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Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by cora on January 15, 2001, at 7:56:34

In reply to Re: Feeling hopeless, posted by dove on February 25, 2000, at 10:17:55

> Ellen,
> There are no boring posts in babble-land. The board is here for your support. We want you to babble, babble your heart out. We're here and we're listening. You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are. Manic depression is a tough cycle, maybe a hellish cycle would be a more accurate description. Hopelessness is a very difficult emotion to combat, mostly because the prime feature of hopelessness is... feeling hopeless. It's like seeing today as the rest of tomorrow, seeing yesterday like it has been all your life, yesterday, today and tomorrow. But it's not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just need to get the blinders off your eyes. But that's harder than it sounds, as we all know.
> Pushing away the ones you love, like your husband, is not unusual, it's very understandable. In a way, it's protecting them from the darkness within, you know what I mean? Sometimes it hurts so much, that to let the loved one in, you feel like you're self-destructing, collapsing, imploding. Keeping that distance insulates, but it doesn't heal. Sometimes, the only way to get help and get out of the hopelessness is to open up, to let the hurt hang out all over.
> You need to reach out, reach through the pain and the darkness, reach past the danger. I have done the same to my husband, and he wasn't all that understanding. In fact, he was hurt by my behavior. I would try to tell him what was wrong with me, and I would stand there looking at the floor, silent. He tried to hug me, I stood there unmoving, refusing to soften, pain and fear, and hopelessness. I would open my mouth to speak, to talk, and all that would come out is babble, and tears, sobbing. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't say anything more than, "I can't go on" and "I don't know what to do." I was like a record with a scratch, that just kept getting hung up in that one spot, I couldn't move forward or back, just hanging out in no-man's land, oblivion.
> The hopeless feelings almost numb the heart, enabling one to find even more reasons why they don't matter, why they don't belong on this earth. You have to open up, even though it might feel like it will annihilate you. Don't let the hopelessness lie to you, there is a tomorrow and it won't be like yesterday. Please know that we care about you. You have our thoughts and prayers. And if you care to babble, we would be honored to read and share in your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been there, and many of us haven't, but all of babble-land still cares about you.
> You are with like company, feel free to let it all hang-out. Hugs to you.
> dove

i meet aman two years ago iwas living alone with my kids 16 and 9 this man and i talked to my kids and we had thought it might be good to hav him move in well then came his daughter now we hadthree kids living here that seemed to be ok but shortly after he moved in the fighting started my son move in with his grandmother telling methat he wasnt going to live with this fighting going on yes he is right the fighting became terriable onw my son was gone this man and went to his mom and dads and his mother had asked what was going on i felt she needed to know and when itold he it then caused fighting in her marriage now of corse the dad doesnt like me now we my son his dad we'e fought and fough about things tha didnt really need to fought aboutso in jail he went now my family doesnt like him no more ten his me we both no we love each other but its amess that now we dont know how to fix or even if it can be his daughter is back with her mom not agood place for herbut we made the mastake of fightihg i gave to these poeple my all when he was gone i still went to see his daughter but when we got
t back togeather i didnt go to see his daughter he brouhgt her here of corse things went bad agian so out he wnt i then wnt to see his daughter and got slaped aroundfor in myeyes i did so much for her i bought her food and clothes for kid i didnt think i did anythingwronge buti guess i didnt belong there it wasnt my place to take time to help out someone i had learned to love and my son he did nt talkto me for along time mad cause he thoght i was a fool to keep living this way and my daughter well she got to live it with me well i wantsome one to tell me how do i fix something thats hurts somany peoplethis man is out right now tells me he loves me and want to do what he can t help him selfso that he can be good for me im the stay in andtake care of the things that need to be done him wll he worrys that someone wiil steale me away when i let him in four times now and i told him i can chance tat my son wont talk to me if he find out that i still see you gee all i want is for everything t go away i cant do the things ineed to cause everything is makng me sick the pain ifeel right now is just as deep as on the out side so why do i love all of these people who cntrol my life and feelings life feel way to heavy for me im living her with my two kids agian only icant do what i want i hurt my back at work about the same time all of this mess started so ihavethat mess to the work mess cause im hurt and no ill never be the same ther either some please helpme to deal with this mess iv got cause it making me sick readyto just say the hell with it all i cant sleep icant eat i know it shouldnt be this way but how do fix it its way to heavy ididnt goto work today ican think straight this man tells me i think to much shuld i just walk away from everything i dont feel lie i can do my motherly dodys




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