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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by CarolAnn on January 5, 2000, at 7:53:18
Hey Ya'll,
I am pretty sure that I don't have OCD, but there is one thing that I cannot stop doing no matter how *well* I am feeling. I am and have always been totally obsessed with wondering what other people think of me, as well as the idea that everyone(and I do mean everyone)I come into contact with absolutely *must* be made to like me. I cannot bear to think that anyone in the world dislikes me. Even good friends are sometimes suspected of not really *liking* me, or being secretly angry with me. I know this is irrational, I mean they wouldn't be my friends if they didn't like me(oh lord, I'm starting to sound like Sally Field). Well, anyway the main problem is the obsession of constantly wanting to *know* exactly what people(any people) are feeling about me, the person I am. I know, I need to get some counseling on this, it's definitly related to my life-long low self-esteem, which I thought was improving due to the fact that *I* actually like myself now(usually). Boy, just when you think you have a handle on stuff, something new comes along and says,"hey, what about me? It's my turn to come to the surface and torment you a little". Any thoughts, suggestions, or fellow sufferers? Also, is this what co-dependency is? Thanks for you support!CarolAnn
Posted by Renee N on January 5, 2000, at 8:05:59
In reply to my particular obsession (longish), posted by CarolAnn on January 5, 2000, at 7:53:18
> Hey Ya'll,
> I am pretty sure that I don't have OCD, but there is one thing that I cannot stop doing no matter how *well* I am feeling. I am and have always been totally obsessed with wondering what other people think of me, as well as the idea that everyone(and I do mean everyone)I come into contact with absolutely *must* be made to like me. I cannot bear to think that anyone in the world dislikes me. Even good friends are sometimes suspected of not really *liking* me, or being secretly angry with me. I know this is irrational, I mean they wouldn't be my friends if they didn't like me(oh lord, I'm starting to sound like Sally Field). Well, anyway the main problem is the obsession of constantly wanting to *know* exactly what people(any people) are feeling about me, the person I am. I know, I need to get some counseling on this, it's definitly related to my life-long low self-esteem, which I thought was improving due to the fact that *I* actually like myself now(usually). Boy, just when you think you have a handle on stuff, something new comes along and says,"hey, what about me? It's my turn to come to the surface and torment you a little". Any thoughts, suggestions, or fellow sufferers? Also, is this what co-dependency is? Thanks for you support!CarolAnnI always think I can tell what people really think about me and others, even if it doesn't match their words. I truly believe I am quite perceptive, but may exaggerate this abilty to myself. If my husband had a frown, I assume he is angry or dissapointed with me. We all know what assuming makes u + me! Low self esteem probably explains alot. Although at work I usually think people like me and think I am talented at what I do and caring. Hate to brag like that, but it sure feels good!
Posted by Phil on January 5, 2000, at 8:28:16
In reply to my particular obsession (longish), posted by CarolAnn on January 5, 2000, at 7:53:18
CarolAnn, In recovery circles, it's called peeling away the layers of an onion. You fix surface things and then you go deeper.
I don't think this is codep. Codep is putting others needs ahead of your own and sometimes, many times?, can be totally to your detriment.
My Mother was alcoholic and I ALWAYS was trying to figure out how to help, please, fix her problem. I was over 30, in therapy, when I realized I wasn't taking care of MYSELF! I had no earthly idea what I NEEDED and still, to this day, have to work on figuring out my needs. I want to be liked also but it doesn't matter as much as it once did. I think now, I would rather have my voice heard and not just say anything just to 'get along'. It has taken me a long time to get there. Wanting everyone to like you is VERY HARD WORK.
Phil
Posted by Canadian Michele on January 5, 2000, at 12:45:14
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by Phil on January 5, 2000, at 8:28:16
> CarolAnn, In recovery circles, it's called peeling away the layers of an onion. You fix surface things and then you go deeper.
> I don't think this is codep. Codep is putting others needs ahead of your own and sometimes, many times?, can be totally to your detriment.
> My Mother was alcoholic and I ALWAYS was trying to figure out how to help, please, fix her problem. I was over 30, in therapy, when I realized I wasn't taking care of MYSELF! I had no earthly idea what I NEEDED and still, to this day, have to work on figuring out my needs. I want to be liked also but it doesn't matter as much as it once did. I think now, I would rather have my voice heard and not just say anything just to 'get along'. It has taken me a long time to get there. Wanting everyone to like you is VERY HARD WORK.
> PhilI too have suffered to a certain degree with an addiction to love and approval. I want to recommend a book that I found on Dr.Bob's reading list:Feeling Good by David D. Burns. This book is excellent. Not self-help type thing. Jam packed with serious work assignments to relearn beneficial though processes, challenge erroneous and irrational beliefs etc. Cheap too $7.50 in US Also includes very comprehensive Drug Guide, side effects profiles, comparisons, and layman type explantions for the understood actions of drugs on brain chemical systems. I recommend it heartily. He has tremendous empathy, compassion and years of experience treating folks like us from all walks of life.
