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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 3:00:08
Tonight i had therapy. i always knew there was a lot of conflict in my system (i have DID). i remember some things that a part said.
i'm so shocked- it's so scary how much a part inside hates me and hates other parts. everything is so difficult now. Can anyone identify or help? i can't sleep- it's so upsetting.
Lately i've been having really bad flashbacks. There's so much sadness and now this. It's so strange and to have an insider so against us. So much there's critcism inside against the things i say and do. It's so hard to deal with. i heard this part before once and now again. It's so scary that she's so against me.Please say something comforting. i'm so afraid now.
Thanks for hearing,
kerria
Posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 5:03:21
In reply to In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:(, posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 3:00:08
Hi Kerria,
I don’t have DID so I don’t know if my experiences are quite the same, but I have sets of feelings that I identify as younger selves. I don’t know if it’s the same thing as having parts, but it’s certainly a real aspect of my identity at the moment.
Anyway, there’s a 13 year-old who is basically OK and wants to fit in, and likes me most of the time, although she thinks I’m totally uncool and she hates it when I do things that embarrass her. There’s also an 18 year-old who frequently despises me, but nevertheless wants me to look after her.
I think negative emotions are really hard to deal with, especially when they come from within you and are directed against you. I tend to think that most negative emotions – anger, criticism, hatred – come out of pain and fear. So maybe this very critical part is hurting and is criticising you and other parts as a way of trying to protect herself.
Do your parts talk to one another? Can you or one of your other parts ask the critical part why she’s picking on you? Maybe tell her you don’t understand why she’s being so mean to you?
It must feel awful to feel so hated. And inner conflict is never easy. Getting all the parts to play nice isn’t easy at all. But maybe you can work on ways to help them to tolerate each other and you? Just because they don’t always like what you say and do, it doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. And like the rest of us, maybe they can learn to resign themselves to other people’s imperfections.
I hope things get easier for you soon.
Tamar
Posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 8:31:59
In reply to Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:( » kerria, posted by Tamar on July 26, 2006, at 5:03:21
> Hi Kerria,
>
> I don’t have DID so I don’t know if my experiences are quite the same, but I have sets of feelings that I identify as younger selves. I don’t know if it’s the same thing as having parts, but it’s certainly a real aspect of my identity at the moment.
>
> Anyway, there’s a 13 year-old who is basically OK and wants to fit in, and likes me most of the time, although she thinks I’m totally uncool and she hates it when I do things that embarrass her. There’s also an 18 year-old who frequently despises me, but nevertheless wants me to look after her.
>
> I think negative emotions are really hard to deal with, especially when they come from within you and are directed against you. I tend to think that most negative emotions – anger, criticism, hatred – come out of pain and fear. So maybe this very critical part is hurting and is criticising you and other parts as a way of trying to protect herself.
>
> Do your parts talk to one another? Can you or one of your other parts ask the critical part why she’s picking on you? Maybe tell her you don’t understand why she’s being so mean to you?
>
> It must feel awful to feel so hated. And inner conflict is never easy. Getting all the parts to play nice isn’t easy at all. But maybe you can work on ways to help them to tolerate each other and you? Just because they don’t always like what you say and do, it doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. And like the rest of us, maybe they can learn to resign themselves to other people’s imperfections.
>
> I hope things get easier for you soon.
>
> Tamar
>
>
> Thank you Tamar so much for writing. That someone hears is comforting. It feels like no one is on my side - even me.No - i can't communicate with my parts. It's specific things that this part hates me for. i was shocked that she brought up things i forgot about a long time ago.
i wish my T didn't ask her out- he addressed 'the one inside that hated me' .
Posted by Jost on July 26, 2006, at 10:18:02
In reply to Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:(, posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 8:31:59
Hi, Kerria.
I don't have DID, or know what your T might be wanting to work on, by speaking to a part that hates you.
There have been times (and are times, although less often) when I hated myself and would think back to something I did or that happened, and build it up and not be able to stop thinking about it. When that happened it was/is very upsetting and uncomfortable. Hating myself and hating other people (or distrusting them to the point where they become so dangerous that I sort of hate them, to protect myself) doesn't last as long now-- it's more part of a day, or a few hours, then my mind somehow gets onto a different track.
(I'm not saying these people, from my childhood, weren't harmful, and didn't do bad things-- The people in your life must have done things that were very hurtful and that you needed to protect yourself from, much more than I did. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have been somewhere else, or that my sense of the as dangerous wasn't realistic-- only that it wasn't a grown-up sense, and I couldn't take care of myself.)
Maybe in DID, the parts that hate you or other people are made up from bad experiences, or times when you felt in danger, and you had to protect yourself from being too vulnerable. So you could tell yourself you were horrible, or think horrible thoughts about the dangerous person, to kind of make sure you stayed away.
Or maybe it's almost that I'm trying to protect the other person from being so awful--by keeping them away-- or protect them from your anger, and from what you fear might do (or might fear doing).
In my case, it's usually someone person I feel dependent on-- and may even love or not want to hurt. Or someone who has some power in my life, who can control my getting what I need.
It gets very confusing. I haven't understood it in myself, really.I've only read a little bit about DID, so I'm not sure. In me, what might be feelings, or parts of myself that are dominant, or ways of thinking that are dominant or in the background, shift, so I feel that I'm one way at one time, and another way at another time. But they're merged, and often I'm not even aware of the smaller shifts.
But for you, these things are separated, and don't communicate much, or feel identified as one person. They're isolated, and intense, because it's all one feeling, or experience, or way of reacting, in a more purified sense.
