Posted by shrinking violet on July 5, 2005, at 18:54:45
I'm not sure what subject would adequately convey this, and I'm not really sure what I'll say, but just in case, please heed the *T* warning if it's safer for you to do so.
Hm, earlier I was lying in bed crying, and I "wrote" a post in my head, and all the words and thoughts came out smoothly and accurately. I almost got up to post then, but I was hoping I'd fall asleep and I think I did, albeit for a little while. Now, staring at the keyboard, I have no idea how to write what's inside.
Of course, you probably guessed by now this has something to do with my (ex) T. :-( I can go a few days suppressing thoughts and feelings about everything, but inevitably they come bubbling up, like a rubber ball you hold under water but it always bounces back to the surface when you take your hand away. Today is one of those days.
I keep asking myself how my T could remove herself from me, so neatly and quickly, especially when I still need her. I've been thinking, and I'm not altogether sure our therapeutic relationship could have lasted much longer the way things were going, but, I felt that I was just at the end of that "phase" and moving into another. And I was and did. Had she hung in there with me a bit longer, I think it would have gotten better. But I guess she couldn't and didn't. We still have so much to "put to rest" between us, I think. And it's hard, feeling that way. I wonder if she would do anything differently now, or if she would do something if she knew how her reaction to me, cutting me off like this so abruptly especially when I have so much going on right now, I wonder if she would try to help, or fix it? Or if she would figure I'd get over it eventually? I'm not unrealistic...I don't want "forever" therapy with her because I know it can't be that way, given where she practices. But is it too much to ask for her to have hung in there with me the way she said she would? To at least see me during this in-between time of waiting to find out whether I got into residential? If I do, fine, she can either be a part of my treatment there or she can step aside, and if I don't, she could help me transition to a new T, but at least either way I would have the chance to ask the questions I need to, get the answers I need, and maybe some support in myself in the interim. But maybe that's asking a lot. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. Does she hate me? Does she think of me? Is she glad that she's rid of me? Why did she terminate the way she did? Why did the last session go so horribly? Would she care if she knew how much I'm suffering right now?
I feel selfish though, b/c I don't know what she went through, either. Working with me was hard for her. Maybe it's best our therapeutic work is over; I think she was too emotionally involved, and I think I cared for her too much personally to allow her "in" therapeutically. I just wish we could talk about all of that, so I won't have to wonder anymore. I half-wish that someone--my sister or a friend--would contact my t somehow and tell her this isn't right, that I need her for just a bit longer. I feel so guilty for thinking and saying that, even here.
I have to end this here....There were/are other things I had needed to say, but while writing this post I hurt my eye (I think I may have scratched my cornea, or something, not sure) and it's very difficult (and slow) to type one-handed, the bright screen is even hurting my other eye, and my vision isn't the best right now, so I'll stop here -- I can hear the collective sigh of relief ;-)
I don't expect any responses to this nonsense. I'm sorry for anyone who read this, but I do also thank you very much.
Take care Babblers,
sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:523924
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/523924.html