Posted by Tamar on December 11, 2005, at 16:33:14
In reply to validating pain???...**trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2005, at 15:11:56
> ok, so i've layed out most of my cards on the table with my T. now i'm looking back on them and wondering if they were really MY cards?
It took me quite a while to realise that the cards on the table really were mine.
> the realization i think is starting to come, but i'm not letting it in. i had to see the person that hurt me this weekend...
That would be bound to raise all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts… and the thoughts might not be the most rational thoughts because they’re probably very mixed up in the feelings.
> and i think (SICK ME) that i actually wanted him to touch me sexually or try to hurt me...
Because you didn’t stop him? But you didn’t know how. You probably didn’t know exactly what he was doing. You probably didn’t know what to think or how to feel. All you knew was that someone you trusted was doing something to you that you didn’t like. Maybe you simply thought it was a part of life, like having to clean your room or eat spinach or any number of other things people made you do that you didn’t like. It’s VERY hard for kids to understand what’s going on when these things happen to them. You really are not sick.
> (STUPID ME) i feel like if he doesn't do it now then how could he have done it years ago?
Because now he knows he can’t get away with it. Back then he counted on your innocence and vulnerability and lack of knowledge. You are no longer a child and he knows he doesn’t have the same kind of power over you now.
> (SCREWED UP ME)everything was fine this weekend, he didn't even come close to me...(SHAME ME)i think i actually felt disappointed.
Yes, I think disappointment is very normal. You are coping with some very strong feelings about this person and if he didn’t pay you much attention you would obviously feel ignored. Even if the feelings are negative feelings, you’d still feel disappointed at being ignored. And maybe you had some kind of wish to be able to express some of those feelings… which was probably not a real option in the circumstances. That could leave you feeling disappointed too.
> i have NO idea how to bring this up to my T, or should i?
I think you should. Why not take him a print out of your post?
> maybe mom was right, i ask for deviant pain. maybe i did want all that sexual attention when i was young???
I’ve never met a child who wanted that kind of sexual attention.
> should i just get it over with and hang myself in my closet?
> i'm so disgusting, i can't even stand it right now. on the other hand i feel i deserve all this pain x10. i can't win, i s@ck, i should be burried in a hole 30 feet deep and covered with trash.That sounds like a horrible way to feel. How awful. (((((B2C))))). I’m so sorry it’s so painful. It’s hard to hang onto the idea that you’re not trash when your flesh is crawling; it’s hard to tell yourself you matter and that you’re a good person who deserves happiness. It’s hard to believe that the pain is not your fault.
But you really were not to blame for what happened. And you are not a sick person. You have been dealing with an extremely difficult situation and you are coping very well indeed, even if it feels as if things are falling apart.
Is there anyone you can talk it through with? Can you call your T?
I know it’s hard. But you’re not alone; we’re all thinking of you. I hope you feel better soon.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:588095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588126.html