Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 14:03:52
In reply to Re: crying my face off... oh god » gazo, posted by Honore on May 26, 2007, at 11:43:10
> Try to remember that the old person you loved really isn't there in a consistent way. There's nothing more destructive and wrenching than this kind of inconsistency-- nothing that rips up the psyche worse than the promise of hope, that appears suddenly, unexpectedly, and then, without warning, is torn away.i know, oh god how i know... and i am damaged so much i just can't even think anymore.
>
>suddenly and unexpectedly kind and loving--and given you hope. I wouldn't be surprised if this weren't the pattern that keeps you trapped, stuck in this love/hate paradox, caught by the inability to move away--not exactly because it's not really deliberate... it's illness based. There isn't any pattern at all.. none.
> I hope that someday, you'll be able to withstand that terrible chimerical hope-- and find solid hope-- the kind that leads to good thing-- not to another traumatic rupture.
me too... something somehow..but i can't let go either. i am damaged damaged damged. i am pathetic.
>
> I know that right now you resent your T-- he's abandoned you-- and isn't there to provide that bridge, even if it's not the most stable bridge, to a different future.there is definitely that, but right now the resentment is out of loyalty elsewhere. i feel protective, like T is a threat.. or like he is bda mouthing. Right this minute... like right now.. i would leave here.. leave everything, even T to go there. i have been crawling on my hands and knees across barren land... this has been the first oasis. T is a threat to it.. i have 6 days to figure that one out.
>But he'll be back-- and I think when he comes back, the estrangement and disappointment, and hurt will fade away-- but you'll continue with him. Maybe you're not ready to hear that-- I hope it doesn't annoy you for me to be so persistent in saying that you'll connect to him again, and better. But I do think you will.i'm not annoyed honore..i appreciate your thoughts.. even if i am paranoid. i don't seem to be able to internalize that the connection will return but i'll have to wait and see.
the big thing is the dual universe problem. T is in one and the probs are in another.. with him on vacation the two never intersected. That is a big problem. When he comes back i can't relate to the other universe, this week i was unable to relate to his universe. Voicemail seemedlike it was from a stranger and i couldn't connect with his words..
>
> Just hang in there-- it's a little more than week-- which I know seems forever-- but the days will pass.
>
> Honore
poster:gazo
thread:759621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/759651.html