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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LadyBug on May 16, 2006, at 14:35:49
In reply to I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:06
I think you are pretty amazing too. You do so much good and you seem so up-beat! I didn't suffer from abuse so I won't comment on it. I just hope you know in your heart you are loved and truely a beautiful person. I hope this passes quickly for you. I know all too well the feeling of feeling so sh**ty!
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:03:58
In reply to I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:06
I left a message and told him I am not doing well and wanted an appointment if he had one. He left me a message that he didn't have one this week. :-(
Maybe there isn't anything he can do to help me anyways. I am tired of hearing I have low self esteem. I don't think I do about most things, but maybe a few major areas.
So can you develop a good self esteem later in life or is it something you acuire during your childhood?
I just hate that my T and others have said this about me, I guess it showed I DO have low self esteem because I am so upset about it.
I just feel like no matter how hard I am trying, it is never good enough for anyone. I just don't know how to "fix" myself anymore than I already have. It is just really bumming me out today that there is so much wrong with me. I feel like such an outcast because of being labeled with low self esteem.
I am thinking of calling my T and leaving a message to just forget it. It isn't like there is anything he can do about my self esteem, why even bother talking to him about it. I feel so low and I need him now and I don't want to wait until next week to talk about it. I feel like just giving up on therapy anyways, after 1 1 /2 years he still thinks of me being inadaquate of a person. I hate therapy, it makes me feel very sucky at the momement.
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:09:06
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser » happyflower, posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 11:24:45
Thanks Larry,
I think I know what you are saying and I do believe I am treating people on how I want to be treated.
I just don't understand how to change to be better. I think I am mostly okay, but my T and others say I am too critical of myself and I don't have self confidence. Maybe it is something I am or not doing to make people think that. I just don't know. Thanks for your support, Larry, I appreciate it. :-)
Happyflower
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:11:14
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser » Larry Hoover, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2006, at 11:46:21
> (((((HF))))) hope you are doing better. you ARE confident, strong, and can get through ANYTHING. afterall, look at what you've already survived.
> you're an amazing beautiful woman.Thanks B2 for your support, I hear your words but right now I am too down to think that way about myself. I keep trying and I keep getting the same response. I just want to give up trying and hide under the blanket so no one has to be around me.
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:12:11
In reply to Couldnt have said it better Larry. Amazing post !! » Larry Hoover, posted by orchid on May 16, 2006, at 13:19:05
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:13:38
In reply to Couldnt have said it better Larry. Amazing post !! » Larry Hoover, posted by orchid on May 16, 2006, at 13:19:05
Thanks for the hugs Orchid,
I hope it is just a step I am going through but it just feels like nobody thinks I am good enough for them, I think I am good enough though. I just don't get it.
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:16:30
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on May 16, 2006, at 14:35:49
Thanks Ladybug,
I just don't feel very amazing, I am tired of others being critical of me. Why can't they just accept me for me? Why the labels? I am tired of tying to do better and nothing seems to make a difference. It is truly frusterating me.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 16, 2006, at 22:11:38
In reply to I called my T today, can't get in till next week, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:03:58
> So can you develop a good self esteem later in life or is it something you acuire during your childhood?
I just got one very recently. Still has that new car smell. I'm 49.
Lar
Posted by Fall Girl on May 16, 2006, at 23:24:00
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:11:14
>>I just want to give up trying and hide under the blanket so no one has to be around me.<<Happyflower, please don't hide: your posts to others are so thoughful, helpful, and your sense of humor is fantastic. Don't hide!!
Posted by serena11 on May 17, 2006, at 5:10:41
In reply to I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:06
> It just seems like I will NEVER get out of my personal hole. No matter how hard I try, everyone says happyflower has no confidence , low self esteem. Well where do you find that?
>
> I HATE my parents for what they have done to me. I didn't realize that I am still living the effects of all that horrible abuse.
>
> I feel so fragile, like I could break if anyone says anything negative to me. My confidence is weak and I feel so much on the edge of a deep hole. I don't want to fall in there again, it is getting harder to climb out each time.
>
> I am tired of fighting for happiness. I feel so worthless. I hate it when everyone says how not good enough I am, but now how to fix it. How do you get self confidence, when eveyone sh*ts on me and doesn't help me gain the confidence.
>
> How do you repair an abusive childhood? I really need to talk to my T , but I am so scared to call because he probably won't be able to see me.
> I feel like my wound has now been opened and I don't know how to close it to get through my life. How do you live with a bleading heart?I read through what everyone said and I feel like I have intruded into a quiet circle of people surrounding you, caring and wanting the best for you. I'd like to stand there, too, and say that I have felt that very way you described. There's no shortcut for going through the healing process, even when it doesn't feel like it's healing. The fact that you are able to reach out, write about it, respond, feel, and care are all really good things. Even if it is agony. And I know there is healing. You were not created to be a loser, despite how dreadful you feel and how true that may seem. I hope you can feel the arms of love around you.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2006, at 9:01:17
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by serena11 on May 17, 2006, at 5:10:41
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you're hurting. It's such an awful feeling when you feel criticized and not accepted for who you are, just as you are. It's horrible. I think that acceptance is the core need I have, and it's been a big part of therapy for me. I still struggle with it, but I've moved more towards self-acceptance versus trying to find it in others. So there's hope. It's a process, and it's hard. It's not perfect, but it can get better. But I know that right now it feels really awful.
