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Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:( kerria

Posted by Jost on July 26, 2006, at 10:18:02

In reply to Re: In therapy tonight- i heard a part- hates me:(, posted by kerria on July 26, 2006, at 8:31:59

Hi, Kerria.

I don't have DID, or know what your T might be wanting to work on, by speaking to a part that hates you.

There have been times (and are times, although less often) when I hated myself and would think back to something I did or that happened, and build it up and not be able to stop thinking about it. When that happened it was/is very upsetting and uncomfortable. Hating myself and hating other people (or distrusting them to the point where they become so dangerous that I sort of hate them, to protect myself) doesn't last as long now-- it's more part of a day, or a few hours, then my mind somehow gets onto a different track.

(I'm not saying these people, from my childhood, weren't harmful, and didn't do bad things-- The people in your life must have done things that were very hurtful and that you needed to protect yourself from, much more than I did. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have been somewhere else, or that my sense of the as dangerous wasn't realistic-- only that it wasn't a grown-up sense, and I couldn't take care of myself.)

Maybe in DID, the parts that hate you or other people are made up from bad experiences, or times when you felt in danger, and you had to protect yourself from being too vulnerable. So you could tell yourself you were horrible, or think horrible thoughts about the dangerous person, to kind of make sure you stayed away.

Or maybe it's almost that I'm trying to protect the other person from being so awful--by keeping them away-- or protect them from your anger, and from what you fear might do (or might fear doing).

In my case, it's usually someone person I feel dependent on-- and may even love or not want to hurt. Or someone who has some power in my life, who can control my getting what I need.

It gets very confusing. I haven't understood it in myself, really.

I've only read a little bit about DID, so I'm not sure. In me, what might be feelings, or parts of myself that are dominant, or ways of thinking that are dominant or in the background, shift, so I feel that I'm one way at one time, and another way at another time. But they're merged, and often I'm not even aware of the smaller shifts.

But for you, these things are separated, and don't communicate much, or feel identified as one person. They're isolated, and intense, because it's all one feeling, or experience, or way of reacting, in a more purified sense.

If there is a part of you that hates you, maybe your T wants you to start to know about it,.

Over time, if you can make some peace with it, maybe it will seem more like a smaller part. Or maybe you can build some communication, even if it's indirect, and you don't know about it yourself That might make it a less frightening and powerful part.

Maybe in time, it will become aware of you, Kerria, and of other parts, and not feel so alone, or so much without ways of being modified. Maybe that won't happened, but if it does, I imagine it will be because you're okay with it, and can handle it, and have given it understanding, and can accept it within you. Maybe it will slowly just become less because you have better, more sustaining experiences.

It's like in "splitting," which I have experienced, there's a good self and a bad self--or a good other and bad other. The goodness of the good other is so idealized and unrealistic, and it's so easy for the person to lose that quality, and become the bad other. Then they seem all bad, or terribly hurtful, and uncaring, and untrustable. I feel as if I need to avoid them, and run away, or destroy them, so they won't hurt me.

But over time, although I still have some of those feelings, they've diminished in their power. As I said above, they are less often in control of my thoughts, or last much less long. I think that's because I've come to see the bad-other as not so separate from the good-other, so I see just a good person under stress, or out of sorts, ot who could lash out, or say things that hurt me, because they're hurt, or frightened, or feel momentarily hopeless.

They don't stay evil (so to speak), for so long. It's like I remember who they really are, now. They don't seem like something horrible from my childhood, that I couldn't understand or make sense of.

I hope something in what I've said seeems like it might help a little, or sounds a little like what you feel.

I also hope that over time, you can find better feelings, and can come to some resolution about the bad experiences, and the effects of them.

Jost


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