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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
I'm not sure what subject would adequately convey this, and I'm not really sure what I'll say, but just in case, please heed the *T* warning if it's safer for you to do so.
Hm, earlier I was lying in bed crying, and I "wrote" a post in my head, and all the words and thoughts came out smoothly and accurately. I almost got up to post then, but I was hoping I'd fall asleep and I think I did, albeit for a little while. Now, staring at the keyboard, I have no idea how to write what's inside.
Of course, you probably guessed by now this has something to do with my (ex) T. :-( I can go a few days suppressing thoughts and feelings about everything, but inevitably they come bubbling up, like a rubber ball you hold under water but it always bounces back to the surface when you take your hand away. Today is one of those days.
I keep asking myself how my T could remove herself from me, so neatly and quickly, especially when I still need her. I've been thinking, and I'm not altogether sure our therapeutic relationship could have lasted much longer the way things were going, but, I felt that I was just at the end of that "phase" and moving into another. And I was and did. Had she hung in there with me a bit longer, I think it would have gotten better. But I guess she couldn't and didn't. We still have so much to "put to rest" between us, I think. And it's hard, feeling that way. I wonder if she would do anything differently now, or if she would do something if she knew how her reaction to me, cutting me off like this so abruptly especially when I have so much going on right now, I wonder if she would try to help, or fix it? Or if she would figure I'd get over it eventually? I'm not unrealistic...I don't want "forever" therapy with her because I know it can't be that way, given where she practices. But is it too much to ask for her to have hung in there with me the way she said she would? To at least see me during this in-between time of waiting to find out whether I got into residential? If I do, fine, she can either be a part of my treatment there or she can step aside, and if I don't, she could help me transition to a new T, but at least either way I would have the chance to ask the questions I need to, get the answers I need, and maybe some support in myself in the interim. But maybe that's asking a lot. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. Does she hate me? Does she think of me? Is she glad that she's rid of me? Why did she terminate the way she did? Why did the last session go so horribly? Would she care if she knew how much I'm suffering right now?
I feel selfish though, b/c I don't know what she went through, either. Working with me was hard for her. Maybe it's best our therapeutic work is over; I think she was too emotionally involved, and I think I cared for her too much personally to allow her "in" therapeutically. I just wish we could talk about all of that, so I won't have to wonder anymore. I half-wish that someone--my sister or a friend--would contact my t somehow and tell her this isn't right, that I need her for just a bit longer. I feel so guilty for thinking and saying that, even here.
I have to end this here....There were/are other things I had needed to say, but while writing this post I hurt my eye (I think I may have scratched my cornea, or something, not sure) and it's very difficult (and slow) to type one-handed, the bright screen is even hurting my other eye, and my vision isn't the best right now, so I'll stop here -- I can hear the collective sigh of relief ;-)
I don't expect any responses to this nonsense. I'm sorry for anyone who read this, but I do also thank you very much.
Take care Babblers,
sv
Posted by Dinah on July 5, 2005, at 19:50:18
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
I wish I knew what to say to you. It does seem hard to understand.
I've also never really approved of her statement that therapy was getting too hard on her. This is how she makes her living. And she's not supposed to hurt her client with expressions of her own feelings.
I think you ran into weaknesses in her, and weaknesses in the system. On the one hand, it's terrific that they offer mental health services to students, but on the other, it seems like a set up for pain for a subset of those students. It's hard to see that as a good thing. Maybe universities should take a good hard look at allowing alumni to continue in therapy they've already started, on a fee basis.
Posted by jammerlich on July 5, 2005, at 19:55:48
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
Oh SV, I'm so glad you posted this. I've been struggling with the same kind of thing lately. It's just miserable isn't it??
I keep thinking I'm starting to feel better about everything and then I turn around,.....and BAM.....it kicks me in the teeth again. And I go through the bawling as I fall asleep and bawling again when I wake-up phase ALL over again.
Ok, I'm getting tempted to go on and on about me, so I'm going to nip it in the bud before I hijack your thread! And I'm tempted to tell you what the "rational me" says when I try to figure all this out. But *I* don't even believe myself and it never really makes me feel better.
Keep posting as you need to. I'll never get tired of hearing about it.
How is your eye?
Posted by pinkeye on July 5, 2005, at 20:02:29
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
I wish I knew the answer too. But I don't.
One thing that does help me though is to try some meditation - for half hour. Days when I do it, are always better.
