don't know if this is what's called for in your situation, but if you feel strongly about your own position, maybe you should just keep stating it. Stick to your guns and believe in yourself (I know, easier said than done, especially when it is your T you're fighting with). But she might hear you eventually.
At the very least, I can say that it was really good for me to learn that I could disagree with my T and not destroy the relationship or my own emotional stability. As a matter of fact, it feels good to know that it might really hurt to be estranged from her, but that I'm not gonna abandon myself and my own needs just to keep the connection.
The tension between what we ourselves need and what is needed for a relationship is really hard--and something I haven't figured out yet, but it seems like so many fights with Ts are about that.
Posted by DAisym on January 18, 2008, at 14:50:17
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 12:53:01
Two really separate things -
1) I think it is OK to post one response to everyone, especially when you are virtually saying the same thing to all of us. Not that I don't appreciate it - I'm just so aware of how overwhelming it can seem. And I don't want people to not post because they can't handle answering back! Speaking for myself, I'm totally OK with that. I've thought this for awhile, so I'm just picking this time to say it, I hope you don't mind.I've noticed myself that when I'm really depressed I want my therapist to pull out his magic wand (wow how Freudian is that!) and make it all better. But sometimes when he asks me to tell him exactly how I feel - how bleak and how dark and to use metaphors to really paint him the picture, I feel better. He can add to it and usually does, but he also makes all these comforting sounds and shakes his head and kind of leaves room for me to just feel bad. And THEN we move gently to discussions of how to get out of this.
I've noticed when he doesn't do that first, I get upset with him. I want to say things like, "do you think I don't know that?" OR "F-exercise! I can barely get dressed and go to work." He takes it all very well, btw. Someone pointed out recently to me how nondefensive he is, which I guess I haven't really appreciated before.
So maybe writing down exactly what you want your therapist to know -to really know - might help.
I hope the phone conversation went well.
Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 15:30:47
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » TherapyGirl, posted by DAisym on January 18, 2008, at 14:50:17
Thanks, Raisin and Daisy and all the others who posted previously. (And Daisy, thanks for giving me "permission" to respond in one post. You are absolutely right about how overwhelming that is when I'm depressed.)
Raisin -- I'm impressed with how you took care of yourself with your T. It sounds like you are doing good work and I'm glad T is able to shift gears with you.
My T has called and we had a pretty good conversation. She said that one of the reasons she fights so hard for me (and she doesn't call what we did last night arguing, btw) is because she cares about me so much and hates to see me like this. I told her I knew that and other times I could hear it more like she intends, but right now it just feels like criticism. I told her I just wasn't in a place to work on a plan to feel better. I also told her that I am hanging by a thread and a large part of that thread is the connection to her and that we had to do whatever we could to keep that connection intact, even though it's most at risk when I'm depressed. She thanked me for telling her all of that and said she would back off the other stuff and just be with me right now. I told her I didn't know if I would ever be in a place to discuss crawling out of this. She said that was okay. So no doubt we have more to discuss next week, but I feel like I got enough to keep the connection between now and then.
It's my birthday weekend and that is always hard, even when I'm not already depressed. We've talked about that before, too -- she thinks it's grief for what I didn't get when I was born and in those early years. I don't know about that, but it's always hard. This year, I'm going away for the weekend -- I desperately need the change of scenery.
Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2008, at 16:31:38
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 18, 2008, at 15:30:47
I hope you have a happy birthday, or at least a fairly peaceful one.
It's a good thing to grieve what we didn't have, I think.
I'm glad the phone conversation went well. Sometimes I think they may get overinvested in us feeling better.
Posted by star008 on January 19, 2008, at 7:34:51
In reply to Bad Session -- it's worse than ever..., posted by TherapyGirl on January 17, 2008, at 20:26:27
therapy girl.
T probably does get frustrated with you but I wouldn't say it is your fault. You are depressed and she is the professional. Maybe you both are at fault (if there is fault at all). Could you tell her how it gets when you are depressed?? Probably a good time to talk about it is when you aren't in the middle of it.
It will pass.. It always does..Just is h*ll while it is there and you are stuck in the middle
Posted by Daisym on January 19, 2008, at 15:43:19
In reply to Re: Bad Session -- it's worse than ever... » TherapyGirl, posted by DAisym on January 18, 2008, at 14:50:17
Ah - the birthday blues. I have them too. For me it is not only grieving the past (When I was a teenager, I used to lie to everyone about how my dad "never" forgot my birthday - but I actually didn't hear from him for almost 6 years) but it is trying to envision the future. Another year?! It is kind of the same way I felt on New year's but singled out and wondering about my purpose in life etc. Not to make this all about me - but don't you just want to rip up those magazine articles that scream, "Make every day count!" Uh-huh. If only it were that easy instead of just counting every day...
I hope you are going away somewhere fun and with someone nurturing. And I'm glad you can be so open with your therapist. It matters a great deal - that thread. Hang on to it tightly.
This is the end of the thread.
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