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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
i don't cry.. not often anyway. but i am sobbing so hard. i don't know what to do or think.. i hurt so bad.
Up until last week i thought i knew exactly what i wanted and exactly how i felt, where i stood. Now i am lost, so lost. It was not what i expected at all. The old person i knew came to visit, not the one i grew to dislike. Imagine someone you loved who had died just showed up at your door. That's what it has been like... i am torn apart.
now imagine that loved one had died a long painful illness, and it made you both suffer horribly. You have a choice... say goodbye to him/her and let them fade away again, or run the risk of them dying the same way all over again, putting you both through tremendous pain.
that is where i am. oh god this hurts so much. i am all alone today.. no one to turn to. i don't know what to do. It wouldn't feel as pressing except there is an opportunity for that loved one that would make his/her "afterlife" so much better.. without me. i can't put someone else's life on hold, but i couldn't be a part of that afterlife either... i have to make choices soon...
oh god what do i do? who do i turn to even? i can't talk to T.. and now i listen to that voicemail and i resent him.
what is going to happen to me? i have so few choices in making a life for myself... do i want to do that alone? do i screw up someone else until i decide?
i am such a screw up. i try so hard and all that happens is that i suffer more... and i make everyone around me suffer. i really am poison.. i feel bad he ever met me. Why was i even born?
please...dear god..make this stop.
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 11:13:51
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 11:31:46
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
Posted by Honore on May 26, 2007, at 11:43:10
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
Hi, gazo.
Try to remember that the old person you loved really isn't there in a consistent way. There's nothing more destructive and wrenching than this kind of inconsistency-- nothing that rips up the psyche worse than the promise of hope, that appears suddenly, unexpectedly, and then, without warning, is torn away.
That's what's happening now-- your H has come back, suddenly and unexpectedly kind and loving--and given you hope. I wouldn't be surprised if this weren't the pattern that keeps you under his control, trapped, stuck in this love/hate paradox, caught by the inability to move away-- because when you do, suddenly the old, loveable H reappears.
I hope that someday, you'll be able to withstand that terrible chimerical hope-- and find solid hope-- the kind that leads to good thing-- not to another traumatic rupture.
I know that right now you resent your T-- he's abandoned you-- and isn't there to provide that bridge, even if it's not the most stable bridge, to a different future. But he'll be back-- and I think when he comes back, the estrangement and disappointment, and hurt will fade away-- but you'll continue with him. Maybe you're not ready to hear that-- I hope it doesn't annoy you for me to be so persistent in saying that you'll connect to him again, and better. But I do think you will.
Just hang in there-- it's a little more than week-- which I know seems forever-- but the days will pass.
Honore
Posted by Happyflower on May 26, 2007, at 11:44:02
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
Hey Gazo,
What is going on? I think I might know, but I am not sure about the afterlife stuff. Is this about the person who will be leaving soon?
If it were me, if you are talking about what I think you are, I would just wait and see how things go for awhile. No decisions need to be made right away in that case. Do you want to talk in chat right now, I am there for a bit before my I have to go. Talk to us, gazo, I am glad you are reaching out.
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 11:49:54
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god, posted by Happyflower on May 26, 2007, at 11:44:02
My interrpretation is that your husband left and then showed back up am I correct? Love Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on May 26, 2007, at 11:52:31
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god, posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 11:49:54
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 13:02:08
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god, posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 11:49:54
please...i am trying to not include direct facts..please respect my attempts for that
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 14:03:52
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god » gazo, posted by Honore on May 26, 2007, at 11:43:10
> Try to remember that the old person you loved really isn't there in a consistent way. There's nothing more destructive and wrenching than this kind of inconsistency-- nothing that rips up the psyche worse than the promise of hope, that appears suddenly, unexpectedly, and then, without warning, is torn away.i know, oh god how i know... and i am damaged so much i just can't even think anymore.
>
>suddenly and unexpectedly kind and loving--and given you hope. I wouldn't be surprised if this weren't the pattern that keeps you trapped, stuck in this love/hate paradox, caught by the inability to move away--not exactly because it's not really deliberate... it's illness based. There isn't any pattern at all.. none.
> I hope that someday, you'll be able to withstand that terrible chimerical hope-- and find solid hope-- the kind that leads to good thing-- not to another traumatic rupture.
me too... something somehow..but i can't let go either. i am damaged damaged damged. i am pathetic.
