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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
I lost one of my closest friends today and I cannot even to begin to describe the sorrow I feel. It's as if someone has died.
Last week, this person went behind my back and called my ex husband. She had to seek out his number because I refused to give it to her. I felt angry and betrayed, but I did understand that her actions came from a place of caring. We talked and I let her know the thing which bothered me the most is the fact that she didn't let me know she had done it. And that she told him not to tell me either. I thought we were on the path toward working things out.
Well, today, it came to my attention that she'd made efforts to contact other people in my life and had STILL not told me about it, even after I had explained my biggest issues regarding her contact with my ex. Wanting to make a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, I called asking if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. And she didn't take the opportunity to tell me what else she'd done. She just expressed a desire not to be friends anymore.
And who knows what else she's done that I haven't yet found out about?
To the person in question: You said there were plenty of other people who care about me. That may be true, but they're here on babble. And babble isn't a safe place for me anymore because you will always be able to see anything I write. You have taken this support system away from me. And I find your actions even more shocking given the fact that you yourself have been the victim of serious privacy violations. I still feel such love for you, though. Only I wish I didn't because maybe then this wouldn't hurt so much.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 19:56:56
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now.
I hope that you find a way to stay at babble.
PC
Posted by gardenergirl on July 29, 2008, at 21:16:19
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
(((((((((((Jammer)))))))))))))
Thinking of you.
gg
Posted by Kath on July 29, 2008, at 21:50:48
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
Oh Jammer,
I am VERY sorry to hear about this. I'm especially sorry, because it sounds like this person is someone here at PBabble. If that's the case, it makes me feel very very sad.
I always get grief-stricken when something happens that has a huge negative impact on someone's 'life' here at PB. I mean, it's part of MY life! I think I'd feel pretty devastated if something happened where I felt I couldn't just 'be myself' here on Babble.
Jammer, please know that I care about you; am sorry for all that you've already been through - can't even imagine it; am sorry that now this has happened.
(((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))))
Much love, Kath
Posted by Larry Hoover on July 29, 2008, at 22:27:00
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
Posted by Midnightblue on July 29, 2008, at 23:01:36
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
Jammer,
I'm so sorry for your very deep, heart-felt pain. I know you are in a bad place right now. I wish there was something, anything I could do to help you.
Is it possible that your friend was so worried about you that she sought to get you close, real life help even at the risk of losing your very precious friendship?
Please take care of yourself. Feeling bad physically can do a real number on your emotions.
MidnightBlue
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:07:12
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
******And babble isn't a safe place for me anymore because you will always be able to see anything I write. You have taken this support system away from me. And I find your actions even more shocking given the fact that you yourself have been the victim of serious privacy violations.
________________________________________________
I wanted to talk with you about this first, if anyone knows your screenname, somehow a name leaked out..... on web. People on facebook, aqaitnances that some how where curious, spy. They know information i post. And......what i have said. Change your screen name. Write diffrently, as if your not talking about your actual situation. I just wanted to get that out of the way.2nd of all is your sitation that happened.
*****Well, today, it came to my attention that she'd made efforts to contact other people in my life and had STILL not told me about it, even after I had explained my biggest issues regarding her contact with my ex. Wanting to make a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, I called asking if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. And she didn't take the opportunity to tell me what else she'd done. She just expressed a desire not to be friends anymore.
__________________________________________________
If this woman/or friend. Let their mouth's stay filthy, and this person stay the way she is. because, "what a gossip queen". From what im reading, this person, which encoutered. Dont care, seem to have a "plan" for their good. So if she's reading it right now. Let me just say: liars, betrayal, their hearts are with evil. Dont assosiate yourself with her anymore.Be intelligent, and do not be a Victim. Find out what her plans where, make a letter to the people that she's contacted. Title it "I smell a rat", or suiteble "You have been lied to", tell exactly what happened, what was told that wasnt true, and how she was descite with infomation, for her benefit.
As for grief, and what your suffering. I'm sorry, its happened to me so many times, high school, after that over and over. I've hit the bed for days, with similar issues.
Ure in my thoughts.
S-K-Y
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:18:41
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
Last week, this person went behind my back and called my ex husband. She had to seek out his number because I refused to give it to her. I felt angry and betrayed, but I did understand that her actions came from a place of caring. We talked and I let her know the thing which bothered me the most is the fact that she didn't let me know she had done it. And that she told him not to tell me either. I thought we were on the path toward working things out.
_________________________________________
If there is any way to make up, and be in harmony. Thats really possible again, but if a person choses to go their own way.....then let them. But i know what pain of rejection and abandonment feels like, in this case its betrayel. But think was it all betrayal? was their anything that had her motive to do this?
