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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 2 to 26 of 26. Go back in thread:
Posted by RealMe on November 21, 2007, at 23:04:21
In reply to this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 21, 2007, at 22:05:22
Sure be like me; don't talk to T about it, and then like me you get to revisit it 20 years later. Hum--not a good plan, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken the bull by the horns. I think lots of us have stuff that is really dark and horrible, and I don't want to share with T, but today when I told him I did not want to get into horrible stuff and he indicated it still haunts me, I said, "you don't want to go there." He said maybe he didn't want to go there anymore than I do, but I have been there and go there alone, and he wants to go there with me so I won't be alone with it. He let me know no matter what, he can handle it. I told him I am scared, and he looks at me so intently it is painful. I started to feel closer to him again today, and then I went to work and just worked on reports and actually started to dissociate; almost fell off my chair and wrote stuff in the report that was my stuff. I always proof my repots, and went omg. So, I feel I have to protect myself somehow, but I can't just ignore what has reared it's ugly head either. It doesn't work. This is the voice of experience, unfortunately.
RealMe
Posted by Muffled on November 21, 2007, at 23:44:27
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now » llurpsienoodle, posted by RealMe on November 21, 2007, at 23:04:21
Sigh my T and me said similiar things...
I still not say stuff.
But maybe the reason you struggling so LL, is cuz it IS time to let the beast out and share it?
My T said that its scarey to be in th dark alone, and she wants to come in the dark with me. And not to owrry bout her, cuz she can take care of herself, and she WANTS to help me carry the burden, and she don't want me to carry it alone.
Can it be any worse to tell it to your T, than having it eat at you from the inside? Maybe it is time to let some light into the dark.
And LL. You SO not cold and callous, you are just protecting yourself.
It can be OK, I am sure of this. You made it this far.
I dunno why people are so worried bout forgiving people and stuff. Maybe sometimes its best to let them go....
Not a bad thing maybe, but maybe necessary? I dunno.
I just want you to be OK LL.
I want you to understand that you have worked VERY hard to get as far as you have.
I think you got what it takes to keep going thru this crap.
Please phone your T as necc, and/or take a page from B2 story, and if it ever gets bad enuf, hosp is NOT the end of the world...
Take good care,
Hope I not say dumb stuff.
(((((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))
Muffled
Posted by Daisym on November 22, 2007, at 1:33:18
In reply to this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 21, 2007, at 22:05:22
I know I won't be the only person to say this -- but I felt exactly the same way about all of this when I started therapy. And even almost a year into it. But when it gets this huge...this painful...it has to come out. Think of it as poisen that needs to be released from your system. I try very hard to lump all the stuff that happened into a large, "I was abused" category. But there are certain things, certain stories that need to be told on their own and I have to figure out how to accept them as my history and not let them devastate me. I can't do it alone.
Telling someone else -- actually saying the words -- makes it that much more real. But it helps to not be alone with it. It helps to have someone hear you, believe you and remind you that it isn't your fault. The shame involved isn't yours, even though I know you feel like it is. It belongs to the person who hurt you. It belongs to your dad.
Keeping the secret means you are still being controlled by it. No matter what it is, your therapist can handle it. He has shown himself steady and trustworthy. So when it gets overwhelming, let him help you.
I'm sorry things are so hard right now.
Posted by star008 on November 22, 2007, at 7:23:32
In reply to this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 21, 2007, at 22:05:22
I hate the laundry.. Nasty stuff soaking in there. I finally wrote my down and gave it to my T.. I couldn't make myself say the words to tell the secret. I forced myself to give him the note.. It was frightening and awful but in the end at least one other person in the world knew what had happened. It was terrible watching him read it.. I wouldn't let him read it out loud. But I was accepted, I wasn't shamed and was told (again) it wasn't my fault. I understand and am sorry you are going through all of this.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 22, 2007, at 8:44:52
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now » llurpsienoodle, posted by RealMe on November 21, 2007, at 23:04:21
Thank you all for your kind advice. I am always amazed how much thought and heart goes into replies to my pitiful threads.
Maybe one of the things that will help is for me to write about it in my journal to practice telling T.
