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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
I am in hell right now. I cannot function I'm so depressed. I can't focus on anything, I just want to cry. I feel as if my life is over. Just one week ago I was feeling fine, focused, work going well, and in a good groove. Then I smoked some methamphetamine for about four or five hours -- not sure how much as I was already blacking out from alcohol, but probably six or seven puffs -- on Friday night after already having had cocaine and alcohol, and when I got home I immediately crashed and felt terrible. I woke up a few hours later extremely depressed and worried and jittery, and since then I've just wanted to sleep, my head has felt engulfed in blackness, the thought of concentrating on something makes me want to cry, I just feel like everything is over. What have I done? :-( All this from one night? I am sitting in Starbucks now trying to read the paper and it's pointless. I feel like a zombie. I can't imagine ever thinking clearly again. Did I do permanent damage to my brain from that night? I haven't felt this terrible in years and years. I'm so, so sad. :-(
amd
Posted by Phillipa on April 5, 2013, at 18:02:56
In reply to Hell, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
AMD I feel you should be fine & what you might be feeling is guilt? Phillipa
Posted by linkadge on April 5, 2013, at 18:06:42
In reply to Hell, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
Meth use can leave you feeling down for quite some time. The massive surge in neurotransmitter release takes time to restore. Ensure you are eating high quality complete proteins to help resynthesize neurotransmitters. Some alpha lipoic acid might help. Eat omega-3s to help remyelinate the brain.
Linkadge
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 18:12:37
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by linkadge on April 5, 2013, at 18:06:42
Taking omega-3s since yesterday, also Alpha GPC and a little L-Tyrosine. I am already on an antidepressant and lamotrigine. This sucks. I am sure I'm feeling guilty, but this is not just guilt. This is brain fog and sadness and depression, which I've gone through before. It just isn't lifting and I'm scared. It's getting close to the longest length of time I've ever felt this way, and I don't feel even a gradual dissipation. When things get better will they just get better immediately?
I appreciate the comments and support. I feel lost right now and anything helps. But I am very scared. I can't focus at work, and one thing I can't do right now is lose my job. :-(
amd
> Meth use can leave you feeling down for quite some time. The massive surge in neurotransmitter release takes time to restore. Ensure you are eating high quality complete proteins to help resynthesize neurotransmitters. Some alpha lipoic acid might help. Eat omega-3s to help remyelinate the brain.
>
> Linkadge
>
>
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 18:14:33
In reply to Re: Hell » AMD, posted by Phillipa on April 5, 2013, at 18:02:56
I hope so. I keep thinking perhaps I'm brain damaged and this isn't depression, it's a result of feeling stupid and retarded from the one-time use. I don't know what to do. I'm panicked.
I'm certainly feeling guilty but this goes far beyond that. Guilt is one thing, but being unable to get out of bed, focus on anything, go to the gym, having no appetite. All of this is extremely scary.
amd
> AMD I feel you should be fine & what you might be feeling is guilt? Phillipa
Posted by gadchik on April 5, 2013, at 18:20:38
In reply to Re: Hell » linkadge, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 18:12:37
Please know that our brains and bodies have such a remarkable ability to heal. It happens everyday. People come from terrible things and heal completely. But you have to eat and drink healthy, sleep deeply, walk in the sun, make the effort. Believe that you can get back to normal.I really feel for you. I thought I messed myself up horribly too, but it wasnt forever.
Posted by poser938 on April 5, 2013, at 18:36:35
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by linkadge on April 5, 2013, at 18:06:42
I strongly believe in meds that have 5ht2c antagonism work great in speeding up dopamine production. Maybe try something like mirazapine or cyproheptadine.
Posted by Phil on April 5, 2013, at 19:14:59
In reply to Hell, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
When I quit drink and drugs 30 years ago part of the reason, aside from dying, was it could take a week or more to pull out of a deep depression. I think that's about the time I started meds.
You'll get thru this. Try to treat yourself really good right now and also forgive yourself because it just adds coal to the fire.
Bubble baths, healthy food, fresh air, walk on the beach, whatever. Don't dwell.
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 19:19:35
In reply to Re: Hell » AMD, posted by gadchik on April 5, 2013, at 18:20:38
I really, really hope so. I feel so off right now. Like there's a cloud over me and I'm just walking around in a haze. I can't imagine what it feels like to feel normal any more. One week. How can so much change in one week? Or one night?
amd
> Please know that our brains and bodies have such a remarkable ability to heal. It happens everyday. People come from terrible things and heal completely. But you have to eat and drink healthy, sleep deeply, walk in the sun, make the effort. Believe that you can get back to normal.I really feel for you. I thought I messed myself up horribly too, but it wasnt forever.
