Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 14:08:42
In reply to accepting the wrong me, posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:18:33
ya, it's much more intense and troubling than i could explain in my first writing.
i, at this time 'know" i can handle those situations. however, after this weekend i'm left a little afraid at how 'out of it' i became. when i'm 'in that place', i can't sit back rationale and know the thoughts are wrong, it's getting harder and harder to step back. this weekend i used my freezing technique and when i was convinced and continuually convincing myself that i needed to cut off my left hand- i froze, curled up in a chair and ruminated on the intense need to do this. i allowed my self to figure out different ways to accomplish this task, and allowed my inner voice to say these things but didn't allow myself to move from that chair. it's not that i didn't allow myself to act on this, but more that i focused on 'freezing'.
this last sentence makes me think i'm really not in as much control as i thought i was.
the intensity of these episodes and irrational thought has become So strong. today, now, i know that these thoughts are irrational. when i'm there i can't think far enough to know that...all i can hear, see, know is what my head says..."you must cut it off, completely off, now, cut it off!"
that's all that i can fit in my head. i try to ask myself why, why do i want to do this and my inner voice pushes that out and forces it's thoughts back in...'you MUST do this...NOW!"so now, today...i know i need to get some medication or help for these 'episodes', yet i can't stand the thought of taking medication for it. it's like that 'above- part of me' is fighting the stable...'now' me.
In fact i'm starting to get irritated thinking about it...no, angry. i WON"T take any drugs to supress that part of me. it's me, it's the real me. i WON"T let them kill me.
poster:B2chica
thread:471255
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/471338.html