We are in the same boat, and I have found telling myself that my ex T must have had a good reason helps sometimes. Other times it doesn't help much. Honestly, I also really don't know what to do beyond a point.
If you would like to know what exactly I do, I can help you. Send me an email at pinkeye_babble@yahoo.com and I can tell you what exact meditation I do. But if you are not religious, then maybe it won't help.
Posted by Poet on July 5, 2005, at 22:36:56
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
Hi SV,
It's awful when questions keep going round and round in your head until you are dizzy from all the spinning. I wish I could stop your brain from doing this to you, but I don't know how to stop my brain from my obsessive thinking.
A few months after a friend of mine was terminated by her T, she called to ask if T could recommend a new T. Former T let her come in to talk about it (and did give her a bunch of names, too.)
Maybe you could call your former T and ask about getting referrals? It might be a way to talk to her. I know that your T is part of the University, but she probably knows Ts outside the system that she could recommend for you. She might at least let you see her to talk about it and then you can try to get some of these questions out, too.
I am so sorry that you couldn't continue seeing your T. I agree with Dinah that the university should have something in place for graduates.
Take care of yourself. (((((((((((hugs))))))) and eyedrops.
Poet
Posted by Jazzed on July 5, 2005, at 23:21:35
In reply to Re: ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning) » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on July 5, 2005, at 22:36:56
I'm sorry she did this to you. It doesn't seem fair, and if she can't handle it, she should find something else to do. I agree, it's her job to hear stuff that isn't so nice to hear sometimes. I wish I had more to offer SV. I think the idea about getting referrals is good. Sounds like you need some help to get through this.
Jazzy
Posted by happyflower on July 6, 2005, at 6:04:17
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
Hi SV!
I don't know much to say to help because my head feels like it is filled with cotton right now spinning out of control. But I just wanted to say I hope you will be okay, and have a hug from me ((((((SV)))))
Posted by GreySkyEyes on July 6, 2005, at 12:44:08
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
Take care of yourself, be safe, and don't be afraid to ask for help IRL. I like the idea others have had about getting a referral, that would probably help you get through this more smoothly. And there's always Babble! :)
Hugs if you don't mind... (((SV)))
Posted by Shortelise on July 6, 2005, at 14:34:15
In reply to ....not sure what to call this ...(*t* warning), posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
This just makes no sense, so trying to figure it out without some input from your former T is an impossibility.
You can't know.
Send me her phone number - I'll call her.
ShortE
Posted by pinkeye on July 6, 2005, at 16:51:24
In reply to not sure » shrinking violet, posted by Shortelise on July 6, 2005, at 14:34:15
From my experience, trying to sort out anything with an ex T is a waste of time and energy. They would not reply, and it would only make you feel more worse. I am sure they have their reason, but it causes more damage than it heals. But that is my experience.. yours could be different. A better thing would be to really try to move on and focus on other things. But I know it is almost next to impossible to do that.
SV - is there anyone you know who could subsitute your ex T for you? A friend, or a pastor, or a co student? Someone you can hold in confidence and talk things with?
Posted by Shortelise on July 6, 2005, at 22:25:17
In reply to Re: not sure » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on July 6, 2005, at 16:51:24
Oddly enough, I am still in touch with the psychiatrist I saw from 1973-76. We exchange letters once every few years.
So, yes, my experience is different. But otherwise, I don't think I was suggesting that Violet try to work things out with her T. I was only saying that she might be banging her head against the wall trying to figure it out.
ShortE
Posted by shrinking violet on July 8, 2005, at 13:58:47
In reply to Re: not sure » Shortelise, posted by pinkeye on July 6, 2005, at 16:51:24
Hi everyone,
Well, I managed to give myself a fairly substantial corneal abrasion on my right eye (don't ask how, it's mildly embarrassing). Today is the first day since Tuesday that I've been even able to keep my "good" eye open for an extended period. My injured eye is patched, and still sore and painful, but thankfully much better than it was the past couple of days; I literally couldn't open my eyes at all.
I just wanted to quickly thank all of you who responded to my post. I will write individual replies when my eyes feel more up to it.
Also, ShortElise, your offer to call my T was so sweet! You made me laugh, thank you!
And getting referrals from my T would be a good idea, except she already mailed me a list of three outside referrals shortly after our termination. I know it's fruitless to keep going round and round about this, until I get some input from her, but that may never happen, and I don't know if I can let it go that easily. There's just too much left unsaid and unfinished to leave it alone, and I feel that getting another T isn't possible until I get past the feeling of negative experience with my ex-T...Which may never happen if I don't speak with her, etc. A circular thing....Never good, but there it is.
