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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on June 24, 2007, at 11:54:49
This is one that I could post on Working, Eating or Students, but I figured that since I just talked about wanting to be perfect in therapy that it belongs here.
I told my T that I need an A in the class I'm taking. She said you don't need an A, you want an A. She said no one is going to ask to see your report card, the only person who thinks you need an A is you. Well, yes I do think I need an A and if I get a B aren't I failing myself for not being my best? Hey, I'm going to tell her that tomorrow. Wish I had thought of it last week.
I also need to lose 10 pounds. Anxiety causes me to eat and I've allowed myself to gain weight. Not a good thing for someone with an ED. T, of course, does not see me as being fat. Okay, I am the only one who sees me as being fat, but I need to be thinner. I know my body will never look perfect, but it can look better and what is wrong with that?
I also am triple checking what I do at work and even so errors are getting through that I missed. T says I won't get fired for minor mistakes, but the fear of failure hits me everytime someone points out something I did wrong.
Also evidentially normal people don't rip up three post-it notes because they didn't like what they wrote. I guess I need to be perfect in post-its, too. Probably why I haven't written a poem in months, can't get that right either. I hate this, but I can't stop wanting to be perfect either.
Poet
Posted by muffled on June 24, 2007, at 14:36:27
In reply to Perfectionism, posted by Poet on June 24, 2007, at 11:54:49
Posted by Racer on June 24, 2007, at 15:50:03
In reply to Perfectionism, posted by Poet on June 24, 2007, at 11:54:49
"Good enough never is."
THAT, my treasured friend, is a really damaging way to see the world. Hm... I'll bet you can think of others you might know -- and claim to like -- who have that problem, too.
Other than SSRI-related apathy, which seems to be working pretty well for me these days -- well, maybe "working" isn't the right concept -- there are some things that can help with this sort of thinking. For one thing, I remind myself constantly that if nothing is ever Good Enough, I'll never experience any real pleasure, any real satisfaction. And I like to experience pleasure AND satisfaction. One thing I've gotten pretty good at is looking at smaller chunks. The whole dress doesn't need to be perfect in every detail to be Good Enough -- if the way the sleeves are sewn in makes me happy, makes me proud of myself, that's Good Enough.
Wanna know how well it's worked so far? I made myself a skirt, and not only did I say, "I did a good job on this, and am proud of the results" to my T and my husband, I even said it to my MOTHER! AND I didn't qualify it when I said it. THAT, my dear, was one heckuva'n accomplishment.
Now, ask me if I felt authentic saying it? Weeeeellll.... What I felt was nervous. It was hard to say it, but that was mostly about SAYING it, not MEANING it. It is possible to learn to mean that when you say it. And it's also possible to learn to say it.
So, darling one, how about picking something small, something less significant, and saying, "I did that well, and I am proud of my accomplishment." Just for practice?
If you practice for a while, you can be pretty darn good at it in a short time. I promise. And you know I *AM* perfect!
xoxo
Posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 16:46:45
In reply to My mother's motto was... » Poet, posted by Racer on June 24, 2007, at 15:50:03
I must be weird-- I always rip up little notes four and five times. Yah-- I am weird, so this may not help. But at least you're not alone in your weirdness, Poet. That helps a little, I hope.
I rip up notes that say, "Hi, I was around and stopped by your office to say hello"-- cause I repeated Hi and hello-- and maybe saying I was "around" is too vague/or ungrammatical, plus I should make it sound more personal-- like say something that's about that person and what I wanted to say to them...... etc etc etc
Not to mention if my handwriting isn't good-- or if in trying to make it good, it got too awkward looking--
or lots of other reasons.
So, you probably aren't anywhere near as weird as I am. Cause you might be saying something more complicated in your notes-- and those I;ve given up on writing, cause they're way beyond me.
Honore
Posted by DAisym on June 24, 2007, at 20:04:48
In reply to Perfectionism, posted by Poet on June 24, 2007, at 11:54:49
I've spent my life trying to be perfect -- even in therapy. Some people have parents who are not supportive and don't think they will amount to much. *I* on the other hand, have parents who thought I could do anything and everything. I grew up hearing that I had what it takes to be the best -- and now they wonder why I'm not "living up to my potential." I fear mistakes because then my "real" potential will be seen.
So I get it. Totally and completely.
I think Racer is on to something though. Be proud of your own effort, not just the finished product. If you do the best you can, and still get a B, then you should be very proud of that B. I think how well we can do changes each day, so somedays we do A-work and other days we do B-work, but it is still the best we can do that day. And wanting to be perfect can be paralyzing - we become afraid to do anything, just in case it isn't perfect. Believe me, it is better to do something, even if it is B-work, than nothing. Nothing is an F...
