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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 4, 2003, at 7:15:59
Hi, everyone,
Welcome to this new board! I hope it helps to have one specifically for grief, mourning, and loss.
Bob
Posted by PHV on October 18, 2003, at 23:40:46
In reply to Welcome!, posted by Dr. Bob on September 4, 2003, at 7:15:59
Hi there. I thought I was miles ahead in my grieving process from the great losses I've suffered w/in the past year - but was thrown for a loop last evening.
A little over one year ago, the matriarch of our family, my grandmother passed away. She had been gravely ill for so many years, I became accustomed to her always pulling through. I don't think I was really prepared when she passed away. One of the most difficult things was that her sister lived with her for their entire lives. Her sister (my great aunt) had never had to taken care of herself for over 80 years. My aunt suffered such extreme depression and her health continued to fail for many months - with no one except another aunt and myself to care for her. She shocked us all during her road to recovery, and unexpectedly passed away just five months after her sister. They have been a part of my whole entire life and I can't get over how great a loss their deaths have contributed to this family. Halloween coming up is quite bothersome especially. We have brought my nieces and nephews over to their house in costume every year to see them - and last year we brought them over to seem my aunt - after my grandmother had passed. Now on this year, my neice told me they aren't there anymore so we don't need to go over there.
Last night my boyfriend and I were driving home from dinner. We went through the neighborhood where one of my best girlfriends lived a year ago. She died in her very early 30's earlier this year from a brain tumor - leaving behind her husband and three year old child. It was the most traumatic two plus years of our lives - watching a virtully young, healthy woman lose her fight with brain cancer when she wanted so much to live.
Since I started taking Lex in July - due to the difficulty of handling these close deaths - I seemed to really be burying some of these feelings of grief. But when we drove through my girlfriend's neighborhood last night - I couldh't help but think so much about what we were doing this time last year when she still seemed so unseemly healthy and we thought she would make it. She did so well for so long - and then within a matter of weeks, her tiny little body was overwhelmed with the tumor and took her away from us so quickly. I don't understand how God can take away such a wonderful person such as Beth. She was such sweet, smart person who loved her husband and her son more than anything in the world. I just don't understand how something so terrible can happen to such a good person.
Her husband sold their house within a month of so after her passing and bought a house just a few blocks from my home. I see him regularly. He initially started making me feel better - that he and their son were moving ahead with their lives. After all - they had over 2 + years to deal with the reality that lied ahead - so there had to be some sort of relief when she was gone. On the otherhand, sometimes I look at him - and all I can think of is this poor young man in his early 30's being a single parent and a widower from losing the love of his life.
I dunno. I get so emotional for not over the extreme losses in my life - but for the tolls it has taken on some of the loved ones.
I know dying is a part of life . . . I guess I'm just having a really bad day - missing the three beautiful women who left my life so quickly.
Thank you all for listening.
Patty
Posted by Dinah on October 25, 2003, at 13:02:07
In reply to Deaths of 3 loved ones within one year, posted by PHV on October 18, 2003, at 23:40:46
Hi Patty,
That is a lot to have to deal with in a short period of time. Be kind to yourself. It takes a while to get over these things and even after you do, they still pop up and bring grief sometimes.
My best real life friend died about a year and a half ago. And there are times when something just clicks, and I feel the grief as freshly as if it were yesterday. Maybe it's something that reminds me of her, or an anniversary, or thinking about her kids.
It's natural and it's normal.
I wish you peace in dealing with it all.
Dinah
Posted by Tomorrow on November 24, 2003, at 19:11:51
In reply to Re: Deaths of 3 loved ones within one year (nm), posted by Tomorrow on November 24, 2003, at 18:57:53
Patty
Information from the articles listed below helped me cope with the deaths of two very close family members.
My mother died in my arms as I tried to save her with CPR.My nephew who died in his early twenties on the operating table after being a diabetic from birth.
Understanding who causes our deaths and why God permits death for now but will reverse its effect soon are explained.
Love
TomIf you feel this helps please share with someone else.
Posted by ramsea on January 22, 2004, at 9:37:41
In reply to Deaths of 3 loved ones within one year, posted by PHV on October 18, 2003, at 23:40:46
There is no way an experience like this can be played off. It is so true, that the only way to deal with grief is to go through it. We have to find our own peace with each of our loved ones who have passed on. I read a quote today I sort of like. A man was suffering very badly from grief and crying out, It is bad! It is bad! And a sage said, Nothing we endure is bad--G-d does not give bad things. But you can say, It is Bitter! It is Bitter! For many medicinal herbs are bitter.
Now I think there is something in that quote that helps me. The implication, that what we endure while very bitter may eventually heal us in some way.
