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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on April 16, 2007, at 22:53:19
I feel like a little kid right now. I just wish someone (especially my T) would wrap me up in their arms and tell me it's ok and that I'm safe and that they're not going to leave. And that they could take care of me, and fix what my parents never gave me. It just feels like there is a giant well of sadness in me, and it's just bottomless.
Does this therapy stuff ever get any easier?
not so sunnydays
Posted by 10derHeart on April 17, 2007, at 17:47:55
In reply to feeling like a little kid, posted by sunnydays on April 16, 2007, at 22:53:19
> I feel like a little kid right now. I just wish someone (especially my T) would wrap me up in their arms and tell me it's ok and that I'm safe and that they're not going to leave.
I know. Me, too, a lot of the time. Don't know about you, but it takes a lot out of me some days to sort of travel back and forth from competent, balanced, adult who can help others, over to hurt, confused, scared little kid who needs someone else to take care of me - right now! At least that's kinda a rough description of how it goes for me at times. Lately, lots of times. And our T's can't be there all the time and it just s*cks.
>>And that they could take care of me, and fix what my parents never gave me.
I think eventually, maybe, the reality will be that we have to learn skills to self soothe and comfort the child inside. I can't see it myself yet, don't want to believe it at times, wonder how I could ever be that skilled or strong... I dunno. But where ever we go, there we are, ya' know? Not other people, even out T's can be with us inside our heads and hearts. Ultimately, like they say about birth and death, we do these really important healing things by ourselves. I guess we just keep leaning on the bond and getting the comfort and attention we need from them until......? And that's where I get stuck.
>It just feels like there is a giant well of sadness in me, and it's just bottomless.
I always say 'bottomless pit of need' to my T., and he usually tries to reassure it may be deep but not bottomless. Not believing him yet. I'm sorry sunny, you sound like you're suffering with this more lately. Does your T. offer any suggestions?
> Does this therapy stuff ever get any easier?
great question. wish I had some kind of wise answer, but I don't. I do hear you, though.
> not so sunnydays
How's your T. feeling? Mine has his arm in a sling, which I hate looking at, but he swears he's okay. I wish peace and warmth for you - and your T., too, actually.
Posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 19:33:38
In reply to Re: feeling like a little kid » sunnydays, posted by 10derHeart on April 17, 2007, at 17:47:55
> I know. Me, too, a lot of the time. Don't know about you, but it takes a lot out of me some days to sort of travel back and forth from competent, balanced, adult who can help others, over to hurt, confused, scared little kid who needs someone else to take care of me - right now! At least that's kinda a rough description of how it goes for me at times. Lately, lots of times. And our T's can't be there all the time and it just s*cks.
**** I know. It took so much out of me to try to be competent and handle crises and do my job and go to class and be that put-together person, and I just feel absolutely drained. And I want someone to comfort me.
> I think eventually, maybe, the reality will be that we have to learn skills to self soothe and comfort the child inside. I can't see it myself yet, don't want to believe it at times, wonder how I could ever be that skilled or strong... I dunno. But where ever we go, there we are, ya' know? Not other people, even out T's can be with us inside our heads and hearts. Ultimately, like they say about birth and death, we do these really important healing things by ourselves. I guess we just keep leaning on the bond and getting the comfort and attention we need from them until......? And that's where I get stuck.
**** Yeah. And I feel like if I lean too much, he'll get sick of me and leave. I even had this awful dream last night that he didn't want to see me anymore. I just wish I could trust a little better.
> I always say 'bottomless pit of need' to my T., and he usually tries to reassure it may be deep but not bottomless. Not believing him yet. I'm sorry sunny, you sound like you're suffering with this more lately. Does your T. offer any suggestions?
**** He's trying to get me to see that a lot of things I think are feelings, and I need to try to incorporate more thinking into there, more of the rational side of me. But I get freaked out with that and think I have to be done NOW and I have to figure it out all at once. It's so hard to trust the process. And I just am so freaked out, I can't wait to see him tomorrow.
> How's your T. feeling? Mine has his arm in a sling, which I hate looking at, but he swears he's okay. I wish peace and warmth for you - and your T., too, actually.**** He's back at work, and he's doing better. But it's so hard.
-sd
Posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 22:09:56
In reply to Re: feeling like a little kid, posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 19:33:38
What is wrong with me? I feel so scared that my T will have suddenly changed his mind and that he doesn't want to see me anymore and that he's sick of me. But on Monday he was fine. But I'm so freaked out. I see him tomorrow, so I don't have to sit with it long, but I am so so so afraid that he is going to be mad at me. So scared.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2007, at 10:31:44
In reply to freaked out, posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 22:09:56
Well, it's obvious this little saga isn't really interesting anyone, but I just need to write for my own sanity even if no one reads it. My T is out today, and it's killing me. I really wanted to see him today. And it kind of feels like he must not really be sick, it must be that he's just trying to get rid of me, that he just wants me to give up. He's only been back a week since he was out for five weeks, so this is especially hard. I just wish I could hear from him that he wasn't abandoning me, but I can't call him, because I'd feel bad about bothering him when he's sick.
sunnydays
Posted by frida on April 18, 2007, at 11:16:28
In reply to no one cares, but..., posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2007, at 10:31:44
dearest sunnydays,
I am sorry you are struggling so much and feeling afraid. I sometimes feel that too...an urgency to know my T is there, she's not leaving, everything is real and i haven't lost her...
