Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 23751

Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Feeling hopeless

Posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

For the first time during my manic depression I can truly say I feel hopeless. My depression has been so bad and I am a rapid cycler that I feel as though I can barely keep my head above water. I have a great psychiatrist now but with all this med changing I am wondering if this shit ever ends. I am turning everyone away, especially my husband. He has been nothing but loving and supportive but I just push him away. I don't even want to go to my therapist any more. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. As crazy as this sounds my life line are my dogs. Usually when I have been on this site it has been in reponse to drugs and stuff, now I just needed to poor my guts out. I know that we are all in the same boat and I am not the only one that feels this awful. I could babble forever but I would just be boring everyone. I only hope that for all of us here that we can find the strength and courage to get through this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Ellen

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by CarolAnn on February 25, 2000, at 8:49:07

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

Ellen, if you need to babble, then keep posting. Being boring is *never* something you have to worry about here at psycho-babble. As you said, we are all in the same boat, so we all know that sometimes people just need to "talk". There is always someone here who wants to "listen", and to try to offer some comfort.
My husband is also very supportive, and I have had times where I pushed him away and must have seemed like an ungrateful witch, but he understands that none of that is personal, and I'm sure your husband understands that too. Keep posting, it may help you over this slump. Blessings to you!CarolAnn

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by Brenda on February 25, 2000, at 9:16:31

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

> For the first time during my manic depression I can truly say I feel hopeless. My depression has been so bad and I am a rapid cycler that I feel as though I can barely keep my head above water. I have a great psychiatrist now but with all this med changing I am wondering if this shit ever ends. I am turning everyone away, especially my husband. He has been nothing but loving and supportive but I just push him away. I don't even want to go to my therapist any more. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. As crazy as this sounds my life line are my dogs. Usually when I have been on this site it has been in reponse to drugs and stuff, now I just needed to poor my guts out. I know that we are all in the same boat and I am not the only one that feels this awful. I could babble forever but I would just be boring everyone. I only hope that for all of us here that we can find the strength and courage to get through this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Ellen

Ellen- I'm sorry to hear of your great sadness. I call it the BLACK HOLE. All the med trials can be so frustrating, and yes, emotionally and physically debilitating. You want to feel better, don't know when it will ever happen, then guilt for the family members who live with you. I've got 4 dogs and a supportive husband, too. Sometimes I'll just sit and cry with the dogs. The BLACK HOLE is soooo scary. Please hold on - that ray of light will come again from the top of the deep deep well. I don't know when, but hold on, okay. Talk about it, love your pets, your husband and family will still be there for you. My prayers are with you.

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by dove on February 25, 2000, at 10:17:55

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

Ellen,
There are no boring posts in babble-land. The board is here for your support. We want you to babble, babble your heart out. We're here and we're listening. You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are. Manic depression is a tough cycle, maybe a hellish cycle would be a more accurate description. Hopelessness is a very difficult emotion to combat, mostly because the prime feature of hopelessness is... feeling hopeless. It's like seeing today as the rest of tomorrow, seeing yesterday like it has been all your life, yesterday, today and tomorrow. But it's not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just need to get the blinders off your eyes. But that's harder than it sounds, as we all know.

Pushing away the ones you love, like your husband, is not unusual, it's very understandable. In a way, it's protecting them from the darkness within, you know what I mean? Sometimes it hurts so much, that to let the loved one in, you feel like you're self-destructing, collapsing, imploding. Keeping that distance insulates, but it doesn't heal. Sometimes, the only way to get help and get out of the hopelessness is to open up, to let the hurt hang out all over.

You need to reach out, reach through the pain and the darkness, reach past the danger. I have done the same to my husband, and he wasn't all that understanding. In fact, he was hurt by my behavior. I would try to tell him what was wrong with me, and I would stand there looking at the floor, silent. He tried to hug me, I stood there unmoving, refusing to soften, pain and fear, and hopelessness. I would open my mouth to speak, to talk, and all that would come out is babble, and tears, sobbing. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't say anything more than, "I can't go on" and "I don't know what to do." I was like a record with a scratch, that just kept getting hung up in that one spot, I couldn't move forward or back, just hanging out in no-man's land, oblivion.