Anyway, I should rest my eye.
Thank you all agin, for your support anD understanding. I'm so glad I found PB.
Forgive any typos!sv
Posted by Jazzed on July 8, 2005, at 14:21:24
In reply to a quick thank you to all...(and eye update), posted by shrinking violet on July 8, 2005, at 13:58:47
> Hi everyone,
>
> Well, I managed to give myself a fairly substantial corneal abrasion on my right eye (don't ask how, it's mildly embarrassing). Today is the first day since Tuesday that I've been even able to keep my "good" eye open for an extended period. My injured eye is patched, and still sore and painful, but thankfully much better than it was the past couple of days; I literally couldn't open my eyes at all.
>
Take care of that eye SV! I used to be an optician. You should be just fine. Did you go to a doc, or an eye doc? If not, make sure you don't keep the bad eye patched too long. If you did go to a doc, then don't worry about it, I'm sure they're giving you the "what to do" list.
Abrasions do hurt, don't they?! Ouch! Do you wear contacts? sometimes they get rips that we don't notice and that can scratch the cornea. Of course any teeny thing in your eye can scratch it.Take care,
Jazzy
Posted by shrinking violet on July 8, 2005, at 14:36:10
In reply to Re: a quick thank you to all...(and eye update) » shrinking violet, posted by Jazzed on July 8, 2005, at 14:21:24
>
> Take care of that eye SV! I used to be an optician. You should be just fine. Did you go to a doc, or an eye doc? If not, make sure you don't keep the bad eye patched too long. If you did go to a doc, then don't worry about it, I'm sure they're giving you the "what to do" list.
> Abrasions do hurt, don't they?! Ouch! Do you wear contacts? sometimes they get rips that we don't notice and that can scratch the cornea. Of course any teeny thing in your eye can scratch it.
>
> Take care,
> Jazzy
Hm, I went to the ER. They said if it's very bad, they refer the patient to an eye doc, but in my case they didn't, so the nurse said it probably isn't too serious. I do still have the patch on, she just said to take it off at my discretion. Should I take it off? Would keeping it on be worse? Why? I figure it helps to keep it closed and to keep the ointment from leaking out (I have to put in antiobiotic ointment on a few times a day, too keep it from infection)....?
No, I dont wear contacts, thankfully. That would be worse! I injured it the "old fashioned" idiot way, by banging myself in the eye with my thumb. :-/
Thanks!
sv
Posted by Jazzed on July 8, 2005, at 14:45:53
In reply to Re: a quick thank you to all...(and eye update) » Jazzed, posted by shrinking violet on July 8, 2005, at 14:36:10
Take it off when your eye feels better. I'm talking like don't leave it on there for weeks! LOL Some people do that and the other eye just takes over. I'm sure in a couple of days at the most, you'll be screaming to take it off and get back to normal, till then just take care of it.
Oh, btw, keep your thumb out of your eye! LOL
Just kidding SV!Jazzy
>
> Hm, I went to the ER. They said if it's very bad, they refer the patient to an eye doc, but in my case they didn't, so the nurse said it probably isn't too serious. I do still have the patch on, she just said to take it off at my discretion. Should I take it off? Would keeping it on be worse? Why? I figure it helps to keep it closed and to keep the ointment from leaking out (I have to put in antiobiotic ointment on a few times a day, too keep it from infection)....?
> No, I dont wear contacts, thankfully. That would be worse! I injured it the "old fashioned" idiot way, by banging myself in the eye with my thumb. :-/
> Thanks!
> sv
>
Posted by shrinking violet on July 8, 2005, at 14:49:38
In reply to Re: a quick thank you to all...(and eye update) » shrinking violet, posted by Jazzed on July 8, 2005, at 14:45:53
ha! very funny!
Thanks Jazzy. Whew, I was worried there for a minute. Yeah, in a day or so I'll probably be tearing it off, but as long as it feels good with on, I'll leave it. I can't see more than a blur out of it anyway. :-/
Thank you!!
sv
> Take it off when your eye feels better. I'm talking like don't leave it on there for weeks! LOL Some people do that and the other eye just takes over. I'm sure in a couple of days at the most, you'll be screaming to take it off and get back to normal, till then just take care of it.
>
> Oh, btw, keep your thumb out of your eye! LOL
> Just kidding SV!
>
> Jazzy
This is the end of the thread.
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