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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 18 to 42 of 47. Go back in thread:
Posted by susan47 on June 11, 2007, at 12:45:59
In reply to Dearest Susan, posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 17:04:03
Where are you? Are you still around? I'm getting a bit freaked because I STILL can't access my email and I just realized that I haven't given my new address for Babblemail and I just have to do that right now, so please babble me with regards to this okay? Or Answer Me Here. Please Damos I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your quiet. Please, okay?
Posted by susan47 on June 12, 2007, at 19:40:18
In reply to Sweetie, Sweetheart, my dear Damos,, posted by susan47 on June 9, 2007, at 16:23:40
I'm really really sorry, you know, because I said "Old and Ignorant is just too much you know what I mean?" but I wasn't referring to any person at all, nobody and nothing in particular, and I didn't even mean leering like that or even fool idiot, because I throw words around Damos, and I was Never really referring to you or anybody else I know .. I mean, a lot of guys Leer, or Look at us Sexually and it's actually Quite Nice. I Love it. Personally, I love it if I'm also attracted to the person and if I'm Allowed to be too .. if I'm not allowed but I'm really Turned On, Feeling Wonderful and really good but I'm not allowed, then it feels bad, it feels like it's going to hurt me. Which of course, it always does, hahahaha.
Life is just like that sometimes. Sometimes life is a sh*t sandwich, pardon the expression. And yeah, I think I triggered something in myself, too.
Posted by Damos on June 13, 2007, at 17:18:49
In reply to I CANNOT Hate Myself but I Am Sorry Damos, posted by susan47 on June 12, 2007, at 19:40:18
Hey now, there's nothing to be sorry for or about Susan, nothing at all. I understood what you meant and that's what's important, that we're talking - creating shared meaning, talking meaningfully (if only to ourselves and each other).
You may well throw words about, but sometimes you really hit the mark - throw a perfect bull's-eye, and maybe that's why this has kinda taken us both by surprise and triggered something for us, in us. I've honestly always looked at the way you write and communicate as a gift, a talent.
I hear you - in so many ways I hear you and I'm sorry that it feels bad, and like it's gonna hurt and that it does sometimes. But sometimes it's that very hurt that lets me know that I'm alive. And you know what else? Sometimes just being, content, happy can be excruciating too.
Seems like it's about time to return to my self imposed exile. You know where I am and that you're always welcome.
Posted by susan47 on July 24, 2007, at 21:13:34
In reply to No need to be sorry » susan47, posted by Damos on June 13, 2007, at 17:18:49
You sound like you're gently swishing your way back into your cave, your den, your lair .. your dragon's lair, Damos, dragging the maiden by the hair .. mmmmmm ... hmmm... no, more like a very gentle, bookish sort of a dragon with glasses perched on his nose ... I hope you're enjoying yourself, wherever you are, Dragon Damos ... mmmwah ... I'm so Lonesome, I could Die. Sigh.
Posted by Damos on July 25, 2007, at 17:36:04
In reply to Damos, You Sweet Dragon » Damos, posted by susan47 on July 24, 2007, at 21:13:34
Wow! Thank you Susan, that was a really lovely post.
Okay, so how did you know that in Chinese Astrology I am a wooden dragon, and that my absolute favourite song as a kid was Puff the Magic Dragon? Hah, do you remember HR Pufnstuf? Nice memories, thanks for taking me back there.
And as for lairs. I've been called a 'mug-lair' a few times (mostly by my dad and granddad).
Well I did spent Saturday and Sunday night into the wee small hours reading Harry Potter and I did enjoy that a great deal. I'm actually pretty sure that the terms enjoyment and Damos are mutually exculsive. Apart from that, my world seems to grow smaller and more silent day by day. A cave is a pretty good description. I really hope you're enjoying yourself too - miss you my friend.