Can you email him? I think I would call, at least briefly, or leave a message...just to feel connected...when are you seeing him?He's not leaving you..i know it's hard to feel sometimes...
I understand what you mean...I often feel that way...I have to go to work and be an adult and keep myself together and I fall apart at home and feel like a little girl who wants to cry and cry and be held for hours.
Sending you support,
Frida
Posted by jammerlich on April 18, 2007, at 12:13:29
In reply to no one cares, but..., posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2007, at 10:31:44
(((sunnydays))) I'm so sorry you feel like no one is interested in what you write. I know it can be hard. I worry about it all the time....I'm worrying about it now as I watch a thread I started just sit there. But, there I people who care what I write, and there are people you care about what you write....even if they can't respond for some reason or another.
It must be awful having your T sick just after he took such a long break. Of course you feel like he's not coming back! It just makes sense. But, I promise you, he WILL be back and he will care about you just the same as he always has.
Take care, sunnydays. I hope he's back really soon.
Posted by zenhussy on April 18, 2007, at 20:18:54
In reply to no one cares, but..., posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2007, at 10:31:44
ppl DO care!
sometimes things get read and there is little to add .....as with this brain mice have the mental upper hand currently...rather than post squeeky nothings silence continues...all the while thoughts and prayers and vibes and such are put forth for posters here there and everywhere
pls do not equate lack of posts w/ lack of caring!
Posted by littleone on April 18, 2007, at 22:05:00
In reply to freaked out, posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 22:09:56
Hey sunnydays,
This has helped me before, so it might help you too.
Print out these couple of posts so you can clearly see exactly what you're upset about and exactly what you're afraid of.
Then keep an eye out for a time when you don't feel and believe these things. When this time comes, write your little kid a letter reassuring her and telling her the things she needs to hear. You know better than anyone what would help.
Then next time these fears/feelings come up for you, you can read the letter and help your little kid.
I know that when I was stuck in those feelings/beliefs I used to say "but I *always* feel/believe those things". But I don't. They come and go. Just like I'm pretty sure yours come and go too.
Like maybe if you wrote the letter when you feel real happy, or just before/after a session, or maybe just as you leave one of those really good sessions that leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy. Maybe you could even write it *in* your session with your T?
This letter trick really helps me a lot. Especially if I write it from my heart and am completely honest in it. Then I *know* that I believed my letter completely at one stage. Even if I don't on the bad day, I know I have believed it completely before and will again. It helps to remind me that I'm not stuck in that feeling permanently and that maybe I'm just not thinking real straight when all those upsetting thoughts/fears are clamouring real loud.
Posted by muffled on April 18, 2007, at 23:17:45
In reply to don't let a few days of lower activity fool you... » sunnydays, posted by zenhussy on April 18, 2007, at 20:18:54
What Zen said was right on.
I DO care.
But sometimes I post alot, other times I don't.
Somtimes I just struggle with posting and randomly post here and there and hope I can post to all but I just can't.
But I really do care, and wish you the very best.
I have felt as you do. We called it 'dumpmeitis', and yes it sucks, but I don't get it much anymore.
Hang in there.
Your T sounds OK.
My T CONSTANTLY would reassure me over and over and over that she weren't gonna dump me.
Guess after the 5,678,987 th time she told me, I finally started to maybe beleive her.
And she still there for me.
I think your T will be too.
Take care SD.
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 18, 2007, at 23:29:10
In reply to no one cares, but..., posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2007, at 10:31:44
SD, I just saw this. Don't know how I missed it earlier. I'm either not paying close enough attention or something weird is going on with my new flags, because I've missed a bunch of posts until much later and they're not showing up as new.
Anyway, sorry your T canceled on you, too.
Posted by Daisym on April 19, 2007, at 0:32:49
In reply to freaked out, posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2007, at 22:09:56
What have you done that your therapist would be angry about? I can't imagine, after everything you've said about him, that he would be mad because you miss him. He'll probably say, "isn't it nice that we care about each other enough to miss seeing each other." How would he feel if you DIDN'T miss him?
I think when you go/going to group and your individual therapist isn't around it is even harder. Who do you process the feelings that get stirred up with? How do you hold on to everything?
You need to be stern with yourself in this moment. YOU didn't make him sick or hurt. YOU are important to him. It totally is OK to feel sad when you don't/can't see him. Hold him close in your heart, write him a "get well soon" card and hang in there.
Hugs,
Daisy
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