I just have to be careful not to get too introspective. introspection leads to self-destruction, unless I'm in that safety zone of the comfy couch.
The problem is that I have been alone with this for so long that I feel like Gollum hoarding his precious, even as it destroys him.
I will respond to you all individually if I get a chance to today. I dunno if that's realistic, but I'll try.
I hope you all have happy thanksgivings. turkey stupor and stuffed with stuffing.
-Ll
ps I made it through the night without incident. well ...some crying and I had to explain to h that T was pretty hard today. I didn't elaborate, but he gave me a hug and snuggled me (((((h)))))
Posted by Dory on November 22, 2007, at 9:05:34
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 22, 2007, at 8:44:52
i'm sorry sweetie. of course you get heart felt replies... you've got such a tender heart and you pour it out for people to help them. Not one word of malice from you - ever.
i am so sorry this is so hard for you. i think practicing telling T through journallig is agood idea. i write letters to T every day.. i don't always mean for him to ever get them, but addressing him in the letters is beneficial anyway.
you could also draw.. doesn't have to be "pictures of" but it could be just drawing your feelings.. making colour marks about how you feel. Paint what sad looks like.
make a list of how you are different now, postive differences. How have you won. The best revenge is excellence.
i don't know.. maybe none of this would help.
i just wanted to say that Ll, you are one of the brightest stars. You're warm, friendly, sensitve and very smart. i wish i had your grace.
Posted by Muffled on November 22, 2007, at 9:44:27
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 22, 2007, at 8:44:52
Llurpy you are so NOT pitiful. (((Lurpy)))
You have been working SO hard to keep going.
Your not pitiful, you are an amamzing woman!
I was thinking...bout telling stuff, and maybe Daisy knows.
But I not sure how you might do it.
I kinda said some stuff, kinda accidentally.
Finished a T session where I said nothing, went away to think or something, got 'pics' in my head that wouldn't go away, pannicked, coped badly, went BACK to T's office, and wonder of wonders, she HAD A NO SHOW!!! so she had time for me, and this all is SO NOT ME, to go back like that, but I was crazed, and I said a thing or two, OUTSIDE, where it was safer, even though a work crew nearby proly thot I was nuts (;-}!!!). I was sitting and rocking and looking like amonkey covering my head I think.
Anyhow, my T DIDN'T RUN. She WASN'T horrified. She didn't think I was bad, or gross. She didn't try to come closer to me. She just sat there and encouraged me. Then she took me to have a coffee! ((( T ))).
So I dunno what exactly I accomplished, other than like Daisy said, the reality hurts alot. But it all explains SO much. I still kinda messed.
But my T says its better to say, and get reassurace, and not carry it alone, and that evrything is less scarey in the light.
This is long, sorry. I dunno even what I am trying to say....
Just trying to encourage you to be safe I guess. Be careful when you think about "stuff", have a SAFE PLAN *written down* where you can access it and read it to keep safe if you are triggered badly.
I think thinking tends to be muddled when triggered.
Maybe others have some good ideas.
Anyhow, lotsa people say 'baby steps', and I think they right.
Take care, glad you marching on,
You a good friend,
Muffled
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 10:10:58
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now » llurpsienoodle, posted by RealMe on November 21, 2007, at 23:04:21
> Sure be like me; don't talk to T about it, and then like me you get to revisit it 20 years later. Hum--not a good plan, and if I had known then what I know now, I would have taken the bull by the horns. I think lots of us have stuff that is really dark and horrible, and I don't want to share with T, but today when I told him I did not want to get into horrible stuff and he indicated it still haunts me, I said, "you don't want to go there." He said maybe he didn't want to go there anymore than I do, but I have been there and go there alone, and he wants to go there with me so I won't be alone with it. He let me know no matter what, he can handle it. I told him I am scared, and he looks at me so intently it is painful.
***yeah. it's the intent gaze that is so troublesome. Like he can see into the darkest recesses of my heart>I started to feel closer to him again today, and then I went to work and just worked on reports and actually started to dissociate; almost fell off my chair and wrote stuff in the report that was my stuff. I always proof my repots, and went omg. So, I feel I have to protect myself somehow, but I can't just ignore what has reared it's ugly head either. It doesn't work. This is the voice of experience, unfortunately.
