Posted by Kath on July 30, 2008, at 11:01:31
In reply to I think I've been unclear, posted by jammerlich on July 30, 2008, at 1:52:56
>Wanting to make a last ditch effort to salvage the relationship, I called asking if there was anything else she wanted to tell me. And she didn't take the opportunity to tell me what else she'd done. She just expressed a desire not to be friends anymore.
******Dear Jammer. Thanks for clarifying things in your most recent post.
I wanted to comment on the above, from your first post. I guess we all carry 'stuff' - especially if we're here on PsychoBabble, we've reached out for support, so I suspect most of us have issues! I'm not trying to make excuses, or anything like that. I'm just putting myself in your friend's position to try & understand how things might be. And I can only gather, from what you've said, that you 2 have a true caring for each other.
Under those circumstances, upon hearing how upset you were about the call to your ex & the secrecy about that - depending on a person's past, it could be REALLY hard, at that point to tell you that they had ALSO called XXXXXXX. It could be impossible! No matter how much she cares for you, she might simply NOT have been able to do it! That could lead to all kinds of intense feelings.
And it could be an instant reaction to say one didn't want to be friends any more. The last part could be from 'I just can't handle this!' When I'm really upset I just want "outta here" in whatever way I can think of being out of the painful situation. It could be something that came out right then as a way for the other person to cope.
It's obvious that you & your friend truly care about each other. I'm hoping that as a little time goes by, maybe you'll both be open to (& able to) look at what happened & look at whether you both can gently help each other through this difficult situation without losing your friendship.
I think it's great that you were able to say what you would rather have happened, and also say how you feel. I wonder if you know how amazing that is?? Well, I think it's amazing anyhow.
What I most wish for you both, is that you can be gentle with yourselves & each other & I so sincerely hope that you can keep your friendship.
You know the saying 'hindsight is 20-20'. Well it seems to me that this situation provides something VERY important:
...for those of us who are fortunate enough to be close friends with fellow-babblers, we have the opportunity to make a plan of what we can do if we're really concerned about our friend. Something that feels okay for both. And if that can't be agreed on, then if it came up, person 1 could say to person 2 something like you mentioned....their plan. They could also say, if it's true "I'm afraid you will be really mad at me, but I have to put my concern for you ahead of that".
I send you my love Jammer. And I send your friend my love also. And I SO sincerely hope that you will both be able to gently mend this.
LOVE, Kath
poster:Kath
thread:842914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080721/msgs/843035.html