>
> I know that right now you resent your T-- he's abandoned you-- and isn't there to provide that bridge, even if it's not the most stable bridge, to a different future.there is definitely that, but right now the resentment is out of loyalty elsewhere. i feel protective, like T is a threat.. or like he is bda mouthing. Right this minute... like right now.. i would leave here.. leave everything, even T to go there. i have been crawling on my hands and knees across barren land... this has been the first oasis. T is a threat to it.. i have 6 days to figure that one out.
>But he'll be back-- and I think when he comes back, the estrangement and disappointment, and hurt will fade away-- but you'll continue with him. Maybe you're not ready to hear that-- I hope it doesn't annoy you for me to be so persistent in saying that you'll connect to him again, and better. But I do think you will.i'm not annoyed honore..i appreciate your thoughts.. even if i am paranoid. i don't seem to be able to internalize that the connection will return but i'll have to wait and see.
the big thing is the dual universe problem. T is in one and the probs are in another.. with him on vacation the two never intersected. That is a big problem. When he comes back i can't relate to the other universe, this week i was unable to relate to his universe. Voicemail seemedlike it was from a stranger and i couldn't connect with his words..
>
> Just hang in there-- it's a little more than week-- which I know seems forever-- but the days will pass.
>
> Honore
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 14:05:22
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god, posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 11:49:54
i'm sorry.. i shouldn't have snapped at you. i am asking people try to remain more indirect because i fear this being found.
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 14:08:19
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god, posted by Happyflower on May 26, 2007, at 11:44:02
thanx to both you and honore for listening in chat.. it helped some. i'm going to walmart to buy an air conditioner and then i am going to take more klonopin, eat junk and drink. kill myself slowly with food and liquor.
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 17:29:34
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
i am trying.. between the bouts of sobbing to create a small space of comfort, a little bubble. i bought an air conditioner but have no idea how to install it.. i think it needs one circuit to itself which means i'll have to re-arrange the whole apt. i am not up to that so for now it makes an odd decoration on the floor of my living room.
i bought lindt chocolate truffles and a piece of tira misu. Later i am going to drink my bottle of wine. i'm making a pizza for supper. all the stuff i can't have rolled into one big meal. it's called comfort food for a reason.
i'm supposed to work that job tomorrow and i will, but i think it will be my one and only shift. i see one of my docs on monday and i think he will cut that job short asap. i just spent an hour on my feet at walmart and i am in pain. :o(
wine whine.
crying again. i thought a lot about what my pdoc said about me pulling an anna nichole if i wasn't careful.
why do we all do this? why do we all think it's so important to keep going? what for? i'm reading "stumbling on happiness" and the guy (a psychologist) basically says that happiness is a transient delusion.. life is so harsh that happiness is a denial of the way things really are.
i need this to stop. i need the pain to stop.
walk dogs. cool shower. pizza. place decorative cloth over air conditioner bits. make calimochos. eat chocolates and tira misu. drink more calimochos. eat klonopin. watch junk TV. hang out in chat. drink more. pass out.
sleeping on my above street patio because my new air conditioner doesn't love me.
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 19:31:26
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god » Phillipa, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 13:02:08
Gazo so sorry. Love Phillipa
Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 22:04:25
In reply to crying my face off... oh god, posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2007, at 22:32:57
In reply to i'm going to call the help line... (nm), posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 22:04:25
Gazo can I help in anyway?? Love Phillipa
Posted by sleepygirl on May 27, 2007, at 12:13:53
In reply to i'm going to call the help line... (nm), posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 22:04:25
((((gazo))))
I'm sorry you feel bad
-sg
Posted by gazo on May 27, 2007, at 16:06:41
In reply to Re: i'm going to call the help line..., posted by sleepygirl on May 27, 2007, at 12:13:53
i dialed several times but couldn't get up the nerve to talk to anyone so i took some halcion.. that along with the klonopin knocked me out. i see my pdoc wednesday.
i feel better today though anyway. i have an emotional hangover.. you know the one you get when you've cried so much you wake up with golf balls for eyes and rubber cement in your head?
thanks for listening and being supportive.
much love and peace
Posted by muffled on May 27, 2007, at 21:45:01
In reply to i'm going to call the help line... (nm), posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 22:04:25
This is the end of the thread.
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