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 19:26:48
In reply to Re: Hell » AMD, posted by Phil on April 5, 2013, at 19:14:59
Reassurance from all of you helps, even if I can't fully believe it. I keep telling myself I've felt like this before and pulled out of it, usually after a week, but then another voice tells me, "Yes, but you've done crystal," and the worry and concern comes back. Cocaine as bad as it is is not a neurotoxin, and I know my cycle when I've done it. But this is new territory and I'm freaked out about it because I don't know what the aftermath will be. For all I know I just entered a years-long depression. Trying not to think that way but it would be a lot easier if I felt I could concentrate on anything, that I wasn't just walking around like a zombie.
I hope I pull out of this soon. It's so frustrating and disheartening. It's hard to feel hope when all I see is blackness. Will my feelings come back suddenly, or will I just feel mundane and depressed until one day, with work, I can focus on happiness again? I hope the former not the latter.
amd
> When I quit drink and drugs 30 years ago part of the reason, aside from dying, was it could take a week or more to pull out of a deep depression. I think that's about the time I started meds.
> You'll get thru this. TrRy to treat yourself really good right now and also forgive yourself because it just adds coal to the fire.
> Bubble baths, healthy food, fresh air, walk on the beach, whatever. Don't dwell.
>
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 19:36:26
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by poser938 on April 5, 2013, at 18:36:35
Are these OTC or prescription? I'll check into them, thank you. Partly though I just want to get back to where I was without the help of additional substances, you know? The last thing I'd like to do is begin a cycle of bouncing between new medicines unless I have to.
amd
> I strongly believe in meds that have 5ht2c antagonism work great in speeding up dopamine production. Maybe try something like mirazapine or cyproheptadine.
Posted by poser938 on April 5, 2013, at 19:46:00
In reply to Re: Hell » poser938, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 19:36:26
No they're not otc.
But I've had experince with cyproheptadine after a month on adderall (amphetamine) and for as year I felt like I was in hell. Then after trying a couple of meds I tried Cyproheptadine. After a few weeks on it I felt MUCH better.But more recently I had mirapex do the same thing that addeall did to me. And this time I had to take cyproheptadine for a couple of months and it helped slooowly but surely.
Posted by Phil on April 5, 2013, at 20:24:36
In reply to Re: Hell » Phil, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 19:26:48
I think it's the anxiety that's eating you alive. I was right where you are at and I did buckets of every kind of drug. Total anxiety and depression at the end. My body said, we're stopping now. I don't miss it. You might thank god one day that this happened. Hard to grasp today though.
Posted by linkadge on April 5, 2013, at 20:50:53
In reply to Re: Hell » linkadge, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 18:12:37
I wouldn't imagine an immediate recovery. I would think that it might take a few more weeks.
What factors do you think contributed most to the binge?
Linkadge
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 20:52:22
In reply to Re: Hell » AMD, posted by Phil on April 5, 2013, at 20:24:36
It is certainly not just anxiety, but the anxiety is not helping. I just want the world to go away until my brain chemistry stabilizes. And that's what's keeping me from completely melting down. That it will stabilize and that even though I can't feeling it now, my quick-witted, clear-thinking self will return soon. I hope so. Because this must be depression, I can't even get out of bed or make it to the gym. I'm going to try to force myself to tomorrow, but when even a workout doesn't clear my head (and I tried yesterday) I know I'm in bad shape.
I will try to keep a positive mindset. Still, it'd be a lot easier if I was gradually feeling better. But it usually just happens "likethat" -- I am depressed, and suddenly it just lifts. I can feel it lift. I'm waiting and praying that that moment comes this time but it's not here now.
Thank you for your words of support, they do help.
amd
Posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 20:55:41
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by linkadge on April 5, 2013, at 20:50:53
Loss of inhibition. I've been using cocaine on a weekly basis without severe effects. In fact, aside from the cost in dollars and the hangover the next day, I thought I'd gotten rid of any depression. But this night I found myself in a situation with methamphetamine and it's been hell. I just want to erase that night. Maybe it's a lesson I needed and in the long run will mean health, savings, more than superficial happiness -- that is, its scaring me out of using again -- but at the moment all I feel is mental pain and anguish, and even the thought of doing a substance again doesn't feel like a solution (and I don't want to, indeed).
amd
> I wouldn't imagine an immediate recovery. I would think that it might take a few more weeks.
