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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
ok, so i've layed out most of my cards on the table with my T. now i'm looking back on them and wondering if they were really MY cards? the realization i think is starting to come, but i'm not letting it in. i had to see the person that hurt me this weekend... and i think (SICK ME) that i actually wanted him to touch me sexually or try to hurt me...(STUPID ME) i feel like if he doesn't do it now then how could he have done it years ago?
(SCREWED UP ME)everything was fine this weekend, he didn't even come close to me...(SHAME ME)i think i actually felt disappointed.i have NO idea how to bring this up to my T, or should i?
maybe mom was right, i ask for deviant pain. maybe i did want all that sexual attention when i was young???
should i just get it over with and hang myself in my closet?i'm so disgusting, i can't even stand it right now. on the other hand i feel i deserve all this pain x10. i can't win, i s@ck, i should be burried in a hole 30 feet deep and covered with trash.
b2c
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 15:53:15
In reply to validating pain???...**trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
> ok, so i've layed out most of my cards on the table with my T. now i'm looking back on them and wondering if they were really MY cards?
***Thats SO weird, thats exactly what I been thinking.
I have decided that I ALWAYS been crazy.the realization i think is starting to come, but i'm not letting it in. i had to see the person that hurt me this weekend... and i think (confused ME) that i actually wanted him to touch me sexually or try to hurt me...(lost ME) i feel like if he doesn't do it now then how could he have done it years ago?
***Good topic to hash out with your T. What was the motivation for you in all this? What was missing in your life?
> (needing alittle help ME)everything was fine this weekend, he didn't even come close to me...(helpless ME)i think i actually felt disappointed.
***well you WERE perhaps looking for an answer...
>
> i have NO idea how to bring this up to my T, or should i?*** You could bring in this post....
> maybe mom was right, i ask for deviant pain. maybe i did want all that sexual attention when i was young???
***My inside kid told me that she was bad cuz something happened and she liked it. I have no idea what she is talking about? I wrote a post to you once and erased it about how I got kids 7&9, and that my younger one a girl,is very needy. I try very hard to give her what she needs. if I didn't and her brother (who she adores) approached her, I really have no doubt in my mind that should would dysfunctionally 'get what she thot she needed' fom him. And I don't doubt that some part of her would like it. Otherwise why else would she do it? This all seems very logical to me. And not wrong or bad. Just her trying in her kid way to get what she needed, thats all. But of course its different when its your own life.
And did it even happen? I don't know. But I think that sort of thing happens not too infrequently.
Sorry if I am way off base here.....
I am desprately trying to find words...> should i just get it over with and hang myself in my closet?
***Not a good option.
>i'm so disgusting, i can't even stand it right now. on the other hand i feel i deserve all this pain x10. i can't win, i s@ck, i should be burried in a hole 30 feet deep and covered with trash.
***Sorry (((B2))) that its SO intense for you right now. But remember the waves. This will pass. You are not alone in this. You tough, just keep fighting.
Muffled.
P.S. you can babblemail me if you want
>
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 16:15:21
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** » B2chica, posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 15:53:15
tired of being tough
Posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 16:33:14
In reply to validating pain???...**trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
> ok, so i've layed out most of my cards on the table with my T. now i'm looking back on them and wondering if they were really MY cards?
It took me quite a while to realise that the cards on the table really were mine.
> the realization i think is starting to come, but i'm not letting it in. i had to see the person that hurt me this weekend...
That would be bound to raise all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts… and the thoughts might not be the most rational thoughts because they’re probably very mixed up in the feelings.
> and i think (SICK ME) that i actually wanted him to touch me sexually or try to hurt me...
Because you didn’t stop him? But you didn’t know how. You probably didn’t know exactly what he was doing. You probably didn’t know what to think or how to feel. All you knew was that someone you trusted was doing something to you that you didn’t like. Maybe you simply thought it was a part of life, like having to clean your room or eat spinach or any number of other things people made you do that you didn’t like. It’s VERY hard for kids to understand what’s going on when these things happen to them. You really are not sick.
> (STUPID ME) i feel like if he doesn't do it now then how could he have done it years ago?
Because now he knows he can’t get away with it. Back then he counted on your innocence and vulnerability and lack of knowledge. You are no longer a child and he knows he doesn’t have the same kind of power over you now.
> (SCREWED UP ME)everything was fine this weekend, he didn't even come close to me...(SHAME ME)i think i actually felt disappointed.
Yes, I think disappointment is very normal. You are coping with some very strong feelings about this person and if he didn’t pay you much attention you would obviously feel ignored. Even if the feelings are negative feelings, you’d still feel disappointed at being ignored. And maybe you had some kind of wish to be able to express some of those feelings… which was probably not a real option in the circumstances. That could leave you feeling disappointed too.