And your experience means a lot to me. It's a very interesting perspective, and your advice is really valuable to me. Trauma memories would be FINE if they could stay localized, but at some point they tend to bleed over, into everyday experience, and that's the scary part.
-Ll
Posted by RealMe on November 22, 2007, at 11:08:17
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now » RealMe, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 10:10:58
Lurpsie
I have to trust that my T knows what he is talking about. He told me it would bleed out for awhile. He also said the time will come when it won't bleed out of the therpy hour. So, what I do now is to do paper work after therapy. I don't see any clients right after therapy.
RealMe
Posted by llurpsienoodLe on November 22, 2007, at 11:33:51
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by Muffled on November 21, 2007, at 23:44:27
> Can it be any worse to tell it to your T, than having it eat at you from the inside? Maybe it is time to let some light into the dark.I don't want to have a full-on melt-down in front of T. My early childhood taught me not to cry. It was very reinforced. For me crying in front of T is pretty terrifying.
> And LL. You SO not cold and callous, you are just protecting yourself.
T said that my lack of pity for my dad is not because I'm heartless, but rather because I still have a lot of anger towards him. I have never been able to master my anger towards dad and brother. I direct it inwards, or towards my mom.
> It can be OK, I am sure of this. You made it this far.
> I dunno why people are so worried bout forgiving people and stuff. Maybe sometimes its best to let them go....
> Not a bad thing maybe, but maybe necessary? I dunno.Let them go is one thing. wanting them to die is another. With my dad being so decrepit and sick letting him go is tantamount to wanting him dead.
> I just want you to be OK LL.
> I want you to understand that you have worked VERY hard to get as far as you have.
> I think you got what it takes to keep going thru this crap.
> Please phone your T as necc, and/or take a page from B2 story, and if it ever gets bad enuf, hosp is NOT the end of the world...Yeah, B2C has a good story. She inspires me. She's a strong woman.
I told my T that I would cut out the acting-out sh*t about a month ago, and I haven't hurt myself since then, so I think I'm getting stronger
> Take good care,
> Hope I not say dumb stuff.NEVER!!!
-Ll
> (((((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))
> Muffled
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 11:58:56
In reply to Re: this has been coming - trigger » llurpsienoodle, posted by Daisym on November 22, 2007, at 1:33:18
Daisym I have to be reminded that it wasn't my fault, but my T isn't saying that often enough. I need to give some more time before I trust him enough with this one.
I'm lucky, because I know he will come around and be there for me. ((t))
He's not as nurturing as my oldT. I wish I could have her around, just to help me process this particular poison.
It's making me sick. I have a headache (((poor llurpy)))
I'm gonna take it easy today. how about you- turkey baking?
-Ll
Posted by llurpSieNoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:00:57
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by star008 on November 22, 2007, at 7:23:32
> I hate the laundry.. Nasty stuff soaking in there. I finally wrote my down and gave it to my T.. I couldn't make myself say the words to tell the secret. I forced myself to give him the note.. It was frightening and awful but in the end at least one other person in the world knew what had happened. It was terrible watching him read it.. I wouldn't let him read it out loud. But I was accepted, I wasn't shamed and was told (again) it wasn't my fault. I understand and am sorry you are going through all of this.
That sounds excrutiating. I think that even writing it down for my own eyes will be enough to make me vomit. it's that bad.
Thank you for your understanding. It's really nice to meet you, by the way. welcome to babble (unless I'm making a dumb mistake and you are a former poster who has changed names?)
take care,
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:05:41
In reply to (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle))))))))))))) » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Dory on November 22, 2007, at 9:05:34
> i'm sorry sweetie. of course you get heart felt replies... you've got such a tender heart and you pour it out for people to help them. Not one word of malice from you - ever.
thank you Dory, I have malicious thoughts though I try not to express them in a malicious way.
>
> i am so sorry this is so hard for you. i think practicing telling T through journallig is agood idea. i write letters to T every day.. i don't always mean for him to ever get them, but addressing him in the letters is beneficial anyway.I responded above that I'm scared of vomiting if I even write it out. it is nauseating. letters are good. I used to write my pdoc letters, and it helped a lot.
