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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
i was supposed to call pdoc and talk about zyprexa. i can't...i just can't do it. i have appt. in two weeks but...i don't want it.
-i don't think i want help. as horrible as some of those up/freak out feelings are, they pass. and i in a sick way feel stronger. This is how i am. have always been. i don't want it to go away. i'm afraid 'i' will disappear. (i told my T this yesterday). i told him i'd talk with pdoc about meds...but.-something inside me, like with restricting my food (ED issue) is i think transfering once more this time to my meds. now my last depression S.ideation was So close, and so severe that i know i don't want to go down that well and my level of AD is working so i'm ok with that. but, my 'freak out sessions' the bad ones last only a few hours (where i'm really on a different plain)-and then i actually feel like everyone is against me and i get angry at the drugs to supress 'me'. Then i would fight tooth and nail not to take the meds. but now i'm calm and just in no way want them. i almost feel like they will take 'me' away and put in this bland_human with no deep/real thoughts and curiosities.
even when it gets bad like this weekend (and after talking with T) i figure i can fight this.
-oooh, just said it...maybe i'm obsesssed with 'fighting it'...man i think i had some type of breakthough. all along i've been 'fighting', fighting depression, fighting with meds...maybe the thought of the meds working either eliminates my 'fighting' or will make me 'face' another fight that i don't want to do?ok so maybe this conversation split into two topics and is more with myself...but???
b2c.
Posted by antigua on March 15, 2005, at 10:56:58
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
Sounds like you might be on to something with all that fighting. Relax a little and see what you can learn about yourself.
I know what you mean about the meds; I'm fighting them right now. My problem is that my worst moments can do a lot of damage, even though they maynot last long. So should we see if we could cope and suffer the consequences if we run into trouble? Saying it to you makes me think it may not be worth the risk, but I don't see it for my own life.
Keep thinking!
antigua
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 12:13:12
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
I see you having such a terrible struggle with feeling, the lack of feeling and the desire to feel more and the necessity not to feel what really needs to be felt to make all this change ... (((B2Chica)))
Posted by sunny10 on March 15, 2005, at 12:38:23
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 12:13:12
I know what you mean, B2Chica, but I don't feel comfortable elaborating... I don't want to make anyone feel worse...
Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 15, 2005, at 13:54:08
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
Yeah, you aren't alone in this.
I had a friend who used to SI and he had dysthymia pretty bad. He had a similar thing for anti-depressant medications. The most important thing in the world to him was his acting (theatre) and poetry. He was afraid that his creativity would be stifled and that he would turn into an 'ordinary' / bland / boring human being.So he didn't take medication.
But he used to get so bad... And I didn't know what to do... And if he ended up killing himself then he most certainly would not have been able to act or write any more.
But he thought that was preferable.
I don't really know what to say that may be helpful. I think the purpose of the medication isn't to 'drug' you - it is more to get your brain working 'normally'. So that you don't feel so bad - but so that the 'good' is preserved.
It can be hard to get the balance right... Sometimes you do end up feeling a bit sedated if they are agressively treating you - just trying to keep you alive. But when that is under control then the meds can be reduced so that you find something that helps prevent you getting into those bad places without leaving you feeling drugged.
Thats the idea anyway (I think).
Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 14:08:42
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
ya, it's much more intense and troubling than i could explain in my first writing.
i, at this time 'know" i can handle those situations. however, after this weekend i'm left a little afraid at how 'out of it' i became. when i'm 'in that place', i can't sit back rationale and know the thoughts are wrong, it's getting harder and harder to step back. this weekend i used my freezing technique and when i was convinced and continuually convincing myself that i needed to cut off my left hand- i froze, curled up in a chair and ruminated on the intense need to do this. i allowed my self to figure out different ways to accomplish this task, and allowed my inner voice to say these things but didn't allow myself to move from that chair. it's not that i didn't allow myself to act on this, but more that i focused on 'freezing'.
