![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 16:12:57
I know if I weren't so medicated that I'd be suicidal right now. I've just turned something in that is not quite perfect. It's just a draft. But it's not quite perfect. I don't know how to make it perfect.
Strong part of me wants punishment right now.
Good thing I'm medicated, huh?
I apologize for being lame non-supportive Noodle lately. I've been quite dizzy from all the stuff that needed doing. All the family drama. Which continues to unfold as we come to believe that another in our family is psycho like me and not seeking treatment. resisting treatment.
I'm happy to end the culture of silence that predominates my family. I've cultivated it for so long that to break those rules, like telling family member that s/he needs help. like telling mom about the bad things that continue to affect her beloved daughter.
Truth will set you free. but sometimes feels more like free-falling.
I didn't communicate too well with my doctor today. I wanted what he couldn't give me. (general anaesthesia) and he told me to do something else instead. Now I'm just waiting. Can't belive that... Well. I'm just in shock on so many levels.
I don't know where to start, or where to end.
-Ll
Posted by Honore on May 2, 2007, at 16:58:37
In reply to surge of icky feelings **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 16:12:57
Ugh, Llurps. I really do know how unbearable that feeling is-- if it helps you could print out another draft and burn it-- or tear it to shreds, so as not to start a forest fire.
I've destroyed a number of drawings that I'd worked on a lot just because I had to stop when they were too icky, and I couldn't stand to have them there in the world like that. It was like a part of me was too ugly to live.
I'm not sure what to do, ever-- other than destroy them-- which you by no means should do-- I'm glad it's turned in-- maybe burn it in effigy-- well, not burn (see above, forest fires).
And I'm so so sorry about your family, and everything you've have to go through. Isn't there some music that would help. Some Mahler--or Bruckner? Or Schubert?
Will you tell what your pdoc suggested? maybe it's not the worst idea?
Would a few extra hugs help? cause you can have them.
Honore
Posted by scratchpad on May 2, 2007, at 18:54:56
In reply to surge of icky feelings **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 16:12:57
Dear Llurps,
This is why I have no children. This is why my sister has no children. Between the two of us, we figured out (without talking to each other) that we could only stop the generational perpetuation of trauma and suffering by stopping the cycle of the family ourselves.
Our brothers' own children have proved that the troubles will continue. Both of their sons are on psychotropic medications.I've often said that some peed in our gene pool.
sp
Posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 20:45:37
In reply to surge of icky feelings **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 16:12:57
Llurpsie,
I don't know if this will help, but I'm going to tell you a secret that I promise is really truly true: It is ok if your draft is not perfect. In fact, it's probably better than if it had been perfect. It means you can get it done, get it turned in, and continue living. No one needs perfect from you, except that one part of you. You know that, right? The changes they really *need* from you, they'll tell you about, and then you can make them.
And here's another secret: even if your final dissertation isn't perfect, hardly anyone will know it, and you'll still get your degree, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you after that. You'll be a Dr. Llurpsie forever after. And that isn't any less true or valid if your dissertation isn't perfect.
Good luck with this stuff, and with your mom. Take your Ts advice, and be very good to yourself. You have a whole freaking lot on your plate at the moment. Anyone would be stressed.
many safe hugs and well wishes.
peg
Posted by canadagirl on May 2, 2007, at 20:49:29
In reply to surge of icky feelings **triggers**, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 16:12:57
That must feel horrible, after all the work you have done, to not even be able to feel a sense of accomplishment and the least bit of happiness about it. Well I will feel that for you, hang in there, you have done good work, with all you have been through, you deserve a medal. Perfect is unattainable in this life and we just do the best we can. I'm sure your work is spectacular compared to many others'.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 22:46:15
In reply to Re: surge of icky feelings **triggers**, posted by canadagirl on May 2, 2007, at 20:49:29
Dear all,
Thank you for your kind messages. You are each and everyone right (except for the peeing in the gene pool part, and the Honore's ugly drawings part).It's okay to say. I've had enough. and to stuff myself with chinese takeout. Good chinese takeout, where they yell at each other with ferocious Cantonese growls, and yet give us night after night of the finest chinese takeout ever created.
It's okay to say. Life is worth living, even if it's not perfect.
It's okay to say. I don't like the way this scarf is turning out. pull the yarn out and wind it back on the skein.
It's okay to say. I need some help feeling happy or at least normal again. I told pdoc that there was nothing he could do to make me feel better, that it was all psychological. He usually has to push me in that direction, but this time I figured it out myself. No more new drugs needed. current cocktail is fine.
Since you're curious, decided that LlurpsieNoodle is fine to "experiment with Klonopin", and raise my lamictal dose up to 200. gradually. I think he has a lot of faith in me. Now if I can only convince myself to take the damn klonopin. This is about the 15th time he's told me that I'm not taking enough. I take a little more everytime he tells me that I'm hitting a rough patch.
At the moment I feel really strange and faint. I think I messed up on my geodon dose. sh*t. that one is taken 4 times a day and I've only taken ... okay back. now I took 3 doses at once. oh well. that should help me fall asleep.
You are all so very kind. I wish, I could feel some sense of accomplishment. Instead I view the next task as one of almost insurmountable challenges. Even if the task is something dumb. like doing my dishes. I don't know what this is, but it's not so fun.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 15:59:31
In reply to dear everyone... » canadagirl, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 2, 2007, at 22:46:15
Llurpsie,
I think you are amazing. Amazing for turning in imperfection and being OK with it. THATS GOOD. Cuz us humans are an imperfect bunch.
