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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
i'm not sure where to begin.
i haven't posted much in the last several months (almost a year, really), but i don't want to get into the bulk of that. i considered changing my nickname on here so no one would know it was me, but it's not you guys i'm afraid of. it's everyone else.
i've been seeing a T for about 8 months now, give or take. her name is Lynn. (maybe if i tell you her name she'll seem more personal to me.) mostly we spent the bulk of our time talking about the relationship i was in, recognizing it as unhealthy, recognizing that i was unhappy, and finally getting the courage to do something about it.
but i don't want to talk about that either. i'm just trying to "set the stage," as it were.
lynn is a very nice lady. she's from brooklyn, which i appreciate a great deal (my dad's from brooklyn, and now that i live in the midwest, i miss the northeast so very much). she's always on my side when i tell her things. i guess maybe that's her job, but i've never had anyone always be on my side reliably, regularly, and honestly before, i don't think.
we've beaten topics to death (mostly about that relationship), and she never seems to mind. but we only talk about what i'm comfortable talking about. i know she really wants to crack my shell and get me to talk about things i've only half-mentioned in passing before. like high school. my lack of friends. my parents. other things i can't bear to even write down. things i didn't realise were wrong until i started talking to lynn.
she's a good person. and i think she's a good T. but i just can't open up. i just don't trust her, even though i have no reason not to trust her. she's never done or said anything to betray me. but i don't trust her. i don't trust anyone, really, she is no different, but i don't want to ruin our relationship because i can't trust her enough to open up.
it's also kind of weird because i pay her for her services. after our visit, we set up next week's appointment, and then i hand her a check for my co-payment. and it makes me feel kind of funny. almost like it's the prostitution of companionship. i'm paying her to be the friend i always should have had from the beginning. maybe i'm just putting a spin on it that shouldn't be there.
i wish i knew how to talk to her about the things that should be talked about. i just can't do it. part of me wants to quit therapy altogether since i can't seem to open up about anything more. it's like i've done all i can do. a lot of our last few sessions have been more sociable than anything else, talking about this and that, me giving her a check for her "services," and then coming back next week to do it all again. maybe that's how you build trust. but i don't feel any different.
i just don't know what i'm supposed to do now.
Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2005, at 16:29:21
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
Well, two possibilities come to mind.
One is an echo of what I said above. If you otherwise get stuck, you can turn to talking about what's going on. So you can tell her basically what you said in the post, and you can talk about your difficulty in trusting her. Those sorts of discussions often lead to a lot more than you would think.
The other is that you try to lurch into the void and just tell her something as if you trusted her. And then let her earn your trust by how she reacts. I did that once, outside therapy, and while my expectations were low, it really did work and had a great payoff for me.
Posted by rockymtnhi on July 27, 2005, at 16:35:08
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
Hello,
I am currently on a sabbatical from therapy because I wasn't able to open up either. There is no point in going if I cannot talk about core issues.
Quitting, taking a break, or just avoiding does not help. I know this too well.
You presented the issue well to us. Could you present it to Lyn in the same way? Just let her know that there is more that you need to get at and ask her to help you express it.
Please let us know how it goes.
Posted by caraher on July 27, 2005, at 16:42:14
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
If you can't just "take the plunge" and trust her with something important you should tell her that you feel stuck on this point. You might even show her what you wrote us. In any case, she's there to help you and will want to know if you aren't getting what you need. And don't worry that she'll take it personally that you have trouble trusting; she's a professional and she's probably "heard it all." Her role is to help you and she knows it.
Posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 18:08:10
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
From what I saw about things, I don't think anyone is 100 % trustworthy. So there was no question of trusting an individual with 100 % certainity.. So what I do is, I place all my trust in God and just open up to my T hoping things will be allright.
I am one, who never trusts another person 100 % for anything - how can I trust another person - I can't even trust that I will act on my own good, so how can I trust someone else will?? But I trust God, and I just do things as I see fit and as needed. That way, I don't get to lose much if she breaks my trust.. I made a mistake of trusting my ex T a little too much, and I got burnt because of it.. so I didn't trust my current T, and I am in a better shape now.
Posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 18:10:54
In reply to I don't trust my T necessarily but I open up fully » ghost, posted by pinkeye on July 27, 2005, at 18:08:10
What I meant to say was - that trusting, and sharing/working together doesn't have to go together. I don't know if I trust my T, but I tell her everything. I know she is bound to keep secrecy, so that is the only thing I ask of her.. rest, I don't mind. I evaluate what she says, and I take it if I see fit, and if I don't think she is right about something, I don't take it. And I trust her as I trust my rheumatologist - but nothing more.
Posted by fairywings on July 27, 2005, at 22:20:03
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
Hi Ghost, I agree with the others. Telling your T that you have some frustration over your inability to open up and trust anyone, including her, seems to be a good starting point for working on the trust issue.
Good luck!
FW
Posted by daisym on July 27, 2005, at 23:47:40
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
***i just don't know what i'm supposed to do now.****
I wish i had a nickel for every time I said that in therapy. My therapist's response is almost always "we keep talking about it. You just keep being honest about it."