"I'm so Lonesome, I could Die"...me too. Massive Sigh
((((((((((Susan))))))))))
Mmmmmmwah
Posted by susan47 on July 27, 2007, at 1:09:03
In reply to Re: Damos, You Sweet Dragon » susan47, posted by Damos on July 25, 2007, at 17:36:04
We may have discussed the subject in the past, I really don't remember, but in any case you did give me that mental picture very strongly so I guess that's around your aura .. I remember H. R. Puff 'n Stuff all right but none of the storyline as I think I was already a teen when that was out and not too interesting for me .. I think .. honestly I don't remember that part of my life much ... honey, you have got to get out and do stuff as soon as you've finished with your book you need to book yourself into some kind of thing, something where you go someplace and spend a lot of time with a lot of good people and then come home again, you need to have Fun Damos, you need more fun. Find fun somewhere, remember the only way you can progress and be happy is to practice feeling Good. Feel Good.. immerse yourself in loving thoughts about all the things in your life you're grateful for .. really be in the Moment and practice meditating on that, remember to meditate on good things and be good to yourself, eat well, sleep, exercise and siesta, baby.
Posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
In reply to Hey, goofy one. » Damos, posted by susan47 on July 27, 2007, at 1:09:03
No Susan, when I finish my book I just need to find another one, or put on a CD and just stay in my cave. I don't belong in the world, especially in the world of people - I have no place there, it's a place where I am neither wanted nor missed. I simply don't belong. Anywhere, to anything, with anyone. It is so much better for everyone concerned if I just stay in my cave -out of sight, out of mind. That way less harm will be done, less harm will be done.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 6, 2007, at 0:08:51
In reply to Hey ...... » susan47, posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
> No Susan, when I finish my book I just need to find another one, or put on a CD and just stay in my cave. I don't belong in the world, especially in the world of people - I have no place there, it's a place where I am neither wanted nor missed. I simply don't belong. Anywhere, to anything, with anyone. It is so much better for everyone concerned if I just stay in my cave -out of sight, out of mind. That way less harm will be done, less harm will be done.
>I have always appreciated your contribution on this site.
Jai
Posted by susan47 on August 11, 2007, at 23:49:21
In reply to Hey ...... » susan47, posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
None of us get out of life without doing some harm. We never would have wished that as little children, and in fact if I'd known my future as a small child, I don't know that I would have had the strength to keep living, really .. some of it has been unbelievably nightmarish .. but I'm living in hell with everyone else here ... and my life has been so much better than most lives, if I think in terms of Pain, physical, mental, spiritual and any other-wise. I'm not completely sane all the time, I'm not completely anything, I'm a bit of everything .. are you like that? I think lots of humanity is like that ... we're all part of a whole, and we're all exactly as we're meant to be.
Heavy effing sigh, baby.
Posted by Susan47 on September 30, 2007, at 21:45:47
In reply to Oh god, posted by susan47 on May 30, 2007, at 23:17:48
Your voice doesn't sound the same to me anymore, and that is probably a really good thing, although it doesn't feel very good. Now your voice sounds peremptory and cold, businesslike, almost.. obscene. As in, the way you were, the way you are, the way you aren't and who is the real you? Have you stood and been counted, have you made a Difference, a difference in the world, a difference that is Good.
I want to do that, so much. It's in my heart.
I want to feel happy. I want to be that. Have the completion in my soul, a soul level complete-ness, something I can count on in my old age, in the elder years which are just there, just There... I can touch them. I can feel their grip, and I won't go joyfully unless I feel that I have a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be with and just Sit. Sit and listen, sit and see ... contemplate, and rejoice at what's been and what is and what will be ...
My heart goes with you .. you know it'll always be there, even though the relationship was a Bad Thing, it was a bad thing I did and I allowed to happen .. but I want it to be good, in the end, for everyone .. it has to be part of moving into a greater state of being, or it meant nothing. And that just isn't so.
Posted by Damos on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:28
In reply to It's different, now., posted by Susan47 on September 30, 2007, at 21:45:47
Hey Susan,
The words seem to get lost somewhere between my heart and soul and the keyboard, but I wanted you to know I was reading and am still here with you. Just have to hope you get the thoughts I'm sending.