>
> you could also draw.. doesn't have to be "pictures of" but it could be just drawing your feelings.. making colour marks about how you feel. Paint what sad looks like.
>I can play the violin. a sad one. Something like carolan's farewell or the second mvmt of Tchaikovsky vln concerto. mournful. but I'm afraid that it will spiral me into some dark and depressed place. I'm vulnerable to depressive reactions that take on a life of their own.
> make a list of how you are different now, postive differences. How have you won. The best revenge is excellence.
Maybe I'll post on self-esteem?
>
> i don't know.. maybe none of this would help.
>you have GOOD ideas. thank you for helping :)
> i just wanted to say that Ll, you are one of the brightest stars. You're warm, friendly, sensitve and very smart. i wish i had your grace.
haha us Southern Ladies are renowned for our grace. (as I slump before the computer slurping my ginger ale)
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2007, at 12:35:53
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:05:41
Lurpsie just wanted to say you're an incredibly intelligent person and have accomplished so much this year you will make it. Phillipa
Posted by Muffled on November 22, 2007, at 12:53:31
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:05:41
funny you should mention vomit.
I have scoped out the location of the garbage can in my T's office for that very reason, its even got a bag liner in it. How fortuitous.
FWIW, I don't cry either in front of others. Never ever in front of T.
I seldom cry period.
Its not considered a permitted emotion in my book anyhow I guess. Its OK for OTHERS of course, but it does make me somewhat uncomfortable, cuz its strange to me. But I don't mind.
A time or two my T has had waterineye, but she hides it away fast. Mostly I rarely look at her so who knows.
I think mebbe the first time telling may be hardest, but after that, when you have experiencd acceptance, well, maybe its better some?
Maybe can you go into scientist mode, and talk dispassionately in the third person? Maybe consciously check emots and put them away at the door?
Talk about THAT KID. Separate her from yourself. She was who she was. You, the adult LL, are a diff person now. I dunno, maybe I give you dysfunctional suggestions?
Geeze, I wish I had better stuff to say.
Tell me if I am annoying.
Take care,
Gingerale is good.
M
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 13:00:02
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » llurpsienoodle, posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2007, at 12:35:53
Thanks for your support P,
It's easy to forget how far I've come. a year ago... I know so much more than I used to. By all standards, I'm doing well. Aside from the occasional PTSD flareup, I'm stable etc. I posted on self-esteem about how therapy has changed me."I can't find anything wrong with you" That's what my T told me for 8 weeks before my last episode, and now I'm doing well and using all my tools to stay healthy despite my dad's relapse.
I have better coping mechanisms too. thank GOD for that. and thank babble!
warm thanksgiving wishes,
-Ll
Posted by star008 on November 22, 2007, at 17:45:12
In reply to Re: this has been coming on for a couple days now » star008, posted by llurpSieNoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:00:57
Yes, writing it down and giving it to him was excruciating but I had to make Gollum give up the nasty jewel he was hiding. I do know how hard it is for you. But give it some more thought. You can work on everything but there will still be this huge monster hiding in your closet. And the monster bleeds through everything. I beleive you when you say it is a terrible thing but lots of us have terrible things. You aren't alone in that. Some of them make me want to puke too..But when you tell someone else you will find that they still accept you..What if you told your therapist the general situation and how you are holding back this awful secret and see how that goes.? Little steps.. hugs
thanks for your welcome.. Yes, I am new. 47 y/o female from ohio
Posted by cactus on November 22, 2007, at 17:56:56
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » Phillipa, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 13:00:02
Li hang in there hon, you can get through this, if you're able to read my above posts with CS and muffled I totally understand. You will get thought this. Just hold onto all the inner strength that you have already pulled from, you have already shown amazing resilience, I know you can do this. Peace sweety, C. Don't read my above posts if you're feeling even slightly twitchy OK. Luv ya hon
Posted by Dory on November 22, 2007, at 20:10:13
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 12:05:41
i'm sorry that whatever it is hurts and scares you so. :o(
maybe a new tactic then.. maybe you need to put all your energy into thinking of positive stuff only. i'm guessing the other stuff will find its own way out.
take care of Llurpsie
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 20:24:26
In reply to Re: (((((llllllluuurrrpppsssiiieeeNoOdle)))))))))) » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dory on November 22, 2007, at 20:10:13
no, it's not from rooting on the ____ (insert name of football team) or from eating too much cheesecake.