I strongly believe that when one feels accepted and validated just as they are, that's when the most freedom for change shows up. I used to tell clients that once they are comfortable "in their own skin, warts and all", then they will feel free to change things they want to and can. So a big part of what I do in therapy involves unconditional acceptance and positive regard. That's my own orientation, but not all T's work that way.
I know that some therapies and styles of therapists can feel very much like criticism--challenging thoughts and feelings, identifying problems to change, etc... These approaches can be very effective, but they can lead to some "ouches", particularly among those who are more sensitive to this. And just to validate...there's nothing inherently wrong with being sensitive to criticism. If that's part of who you are, then it's your truth and part of your being, and that's that. But of course, it also contributes to pain. Rotten pain.
It sounds like you're not feeling accepted unconditionally by your T, and maybe among others, too. I'm always inspired by your ability to sort out your feelings in your posts here. And it also sounds like you're pretty good at bringing up uncomfortable stuff in sessions. I hope you feel comfortable talking to your T about how you respond to hearing "labels", etc.
(((((Happyflower)))))
You are worthy of love and are loved just as you are.
Take care,
gg
PS: You mentioned wondering how to develop self-esteem. I think it really comes from within, but there are active ways to foster that feeling within yourself. I have found this book "Self-Esteem" to be a good one for that. The exercises are short, and you can pick and choose what appeals to you on any given day.
Posted by fairywings on May 17, 2006, at 9:55:06
In reply to I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:06
I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad (((((happyflower)))) You've been through a lot, maybe you haven't worked through things that were lingering inside. I hope you're T can help you.
I'm just so proud of everything you've accomplished lately. You've done so much, and you've got the big run coming up soon.
I hope you get to feeling better - call your T if you need to.
fw
Posted by Poet on May 17, 2006, at 10:16:41
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser » happyflower, posted by fairywings on May 17, 2006, at 9:55:06
Hi Happyflower,
I'm convinced I was born with no self esteem, my T tells me that is impossible, but I know otherwise. I am not comfortable in my own skin and can't remember ever feeling otherwise.
It might help you to make a list of things that you do good. Even if it's two or three. Start with I can play the trumpet. That is something that not everybody can do. It's something to be proud of.
I wish your T could see you before next week. I'm sorry you're feeling so sh*tty. Wish I could wave that magic wand and give you self esteem, but if that worked, I'd have done it to myself long ago.
Poet
Posted by orchid on May 17, 2006, at 13:24:59
In reply to Re: Couldnt have said it better Larry. Amazing post !! » orchid, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 21:13:38
One thing I did which really really helped me improve my self esteem was to look at others around me in a good look.
Then I realized I wasn't the only one who was F'd up :-) Everyone else around me was even more so. Needless to say, that was the single biggest improvement to my self esteem :-) You are as good as anyone on this planet could be. And if someone F'd up person (atleast inside) deserves to win the Oscar or the Noble or have millions of dollars, then so are you. !!
Posted by tryingtobewise on May 17, 2006, at 15:26:32
In reply to I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by happyflower on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:06
Hey Happy Flower,
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I happen to be a big fan of "acting as if". It may sound like an over-simplification, and to a degree it is, but the philosophy behind it is if you act the way you want to be (i.e. confident and self assured), eventually you will begin to feel that way on the inside too.
I have heard the "act as if" approach at church and in therapy. "Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow." I also believe 12 step programs endorse the act as if philosophy as well.
Anyway, all my best to you!
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 16:03:31
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser, posted by tryingtobewise on May 17, 2006, at 15:26:32
> Hey Happy Flower,
>
> I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I happen to be a big fan of "acting as if". It may sound like an over-simplification, and to a degree it is, but the philosophy behind it is if you act the way you want to be (i.e. confident and self assured), eventually you will begin to feel that way on the inside too.
>
> I have heard the "act as if" approach at church and in therapy. "Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow." I also believe 12 step programs endorse the act as if philosophy as well.
>
> Anyway, all my best to you!There's a saying I like, that encapsulates the concepts nicely...."You can't think your way into a new way of acting, but you can act your way into a new way of thinking."
Lar
Posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 16:27:53
In reply to Re: I feel so sh*tty today, like a loser » tryingtobewise, posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2006, at 16:03:31
I told him how bad I was feeling and I didn't think there was any hope for me. I was in tears and I said I didn't think therapy was working for me and I didn't think there was anything that was going to help me. I told him I called him because I have nobody else to call. I had been crying for hours before I called.
Well he called back and I talked to him. He didn't even mention my pathedic emotional call at all. He didn't even act like he cared at all, he said he had an opening in a week but I couldn't take it because I have classes. So he said then I will have to wait for a cancellation. I feel crushed, I just want to stay in my dark hole forever and I am quiting therapy because it isn't helping me anymore.
Posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 17:50:50
In reply to I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 16:27:53
I called again and left a message that I didn't want to come in anymore and that I give up with myself and to cancel my next appointment.
Posted by LadyBug on May 17, 2006, at 17:53:32
In reply to I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 16:27:53
Wow Happyflower, I'm shocked at his responce. My T would never ignore my pain and tell me I'd have to suffer it till next week. She'd stay after hours to see me or at least make an arrangement to call me in the evening until I was feeling better about things. I'd feel just like you do right now. I don't blame you for wanting to quit. I don't want to go to my appointment tomorrow night because all we end up talking about is the termoil I'm in. I end up crying and wanting to die. And it got scary last week. I wanted to end it all. I know it isn't her, or the therapy process either. How is therapy going to help me at this point in my life? It just makes me want to curl up on my therapist's lap and have her protect me from the hurt I have and help me heal completly. I want her to take away my pain, just love me, take me home, and she can't! But I hold on to this wish that she will!!! I keep going, hoping sub-consiciously that she will love me to death! It's so hard. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain and he didn't help you. I'm here for you, I know it's not the same, but I do understand and care a bunch.
(((((((Happyflower))))))) Keep in touch here ok! I'll be thinking and wondering how you are so let me know ok? thanks
LadyBug
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 17, 2006, at 20:59:09
In reply to I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 16:27:53
Happy, I've been in just the same situation as you are now. There was an initial scary but thrilling connection, which made me feel full of hope and good possibilities, followed by my deepest feelings- a terrible fear of aloneness and abandonment (mother issues). My therapist doesn't try to deal with those with phone calls or extra sessions, but we do both work very hard on it during the sessions I have scheduled. But I do have three a week, so I'm able to manage between them. You've had such a great relationship with your therapist with all the more adult parts of your self- that is so wonderful. But now a deeper, much lonelier and sadder part is emerging. I hope you won't give up therapy- I'd say that you really need it more frequently right now. Can you talk this out with him? He has always sounded like he's really able to listen and understand what your real needs are.
Posted by LadyBug on May 18, 2006, at 1:01:27
In reply to Re: I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 17:50:50
I've done exactly what you did. I'm such a sucker for my T I've always returned. I wish we could all move on in our lives without our Therapist's. Could a big hug help you? Cuz I'm sending you one!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Happyflower)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hang in there and be sure to tie a knot at the end of your rope!
LadyBug
Posted by Daisym on May 18, 2006, at 2:13:05
In reply to Re: I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 17:50:50
I'm so sad for you. I've done exactly what you did so many times and I would ask myself what I was hoping for -- did I need my therapist to chase me and "prove" he cared or did I really need some space to see why I still needed therapy. Somehow we always worked it through, sometimes he would chase me and sometimes I'd realize that i do need therapy, I'm not finished yet.
The relationship you have with your therapist is complicated and I think it leads to these melt downs. We go through a tough patch and they handle it and we throw more curves and they handle it and we even tell them off, and they handle it. So living without them becomes really painful, because we want them to keep us safe within their understanding. We are finally experiencing something we never have and I think we are simultaneously soothed and torn up by this.
Therapy is very hard work and gets very painful. Taking a break can be a good thing, if done for the right reasons. Talking it through can help.
Good luck with this.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 18, 2006, at 7:44:11
In reply to Re: I called him today and left a message » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on May 17, 2006, at 17:53:32
> Wow Happyflower, I'm shocked at his responce.
Well, the fact is, I'm not. I fear that this particular therapeutic relationship has had all, or most, of its therapeutic potential squeezed out of it.
The male/female dynamic is like that elephant in the room. But in this case it's standing right between them, and neither can see the other any longer. Instead, each sees their own responses to the other, projected onto the elephant.
HF, I fear you need to find a new therapist. One who will help you get over the old one. I'm truly sorry.
Sadly,
LarP.S. I hope I'm categorically wrong. And if I am, your telling me so will have been worth it, to me.
Posted by fairywings on May 18, 2006, at 8:53:41
In reply to Re: I called him today and left a message--HF?, posted by Larry Hoover on May 18, 2006, at 7:44:11
((((HF))))
I'm sorry you were feeling so bad and he couldn't get you in. Maybe it is time to at least look at the possibility of a new T - even if you continue to see your T while you're looking. Leaving is heart wrenching, you've worked so well with your T. I hope you won't feel like you can't call him and tell him you need to see him if you decide you want to go back and try to work through everything you've been going through lately.
Like Pfinstegg, my T doesn't make calls in between appts., he wants to do the work w/in the appt. when we're face to face. It's hard when I want him to call back, but I understand why he doesn't.
I hope you don't give up on therapy all together. You've come so far.
fw
Posted by rubenstein on May 18, 2006, at 11:07:06
In reply to Re: I called him today and left a message, posted by happyflower on May 17, 2006, at 17:50:50
Happyflower, I am so sorry you are in pain and that your therapist isn't helping matters. I don't know what I can do for you but just know that I am thinking about you. Please stay safe.
rachel
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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