Anyway, now that I've tortured your example to death, I want to say that I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself and appreciate all the great things you've done.
Take care,
Daisy
Posted by Sigismund on June 25, 2007, at 3:29:18
In reply to Re: Ripping up post-its, posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 16:46:45
When I was growing up the aim was to be perfect, just like Jesus.
That meant no negative emotions, which didn't work very well in practice.
Perfect is an interesting idea, and as I grow older I have less and less idea of what it really means.
Maybe it meant nothing really, just like the pictures of the Guardian Angels who were looking after us, and the idea that God gives us no more suffering than we can bear.
Some things are devoid of meaning, do you think?Of course Poet, you were talking about something else.
My mother tried to be perfect and ended up with agitated depression, which I want to avoid.
Posted by confuzyq on June 25, 2007, at 3:47:21
In reply to Re: Ripping up post-its, posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 16:46:45
...i live alone and even work from home, but if i write a post-it reminder note to *myself* and see an error in it... i HAVE to rip and re-do!! even tho it would in no way obstruct my ability to remember what i meant.
(tho obviously, i'm learning to allow myself to skip niceties like capitalization, amongst friends and the forum-savvy!)
it's like that valuable advice we all got about wearing clean underwear in case we were in an accident... what if I WAS in an accident and someone was weeding through my apartment for me, and saw any post-its to self that said "Pick clothes up from taylor" instead of "tailor!" no one would EVER remember me as the same intelligent person they always thought i was, right??? ;-)
Posted by muffled on June 25, 2007, at 11:00:54
In reply to Re: I rip up post-its to MYSELF!!, posted by confuzyq on June 25, 2007, at 3:47:21
Posted by Phillipa on June 25, 2007, at 23:24:36
In reply to Re: I rip up post-its to MYSELF!!, posted by confuzyq on June 25, 2007, at 3:47:21
Yup I've always wanted to be perfect too. For a while I thought I was . Guess what I'm not never have been never will be and the truffles have to go. Love Phillipa
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:28:21
In reply to My mother's motto was... » Poet, posted by Racer on June 24, 2007, at 15:50:03
Hi Racer,
As always my brain flashes to a movie and this time it's *They Might Be Giants* when George C. Scott as Holmes tells Joanne Woodward as Dr. Watson to keep repeating *I am adequate.*
Here goes...I am perf...I am per...I am ade...I am adequate. It just doesn't have the same ring as I am perfect, but at least I can accomplish adequate.
Poet
p.s. I know you're perfect. I don't have to repeat that over and over. Bet the skirt is perfect and fits you perfectly well.
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:34:48
In reply to Re: Ripping up post-its, posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 16:46:45
Hi Honore,
I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. I re-write notes to myself, too, like ConfuzyQ does.
The post-its I rip up include phone numbers where even though I know in my bad handwriting its a 9 that looks like a 7 I still re-write it. I guess I'm assuming that I am so dumb I will forget how to read my own handwriting?
I promise never to write a post-it to you, just posts.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:38:00
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » Poet, posted by DAisym on June 24, 2007, at 20:04:48
Hi Daisy,
You are very right that wanting to be perfect can be paralyzing. There are things that I won't try because I know I can't do them right. Though on the other hand I beat my head into the ground trying to get jobs, so it's not like I don't try at some impossible things.
You and Racer are right I do need to find things that I do well, it's just that my brains comes up with 100 things I do badly for everyone one thing I do well.
Why do I do this to myself?
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:40:38
In reply to Perfect, posted by Sigismund on June 25, 2007, at 3:29:18
Hi Sigismund,
Perhaps perfect is devoid of meaning? What I think is perfect others might not. Hmm, now I want to be perfect at philosophy, too. Argh.
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:44:39
In reply to Re: I rip up post-its to MYSELF!!, posted by confuzyq on June 25, 2007, at 3:47:21
Hi Confuzyq,
I do rip up post-its to myself, too. I mean it's just a note that I am going to stick on my car keys saying something like *bread.* Not even bread with a fiber content of 4 grams or more. Just plain bread.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Though I do appreciate the company. As I said to Honore I promise not to write you a post-it, just posts. Don't you hate it when you thought you posted something error free and then you re-read it after its been put on the site and you see a mistake?
Poet
Posted by Poet on June 26, 2007, at 20:45:26
In reply to So Poet...you got company I'd say!!! (nm), posted by muffled on June 25, 2007, at 11:00:54
Posted by Poet on June 27, 2007, at 9:51:40
In reply to Re: I rip up post-its to MYSELF!!, posted by Phillipa on June 25, 2007, at 23:24:36
Hi Phillipa,
I know I'll never be perfect, but that sure doesn't stop me from driving myself crazier trying.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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