So, I may have misunderstood something i read, but what the post says, it looks she really befriended you. But! that doenst mean permenment. Call her later, and just say "hi! how you doing?" act like it didnt happen and see the response.
Deputies......sometimes when i get really mad about something. So anything, that was said against this person. It was my first thought of how they treated jammer.
Sorry if any got out of hand.
S-K-Y
Posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:19:33
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief » jammerlich, posted by Kath on July 29, 2008, at 21:50:48
I am, indeed, sad that I don't feel I can be myself on babble anymore; it's disappointing. But, it's the loss of my friend that is truly devastating.
Posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:25:49
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief » jammerlich, posted by Midnightblue on July 29, 2008, at 23:01:36
> Is it possible that your friend was so worried about you that she sought to get you close, real life help even at the risk of losing your very precious friendship?
Oh, I'm sure this is the case. Well, pretty much the case. She did say she never thought it would cause an end to the friendship. What I find hard to work my way around is why she was deceptive about it. And why she encouraged my ex to keep quiet about it, too. THEN, when I told her this was the biggest problem for me, why she didn't tell me who else she'd tried to contact. You see the difference?
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:26:12
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief » Kath, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:19:33
you can! their nothing against you here.....
Ok, maybe i got a little off the charts, but if she was a true friend, I'm sorry, just hate stuff that happens like this. I've been through it.....before.
Turn on maybe a really soothing song.....and sometimes its best to let grief out that way.
With regards,
S
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:35:16
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:25:49
Their have people who have done this me, close friends. I havent had many friends, but people do this sometimes because of
1)Sitations, where its vital to move on with life.
2)They dont know what doing, and have a passive-aggressive personality.
3)Had her own motives.If she contacted people without your knowlage and told trash..... man that make me mad. Send a Delightful letter to them, like i said "The smell of a rat"...... "Or state her name, and put evidence in it."
That way the truth comes out about her. Just dont say, you called her rat.....
Now, im sorry for the mad thoughts i have. But if she really is your friend, she's going to apologize. If she doesnt, sit down about it. Understand that it happened, like trama, and move on. Success will show person that you can't be hurt by them, make better friends.
Keep in touch...
Sky
Posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:36:57
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:07:12
Thanks a lot for your empathy and suggestions. I thought for a moment about changing my screen name, but decided against it. I think writing styles are pretty easy to recognize and everyone would know anyway. Plus, I have friends here who know me as Jammer. It's my babble identity and I really don't want to be anyone else.
As for your feelings about the other person, they break my heart. And I realize I'm probably to blame for them. She didn't contact my IRL people to try and ruin my life or anything. She was well intentioned. It's the fact that she repeatedly didn't tell me about it which is really upsetting. She's a wonderful person, though. Even in my hurt, I know that to my core.
Posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:38:49
In reply to Re: If misunderstood anything, deputies read too, posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:18:41
Oh, gosh. I replied before seeing your other posts. I hope this doesn't cause any problems for you. I feel like it's my fault.
Posted by Bobby on July 29, 2008, at 23:43:55
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
It's often unrealistic on my part--but I try to assume that most people are not malicious in their intent. However-- for better or worse--covertly involving yourself in the personal affairs of others is swimming in treacherous waters. I think perhaps an apology-at the very least--is in order from whomever we are discussing. Best wishes.
Posted by Deputy Dinah on July 29, 2008, at 23:56:57
In reply to Re: If misunderstood anything, deputies read too, posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:18:41
It is of course important to remember that all parties involved are babblers, and the civility guidelines do apply.
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 29, 2008, at 23:58:25
In reply to (((Jammer))) » jammerlich, posted by Bobby on July 29, 2008, at 23:43:55
Well, what i ment, i am sorry this happened. Just like i said, accept the apology from her.
Its not your fault, because her motives against you where her own plans. If said anything that was thinking referring to you, it may have been said wrong. Its not. Its directly to her.
But............i dont want to cause strife against that person. Just ask her?
S
Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2008, at 0:09:19
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
((((Jammer))))
((((Jammer's friend))))I'm glad you're able to maintain your conviction that what was done was done in love and concern for you.
We tell our son that the usual rules of friendship (no tattling for instance) have to be put aside when there the life and welfare of another are at stake. Even at the potential cost of the loss of a friendship.
It takes a special friend to care about you so much they're willing to lose you to make sure you're safe.
I understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. I have no idea of the circumstances, so can't comment on this particular situation. It is very upsetting to feel that you've been lied to. Whether that can be offset by the warm feeling of feeling you are loved is only something the two of you can decide.
But my heart grieves for two people who care very much about each other, and who are both hurting a lot tonight.
Posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2008, at 1:52:56
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
It's not the fact that the contact with IRL people was made that I find so terribly upsetting, even though a lot of responses seem to focus on that.
I was most upset because I was not told right away and because my ex was encouraged to participate in the deception. If you ask me, in the spirit of truthfulness, I should have gotten an email saying, "Jammer, I'm really worried about you so I'm calling your ex." Or, better yet, "Jammer, I'm worried and if I don't hear from you in X amount of time I'm going to have to call your ex." Instead, I was told 2 days later when the other party was under the influence of her sleeping medication.
We talked Monday afternoon and I let her know that this was the most upsetting part. That would have been the appropriate time for her to mention any other contact she'd tried to make, but she did not. And I find out today that she'd tried to contact at least one other person as well. It's THIS that really feels like a betrayal.
I hope maybe I'm making myself more clear this time.
Posted by Sky Brite Line on July 30, 2008, at 10:12:54
In reply to I think I've been unclear, posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2008, at 1:52:56
Let itself workout.....sometimes conflict will take time. But really if she's a true freind, yall will proably make up, or she will make up and apologize. There are a million ways to make up.
So, the first reactions i read where, she just "dissed" u, and went her own way. But now im seeing there a bit more too it.
Dont resent, but set bounderies with things.
SKY
Posted by Kath on July 30, 2008, at 11:01:31
In reply to I think I've been unclear, posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2008, at 1:52:56
>Wanting to make a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, I called asking if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. And she didn't take the opportunity to tell me what else she'd done. She just expressed a desire not to be friends anymore.
******Dear Jammer. Thanks for clarifying things in your most recent post.
I wanted to comment on the above, from your first post. I guess we all carry 'stuff' - especially if we're here on PsychoBabble, we've reached out for support, so I suspect most of us have issues! I'm not trying to make excuses, or anything like that. I'm just putting myself in your friend's position to try & understand how things might be. And I can only gather, from what you've said, that you 2 have a true caring for each other.
Under those circumstances, upon hearing how upset you were about the call to your ex & the secrecy about that - depending on a person's past, it could be REALLY hard, at that point to tell you that they had ALSO called XXXXXXX. It could be impossible! No matter how much she cares for you, she might simply NOT have been able to do it! That could lead to all kinds of intense feelings.
And it could be an instant reaction to say one didn't want to be friends any more. The last part could be from 'I just can't handle this!' When I'm really upset I just want "outta here" in whatever way I can think of being out of the painful situation. It could be something that came out right then as a way for the other person to cope.
It's obvious that you & your friend truly care about each other. I'm hoping that as a little time goes by, maybe you'll both be open to (& able to) look at what happened & look at whether you both can gently help each other through this difficult situation without losing your friendship.
I think it's great that you were able to say what you would rather have happened, and also say how you feel. I wonder if you know how amazing that is?? Well, I think it's amazing anyhow.
What I most wish for you both, is that you can be gentle with yourselves & each other & I so sincerely hope that you can keep your friendship.
You know the saying 'hindsight is 20-20'. Well it seems to me that this situation provides something VERY important:
...for those of us who are fortunate enough to be close friends with fellow-babblers, we have the opportunity to make a plan of what we can do if we're really concerned about our friend. Something that feels okay for both. And if that can't be agreed on, then if it came up, person 1 could say to person 2 something like you mentioned....their plan. They could also say, if it's true "I'm afraid you will be really mad at me, but I have to put my concern for you ahead of that".
I send you my love Jammer. And I send your friend my love also. And I SO sincerely hope that you will both be able to gently mend this.
LOVE, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2008, at 12:12:41
In reply to Re: Betrayal and overwhelming grief » Sky Brite Line, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 23:36:57
Despite the problems I've recently had here I also refuse to change my babblename for the same reason. I'm so sorry you were betrayed. Oh I know that feeling so well. So sorry. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on July 30, 2008, at 12:26:32
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
are with you.
Jammer,
I just re-read your first post & realized I'd made an assumption. You didn't say what other people the person phoned. Sorry...you know what they say about assumptions. That they make an a** outta me.
My thoughts & love are with you
xo Kath
Posted by karen_kay on July 30, 2008, at 16:04:43
In reply to Betrayal and overwhelming grief, posted by jammerlich on July 29, 2008, at 19:18:20
sending you much love. montana is beautiful this time of year. i've got central air too!
tata,
kk
Posted by fayeroe on July 30, 2008, at 17:35:04
In reply to I think I've been unclear, posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2008, at 1:52:56
Jammers, I got where you're coming from. It has happened to me and the feeling of betrayal and sneaking around hurt me more than what she did at the time.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
xoxoxo Pat
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