Ghost -- you know how I feel about my therapist. This week he said to me again, "I don't know what I could say that would convience you I won't leave you, or termiate you. I'll say it over and over 'I won't' but I'll also just keep proving it over and over again too. And that's totally OK." I felt really bad that after all he has done for me that I can't let go of this fear. I *do* trust him, but there is a part of me that doesn't trust the Universe and the unpredictability of life.
It strikes me that some part of you must really want to open up to her, otherwise you wouldn't have written what you've written. Maybe you are on the edge of ready...and you need her to help you take the plunge. My therapist will ask, "do you want me to nudge you a little?" when he knows I want to tell him something but it is too scary. (I think I wrote above about nodding my head a lot.) We've agreed on him very quietly saying, "it is OK to tell me. I can hear it." It is overt permission to say painful and ugly stuff.
I agree with everyone else, take in your post. It is very eloquent about what you are wanting. I find that I often need to talk about the process before I can get into the content of my thoughts. It is very hard, but worth it.
Hugs from me. Nice to see you.
Daisy
Posted by Shortelise on July 28, 2005, at 1:59:09
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
This is all my opinion, ok?
They aren't our friends, they are our therapists. They are paid to be our therapists. Among other things, that entails being on our side, being more non-judgemental, supportive and receptive than any friend could ever be.
No one could pay me enough to do what a therapist does, despite my thread earlier today. What they do is not friendship.
And trust, how to get there? You could tell a little, and a little more, and see how she reacts, and if she reacts well, you might feel able to tell more, to talk about more. For me, it was as though my emotions were wild beasts that needed taming, and he gentled them. I' still a mad little savages sometimes :-)
ghost, best of luck with this.
ShortE
Posted by happyflower on July 28, 2005, at 11:48:22
In reply to Re: why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long) » ghost, posted by Shortelise on July 28, 2005, at 1:59:09
When I entered into therapy this Jan., I didn't trust anyone except my DH, and even that took years. I have been sh*t on by a lot of people. Even doctors who you are suppose to trust. My T used to say we have a fedicary relationship (like with a doctor, lawyer, etc.) They are being paid to do a service and we should be about to trust them that they will ethical and all. Well I had some experiences in realtionships like that where my trust was broken. After my T learned about my experinces with some of my doctors and my horriable childhood, he understood why I didn't trust him even though he didn't do anything wrong.
But he was very patient with me and didn't push me at all. He went at my pace. Little by little, I began to trust him. I opened up a little bit more, he was a rock of security for me. I can say I can almost tell him anything. I trust him a lot, not just as a therapist but as a person. He disclosed a lot about himself, which mostly made me feel safe with him.
I have received a lot to rewards learning to trust him, and it has effected my life with others potential people. This happy flower is starting to open up her buds and letting the sunshine beam on my flowers. It is hard, but so worth it.My advice would be just take it day by day, little by little, you will get there. Take as long as you need and don't worry, if they are a good T, they will patient with you. :)
Posted by muffled on July 28, 2005, at 14:02:51
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
I let my T. read my journal, all of it. At first I was bothered but now I'm not. My T. seems nice and all and she's a christian like me. Besides I figger, what the hell she dumps me or don't like what I say, well I just don't care. She's just another fish in this sea of humanity. I haven't got a whole lot to lose in 'trusting' her I suppose. I just don't know where else to turn anyhow.
Posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 15:54:06
In reply to Re: why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by muffled on July 28, 2005, at 14:02:51
> I let my T. read my journal, all of it. At first I was bothered but now I'm not.
OMGosh, you are a brave soul! I've been keeping a journal of sorts on microsoft word since starting therapy, and I would never let him read it! ; ) Maybe with some significant editing, but not straight out, now that's trust!
FW
Posted by Poet on July 28, 2005, at 17:58:30
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
Hi Ghost,
Trust builds at a snail's pace for me. Three years next month and I still tell her *I don't want to talk about that.* She looks at what I do share as progress. My trust level is at about 65%, maybe more, I've been stuck on the old boring issue of failure, so I haven't been talking about stuff I really need to.
It's okay to trust as you are able. Your T seems to understand that, which is fantastic, because then you won't get pushed to talk before you are ready.
Poet
Posted by muffled on July 28, 2005, at 22:02:56
In reply to Re: why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 15:54:06
Posted by Fallsfall on July 28, 2005, at 22:11:38
In reply to why (and how) do you trust your T? (kinda long), posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
Ghost,
You have gone through a lot in the last 6 months. And Lynn has helped you. That's really wonderful. I agree with the others who suggest that you talk to her about how it is hard to trust her. That fact that trust comes hard to you is significant, and you really need to address that before you can get into the other things. She won't be insulted that you don't trust her - she will know that it is because you are not trusting - not because she is untrustworthy. Discussions like this help you to get to the next level in the therapy relationship.
You are doing fine.
This is the end of the thread.
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