Michele
Posted by Noa on January 5, 2000, at 19:37:05
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by Canadian Michele on January 5, 2000, at 12:45:14
This is a sensitivity of mine, too. I used to feel panic at the thought of someone being angry at me or not liking me. Now I do accept the idea that not everyone has to like me, but I can't say it is easy for me.
I think the search for confirmation that you are likeable can sometimes be a way to try to defend against a deep, core belief one has about oneself, that you are unlikeable, or unlovable. Sometimes, some therapy (group or individual) can help a person to examine how they came to have this kind of core belief about themselves, and to logically challenge the irrationality of this belief.
Posted by Noa on January 5, 2000, at 19:49:33
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by Noa on January 5, 2000, at 19:37:05
BTW, biologically, some of us are more prone to feeling these kinds of feelings, and therefore, developing such beliefs. In Mapping the Mind (on Dr. Bob's book page), there is some discussion about how some people have more sensitive amygdalas, and are more perceptive and reactive to subtle nonverbal signals from other people, with a tendency to interpret things as slights or rejections. Then, put a person with this type of sensitivity in an environment that is prone to sending rejecting messages, well, you get the picture. For some, the kind of anxiety you are talking about is part of their social phobia cluster of symptoms. For others, non-optimal environmental contributions, like a parent who is dependent on alcohol, for example, seem to be more prominent among the mix of factors that (interactively) are likely to have contributed to the need for confirmation that one is liked.
What discussing this here, or reading a book, or going into therapy, can do, is to bring into service the functions of the neocortex, ie the thinking, logical part of our brain, to try to "manage" the amygdala, the fear-based, preverbal, reactive part of our brain. We cannot change the amygdala. But we can try to strengthen our ability to rationally challenge that irrational part. It doesn't make the irrational feelings disappear altogether (and many of us need medication to help), but it helps us cope better.
Posted by juniper on January 6, 2000, at 1:55:52
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by Noa on January 5, 2000, at 19:49:33
though i do not like to admit it, i do have problems with this sort of thing. i've always been sensitive to rejection, while trying to pretend that i am not....i think many have the impression that i do not care if they like me or not, one of those walls i've built.
i think somewhere i came up with that if EVERYONE liked me, then i really couldn't be that bad.on a related note, a few years ago when i was very severely depressed, i had an odd reaction to love, be it friendly, romantic, or familial. though i knew (rationally) that i had people who loved me, i simply couldn't feel, or understand, it. messages from my head lost their way to my heart. i am sure that i couldn't feel love because of the problems i had with self-esteem, not that this made it a speck easier......anyone else ever have this feeling?
peace to all.
juniper
Posted by Noa on January 6, 2000, at 6:30:16
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by juniper on January 6, 2000, at 1:55:52
Juniper, I also am in the category of hating to admit to my sensitivity. When this concept first hit the public media because of prozac, I think as a result of Peter Kramer's book, ie, that Prozac is effective for atypical depression, which occurs in a "type" of person who is sensitive to rejection, among other things, I was defiant about being lumped into such a category. I think it is because relative to some people I know, my sensitivity, or at least how I express it, is milder. I didn't want to be thought of as a sulky hypersensitive, needy person. And, I didn't like the idea of overgeneralization about people with so-called atypical depression. I also hated what I was hearing about how Prozac supposedly changed personality. I took Prozac and felt my personality was the same, I was the same person, just less depressed.
Posted by CarolAnn on January 6, 2000, at 8:55:44
In reply to Re: my particular obsession (longish), posted by juniper on January 6, 2000, at 1:55:52
Thank you all for such great feedback! juniper, there's a reply below your comments...
>> i think somewhere i came up with that if EVERYONE liked me, then i really couldn't be that bad.
>
> on a related note, a few years ago when i was very severely depressed, i had an odd reaction to love, be it friendly, romantic, or familial. though i knew (rationally) that i had people who loved me, i simply couldn't feel, or understand, it. messages from my head lost their way to my heart. i am sure that i couldn't feel love because of the problems i had with self-esteem, not that this made it a speck easier......anyone else ever have this feeling?>>
>>
juniper, I know *exactly* what you are talking about here. I have spent years questioning the true feelings of people whom I knew, rationally, loved me, particularly my parents who are very undemonstrative people. I also, have always had an extreme attraction for men who are in positions of power, which stems from the idea that,"if such an important, powerful, man fell in love with me, then I would *know* that I have some worth!".
I've had two years of therapy, but obviously as Phil said, now that my medicine is working(somewhat), different things are coming up to the surface again. So, guess I better start looking for a therapist!CarolAnn
Posted by juniper on January 8, 2000, at 0:28:42
In reply to Re: thanks to all and reply to juniper, posted by CarolAnn on January 6, 2000, at 8:55:44
thank-you for your response carolann, isn't it funny how rationality can be so elusive? (especially in the attraction department...)
keep us updated how the search for a therapist is going.
wishing you the best of luck....juniper
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