Posted by EdieSue on January 30, 2004, at 15:27:58
In reply to Re: seeking help, posted by ramsea on January 24, 2004, at 20:49:08
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. you seem like a godsend to me.... so much of what you say sounds right on. I never thought that her leaving was "honoring" me and real human caring. That helps actually. I'm so glad there IS someone out there. I feel like i will miss her forever!!!! I never felt soooo love in my whole life. I think about her every day! I have suffered from depression for a good part of my life. I have been on med for 8 years. I don't want to let her go!! I'm obssessed. I trying to work with the new t, but she's not her! And I think i resent her for that. I think the first t should finish what she started... it's ripping my heart out! My husband is't very supportive... maybe he can't be... he lost his mother this year too. I lost my mother in death... but i never really had her... she abondoned be as a child and then again as an adult.... i don't think you ever over the pain... and now I feel like t #1 did the same thing.... please keep writing... i'm desparate.
It sounds like you are in crisis. I don't know where you live, but first of all, go to ER immediately if you are feeling overwhelmed with self-harm thoughts. Your body and mind are very stressed, the stress of your great grief is causing imbalance in your mind. This isn't the time to think things through and sort out your life all at once. In my laywoman opinion you need rest, support and intelligent care. The grief can be processed, and you can get through this. You already know this, as you have already sought out professional help. Now is the time to seek out some more, and please don't give up if there is an obstacle or two in the path of finding the right t. I believe that your former t is trying to make right her mistake of befriending you, when you needed professional distance to get the help required. She made a mistake, and it is professioanl and correct for her to terminate the relationship between you. Can you see that it isn't you, the real you that she obviously liked a lot and find attractive, that she is rejecting? She is rejecting the client-you, the one she wasn't supposed to befriend. That was wrong of her, but she realized her wrong and is trying to help you by making it right---letting you find another t who will not make the profesional error of seeing you as a friend. So it isn't you that is abandoned, it is the imposssibility of an ethical or helpful relationship that she is honoring here. And in a way that shows respect for you, and real caring human feeling. We all make mistakes in our jobs. She made a mistake. But now she is righting it. She cares enough for you to want you to have better help than she can give. That is a good move, and shows honor. Can you see that? She has to let you go. But you also have to let her go, as you are in no condition from the sound of it to deal with the complexity a relationship between the two of you would undoubtedly bring. There could be problems for her in losing her job even, losing her profession. It sounds potentially very heavy. Do you think you could take on more burdens like this and not suffer more? Let her go. If fate brings you back in the future, it will be. If not, I believe you will have moved on to more fruitful, equal relationships that are not born in the power imbalance of therapist/client.
> This is only one part of the deep, disturbing condition you appear to be in. If going to ER isn't necessary, what other supports do you have in your life? Family, friends? Co-workers, job? Compelling interests, hobbies? Do you have a Crisis Team to phone/visit? Are you on any meds? Before you suffered three losses, did you suffer from mental turmoil that was a true problem for you?
> Lots of questions, but I do care, and hope you are alright as you read this. Believe it or not, there are lots of caring people around. The job now is to make sure you find a few to help you get through this time safely. Your life matters, and you deserve to live and be productive. Write and say more if you feel like it. I will listen. Be gentle with yourself just for today. Wishing you balance.