If there is a part of you that hates you, maybe your T wants you to start to know about it,.
Over time, if you can make some peace with it, maybe it will seem more like a smaller part. Or maybe you can build some communication, even if it's indirect, and you don't know about it yourself That might make it a less frightening and powerful part.
Maybe in time, it will become aware of you, Kerria, and of other parts, and not feel so alone, or so much without ways of being modified. Maybe that won't happened, but if it does, I imagine it will be because you're okay with it, and can handle it, and have given it understanding, and can accept it within you. Maybe it will slowly just become less because you have better, more sustaining experiences.
It's like in "splitting," which I have experienced, there's a good self and a bad self--or a good other and bad other. The goodness of the good other is so idealized and unrealistic, and it's so easy for the person to lose that quality, and become the bad other. Then they seem all bad, or terribly hurtful, and uncaring, and untrustable. I feel as if I need to avoid them, and run away, or destroy them, so they won't hurt me.
But over time, although I still have some of those feelings, they've diminished in their power. As I said above, they are less often in control of my thoughts, or last much less long. I think that's because I've come to see the bad-other as not so separate from the good-other, so I see just a good person under stress, or out of sorts, ot who could lash out, or say things that hurt me, because they're hurt, or frightened, or feel momentarily hopeless.
They don't stay evil (so to speak), for so long. It's like I remember who they really are, now. They don't seem like something horrible from my childhood, that I couldn't understand or make sense of.
I hope something in what I've said seeems like it might help a little, or sounds a little like what you feel.
I also hope that over time, you can find better feelings, and can come to some resolution about the bad experiences, and the effects of them.
Jost
Posted by Daisym on July 26, 2006, at 11:46:42
In reply to Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:( » kerria, posted by Jost on July 26, 2006, at 10:18:02
I have this experience often, though I'm not DID. I feel so much hostility towards the younger parts for "allowing" herself to be abused. And I'm very upset that "she" wants/needs to tell about it all now and that "she" craves the protection and comfort from my therapist. It gets confusing.
My therapist talks to my angry little girl a lot. He accepts that I can't comfort her right now and that she wants him to. These are powerful sessions, when we get in touch with these pieces. But they are painful too.
It is important to try to slowly connect another part of you to this angry part. Then the need to hurt yourself lessens.
I'm sorry you couldn't sleep. There is a lot of that going around.
Take it easy today.
Daisy
Posted by muffled on July 27, 2006, at 0:38:13
In reply to In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:(, posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 3:00:08
> Tonight i had therapy. i always knew there was a lot of conflict in my system (i have DID). i remember some things that a part said.
> i'm so shocked- it's so scary how much a part inside hates me and hates other parts. everything is so difficult now. Can anyone identify or help? i can't sleep- it's so upsetting.
> Lately i've been having really bad flashbacks. There's so much sadness and now this. It's so strange and to have an insider so against us. So much there's critcism inside against the things i say and do. It's so hard to deal with. i heard this part before once and now again. It's so scary that she's so against me.
>
> Please say something comforting. i'm so afraid now.
> Thanks for hearing,
> kerriaGlad to see you posting Kerria. y'know, you have been doing good posts.
I am so glad i don't get flashbacks. All I get is a blinding white flash and then nothing. And I am happy with that.
I also am not DID, I'm not that separated. Any sense of whats going on inside usu. comes thru in my writings.
I was awfully shocked once when I read some writings one time, they were HORRIBLE, shocking, evil. I don't remember what they said, I couldn't read all of it, I think it was bad stuff against myself, I took them and burned them. I HAD to burn them cuz they were SO awful.
Yeah, its scarey. But you have survived this part this long, and so this part proly can't do much cept keep stirring things up.
Mebbe its quite young this part?
Mebbe you could write some of this stuff and burn it?
Anyhow, I understand the hate. But I don't hate myself so much anymore. Though there still is a part that stirs up trouble, but it seems not as strong. Parts I like better are getting stronger and are more able to stand up to the bad parts.
And sometimes a part you think is bad, isn't. Mebbe its just trying to do what it can to do its job as best it knows how. Mebbe its not always the best way, but it can learn better ways. I think ultimately, your parts all want to be ok. Its just hard when you can't communicate well I guess.
I hope you got a good T who can help you thru this.
I dunno if I making much sense?
Glad to see you posting.
Take care of all of you.
Muffled.
Posted by kerria on July 30, 2006, at 0:30:45
In reply to Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:( » kerria, posted by muffled on July 27, 2006, at 0:38:13
Thank you Jost, Daisym and Muffled so much for writing and for caring about me.
Everything is so much a mess. i'm so upset with T because of the way he does therapy. He continues to ask questions and questions. The answers have led parts out and led me to a place where i NEVER WANTED TO BE. i can't handle it at all. my life is a nightmare. i have no support irl- my h is negative and thinks DID is because of demons. i can't handle knowing what i heard parts answer.
i told T i never want to see him again. Now my life is so trashed and i have to live this nightmare without any way to do it.
We're left in a terrible place. i hate the kind of therapy where the T asks questions. It literally wrecked my ability to function. i feel tricked into parts saying things that i wasn't ready to hear . i don't feel safe:(
i hate myself. i hate my life. i wish i could forget everything in my brain because it make me unable to function anymore.
There's REAL hatred about REAL things. It's not just kid parts that are whatever.
Why did this T put me in this hell. He seemed like such a nice person. Therapy like that was terrible for me. i can't live like this- i can't function anymore and i hate who i am and so does my family.
i have nothing to get better for:(
tears, kerria
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