I had 3 losses myself in a short period of time several years ago. I didn't cope well--I had a major breakdown. Now I am consciously trying to find ways to process my feelings of desperate sorrow, sadness, pathos and loss. This is not easy.My hope for you is that you will find ways to go through this hard time that help you stay well enough to find continued meaning and purpose in your suffering. Forgive me please if this doesn't make sense. I may well be out of my depth here. Stay well.
Posted by EdieSue on January 22, 2004, at 15:43:57
In reply to Re: grieving your losses, posted by ramsea on January 22, 2004, at 9:37:41
Is there help out there? I also lost 3 people last year.... I can't seem top get over it and it has been very complicated by therapy. My 1st t was an EAP counsellor, who I could only see me for a short time.... after that was over she continued to have a semi- personal relationship with me. When she realized what she was doing, we argued and argued, I tried to take my life and she has now cut me off... I have a new t, but i'm having allot of trouble trusting.... I love my first therapist and want her back.... where do I get relief?
Posted by ramsea on January 24, 2004, at 20:49:08
In reply to Re: grieving your losses, posted by EdieSue on January 22, 2004, at 15:43:57
It sounds like you are in crisis. I don't know where you live, but first of all, go to ER immediately if you are feeling overwhelmed with self-harm thoughts. Your body and mind are very stressed, the stress of your great grief is causing imbalance in your mind. This isn't the time to think things through and sort out your life all at once. In my laywoman opinion you need rest, support and intelligent care. The grief can be processed, and you can get through this. You already know this, as you have already sought out professional help. Now is the time to seek out some more, and please don't give up if there is an obstacle or two in the path of finding the right t. I believe that your former t is trying to make right her mistake of befriending you, when you needed professional distance to get the help required. She made a mistake, and it is professioanl and correct for her to terminate the relationship between you. Can you see that it isn't you, the real you that she obviously liked a lot and find attractive, that she is rejecting? She is rejecting the client-you, the one she wasn't supposed to befriend. That was wrong of her, but she realized her wrong and is trying to help you by making it right---letting you find another t who will not make the profesional error of seeing you as a friend. So it isn't you that is abandoned, it is the imposssibility of an ethical or helpful relationship that she is honoring here. And in a way that shows respect for you, and real caring human feeling. We all make mistakes in our jobs. She made a mistake. But now she is righting it. She cares enough for you to want you to have better help than she can give. That is a good move, and shows honor. Can you see that? She has to let you go. But you also have to let her go, as you are in no condition from the sound of it to deal with the complexity a relationship between the two of you would undoubtedly bring. There could be problems for her in losing her job even, losing her profession. It sounds potentially very heavy. Do you think you could take on more burdens like this and not suffer more? Let her go. If fate brings you back in the future, it will be. If not, I believe you will have moved on to more fruitful, equal relationships that are not born in the power imbalance of therapist/client.
This is only one part of the deep, disturbing condition you appear to be in. If going to ER isn't necessary, what other supports do you have in your life? Family, friends? Co-workers, job? Compelling interests, hobbies? Do you have a Crisis Team to phone/visit? Are you on any meds? Before you suffered three losses, did you suffer from mental turmoil that was a true problem for you?
Lots of questions, but I do care, and hope you are alright as you read this. Believe it or not, there are lots of caring people around. The job now is to make sure you find a few to help you get through this time safely. Your life matters, and you deserve to live and be productive. Write and say more if you feel like it. I will listen. Be gentle with yourself just for today. Wishing you balance.
Posted by EdieSue on January 30, 2004, at 15:27:58
In reply to Re: seeking help, posted by ramsea on January 24, 2004, at 20:49:08
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. you seem like a godsend to me.... so much of what you say sounds right on. I never thought that her leaving was "honoring" me and real human caring. That helps actually. I'm so glad there IS someone out there. I feel like i will miss her forever!!!! I never felt soooo love in my whole life. I think about her every day! I have suffered from depression for a good part of my life. I have been on med for 8 years. I don't want to let her go!! I'm obssessed. I trying to work with the new t, but she's not her! And I think i resent her for that. I think the first t should finish what she started... it's ripping my heart out! My husband is't very supportive... maybe he can't be... he lost his mother this year too. I lost my mother in death... but i never really had her... she abondoned be as a child and then again as an adult.... i don't think you ever over the pain... and now I feel like t #1 did the same thing.... please keep writing... i'm desparate.