I appreciate you and all that you share with us so much. Things might not appear or feel good at the time or even on reflection - but that doesn't have to mean that nothing 'good' has come out of them.
Your friend,
Damos
Posted by Susan47 on October 8, 2007, at 14:45:36
In reply to Re: It's different, now. » Susan47, posted by Damos on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:28
I know what you mean about the words getting lost..I journal now more than I ever have, decades went by when I wrote naught a word (huh? sometimes nonsensical stuff just happens...) .. IRL as in heart, mind, and soul, what doesn't make sense now always Does in the end.
The end.
Hey, Damos.
I heart you, you're my friend.
A good friend.
You are still there for me even though I don't know why.. but I seem to deserve it. The universe doesn't give us what we don't deserve, in the end .. if it's good, it's good because we make it so for ourselves. A huge responsibility to take on, because we actually are some of the few people on the planet with the ability to make ourselves happy, and if we don't do that with open hearts and minds, we're making the whole world suffer more. It's a huge never-ending circle, it's a web that ties us All Together whether we like it or not or whether we choose to experience it Now, it's Here, inside each of us. Ciao, I'm heart-ing you.
Posted by susan47 on January 1, 2008, at 12:55:37
In reply to Oh god, posted by susan47 on May 30, 2007, at 23:17:48
And I really have to love myself.
So, God help me.
God help me to distinguish between loving for real, and loving in order to feel like a good person.
Posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 17:35:21
In reply to I Love You, posted by susan47 on January 1, 2008, at 12:55:37
Apparently Virgina Woolf once said (and a whole lot of other people, too, only she put it into writing and published it and so now we're all supposed to give her credit for it, which isn't wrong in itself, but it feels like every emotion that's been written about is second-hand, somehow, not my own. It isn't right, but without writers what kind of a world would we have? Perhaps one initiated into the present? Perhaps we like living in other worlds, in the past, in a future that hasn't come, yet...
she once said
"You can't think how I depend on you,
and when you're not there
the colour goes out of my life."So, okay. All right. And
It isn't fair, it isn't right.
To need someone so much, to depend on them for completion, wholeness, happiness.
Why can't we give that to ourselves?
We must. Somehow I absolutely have to do that, I can't rely on what isn't there, no wonder I feel so badly.
Who is that person, why can't I find her?
Is it really someone else? Is that happiness?
So confusing.
I am so tired of being, of feeling, alone.
Posted by susan47 on March 20, 2008, at 18:36:48
In reply to F*ck, posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 17:35:21
The drug .. "you can't think how I depend on you, and when you're not there the colour goes out of my life" ....
Sh*t. F*ck. F*ck you. Bastard.
I love you.
I love you loveuluvyouluvu luu .. loo.
Flush the whole God damn thing down the loo.
F*ck you ... f*ck my doc for being the ineffectual little wimp idiot bastard that he is and was. F*ck him for being everything he was to me, for being a conduit directly into a hell so deep I didn't and don't know the way out.
Write, god damn it, write until the whole fricking f*ck*ng stupid idiotic thing, the thing that was my life for YEARS god damn it cw god damn you f*ck you for not talking to me the way I deserved, the honesty you kept away from everyone, the looking deeply into your own soul and forget mine, just look at yourself.
F*ck you.
Posted by susan47 on March 24, 2008, at 14:22:21
In reply to My Drug, my D.O.C., my doc, Doctor, heal me, posted by susan47 on March 20, 2008, at 18:36:48
You have to forgive yourself, forgive yourself and your brain and just heal it, heal it god damn you heal. You must heal, you absolutely have to do that. That is all, the only important thing. Your life, your relationships, all of this has to heal, and the past too. Heal it, that is the only important thing.
Love yourself. Love everyone you know.
Posted by susan47 on May 6, 2008, at 20:52:50
In reply to Susan, you cannot forget this, posted by susan47 on March 24, 2008, at 14:22:21
You are a kind man.
You wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone.
I know this.
I'm sure of it.
