Posted by ghost on July 27, 2005, at 16:19:58
i'm not sure where to begin.
i haven't posted much in the last several months (almost a year, really), but i don't want to get into the bulk of that. i considered changing my nickname on here so no one would know it was me, but it's not you guys i'm afraid of. it's everyone else.
i've been seeing a T for about 8 months now, give or take. her name is Lynn. (maybe if i tell you her name she'll seem more personal to me.) mostly we spent the bulk of our time talking about the relationship i was in, recognizing it as unhealthy, recognizing that i was unhappy, and finally getting the courage to do something about it.
but i don't want to talk about that either. i'm just trying to "set the stage," as it were.
lynn is a very nice lady. she's from brooklyn, which i appreciate a great deal (my dad's from brooklyn, and now that i live in the midwest, i miss the northeast so very much). she's always on my side when i tell her things. i guess maybe that's her job, but i've never had anyone always be on my side reliably, regularly, and honestly before, i don't think.
we've beaten topics to death (mostly about that relationship), and she never seems to mind. but we only talk about what i'm comfortable talking about. i know she really wants to crack my shell and get me to talk about things i've only half-mentioned in passing before. like high school. my lack of friends. my parents. other things i can't bear to even write down. things i didn't realise were wrong until i started talking to lynn.
she's a good person. and i think she's a good T. but i just can't open up. i just don't trust her, even though i have no reason not to trust her. she's never done or said anything to betray me. but i don't trust her. i don't trust anyone, really, she is no different, but i don't want to ruin our relationship because i can't trust her enough to open up.
it's also kind of weird because i pay her for her services. after our visit, we set up next week's appointment, and then i hand her a check for my co-payment. and it makes me feel kind of funny. almost like it's the prostitution of companionship. i'm paying her to be the friend i always should have had from the beginning. maybe i'm just putting a spin on it that shouldn't be there.
i wish i knew how to talk to her about the things that should be talked about. i just can't do it. part of me wants to quit therapy altogether since i can't seem to open up about anything more. it's like i've done all i can do. a lot of our last few sessions have been more sociable than anything else, talking about this and that, me giving her a check for her "services," and then coming back next week to do it all again. maybe that's how you build trust. but i don't feel any different.
i just don't know what i'm supposed to do now.
poster:ghost
thread:534337
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/534337.html