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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 17:27:17
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:24:24
MY DREAM IS TO BE A SOCIAL DRINKER!!!
Posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:36:01
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:24:24
AdaGrace,
I wanted to add to my previous thread and just say that I think you are very strong to have stayed in a relationship that seems to cause you some amount of grief. I am sorry your husband is not more understanding and supportive. Keep posting AdaGrace. It seems to me that this is a place where people do not judge, are not intolerant and are willing to offer support. It's a good place to be.
Tamara
> AdaGrace,
>
> When I first tried to control my drinking, I gave up the Jack Daniels and relied soley on beer and wine thinking that it wasn't as hard and wouldn't be bad for me. I guess anything in moderation will not be bad for you. My problem always was that moderation was not a word that existed in my vocabulary when it came to drinking. Oh well, maybe in my next life I will be able to be a social drinker.
>
> Tamara
>
> > Okay, since I am so full of myself and my sorrows these days, and can't seem to shut up, I guess I will go next.
> >
> > In my somewhat wild youth, I drank and drank to excess. Only on the weekends, and only until I felt good.
> >
> > When I met my husband, he was and still is a tee-totaler, so I didn't drink.
> >
> > Occasionally at holidays, I would have a glass, nothing more.
> >
> > When my mother died a few years ago, I had to lean very heavily on my family, because my husband was no support at all. Most of my family are drinkers. (Drinkin' Catholics that is) It was easier to loosen up and talk with them with a few drinks since we had really essentially been estranged for years. This I blame on my husband, but really I allowed it didn't I?
> >
> > My husband started finding it at home and became furious. Began dumping it. Began leaving me hateful horrid notes about it in my car or purse.
> >
> > I started hiding it.
> >
> > He would find it, same results. He would count my drinks anywhere we went.
> >
> > Over the past few years he has losened up some on it, says he doesn't care. Funny thing is, where we have been somewhere and I have been drinking, he always makes me drive home (I usually drive anywhere we go). It's almost as if he wants me to get caught. Because I don't want him to know I am plastered, I drive anyway.
> >
> > I drink every night. Every weekend.
> >
> > Wine, only wine. I used to think that was better. I don't drink the hard stuff. Must be better huh?
> >
> > Never used to start on the weekend before 5, then it was 3, then it was noon....now it's right after I have my last cup of coffee at around 10 or sometimes 9.
> >
> > I don't want to quit. I don't want to feel what I am afraid to feel without it.
> >
> > I can't stand to be around anyone at home without it. Am I a mean drunk? Not sure. Some would say yes, especially my husband. I tend to think I am a happy drunk. Feel much more secure with myself when I am drinking.
> >
> > I can't be around anyone drinking without drinking myself. I slur my words sometimes. I spill my drink on people and myself. I step on their feet, but we all laugh about it. It's really not funny though is it.
> >
> > The man I had an affair with was and probably still is an alcoholic. Partners in crime they say. Misery loves company. We fed off each others problems, and consoled ourselves, justified ourselves. He has seisures when he quits. He loves me more when he drinks and doesn't think clearly. He loves me, he loves me not. I sometimes think the whole thing was a dream I made up in some drunken stupor. Sometimes I dream about huge rats after a binge, sometimes I dream about him. Sometimes I wake up and can't remember how I got in bed.
> >
> > Depression, yes depression. If alcohol causes depression, why do I feel better after a few drinks.
> >
> > Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
> >
> > Today I plan to go take my dad supper. I have just enough time to get home and drink a few before I leave, and then I will of course fill up my coffee thermos with it and take it with me. Sometimes there is some in his fridge left from sisters. I drink that too. We all drink it. We all drink. Drinking is what we do, and seems to be what we are. Am I afraid of consequences? Sure, but does it stop me? no.
> >
> > Well, that's all I can share for right now.
> >
> > There's humor here, I see it. I'm a happy drunk, I'm a sarcastic drunk. I'm sarcastic sober. Some would say angry, some would say negative, I like to refer to myself as sarcastic.
> >
> > AdaGrace..........Sarcastic Drunk
>
>
Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:00:28
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum » partlycloudy, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 13:13:25
Now that I've had a few in me, and have read my previous post, I really am sick to my stomach. Did I write that? And I was sober then wasn't I. I don't feel proud to have said what I said, even though it was the truth. I just feel sad. Sad that the only thing in my life now that gives me some peace of mind is anti-depressants and alcohol.
