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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2012, at 10:01:24
In reply to med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 9:41:07
B2Chica you function so well. I would imagine a call to the doc will solve the problem of the pristiq. Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 12:54:40
In reply to med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 9:41:07
now that its getting close to my peak rough part of the day i'm really feeling it. very blue, heavy but with anxiety and even a little teary.
i txt pdoc what i should do, wait it out or go back to 100 on pristiq for now.i guess today is what it is.
i'm taking a gabapentin and my perphenazine now.
boy i hope today goes fast.b2
Posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 14:31:09
In reply to med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 9:41:07
he wants me on 100....whew.
so here's my regimine and we'll see how i do.
pristiq 100mg
adderall 20mg, 10mg, 10mg.
perphenazine 2mg 2pm, 2mg nighttime
zyprexa 5mg pm
gabapentin 300mg (rx'd for 5time day but he wants me to cut down to about 3 max) i only take as needed.
xanax 1mg prnoh ya. and one baby asprin in am. now...ugh.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2012, at 20:48:52
In reply to Re: med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 14:31:09
How are you? Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on October 30, 2012, at 9:16:48
In reply to Re: med update... » B2chica, posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2012, at 20:48:52
kinda nervous today. last night my DH kept getting mad at me for things and finally i was in bed crocheting (minding my own business) and he kept asking what i was doing, why i was in the bedroom and not out in theliving room, finally i just said nicely "please leave me alone" he got so pissed told me to "just die and go to hell". :(
after that all i could think of was letting go and dying. i kept thinking i'm really not participating in that world, DH cooks cuz he's been picking up oldest daughter from school which means he's home earlier than i. he also been doing laundry (same reason) HE does grocery shopping. so really what DO i do? as he says i sit on my *ss and crochet. (partly true) but i'm making Christmas gifts for people.Just to give a little insight to my DH for others. its clear that he has Borderline personality disorder and can change his emotions on a dime. i do Love him very much and when its good its great. But he yells alot, and plays mind games turning my words around and such. blames everyone else for things, Never accounts for own actions. And has never lived on his own so doesn't have the maturity or experience which he pretends to have.
BUT he is a good father when hes' not acting all borderline. when he is in a good mood he is a good husband but mostly husband is the last part to play on his list. son first (new)father second then good brother, then good uncle/neighbor, THEN comes being a husband.wow. this became a rant about DH.
sorry. but i was really hurt last night. i'm a religious person and take it seriously when someone tells me to 'go to hell'. i think its terrible. i'd much rather be called names that told that. ESPECIALLY when my meds aren't working that well.So Phillipa sorry, to answer your question. i'm doing a bit better today. i had a good nights rest. no bad dreams. got up a little late but had time to take a shower and feel good that i did.
back to pristiq 100 this morning. i think it may take a couple days to get back better. But i think i do like taking less perphenazine at night. i think pdoc was dead on right when he said that was the cause of all my somnolence.i wish my pdoc was my friend and not just my doctor. i know i cant have both. To be REAL honest, i wish he were my father...
i wish i had someone IRL that i could vent like this too. i just want to be held right now. :`{thanks for listening.
b2
Posted by B2chica on October 30, 2012, at 10:38:28
In reply to med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 9:41:07
for the last hour i cant get the idea of suicide out of my head. i'm afraid to tell anyone. i did txt pdoc. took perphenazine and gabapentin. i have less aggressiveness/assertiveness toward it, but the thoughts are still there. i want to leave work. so i know that i cant.;;;;;;;;;
what happened. i MUST wait this out. it will get better right?
i'm so angry toward self.is this partly cuz of pristiq to 100 and partly cuz of interaction with DH last night?
his words still resonate with me.i've started to cry twice this morning.
i CANT have pristiq cause this...i NEED IT TO WORK.i no other options if is doesnt work.
damn i wish i had help irl right now.
my friend doesnt come to work for another three hours. what should i do. already went for walk too...i have three months of pristiq at home....
Posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 11:07:44
In reply to med update..., posted by B2chica on October 29, 2012, at 9:41:07
I really think you should trade Perphanazine for Klonopin-it'll help more with anxiety.
Eric
Posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 13:21:56
In reply to Re: med update... » B2chica, posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 11:07:44
thanks Eric. i have klonopin at home from failed trial. i got very very angry and aggitated with it. i know opposite of what its supposed to do but fact is there. i think there was at least one other person here that has had similar reaction.
so far i've taken 4 gabapentins i took long lunch and went to friends house to vent about DH, she had exact same issue with her DH. maybe its the moon. IDK.
all i know is the gaba helped with the angry inward energy, but the thoughts are still bombarding so i have my earbuds in and trying to focus on the music and work to distract.
God the thoughts are SO strong. "to die to die to die to be nowhere, to disappear, to die to die to enter into nothingness, to make the pain of despair disappear. i am from nothing, to nothing i will return. off yourself, no one will even notice...you touch no one, it wont matter, people will say it does, but dont believe them, it wont. no one really cares, not until its taken away. if you Really want to be remembered, die."
Posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 13:43:59
In reply to Re: med update..., posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 13:21:56
Posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 13:49:03
In reply to Re: med update..., posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 13:21:56
>i have klonopin at home from failed trial. i got very very angry and aggitated with it.
That's called a paradoxical reaction. You can have them with any benzo. I experienced it with Xanax.
>"...to die to die to die..."
Those are some very obsessive thoughts you are having about death. Would you say you are suicidal?
The Pristiq should be helping with that kind of symptom. MAybe its time to stop it. Did you talk to your doctor about the 'suicidal' thoughts you are having?
Eric
Posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 13:51:12
In reply to Re: med update..., posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 13:21:56
>i have klonopin at home from failed trial. i got very very angry and aggitated with it.
That's called a paradoxical reaction. You can have them with any benzo. I experienced it with Xanax.
>"...to die to die to die..."
Those are some very obsessive thoughts you are having about death. Would you say you are suicidal?
The Pristiq should be helping with that kind of symptom. MAybe its time to stop it. Did you talk to your doctor about the 'suicidal' thoughts you are having?
Where are you at with the Zyprexa?
Eric
Posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 15:00:18
In reply to Re: med update... » b2chica, posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 13:49:03
> >i have klonopin at home from failed trial. i got very very angry and aggitated with it.
>
> That's called a paradoxical reaction. You can have them with any benzo. I experienced it with Xanax.thank you. good to know.
> >"...to die to die to die..."
>
> Those are some very obsessive thoughts you are having about death. Would you say you are suicidal?yes very
> The Pristiq should be helping with that kind of symptom. MAybe its time to stop it. Did you talk to your doctor about the 'suicidal' thoughts you are having?i txt'd him this morning i still haven't heard anything. i started to txt him again and canceled txt. i dont know what to say.
how to say it.
i want to copy what i said here on txt but too long.
i'm so full of energy. so full of self-disdain.i curl with the thought of letting it out. its like a shroud of death is cloaking me.
its seduction is so tempting...
to breathe easy after death comes, i want for peace of mind.
i think i'm ready for an ugly death, inorder to gain peace of mind. i've survived and fought this long, i will try to continue, but i hear it say that its only a matter of time. the time will come when i can no longer fight off the lure of sweet death.
Posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 15:25:05
In reply to Re: med update... » phidippus, posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 15:00:18
>i dont know what to say.
That you're starting to have suicidal thoughts.
>how to say it.
"I'm having suicidal thoughts"
>i'm so full of energy. so full of self-disdain.i curl with the thought of letting it out. its like a shroud of death is cloaking me.
Do you hate yourself?
>to breathe easy after death comes, i want for peace of mind.
Do you really want to die? How do you know death will bring you peace?
>i've survived and fought this long, i will try to continue
You can survive even longer. I hope you continue to fight.
>when i can no longer fight off the lure of sweet death.
The lure you perceive is an illusion. You don't know what death is.
Please check yourself into an ER. I think you need to be safe now. Text your doctor and tell him that's what you're doing.
I'm here for you.
Eric
Posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 15:40:24
In reply to Re: med update... » b2chica, posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 15:25:05
> Do you hate yourself?
hate is a soft word for what i feel.
> >to breathe easy after death comes, i want for peace of mind.
>
> Do you really want to die? How do you know death will bring you peace?part of me wants the pain of death. the physical pain of such a horrible death would be much easier burden to carry than the invisible mind war i carry.
> >i've survived and fought this long, i will try to continue
>
> You can survive even longer. I hope you continue to fight.
>
> >when i can no longer fight off the lure of sweet death.
>
> The lure you perceive is an illusion. You don't know what death is.true, but i know what its not.
> Please check yourself into an ER. I think you need to be safe now. Text your doctor and tell him that's what you're doing.
>
> I'm here for you.
>
> Ericare you really? or are those empty words said in haste and quickly typed to end a conversation and prompted by social norms.
if what you say is true....write me
b.
>
>
>
>
Posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 17:27:55
In reply to Re: med update... » phidippus, posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 15:40:24
>hate is a soft word for what i feel.
All sorts of people live with self-loathing
>part of me wants the pain of death.
What comes after that? Life is painful enough.
>the physical pain of such a horrible death would be much easier burden to carry than the invisible mind war i carry.
how do you know a horrible death would be an easier burden to carry than your mind war?
I want to know more about your mind war. What kind of thoughts are you having?
>are you really? or are those empty words said in haste and quickly typed to end a conversation and prompted by social norms.
I am here.