>
> What factors do you think contributed most to the binge?
>
>
> Linkadge
>
Posted by Zyprexa on April 5, 2013, at 21:31:14
In reply to Hell, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
Smoke pot! It always helps a come down from hard drugs, the few times I took them. Then give it time.
Posted by linkadge on April 6, 2013, at 9:30:15
In reply to Re: Hell » linkadge, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 20:55:41
Sorry, whats your diagnosis, and what medications are you taking?
Linkadge
Posted by AMD on April 6, 2013, at 21:14:49
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by linkadge on April 6, 2013, at 9:30:15
> Sorry, whats your diagnosis, and what medications are you taking?
>
> LinkadgeDepends on the doctor you ask, but generally depression and co-morbid obsessive thoughts. I've been symptom free for almost a decade now despite a once-weekly habit of heavy alcohol and cocaine use.
Then Friday the methamphetamine, and now I feel as if I've regressed ten years into the worst depression of my life. It's now been a week and I still can't focus, get out of bed, or find pleasure in anything. For the first time I have imagined what it might be like to end everything. (I would never do that, but I can now emphasize with those who do.)
And I keep coming back to the same thing: one night. Not even a night. Four hours. Four hours of smoking, maybe half a dozen inhales, and my life feels over. Meth has eaten my brain and I feel as if I'm a vegetable. How can that be? I did some inhalants, too, but nothing severe. Perhaps that's the problem.
All I know is I am in pure hell and want to cry every time I think of it. I just want this depression to end so I can think clearly again, enjoy life, my job. I'm in a panic.
amd
Posted by sigismund on April 7, 2013, at 3:00:17
In reply to Re: Hell » linkadge, posted by AMD on April 6, 2013, at 21:14:49
Meth in itself is not SO toxic (though I'm not a fan of it at all).
I recall you feeling (something like) this years ago.
We take our stability for granted. I know I have. Maybe you did? But we know better when it is gone.
Posted by linkadge on April 7, 2013, at 19:33:17
In reply to Re: Hell » linkadge, posted by AMD on April 6, 2013, at 21:14:49
Drug use can be an indicator of ADD or bipolar. Do you feel that your choice to do meth was an impulsive one?
Do you make impulsive choices in other areas of life, finances, sex, gambling?
I mean, you will eventually feel better. The question is whether the same will happen again.
Linkadge
Posted by AMD on April 7, 2013, at 20:01:52
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by linkadge on April 7, 2013, at 19:33:17
Everyone keeps telling me I'll feel better, but it sure doesn't feel like that. I've had diagnoses of bipolar before, and it was definitely impulsive. I just can't shake the feeling I did permanent damage. But it's hard to think otherwise when one can't focus on anything, when one is sleeping 20 hours a day and feels miserably depressed.
I'm taking Nuvigil but wonder if all that is doing is making things worse. I was on Provigil for years and everything felt fine. Is there a difference that significant?
I just want this feeling to end. I'm afraid to go to bed because I wake up and the depression is back in full force.
amd
> Drug use can be an indicator of ADD or bipolar. Do you feel that your choice to do meth was an impulsive one?
>
> Do you make impulsive choices in other areas of life, finances, sex, gambling?
>
> I mean, you will eventually feel better. The question is whether the same will happen again.
>
> Linkadge
Posted by AMD on April 7, 2013, at 20:03:47
In reply to Re: Hell, posted by sigismund on April 7, 2013, at 3:00:17
You're right, it's been almost 10 years since my last major episode, and this one was triggered by the methamphetamine use. Again, only one night, for a few hours, not a major bender. Yet I can't shake the feeling I did permanent damage in those hours. I wouldn't know how it feels because I've never done it before. Maybe it wasn't meth, maybe it was bath salts or worse. In any event, I keep thinking that whatever it was I'm now cursed to a lifetime of mental handicap.
amd
> Meth in itself is not SO toxic (though I'm not a fan of it at all).
>
> I recall you feeling (something like) this years ago.
>
> We take our stability for granted. I know I have. Maybe you did? But we know better when it is gone.
Posted by schleprock on April 8, 2013, at 21:20:02
In reply to Hell, posted by AMD on April 5, 2013, at 17:21:10
I'm still convinced I suffered permanent brain damage after accidently inhaling bleach fumes about a year ago.
This is the end of the thread.
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