this last sentence makes me think i'm really not in as much control as i thought i was.
the intensity of these episodes and irrational thought has become So strong. today, now, i know that these thoughts are irrational. when i'm there i can't think far enough to know that...all i can hear, see, know is what my head says..."you must cut it off, completely off, now, cut it off!"
that's all that i can fit in my head. i try to ask myself why, why do i want to do this and my inner voice pushes that out and forces it's thoughts back in...'you MUST do this...NOW!"so now, today...i know i need to get some medication or help for these 'episodes', yet i can't stand the thought of taking medication for it. it's like that 'above- part of me' is fighting the stable...'now' me.
In fact i'm starting to get irritated thinking about it...no, angry. i WON"T take any drugs to supress that part of me. it's me, it's the real me. i WON"T let them kill me.
Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 14:13:11
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me, posted by sunny10 on March 15, 2005, at 12:38:23
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:24:50
In reply to Re: the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 14:08:42
At the risk of getting blocked for sounding like I'm not being supportive and in spite of the fact that I'm being ignored because I'm probably pissing you off, I'm gonna say you said you're being rational today but the last bit here, where you say you're not gnona let them kill you, that doesn't sound really positive so just be positive rational if you can BECAUSE you really have it in you to heal, you know how to focus on freezing which stopped you from cutting off your hand. I don't think you being right hand-less or left hand-less is in your best interest. Some part of you does want to survive, thank god. Now shoot me for being a nerd, or just ignore me again, I'm used to it and I'm going to crawl into a hole now because I always get everything wrong, and I know I'm about to be blocked aren't I? The power of negative thinking, I mean, really.
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:46:57
In reply to Re: the wrong me, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:24:50
> The power of negative thinking, I mean, really.
Just so you know, that was NOT in any way at all a referral to ANYBODY but me, because I thought maybe I'm right but then maybe I'm just being paranoid, you know, over the top because I don't SI the same way, I'm very sensitive to physical pain, I feel the littlest scratch how could I POSSIBLY make anybody think I could understand? And I'm not trying to make you think I understand what you go through, but I'm just giving my perceptions based on my experiences, that's all I ever have to go on. Maybe it isn't enough, but I don't have to always be helping, right, I can just say what I think can't I?
Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 15:07:38
In reply to Re: the wrong me, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 14:24:50
>>At the risk of getting blocked for sounding like I'm not being supportive...
-Contrary, i think you are being supportive, by saying positive things, feedback.
-and a special thank you for the hugs.>>in spite of the fact that I'm being ignored
-please don't ever assume i'm ignoring you. i'm not. as i've been told repeatedly-i'm often in my own little world, and especially so since recent events.
othertimes it's a matter of internet time and interruptions etc.>>because I'm probably pissing you off
-nope.>>Maybe it isn't enough, but I don't have to always be helping, right, I can just say what I think can't I?
-you bet you can. that's what this place is all about. as long as you aren't encouraging harm or being verbally abusive-you can 'just say it'.>>or just ignore me again, I'm used to it and I'm going to crawl into a hole now because I always get everything wrong
-please don't put yourself down like this. you are such a caring person with So much to add. and you shouldn't be 'used to it'. and you pop that head right back out.Smile Susan47.
B2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 15, 2005, at 16:40:16
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
Hi B2C,
That sounds like a terrible dilemma. It also sounds not all that uncommon. If you've been living with the "you" you know for a long time, it makes sense to me that a new "you" would be unknown and scary. Lots of folks prefer the known to the unknown. Being ambivalent about change is normal.What might help is to look at the costs and benefits of potential change. I know this sounds very pragmatic. But it's one of the ways to help someone move from being ambivalent about change to being more committed one way or the other. Try writing out all the things that keep you how you are....what benefits are there to being you as you are now? And what costs or consequences are there? Be brutally honest on both sides. And then what potential benefits and costs might there be to a new you? Again, be brutally honest. This might be something you and your T can work on, too. Because if your T is working towards change and you are not committed to it, you are at cross purposes.
Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and wellness. I like you, AND I think you can be better.
Take care, sweetie.
gg
Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2005, at 17:14:12
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
Just to put in another perspective here, I take ADs, and I struggled at first with the ideas that you desribe as well. But actually, the way it has turned out for me, I think the meds actually liberated me to be *more* myself than I could be without them. I definitely don't feel stifled now, or less creative, or dampened in any way. Just the opposite. I have a lot more enjoyment of everything, and am more open to more possibilities in my life. I feel like before meds (and therapy) was when I was dampened.
I don't have a different personality now . . . it's just a more free version of the one I always had. I still love the same things, and have intense curiosities, and enthusiasms. But now I have more room for those positives than I ever did before.
I just wanted to throw out that it might actually work the opposite way from what you're afraid of. Whatever you end up deciding, I really wish the best for you, and hope that you have much better times to come. If you do try the meds, I hope it works out for you the way it did for me. I know it doesn't for everyone.
pegasus
Posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 21:32:55
In reply to goodness...Susan47, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 15:07:38
Sorry, I'm sorry, I was feeling sorry for myself B2C and I apologize. I'm okay now and thanks for YOUR support too.
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 9:52:07
In reply to Re: goodness...Susan47 » B2chica, posted by Susan47 on March 15, 2005, at 21:32:55
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 9:59:03
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on March 15, 2005, at 16:40:16
thanks for the idea GG.
i did this...boy, putting on paper made a difference. i think the biggest consequence that opened my eyes and what may help me in the near future is i put down children. i want them, but i'm scared to death that i'll screw them up. if i act like i did last weekend not only would that be terrible for them, i would NEVER want to inadvertantly hurt them physically or emotionally. and i realized that (especially after this weekend) that i am really NOT in control over these 'extreme' high emotions. if i can't control my actions from this emotion i would most likely somehow hurt my kids-and/or husband. that's the LAST thing i would ever do.
so...
1)i've decided i will talk with pdoc about SOME type of med to control this behavior...
2)i will keep this list in my bag o'cr@p that i carry around everywhere.
3)i have decided to somehow store in the back of my mind...children. hopeing that if i get to an uncontrollable state again i can hopefully release this thought and somehow pull myself back. AND
4)i will discuss this list with my T this week.even though it was such an OBVIOUS thing to do...(and had even thought of it before) i hadn't done it.
you mentioning it...well.
as always...
THANKS!
b2c.
> Hi B2C,
> That sounds like a terrible dilemma. It also sounds not all that uncommon. If you've been living with the "you" you know for a long time, it makes sense to me that a new "you" would be unknown and scary. Lots of folks prefer the known to the unknown. Being ambivalent about change is normal.
>
> What might help is to look at the costs and benefits of potential change. I know this sounds very pragmatic. But it's one of the ways to help someone move from being ambivalent about change to being more committed one way or the other. Try writing out all the things that keep you how you are....what benefits are there to being you as you are now? And what costs or consequences are there? Be brutally honest on both sides. And then what potential benefits and costs might there be to a new you? Again, be brutally honest. This might be something you and your T can work on, too. Because if your T is working towards change and you are not committed to it, you are at cross purposes.
>
> Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and wellness. I like you, AND I think you can be better.
>
> Take care, sweetie.
> gg
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 10:00:50
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » B2chica, posted by pegasus on March 15, 2005, at 17:14:12
thank you so much for the support P. it's always good to know i'm not alone in this...no matter how messed up i think i am.
btw- how are you doing? when's the big date?
b2c.> Just to put in another perspective here, I take ADs, and I struggled at first with the ideas that you desribe as well. But actually, the way it has turned out for me, I think the meds actually liberated me to be *more* myself than I could be without them. I definitely don't feel stifled now, or less creative, or dampened in any way. Just the opposite. I have a lot more enjoyment of everything, and am more open to more possibilities in my life. I feel like before meds (and therapy) was when I was dampened.