I think I have a RhinoVirus. RoaR
Seriously though, I'm taking good care of me. It was hard to playact my way through social events that really bored me to tears. I get lost in some reverie and then realize that my daydreaming is not so innocent... then I shudder. H asks me if I'm cold? I say "sorta". cold in my heart.
I think I'm over the trigger. The cold is giving me something else to think about.
happy tgiving.
-Ll
Posted by Muffled on November 22, 2007, at 22:21:26
In reply to llrp has a sore throat, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 20:24:26
Sorry Lurpy got virus :-(
Now can you remember ONE thing for me?>I think I'm over the trigger.
REMEMBER this! Triggers can hit SO fast and SO hard, and DO take time to ease, but they DO EASE. At the time they blow our minds, but we need to remember IT DOES PASS. It gets easier for a bit, we can breath....until the next hit :-(
But I think we grow ever stronger for it all.
And I think with time, we get better and can live better, and do more with our lives that we would like to do.
Sigh, remind me of this next time I freak out eh?
M
Posted by cactus on November 22, 2007, at 23:44:05
In reply to llrp has a sore throat, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 22, 2007, at 20:24:26
I have a bizarre notion about sore throats, it's sore because there's something you need to say and haven't said it yet. Luv ya guts, C. And you can always tell me to go jump because a lot of people don't like that kind of theory.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 13:45:15
In reply to Re: llrp has a sore throat » llurpsienoodle, posted by cactus on November 22, 2007, at 23:44:05
> I have a bizarre notion about sore throats, it's sore because there's something you need to say and haven't said it yet. Luv ya guts, C. And you can always tell me to go jump because a lot of people don't like that kind of theory.
I also subscribe to this theory, and have noticed that after a traumatizing moment has passed, the sore throat often resolves itself quickly, i.e., not of the cold or flu variety, but more of the muscular tightening of holding back all those emotions.
It's where I get all choked up during therapy, too; either there or in my heart. T says getting choked up in the throat means there's stuff that I'm trying to say but I can't get it out yet. Makes *perfect* sense to me :-)CS
Posted by rskontos on November 24, 2007, at 10:37:24
In reply to Re: llrp has a sore throat » cactus, posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 13:45:15
Yeah, I have the same notion. LL I am sorry you are in this deep place. I hear your pain. My father just left and I am in the deep numb place where no one can hurt you state. The problem is I usually can't emerge from that place very well. I have dissociated so badly to get through this Tday and I was so MAD i just went numb. My father had so much negative things to say I want to just yell a not nice word at him so I had to go numb. I started staring at him last night and just had to quit that so.....man I hate the holidays. I also decided I don't like my brother inlaw. He brings out something unpleasant in my memories that I dont really remember. My others remember and they don't like him so I am uneasy the whole time I am around him. Not good you know. I am so sorry I have hijacked this thread.
This is about LL not me. My T is also making me mad. But that is another thread I havent had the energy to write.
I agree with Real me and the others that you probably need to let it out but I do know it is hard. I have memories I will one day need to let out I just dont remember them now. I only hope I am brave like you at the time. YOu are brave LL. And hey we are two Southern ladies I knew we shared a bond. So I hope to be as brave and walk tall and strong like you when I am close to the point you are. YOu have made good progress. I think the memories are knocking on your door because they need to be dealt with and no it will not be easy but then this whole therapy thing is no picnic. But you can do it........rk
I hope I made sense and I am hoping Båbble can help me feel again. If I didn't make sense ignore my ramblings.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 27, 2007, at 17:18:33
In reply to this has been coming on for a couple days now, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 21, 2007, at 22:05:22
I'm not doing so hot.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/797325.html
same theme different day
This is the end of the thread.
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