The hopeless feelings almost numb the heart, enabling one to find even more reasons why they don't matter, why they don't belong on this earth. You have to open up, even though it might feel like it will annihilate you. Don't let the hopelessness lie to you, there is a tomorrow and it won't be like yesterday. Please know that we care about you. You have our thoughts and prayers. And if you care to babble, we would be honored to read and share in your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been there, and many of us haven't, but all of babble-land still cares about you.

You are with like company, feel free to let it all hang-out. Hugs to you.

dove

 

To Ellen

Posted by judy on February 25, 2000, at 12:54:45

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

I am exactly where you are right now- I doubt that helps but at least you know you're not alone. This morning I asked my neighbor to take my son to school, I said I had the flu (fifth time this year- must be a lot of strains around). Anyway, as a rapid cycler it used to help having my pdoc show me his notes when I was hypomanic- you know that incredible euphoria before the mania hits when you have all that energy and love everyone and everyone loves you. For some reason I always forget about that part when I'm depressed; I guess that's the only perk about being a treatment resistant rapid cycler- the depressions don't hang around very long and there's always the high to look forward to. I hope you are out of this soon. Take care.

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by JohnL on February 25, 2000, at 14:30:45

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

> For the first time during my manic depression I can truly say I feel hopeless. My depression has been so bad and I am a rapid cycler that I feel as though I can barely keep my head above water. I have a great psychiatrist now but with all this med changing I am wondering if this shit ever ends. I am turning everyone away, especially my husband. He has been nothing but loving and supportive but I just push him away. I don't even want to go to my therapist any more. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. As crazy as this sounds my life line are my dogs. Usually when I have been on this site it has been in reponse to drugs and stuff, now I just needed to poor my guts out. I know that we are all in the same boat and I am not the only one that feels this awful. I could babble forever but I would just be boring everyone. I only hope that for all of us here that we can find the strength and courage to get through this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Ellen

I'm so sorry for the way you are feeling Ellen. But believe me, you aren't alone. We've all been there, or are there, or will again be there at some point in time. You are in good company.

Is the psychiatrist aware of how bad you feel? Is he or she concentrating on too narrow an approach? By that I mean too few classes of different drugs? Sometimes they get so bogged down in antidepressants and augmentations and combinations that they fail to see that a quick response is right under their nose, in the form of a stimulant or an antipsychotic or an electrical smoother (mood stabilizer). A bang bang bang trial of 2, 3, or 4 drugs for a week or two in each class of drugs is the surest way to weed out inferior matches for you, and to discover superior matches. Once superior matches are encountered, we can then narrow the search by concentrating on that class of drugs, dosing, time, etc. There's no easy answer, but I believe fast exploration of uncharted waters is highly likely to provide surprising results when current approaches are disappointing.

Hang in there. We're cheering for you. JohnL

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by Noa on February 25, 2000, at 15:22:28

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

Babble on, babble on. I do it all the time. I figure if it is boring, people can skip it, or skim it. That is one of the benefits of this medium.

I know hopelessness very intimately. A lot of us do. And when you are in it, you feel so very alone. And tormented.

The folks here have helped to keep me going, and hanging on to a shred of hopefulness. Feeling hopeful scares the daylights out of me, because I have been doublecrossed by my hopefullness with each of the many many relapses in my life. And I am terrified of that hopeless place you describe. That is why, when I first read your post, I did not respond right away. It rang so close to home and I usually try to avoid thinking about the "traumatic" aspect of the cyclicity of my illness. But I need to face it. And I wanted to reach out to you.