>
> I don't have a different personality now . . . it's just a more free version of the one I always had. I still love the same things, and have intense curiosities, and enthusiasms. But now I have more room for those positives than I ever did before.
>
> I just wanted to throw out that it might actually work the opposite way from what you're afraid of. Whatever you end up deciding, I really wish the best for you, and hope that you have much better times to come. If you do try the meds, I hope it works out for you the way it did for me. I know it doesn't for everyone.
>
> pegasus
Posted by pegasus on March 16, 2005, at 10:12:55
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » pegasus, posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 10:00:50
Oh, gosh you're welcome. I know what a struggle it is, and I really empathize. For me, the decision that I wanted kids also motivated me to try meds, and to keep trying when the first ones didn't work. Even my normally very supportive husband agreed that he was worried about me being a parent when my bad times were getting out of control. When I got it more under control with the right meds, he became a lot more pro kids. That's part of why it took us so long to try to become parents . . . and by then it was apparently almost too late! So I'm very grateful now.
My bambino is due on April 19. 5 weeks away! I'm very excited, and not too anxious. She's really big (I look pretty ridiculous now), but I have enjoyed being pregnant!
Much luck to you. Please let us know how it goes.
pegasus
Posted by gardenergirl on March 16, 2005, at 10:20:17
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 9:59:03
I'm glad it was helpful. Actually, I should do this myself regarding my dissertation. Hmmm, take my own advice? What a concept. :)
Take care, sweetie.
Hugs,
gg
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 11:37:12
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » B2chica, posted by pegasus on March 16, 2005, at 10:12:55
wow, that soon already!
-and i know you talked about this early on but i can't remember. did you decide to go completely off meds for pregnancy or did you end up staying on some? can i ask if you are still using, which drugs you are on?
right now i'm taking ritalin, xanax, inderol, wellbutrinXL and was zyprexa and probably again.
now i know ritalin and xanax are big nono's for pregnancy but not sure about the others. i will certainly talk about this to my doctors before it happens but would like to hear maybe how or what made you decide what you chose to do RE: medications.-and my docs have said that sometimes hormones can actually help level you out so you may be ok during preg. and off meds...what's your take?
Thanks P.
b2c
> My bambino is due on April 19. 5 weeks away! I'm very excited, and not too anxious. She's really big (I look pretty ridiculous now), but I have enjoyed being pregnant!
>
> Much luck to you. Please let us know how it goes.
>
> pegasus
Posted by pegasus on March 16, 2005, at 12:19:05
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » pegasus, posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 11:37:12
Yeah, meds during pregnancy was a big issue for me. At the moment I'm on Paxil (and meds for some medical conditions as well). I looked into the current research about Paxil and pregnancy, and it seemed that there weren't any studies that showed problems for babies born to moms on any of the SSRIs. Although more recently there have been some studies about negative but temporary effects on the babies once they're born, because they go through withdrawal (or whatever you want to call it when you quit an SSRI). Paxil is worse for that than the others, because it has a short half life.
I did find that I felt more emotionally stable during pregnancy, at least up until the end here. So it was ok to drop other meds. Lately it does seem like the Paxil isn't working quite as well, but so far it's still good enough that I haven't upped my dose. But I think the pregnancy hormones were helpful to me. I know for some people it can go the opposite way. I've had pretty emotionally stable friends just fall apart when pregnant.
One good thing is that I had just switched to a really good pdoc before I got pregnant. She and my T and my husband have all been helping to monitor how I'm doing. Sometimes it's hard to know what's just normal pregnancy anxiety or a bad week, and what's my old stuff coming back. So I'm really glad for their help. I think having a good team around you is key to the whole pregnancy/meds thing.
pegasus
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 14:36:46
In reply to Re: accepting the wrong me » B2chica, posted by pegasus on March 16, 2005, at 12:19:05
This is the end of the thread.
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