It sounds like you are in crisis. I don't know where you live, but first of all, go to ER immediately if you are feeling overwhelmed with self-harm thoughts. Your body and mind are very stressed, the stress of your great grief is causing imbalance in your mind. This isn't the time to think things through and sort out your life all at once. In my laywoman opinion you need rest, support and intelligent care. The grief can be processed, and you can get through this. You already know this, as you have already sought out professional help. Now is the time to seek out some more, and please don't give up if there is an obstacle or two in the path of finding the right t. I believe that your former t is trying to make right her mistake of befriending you, when you needed professional distance to get the help required. She made a mistake, and it is professioanl and correct for her to terminate the relationship between you. Can you see that it isn't you, the real you that she obviously liked a lot and find attractive, that she is rejecting? She is rejecting the client-you, the one she wasn't supposed to befriend. That was wrong of her, but she realized her wrong and is trying to help you by making it right---letting you find another t who will not make the profesional error of seeing you as a friend. So it isn't you that is abandoned, it is the imposssibility of an ethical or helpful relationship that she is honoring here. And in a way that shows respect for you, and real caring human feeling. We all make mistakes in our jobs. She made a mistake. But now she is righting it. She cares enough for you to want you to have better help than she can give. That is a good move, and shows honor. Can you see that? She has to let you go. But you also have to let her go, as you are in no condition from the sound of it to deal with the complexity a relationship between the two of you would undoubtedly bring. There could be problems for her in losing her job even, losing her profession. It sounds potentially very heavy. Do you think you could take on more burdens like this and not suffer more? Let her go. If fate brings you back in the future, it will be. If not, I believe you will have moved on to more fruitful, equal relationships that are not born in the power imbalance of therapist/client.
>
> This is only one part of the deep, disturbing condition you appear to be in. If going to ER isn't necessary, what other supports do you have in your life? Family, friends? Co-workers, job? Compelling interests, hobbies? Do you have a Crisis Team to phone/visit? Are you on any meds? Before you suffered three losses, did you suffer from mental turmoil that was a true problem for you?
>
> Lots of questions, but I do care, and hope you are alright as you read this. Believe it or not, there are lots of caring people around. The job now is to make sure you find a few to help you get through this time safely. Your life matters, and you deserve to live and be productive. Write and say more if you feel like it. I will listen. Be gentle with yourself just for today. Wishing you balance.
Posted by ramsea on February 6, 2004, at 11:10:35
In reply to Re: seeking help, posted by EdieSue on January 30, 2004, at 15:27:58
You do sound desperate. I hope since writing your last note things are settling a little? It may be that your current T will be able to help you deal with some of these issues--abandonment, betrayal, feeling totally at sea without her in your life. There are therapies that can help immensely with issues like this and I am wondering if you are already getting therapy at this level? You say you've been on meds for 8 years--do you feel like saying what the meds are and what they address? Maybe a med overhaul would help too. The main thing to remember is there are plenty of options. You can go through this and come out the other side a wiser and more balanced person. Keep your options open and experimental, you never know what just might help. So how are you getting on anyway? Is it at crisis level? Take care & wishing you well. ramsea
Posted by EdieSue on February 12, 2004, at 12:56:05
In reply to Re: grief » EdieSue, posted by ramsea on February 6, 2004, at 11:10:35
I am so glad to see your post. I don't feel i'm at the crises level any more, although I have my moments. I recently had a med overhaul, which is probably why i am still here. I am on Zoloft & Resperdal. I was taking Trazadone to sleep, along with an Ativan, but they just took me off Trazadone and put me on Ambien. I'll see how that works out for sleeping. I don't know what kind of therapy you are talking about, but my current t is a psychodynamic therapist. Thing s are getting better between us, I am starting to trust her, I just owrry so much about having to leave her. I can't stand when people leave. It seems that the first t abandoned me, just like my mother did,( my mother gave me to my grandmother when I was 2 , I met her again when i was 21, but she sent me out of her life again when I was 31) so now I feel like I was miss her forever. When I leave the new t, won't I just be repeating the same scenario? Trust & leave...
Posted by ramsea on February 12, 2004, at 13:41:59
In reply to Thank you, posted by EdieSue on February 12, 2004, at 12:56:05
It's good news that the crisis level has simmered down. I'm glad for you. No real wisdom to offer, but one thing strikes me---when you were abandoned all those times long ago, you were a child. You are an adult now, and an adult who is in a state of learning new tools for living well, tolerating distress better, and all that. So really, it isn't the same thing at all. You aren't the same person you were a year ago, and you sure aren't a little kid anymore. You will hopefuly find that you have developed new strengths and don't have to be a victim anymore in relationships. You have more choice, more freedom, more say. The situation is in some ways better now than it ever was. You are on equal terms with any T or doc--not interms of their job, but as a human being. Adult/Adult. I hope that makes sense--there is some truth in this, as I have seen it for myself. Stay well & I loved hearing back from ya. ramsea
Posted by EdieSue on February 14, 2004, at 17:51:55
In reply to Re: same thing?, posted by ramsea on February 12, 2004, at 13:41:59
It is good to hear from you too. I like having someone "out there". Took a 3 day weekend from work... needed it to re group. Sometimes I feel like I can't take any stress at all anymore...i've been feeling to overwelmed for so long. It will be a year since the 2nd death in just a couple of weeks. I wonder if you feel the same every year? The sense of dread....Enjoy the weekend.... hope you can spend it with friends and loved ones.... thanks for being there....
This is the end of the thread.
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