I wish I could reach out and offer you some of my hopefullness; that I had a pure, unsullied, unrestrained hopefullness to share with you. I don't. I am not sure what I am offering. It is hopefullness about hopefullness, or a shred of my shred of hopefullness. I wish I could offer more. I have placed myself on the track that travels in the direction of hopefullness, and in doing so I am acting as if I am hopefull. And I am trying to BE hopefull, tho I can't say yet that deep down, it is truly a genuine solid sense of hope.

That's it. I can offer you to travel with me, to act as if we believe it will be better, and make good decisions based on this "role", and to enjoy the little moments when little bits of hope rub off on us along the way.

 

To Ellen and Dove: Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by Carolyn on February 25, 2000, at 21:28:49

In reply to Re: Feeling hopeless, posted by Noa on February 25, 2000, at 15:22:28

Ellen...I share your pain. I am not bi-polar, but uni-polar, so can't imagine what rapid cycling would be like. But I sure know what being in the hell of depression feels like. That is pretty much where I am right now, although I am trying some new meds and hang on to the hope that that will help. This depressive episode for me is somewhat different than previous ones. I mostly feel nothing...feel like doing nothing, feel like I am nothing. I avoid feelings of sadness by staying away from other people, so I do not compare myself to "normal" folks. But that only works so long.

I have a wonderfully supportive husband. Once he realized my depression was not his fault, he became my cheering section, my hand to hold on to, and a good cook, too! I know he cannot imagine what I am feeling sometimes, but he is smart enough not to try...just to hold me when I cry and reassure me that there really is hope, and that I am not a bad mother, lazy, selfish...all those things we so easily accuse ourselves of.

Dove, I thought your response was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. We all need to know that we are not alone. To be able to admit that we are scared (what if I never come back...what if these meds really mess up my mind...what if I am imagining all this...what if I'm really crazy...and on and on. God bless Dr. Bob and all those who are willing to open up and care!

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by quilter on February 25, 2000, at 23:29:58

In reply to Re: Feeling hopeless, posted by Noa on February 25, 2000, at 15:22:28

I have lived in this particularly painful part of hell more times than I can count. I wish I could give you a map of the way out but no such thing exists. I have learned that I hurt my loving husband more by my silence than by my words, and the walls we each built to protect the other were just another source of pain.
I have learned that hopelessness has a different face each time I meet it. I have learned that I must depend on the hopes of others (family, doctors, etc.) when I can find none of my own. I have found that affirmations seem like lies, but I can cling to the thought that "Now is not forever". Hopelessness is a part of who I am, a part of how I live, and it WILL kill me if I do not allow others to share the burden.

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by Brenda on February 27, 2000, at 9:57:48

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

> For the first time during my manic depression I can truly say I feel hopeless. My depression has been so bad and I am a rapid cycler that I feel as though I can barely keep my head above water. I have a great psychiatrist now but with all this med changing I am wondering if this shit ever ends. I am turning everyone away, especially my husband. He has been nothing but loving and supportive but I just push him away. I don't even want to go to my therapist any more. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone. As crazy as this sounds my life line are my dogs. Usually when I have been on this site it has been in reponse to drugs and stuff, now I just needed to poor my guts out. I know that we are all in the same boat and I am not the only one that feels this awful. I could babble forever but I would just be boring everyone. I only hope that for all of us here that we can find the strength and courage to get through this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Ellen

Ellen - been thinking about you. Are you feeling better? Please let us know. Take care.

 

Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by cora on January 15, 2001, at 7:56:34

In reply to Re: Feeling hopeless, posted by dove on February 25, 2000, at 10:17:55