Eric
Posted by phillipa on October 30, 2012, at 20:17:47
In reply to Re: med update... » phidippus, posted by b2chica on October 30, 2012, at 15:40:24
B2chica I am truly sorry wasn't on computer earlier to hear you. I totally understand and you have to trust me on this. I'm babblemailing you now. Phillipa
Posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 7:52:55
In reply to Re: med update... » b2chica, posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 17:27:55
> >the physical pain of such a horrible death would be much easier burden to carry than the invisible mind war i carry.
> I want to know more about your mind war. What kind of thoughts are you having?those that i listed earlier. "its time to lay down my life, what a perfect day Nov xx to die. so fitting. i have a lot of things to get together, to 'tidy up' before i take my life.
then i know logically that my body will fight to survive no matter what my mind thinks. logically i know that my chances of having a botched suicide attempt are greater than having a completed one. so why try it.
then my brain combats back " then you better get it right the first time" "do it right" the sure way. the best way.
Then i get scared and try to refocus on the moment and list whom would be harmed by my death. i count only two , but those are a great two.
This morning i dropped off my youngest at daycare and she went right into playing. didnt get hug and kiss like usual. at first my brain said "see! she will do just fine without you", then my brain said, NO it wasn't a proper goodbye, you cant try anything yet."its oscillating thoughts make me sick.
its a battle between logic and emotion. so far logic has won. But i need help....and i have yet to hear from the job i applied for.
great, useless AND jobless... nice.
Posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 11:48:46
In reply to Re: med update... » phidippus, posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 7:52:55
>then i know logically that my body will fight to survive no matter what my mind thinks.
This statement is very telling of the condition you are in. I've had the same thought myself many times when I've had endless arguments about the prospect of suicide. Its as if half my brain supplies reasons to do myself in and the other half gives me reasons why I should, couldn't or wouldn't. In the end its all just an endless argument that brings anxiety.
>Then i get scared
It all boils down to fear.
>my brain said "see! she will do just fine without you", then my brain said, NO it wasn't a proper goodbye, you cant try anything yet."
These are the kind of arguments you have with yourself when you have OCD.
>its oscillating thoughts make me sick.
I understand more than you think.
>its a battle between logic and emotion.
You know that you do not want to commit suicide. The thoughts of suicide that you do have are nothing but intrusive and recurrent ideations.
>But i need help.
I'm very glad you shared your inner struggle with me. I know I can help.>great, useless AND jobless
You are never useless.
Eric
Posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 11:51:11
In reply to SUICIDAL wtf, posted by B2chica on October 30, 2012, at 10:38:28
>for the last hour i cant get the idea of suicide out of my head. i'm afraid to tell anyone.
Please call me at 720-273-7293 (yeah, yeah, my phone on a public board..)
Please!
Eric
Posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 13:58:37
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf » B2chica, posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 11:51:11
man i needed that yesterday.
im doing better but if ok i might call you later today.
and Definately OCD yesterday.
the thoughts aren't as terribly recurrent today but when they come they are strong.
its because i have reprieve inbetween that i am able to fight this. i know when they are here that soon they will be gone.i think i might take a little extra zyprexa tonight just to be on the safe side.
b2
Posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 14:59:10
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf, posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 13:58:37
>i might call you later today.
Please do.
>and Definately OCD yesterday.
Classic bad thoughts.
>but when they come they are strong.
I'm sorry to hear that. Have you had any added stress in your life? Remember, they are just OCD thoughts, not really what you believe.
>its because i have reprieve inbetween that i am able to fight this
I have a lot of recommendations for fighting the thoughts.
>i know when they are here that soon they will be gone.
Its called 'spiking'.
>i think i might take a little extra zyprexa tonight just to be on the safe side
You have two valuable tools medication-wise. Both the Gabapentin and the Zyprexa can help with the OCD. However, even more important than they are is a good antidepressant. The Pristiq should really be helping with the obsessive symptoms, but its not-time to change it out for something that really helps.
Eric
ps. I have OCD.
Posted by phillipa on October 31, 2012, at 20:09:12
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf » b2chica, posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 14:59:10
Eric you can request that the post be removed now that B2chica has your phone number. Hit admin. Can't guarantee any response but can try. Phillipa
Posted by Zyprexa on October 31, 2012, at 22:01:49
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf, posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 13:58:37
Yes take extre zyprexa for the next couple of days. Say 10mg? It should make you imune to DH. Then maybe he will get message. I find zyprexa to be great for dealing with people who would normaly be puting down or make you feel weak. You will be more calm and better abled to deal with these situations. I take zyprexa and all problems go away. Then I don't feel the pain and its easyer to solve them.
Oh, I saw pdoc today and she is also taking me off perphenazine. I'm now down to 4mg x2 a day.
Posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 22:40:16
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf » phidippus, posted by phillipa on October 31, 2012, at 20:09:12
Let's experiment and leave it up.
Eric
Posted by phillipa on October 31, 2012, at 23:49:26
In reply to Re: SUICIDAL wtf » phillipa, posted by phidippus on October 31, 2012, at 22:40:16
Let me know how many wierd calls you get.:)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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