I'm sorry for all the tangled personality issues.
I wish I were different.
I wish I'd been differently constructed,
made whole to begin with.
Not bits and parts scattered to the four winds.
Who knows what will emerge this time?
I want to be whole.
I want to be happy.
I want to love myself.
I want to love my life, I want to be healed.
And I want everything about this to be healed.
Because all of it was one-sided, only mine. I'm so sorry I had to manipulate ... I can't even begin to understand how bad I was. I can't even begin to comprehend any of the effects of what I've done.
But my soul is telling me, it's not good.
How do I make it good?
How do I expose myself to the highest good for all?
How does one go about revealing what one has done, in moments and times of agony, torture inflicted on a personality level, a personality rent asunder, demolished in shame and neediness.
I don't know how you survived.
I hope you did survive, I hope you did do that.
You looked gaunt not too long ago.
I hope there are roses in your cheeks, now, a spring in your step and a smile in your beautiful brown eyes.
Take care, always.
Susan
Posted by susan47 on May 27, 2008, at 12:11:35
In reply to Dear Doctor, posted by susan47 on May 6, 2008, at 20:52:50
Now I can see how hard I was on myself, truly, because what I actually did was pick up a telephone. I didn't sneak, I was open about my needs. I didn't lie, not ever, not knowingly, and sometimes it seemed like a lie but then it always turned out to be true .. which is the nature of a mind like mine, which can go anywhere, but always controlled to the degree I didn't cause physical injury, I didn't go over a certain boundary, a certain line, which was always both physical and psychic. Because no matter what, every individual is self-governing, and no one has the right to intrude on that, only to expound on themselves, to make oneself into a better person ... knowing that I was as deeply flawed as anyone, and even more so, I was so hard on myself, the hardest sin of all was committed by me on myself, and I didn't deserve it, and I don't deserve it now.
I deserve to be happy, whole, and healed.
And I want to know why this doctor, this cw, did not take proper action to recognize my need, and to help me truly, with honesty and forbearance, rather than reject my needs, to address them.
Why?
Posted by susan47 on June 2, 2008, at 11:00:59
In reply to Reading This, posted by susan47 on May 27, 2008, at 12:11:35
Hello.
Vibrationally Speaking,
Dear Sir.
The reason "patients" (you *ssh*l*: but don't take this personally, this was you in the past, and the past is changing.... according to so many, the past can be healed, and is being healed, whether you wish it or not, whether you are in vibration with that or not, whether you become aligned or not, matters not .. in the end, you will progress... good luck, dear sir, Dear Sir ...)
the reason that clients, other people, people who come to see you for help with their vibration,
the reason women in particular, begin to dress better,
to look better, to feel more feminine, to be more aware of themselves,
is not because you are such a charmer, is not because you are so sexual yourself, is not because you are so pleased with your life.
It is because you have the ability to vibrate at a higher level.
It is because, when you are in a condition of having consciously evoked unconditional positive regard for that person, you are bringing your own vibration to a much higher than normal level.
It is because your co-worker in good health, your "patient" (you *ssh*l* ... you can also be an angel, and one day, you will see yourself as an unfettered soul, and you will see me that way also, because I Am So.) ... in healing, your co-worker in healing, rises to meet your vibration, and begins to love herself (or himself) because that is the result of Unconditional Positive Regard.
To take that away, to be unable to correspond Why, to be unable to correspond with Your Own Soul, to ask yourself the hardest questions and respond appropriately, is to begin a psychosis in both of you.
I wish you well.
I wish you love, I wish you to feel all the love I have in my heart for you, for the world, for everyone and all of us. I wish you to feel my unconditional positive regard for you,
Dear Therapist.
Dear Sir.
Love,
Susan47 aka my real self.