> Ellen,
> There are no boring posts in babble-land. The board is here for your support. We want you to babble, babble your heart out. We're here and we're listening. You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are. Manic depression is a tough cycle, maybe a hellish cycle would be a more accurate description. Hopelessness is a very difficult emotion to combat, mostly because the prime feature of hopelessness is... feeling hopeless. It's like seeing today as the rest of tomorrow, seeing yesterday like it has been all your life, yesterday, today and tomorrow. But it's not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just need to get the blinders off your eyes. But that's harder than it sounds, as we all know.
>
> Pushing away the ones you love, like your husband, is not unusual, it's very understandable. In a way, it's protecting them from the darkness within, you know what I mean? Sometimes it hurts so much, that to let the loved one in, you feel like you're self-destructing, collapsing, imploding. Keeping that distance insulates, but it doesn't heal. Sometimes, the only way to get help and get out of the hopelessness is to open up, to let the hurt hang out all over.
>
> You need to reach out, reach through the pain and the darkness, reach past the danger. I have done the same to my husband, and he wasn't all that understanding. In fact, he was hurt by my behavior. I would try to tell him what was wrong with me, and I would stand there looking at the floor, silent. He tried to hug me, I stood there unmoving, refusing to soften, pain and fear, and hopelessness. I would open my mouth to speak, to talk, and all that would come out is babble, and tears, sobbing. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't say anything more than, "I can't go on" and "I don't know what to do." I was like a record with a scratch, that just kept getting hung up in that one spot, I couldn't move forward or back, just hanging out in no-man's land, oblivion.
>
> The hopeless feelings almost numb the heart, enabling one to find even more reasons why they don't matter, why they don't belong on this earth. You have to open up, even though it might feel like it will annihilate you. Don't let the hopelessness lie to you, there is a tomorrow and it won't be like yesterday. Please know that we care about you. You have our thoughts and prayers. And if you care to babble, we would be honored to read and share in your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been there, and many of us haven't, but all of babble-land still cares about you.
>
> You are with like company, feel free to let it all hang-out. Hugs to you.
>
> dove

i meet aman two years ago iwas living alone with my kids 16 and 9 this man and i talked to my kids and we had thought it might be good to hav him move in well then came his daughter now we hadthree kids living here that seemed to be ok but shortly after he moved in the fighting started my son move in with his grandmother telling methat he wasnt going to live with this fighting going on yes he is right the fighting became terriable onw my son was gone this man and went to his mom and dads and his mother had asked what was going on i felt she needed to know and when itold he it then caused fighting in her marriage now of corse the dad doesnt like me now we my son his dad we'e fought and fough about things tha didnt really need to fought aboutso in jail he went now my family doesnt like him no more ten his me we both no we love each other but its amess that now we dont know how to fix or even if it can be his daughter is back with her mom not agood place for herbut we made the mastake of fightihg i gave to these poeple my all when he was gone i still went to see his daughter but when we got
t back togeather i didnt go to see his daughter he brouhgt her here of corse things went bad agian so out he wnt i then wnt to see his daughter and got slaped aroundfor in myeyes i did so much for her i bought her food and clothes for kid i didnt think i did anythingwronge buti guess i didnt belong there it wasnt my place to take time to help out someone i had learned to love and my son he did nt talkto me for along time mad cause he thoght i was a fool to keep living this way and my daughter well she got to live it with me well i wantsome one to tell me how do i fix something thats hurts somany peoplethis man is out right now tells me he loves me and want to do what he can t help him selfso that he can be good for me im the stay in andtake care of the things that need to be done him wll he worrys that someone wiil steale me away when i let him in four times now and i told him i can chance tat my son wont talk to me if he find out that i still see you gee all i want is for everything t go away i cant do the things ineed to cause everything is makng me sick the pain ifeel right now is just as deep as on the out side so why do i love all of these people who cntrol my life and feelings life feel way to heavy for me im living her with my two kids agian only icant do what i want i hurt my back at work about the same time all of this mess started so ihavethat mess to the work mess cause im hurt and no ill never be the same ther either some please helpme to deal with this mess iv got cause it making me sick readyto just say the hell with it all i cant sleep icant eat i know it shouldnt be this way but how do fix it its way to heavy ididnt goto work today ican think straight this man tells me i think to much shuld i just walk away from everything i dont feel lie i can do my motherly dodys


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.