Okay, there another song there.......Billy Squire
and Dr. Bob......here we goooooo with the double double trouble qoutes.....
"Everybody Wants You" by Billy Squire.
"You feel important, you're on top of it all. You fill your ........(not sure of the word here) with lonelyness and alcohol........."
Somebody save me....I think I'm drowning.....
That's not Billy, that's me....
Okay, frick the double double,,,,,,,Amazooon cannot find Billy.......must mean I am really obscure.....
Posted by TexasChic on October 14, 2004, at 22:01:23
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:36:01
I don't guess I consider myself an alcholic, but I do have a big problem with self control. When I do drink, its to excess. In the past year I experienced blackouts for the first time. People would tell me things I said that I couldn't for the life of me remember. There were times I didn't remember driving home or anything else past a certain time of night. The funny thing is I really don't like drinking that much. I rarely do it alone. But when I'm out partying with people, I have no limits.
What I do like to do alone is smoke pot. When I have it, I can't not smoke it. If I want to watch a movie, clean the house, go to the store - hey, its all more fun stoned. When I'm smoking, I feel like I'm going crazy if I run out.
Recently I hit rock bottom: lost my job, put myself in severe financial debt (there's that self control thing again), lost all my friends, and just basically felt like I was losing my mind. Since I don't really drink alone, and I had to stop the pot because of pre-employment testing, I suddenly had no choice but to become sober and face what my life had become. Its been enlightening to say the least. For one thing, I now know I won't go insane if I have to spend time alone with just my own company while sober. In fact, I've learned to relish my time alone. I can't believe how good I feel just to be living life sober and enjoying it. I just don't know how to hold on to this new found strength and enlightenment. I'm afraid as soon as I let my guard down, I'll be back in the same spot. I know the self control problem hasn't gone away, I've been replacing alcohol and pot with binge eating. My apartment is a pig stye and I can't seem to get myself to clean it up. So I know I'm just replacing certain things with slightly less harmful things.
Anyway I don't know where I'm going with this, but I thought I would try to share.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:12:18
In reply to Re: Supporting each other in this forum, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:00:28
Billy Squire's "Everybody Wants You" has been linked by Amazon to books titled...."what's going on down there", and other such silly thangs.....
How very uncool for Billy.....I used to want him so.......okay....off to my movie......la la la la la
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:54:43
In reply to Laughing my Bum off at the link I created, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 22:12:18
That whole time difference thing. When you guys were all posting, It was night time for me and I was um ... getting drunk.
This is a lovely thread. Please don't let me kill it. I seem to do that a lot.
I have been posting here for awhile and I truly appreciate all the support and understanding I have received.
<I don't want to quit. I don't want to feel what I am afraid to feel without it.> AdaGrace - well, girl, you said it. We have very much in common.
My Mom is an alcoholic. I love my Mom very much and she is a true friend to me but I do remember feeling as a little girl, that I would never drink like her. Well, it appears I am now far worse than her.
My happy demon is wine, must be dry. I buy the low alcohol, low calorie wine. And I expect that I drink waaay more than a bottle a night. I don't drink during the day (exclude weekends if you please). Oh, and exclude that one time I came to work drunk and posted *that* all over the boards.
As for not remembering.... I'm fast becoming quite professional. I don't appear to be drunk (apparantly) but I almost never remember going to bed anymore. It's only because I can *feel* it the next morning that I know my husband and I made love. When he says to me that it was so great, I'm thinking "what was?"
We have had plenty conversations that are just lost on me.
OK, I've got lots more to say but nothing that the rest of you haven't said already.
I have another addiction. I don't have the courage to share it yet.
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
In reply to My turn, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 2:54:43
Hi Sabrina, I also live in the good old Z of A but I usually just write at night when others are around - after a glass or two (or three or four) of that famous low calorie, low alcohol wine. I didn't know anybody else was into the stuff. If you ever desperately want to talk I sometimes check in during the day between meetings.
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 4:42:44
In reply to Re: My turn, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 5:10:09
In reply to Re: My turn, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 4:10:19
Don't ask me what I did with the above message!!
I had actually posted:
That's great. Will be looking at getting the internet at home in the new year.
Whereabouts in Z of A? May I ask?
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:06:38
In reply to Re: My turn » vwoolf, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 5:10:09
Cape Town - Southern Suburbs. And you?
Posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 7:09:08
In reply to Re: My turn » saw, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:06:38
You're not my aunt are you? I'm in Port Elizabeth
Sabrina
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 7:32:59
In reply to Re: My turn » vwoolf, posted by saw on October 15, 2004, at 7:09:08
Nope, definitely not your aunt. And I don't have any relatives or friends in PE, so don't worry.
Btw, I believe that SAf has one of the highest rates of mental illness in the world. Heritage of the past, they say. And Cape Town has the highest rate of Foetal Alchohol Syndrome. I definitely think the social situation contibutes to feelings of alienation. It has for me at any rate. I have spent most of my life in Europe, and while I was there I had no problems (or at least very few). I came back here after the '94 elections and within a couple of years I was right back where I started. I'm determined to get to the root of my problems this time, but it is very hard.
Nice to know that there is someone who is not so far away.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:42:48
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 17:36:01
Actually, eventhough I blame myself for everything, deep down, I know that if he were better to me, I would be better to myself and feel better about myself.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:04:38
In reply to The grief is it in a nutshell » jujube, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:42:48
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I know it's not right to blame others for our drinking, but I sometimes wonder, in some cases, if others were a little more tolerant of the occasional drink and a good bender once in a while, if we wouldn't go to the excess that we seem to. Of course, self-esteem is an important factor in the life of a problem drinker. And, having others demean us and shatter an already fragile ego doesn't help. I used to let others determine my self-worth, and it ended up breaking my heart and filling my life with misery and worry. Now I try to find the good in myself. I also try to acknowledge my not only my strengths, but also my weaknesses. Once I am honest with myself in terms of both the positive and negatives, it is a bit easier not to let the actions and words of others bring me down. Be strong AdaGrace. Love yourself and keep telling yourself that you are special and that you are a good person. Others can try to bring you down, but only you can let them. Don't let them! You are worth more than that.
Tamara
> Actually, eventhough I blame myself for everything, deep down, I know that if he were better to me, I would be better to myself and feel better about myself.
>
>
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
In reply to Okay, here goes, posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 17:05:37
Before I go any further, I want to tell you that this post DID NOT *TRIGGER* ME. I did this all by myself yesterday.
> Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
>
I was in such a state of anxiety yesterday, and I knew I was going to drink. When I came out of the liquor store, the anxiety had vanished. Just the act of buying the stuff made me feel better.Wish I would have thrown it away, but no. I had a book club meeting that I make myself go to to get out of the house. I always drink wine when I'm there, but of course I had a cocktail before I left the house to get started. The last 2 meetings I've had way too much, and I am so embarassed. These are professional women - there's a couple of lawyers, a journalist, a dentist, and me, the receptionist. Feel quite inferior but I can read a book and talk about it. Next month I host the group at my home and I'm already dreading how I am going to face them. This is so hard for me.
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:20:03
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
Hey, hold on a second! You are not inferior to anyone just because of the position you hold. So get that notion out of your head right now (sorry to be so bossy!). We are all human beings, worthy of respect, love and kindness. If I met you on the street or at a function, I would not be thinking to myself "I wonder what she does for a living?". What you do to earn a living is a small extension of who you are. A compassionate, feeling, kind, intelligent and humorous person is far richer to me than someone who makes a ton of money or holds a position some would consider prestigious. In my work environment, I try to treat everybody the same - with respect, a kind word and an interest in what's going on their life - whether it be my boss, the person delivering the mail or the person cleaning my office at the end of the day. I don't care what someone does for a living. I care about what's inside. That's far more important - to me anyway.
Tamara
> Before I go any further, I want to tell you that this post DID NOT *TRIGGER* ME. I did this all by myself yesterday.
>
> > Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
> >
> I was in such a state of anxiety yesterday, and I knew I was going to drink. When I came out of the liquor store, the anxiety had vanished. Just the act of buying the stuff made me feel better.
>
> Wish I would have thrown it away, but no. I had a book club meeting that I make myself go to to get out of the house. I always drink wine when I'm there, but of course I had a cocktail before I left the house to get started. The last 2 meetings I've had way too much, and I am so embarassed. These are professional women - there's a couple of lawyers, a journalist, a dentist, and me, the receptionist. Feel quite inferior but I can read a book and talk about it. Next month I host the group at my home and I'm already dreading how I am going to face them. This is so hard for me.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » partlycloudy, posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:20:03
I actually quit the book club for almost a year because I was afraid to go. Almost everyone there is really nice to me, and when I'm like this, I can beat myself up really really well. When I'm better, though, I still can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me. It's been a theme throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember. Primary school, ballet lessons, and onward and upwards to my so-called adulthood.