Posted by susan47 on June 2, 2008, at 11:10:53
In reply to Dear Ex-Therapist: Dear Sir, posted by susan47 on June 2, 2008, at 11:00:59
So important, to do that, for me, for you, for good health, for vibration to go up understanding has to constant, and worked upon, always, until a heart and a psyche is healed, psyche being, of course, soul trying to communicate through personality ... and personality is sometimes shaped by the cruelest of circumstances ... please understand that even as I write and name-call, that is only the essence of healing ... anger has to be expressed without recrimination for either party ... both should be able to express anger so it can be let go of, and the name-calling was harsh, but necessary, and I'm sure, sometimes, not one-sided .. unless your higher vibration could be continually held that is not possible .. you are, after all, only human, and a lovely human, at that.
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 14:42:55
In reply to Re: Follow-Up, posted by susan47 on June 2, 2008, at 11:10:53
--_(( ))_--
She is three-quarters of the way from stage right, where she gets off.
She is humongous.
She has a ton of weight to lose.
Psychic weight, darling.
Psychic weight.
She is waddling.
Her burden is heavy.
slip -o-t- into psychic and you have
some burden of responsibility.
Share it with me.
Do share.
Posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 15:11:07
In reply to The Fat Lady, posted by susan47 on August 28, 2008, at 14:42:55
The fat lady feels fatter by the minute.
(time to go out and get close to nature, and sanity, once again)
I am so angry.
I am raging inside.
Posted by susan47 on August 29, 2008, at 13:06:37
In reply to Re: Oh god » susan47, posted by Damos on May 31, 2007, at 18:09:21
> Unrequited Love
>
> Is there a more painful kind?
> Swinging us from the highest of highs
> To the deepest of despairing lows
> And back again
>
> It has been the basis of and inspiration for so many great works of literature and music, and so much more poignant, deeply private poetry and prose.
>
Hah! Why in hell would therapy, why would seeing a psychologist in any way, shape or form, have to end in such a way that a person would have to feel this bad, this much pain???What sort of self-respecting therapist would allow this to happen?
I want to know.
I want to know.
I want to know.How do you feel?
Tell me how you feel.
How you feel, matters.
It matters.F*ck you.
I love you.
Why do I feel these ways?
What am I so angry with an innocent person, yet not innocent at all?
He hurt me but so what?
Just because I PAID HIM TO DO THAT????????????????
> I'm sure somebody once wrote something like - the greatest pain is to love and love in vain. And just quietly I reckon they're right.
>
> Doesn't matter whether it's your mum or dad or pdoc or T, the girl or boy who lived next door or down the street, or someone you see every day at work or school, or on a bus or a train. It just hurts so much sometimes.
>
> I think the Everly Brothers got it pretty well right:
>
> Love hurts
> Love scars
> It wounds and mars
> Any heart not tough
> Nor strong enough
> To take a lot of pain
> Take a lot of pain
> Love is like a cloud
> Holds a lot of rain
> Love hurts.
>
> It must be so hard to hold this inside when you see it as something so beautiful and wonderful and good, and yet seemingly so wrong and bad at the same time.
>
> I know there's not a damn thing I can say or do that'll make it hurt any less for you Susan - wish there was, I really do.
>
> ((((((((((Susan))))))))))
>
> Just know that there is much in you and about you that is beautiful and loveable. You deserve to feel and experience love, loving, and being truly loved and I wish those things for you.
Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:09:55
In reply to My Drug, my D.O.C., my doc, Doctor, heal me, posted by susan47 on March 20, 2008, at 18:36:48
And sometimes I wonder, wouldn't I make a good study of grief, of grieving, over on Psychology I have the whole damn thing worked out, and perhaps part of it all is the Anger stage of Grief. Perhaps I need to get through this and perhaps I also need to be Heard, and who knows what You need, dear man, who doesn't know or care about a world that doesn't know the real he, him .. a person could go Insane wondering about someone else.
Posted by susan47 on March 18, 2009, at 18:14:04
In reply to Re: My Drug, my D.O.C., my doc, Doctor, heal me, posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 13:09:55
I am absolutely speechless, I am not the person who wrote this thread. And I am relieved to know that I can be who I choose to be, I always have a Choice. I'm fortunate. I'm ashamed.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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