You have been/are going down a crazy 4WD dirt track thru uncharted bush. Theres creeks and bogs and sinkholes and logs etc etc. Mebbe you've had a little engine trouble and have had to tweak your carb settings some, mebbe change a flat, but your still going. You are like a short wheel base jeep, you just keep on grinding thru. Cutting up the logs, fording the creeks, getting help to lever yourself out of sinkholes. All thru crazy thick bush. You can't see where you going, but you keep on going. You are cutting a path thru new territory. And I think your trail thru the bush will help others going along that way too.
You have my utmost admiration, you really do.
LOL Keep on truckin'- mebbe you don't remember those bumper stickers?!
Anyhow, my thots/prayers are with you,
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2007, at 18:39:21
In reply to Bushwacking » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 15:59:31
Lurpsie I will say it again you are a remarkable person. Please give yourself some credit as not everyone here certainly not me could do what you have done and survived the added stesses. Love Phllipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 3, 2007, at 23:33:20
In reply to Re: Bushwacking, posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2007, at 18:39:21
Thanks muffled and phillipa,
y'all the best :)my advisor has to give the final okay and then i have to fix my page numbers and stoopid formatting. how awful is that?
it's like jumping the last stupid little creek. and then I get to a clearing. scary kind of clearing where there's no way out, not even the way I came through. Where will I go next? I've been a student since I was a wee one.
T told me I'll continue to have phone sessions with her. She called me Dr. ___ today. It was kind of frightening.
I still feel like a fraud, though. maybe I bought the wrong brand of bush wacker.
bush.
haha
Posted by sunnydays on May 4, 2007, at 9:10:23
In reply to Re: Bushwacking » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 3, 2007, at 23:33:20
You're not a fraud Dr. Noodle, not a fraud at all... :)
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 4, 2007, at 15:17:34
In reply to Re: Bushwacking » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on May 4, 2007, at 9:10:23
Today started off okay. I woke up an hour late. slept through alarm. I've only done that 4 times before in my life. Must be the drugs?
But I still got to my playdate on time. Me and this woman are doing art therapy together. We get together and do craft projects. Today I was knitting and unknitting. She was cutting material to make a quilt. Then she started the first row to make a snuggly afghan.
Then I went to work and got my task for the day done.
That makes me feel better.
Do you think that getting projects done will help me sleep better?
I've basically been in fetal position, scared out of my wits with flashing images of failure, faux-pas, and shameful events flashing by at hundreds of miles an hour. crying at intervals (again, medication permitting). I cannot allow myself to relax.
Maybe I can relax tonight.my plan. LlurpsieList # 19.7 in a series of 30.54 lists.
I got everything done that I wanted to do, I think.
Relaxing Tea from Chinese merchant
nice bath with salts
a 10 minute meditation
Taking sleeping pill BEFORE I am all wound up in a sweaty panic attack knot
-Ll
I hope this helps?
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 15:30:30
In reply to Feeling a little better today » sunnydays, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 4, 2007, at 15:17:34
Posted by Phillipa on May 4, 2007, at 19:14:04
In reply to Tsk, tsk, you taking your klon?? :-) (nm), posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 15:30:30
Lurpsie Muffled is correct are you taking you special K? Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 4, 2007, at 23:19:53
In reply to Tsk, tsk, you taking your klon?? :-) (nm), posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 15:30:30
I took too much, actually. for the first time ever. Took more than a mg at a time. pretty much knocked me out and gave me horrible dreams that I was paralysed and being taken advantage of.
I'm so fudged up.
Now I'm going to try to go to bed for real.
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 23:45:04
In reply to Re: Tsk, tsk, you taking your klon?? :-) » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 4, 2007, at 23:19:53
> I took too much, actually. for the first time ever. Took more than a mg at a time. pretty much knocked me out and gave me horrible dreams that I was paralysed and being taken advantage of.
>
> I'm so fudged up.
>
> Now I'm going to try to go to bed for real.
>
>**Why did you take 'over' a mg? Did you take 3x 0.5? I found with the klon it was best to try and keep consistantly taking 2 doses/(.5)day.
With xanax it seems best for me to take as needed, as soon as I get those anxious feelings. Sometimes its just starts as innocent wormys in my tummy, then it sneaks up on me.
Try and not overdo.
Try not to overthink.
Try and give yourself a break when the opportunity arises.
Wish I could do more for you.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by lcat10 on May 5, 2007, at 22:58:22
In reply to Re: Bushwacking » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 3, 2007, at 23:33:20
Congratulations Dr. It's been since 1992 since I got my doctorate, and I went on to do a two year post-doctoral fellowship; so I guess I got to stay a student of sorts while also working for another two years. It gets better as time goes on. I will say it did seem strange being called Dr. at first, but now it is just no big deal. Do you have plans to teach or what???
> my advisor has to give the final okay and then i have to fix my page numbers and stoopid formatting. how awful is that?
>
> it's like jumping the last stupid little creek. and then I get to a clearing. scary kind of clearing where there's no way out, not even the way I came through. Where will I go next? I've been a student since I was a wee one.
>
> T told me I'll continue to have phone sessions with her. She called me Dr. ___ today. It was kind of frightening.
>
> I still feel like a fraud, though. maybe I bought the wrong brand of bush wacker.
>
> bush.
>
> haha
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 6, 2007, at 12:19:05
In reply to Re: Bushwacking » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by lcat10 on May 5, 2007, at 22:58:22
The plan right now? I still have about a half dozen papers I need to write up for publication. yuckipoops.
So, if I feel like working I have work to do. if I don't, then I can just sit around and eat jelly beans.
today is cleaning house day, though.
gotta run.
-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.