I am having another really bad day, can you tell?
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:41:51
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:08:41
Oh, PC, I really understand. You must be feeling terribly exposed and vulnerable that they are coming into your space. Can you try and protect yourself somehow? By making it look nice with flowers? Or maybe someone else has better suggestions?
I hate people coming to my house. In my public life I am outgoing, in control, a feminist. At home I run around for my husband like a fifties housewife. My friends simply don't recognise me at home. I have stopped inviting anyone in. I insist on going to restaurants etc. Perhaps you could have your book club meeting at an outside venue? After all, if it is going to make you feel really bad, perhaps the best way to protect yourself would be to meet them at a coffee shop or something. It might be more fun too.
Thinking of you.
VW
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 10:49:24
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » partlycloudy, posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:41:51
Um, book club on the 11th of November, and we are hosting Thanksgiving. I already told my husband that I can't cook this year, he is very supportive and understanding. Maybe I can do some stuff and freeze it, but I can barely handle grocery shopping.
The irony about book club is that the last time I hosted - before I got this sick - it was a big success. Everyone loved the book. I cooked a nice meal, with a menu and everything, and I was told I had "raised the standard" for the club. Only one person in the group knows somewhat the nature of my problem and reason for my hiatus. Right now I regret ever having gone back to the group.
Posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
In reply to I like you (nm) » partlycloudy, posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 10:49:24
Posted by jujube on October 15, 2004, at 10:55:47
In reply to Re: Okay, here goes » jujube, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:35:25
I know it's a hard pattern to break. But don't live in fear that you are not as good as the next person. It's all relative. The most successful and seemingly together person could well be struggling with inner demons. Sometimes I think that if I feel too good about myself, it means I am less of a person - egotistical, self-centered, etc. Pretty much all my life I was the shy, quiet one (couldn't speak up in class, a real social retard unless I was drinking, sat quietly in meetings because I was too afraid to speak in case someone thought I was stupid). I could never understand why people were drawn to me and wanted to be friends with me or even how I did so well at work. What I learned about myself is that I care about people. I am interested in their lives and listen sometimes when no one else will. And, I never wanted anyone I met (either personally or professionally) to feel as crappy about themselves as I did. I don't need to be a shining star, but if I can help a friend, colleague or stranger just by lending an ear, then I guess maybe I have made a small difference. And, even though it has taken me years, I am not as nervous about speaking up and expressing a view or an idea in a meeting or just being me at a social function. Try to look deep inside yourself and see how many lives you have touched over the years just by being you. Grab onto that and think of the many other lives you can continue to touch by just being you. Be good to yourself Partlycloudy. Learn to like you, even if you can only take baby steps at first. Don't be afraid to toot your horn - even if it's only in your own head.
Tamara> I actually quit the book club for almost a year because I was afraid to go. Almost everyone there is really nice to me, and when I'm like this, I can beat myself up really really well. When I'm better, though, I still can't imagine how anyone would want to be friends with me. It's been a theme throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember. Primary school, ballet lessons, and onward and upwards to my so-called adulthood.
>
> I am having another really bad day, can you tell?
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 10:58:40
In reply to oh, dear. » vwoolf, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:53:44
You're obviously much stronger than me - I take the easy way out every time. It sounds as if you really can do it, and do it really well too. Please ignore my post.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 11:12:16
In reply to You poor woman! (nm) » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on October 15, 2004, at 10:54:18
Posted by vwoolf on October 15, 2004, at 11:28:14
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
It's after six pm. I usually have my first drink at about half past seven. I get this really panicky feeling in my stomach, of horrible, unbearable angst, and I know I won't be able to do without it. How can I ever think of doing without it? If I don't have a drink I'll have to SI or do something else to take away the pain. It's with me now, and I don't know what to do. Last night I counted out all the pills in my stash set aside for the extreme solution, but managed to call my T first. I spoke to her again half an hour ago, and she extracted a guarantee from me that I would speak to her first before actually doing anything. But I don't know if I can. If the pain gets too bad and she is out? It's Friday and I won't be seeing her until Monday.
Oh God, I need that drink soon.
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