> i have NO idea how to bring this up to my T, or should i?
I think you should. Why not take him a print out of your post?
> maybe mom was right, i ask for deviant pain. maybe i did want all that sexual attention when i was young???
I’ve never met a child who wanted that kind of sexual attention.
> should i just get it over with and hang myself in my closet?
> i'm so disgusting, i can't even stand it right now. on the other hand i feel i deserve all this pain x10. i can't win, i s@ck, i should be burried in a hole 30 feet deep and covered with trash.That sounds like a horrible way to feel. How awful. (((((B2C))))). I’m so sorry it’s so painful. It’s hard to hang onto the idea that you’re not trash when your flesh is crawling; it’s hard to tell yourself you matter and that you’re a good person who deserves happiness. It’s hard to believe that the pain is not your fault.
But you really were not to blame for what happened. And you are not a sick person. You have been dealing with an extremely difficult situation and you are coping very well indeed, even if it feels as if things are falling apart.
Is there anyone you can talk it through with? Can you call your T?
I know it’s hard. But you’re not alone; we’re all thinking of you. I hope you feel better soon.
Tamar
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 16:43:15
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** » muffled, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 16:15:21
> tired of being tough
***Yeah. me too. But i never gonna give up. Never , never. I HAVE to be tough.
Nothing can get me then.
Thats my theory anyways......
:(
Posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:49:23
In reply to validating pain???...**trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
You know I don't like my card that I have been dealt either. I wish I could have changed hands, but then I guess someone maybe less strong than me would have to endure the pain.
It isn't the "abuesed" person fault for what happend. It is hard to see that when you have been told your are nothing but a piece of sh*t, but it is true. I like to think of me as being the happy little bugs eating the sh*t making it go away. Sorry for the grossness. But I am eating it all up and sh*ting it back on the people who deserve it.
Please be try to be strong, you can do it! Life just sometimes sucks, but you can "eat that sh*t and give it back to the abusers, if you want" Heck they don't even deserve that either. It tasts bad until it is all gone. When is your next session?
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2005, at 16:55:17
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** grossness » B2chica, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:49:23
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 17:02:16
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** grossness » B2chica, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:49:23
monday late afternoon, but i've been thinking of canceling and...i just don't want to go back. i like him very much but i'm tired of laying these stories on him. what an incredible burden he must bare because of me.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 11, 2005, at 17:04:06
In reply to validating pain???...**trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
Oh sweetie, that sounds so confusing and painful. I'm sorry you had those experiences. And the shame and feeling stupid and wrong...I can understand where those feelings come from. I've had some like that in a similar situation.
But you know, it's not your shame. It's not. You were a child, and someone preyed on you. You didn't ask for it. But whoever it was somehow knew how they could get away with it. Predators are very good at that. They are good at acting in such a way that they make their victims feel responsible. And they try to make the victim feel special. So how confusing must it be for a child to feel special, and maybe even have some physical reactions that are perfectly natural, and yet also feel that this is wrong wrong wrong? I think any child would doubt their intuition and would be confused. How could you not be?
And seeing him again...I'm sure it takes you back to that young and confusing time with all kinds of mixed and conflicting feelings. When we are children, we are not able to sort throught this complicated jumble of seemingly opposing feelings. So we feel bad or ashamed for having "bad feelings" which are otherwise perfectly natural and understandable.
Goodness, sex and sexuality...sexual feelings can be confusing and complicated enough. Throw in societal norms and views of how girls "should and should not" feel, regardless of what our bodies feel and do...it's not an easy thing to feel easy about. Predators just really screw that all up way way more. And that is a shame.
It's THEIR SHAME.
((((b2chica)))))
Take gentle care and try to be easy with yourself.
gg
Posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 17:10:55
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** grossness, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 17:02:16
> monday late afternoon, but i've been thinking of canceling and...i just don't want to go back. i like him very much but i'm tired of laying these stories on him. what an incredible burden he must bare because of me.
>
Please go, you need him more than ever, I can feel it in your voice. I feel guilty too for my stories too that I tell my T . I just recentaly read an article written about him being a local hero for being a volunteer for child abuse issues in the community. Well he said in the article that he is good at not taking his work home with him, but sometimes the child abuse issues is hard not to think about when he is aways from work. He has told me my abuse is some of the worse he has ever heard, well he hasn't heard all of it I am afraid. So I know how it feels not to want to tell your T another terriable story. But you know if we don't tell, we can't let our T help us either. Please go, it is less than 24 hours, you can do it. (((((B2))))))
Posted by fallsfall on December 11, 2005, at 20:57:47
In reply to Re: validating pain???...**trigger** grossness, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 17:02:16
Please go to therapy. Let your therapist help you. You don't have to be all alone with this any more.
This is the end of the thread.
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